Mar 2019 Archive, part a

1. It would depend on the universe. One of my agents is a Pokémon, for example, but since he's got to fit the world he goes into missions for, he doesn't normally get to keep his powers. When he does, it's for a continuum where someone flinging around electricity wouldn't be unheard of.
   
   2. You kill it like a regular Sue, though DoSAT requests the agents keep the dummy as intact as possible (no throwing the thing into a pit of lava, for example). Once the Sue's been killed, the dummy reverts back to its normal state, though it'll probably have a few more stab wounds than it started with.

Perhaps this was shoved down too fast by exiting stuff going on further up-thread and nobody even looks here? Maybe you did it wrong and everybody assumes that you don’t need a response here because somebody else already commented on the linked GDoc? (*checking* Nobody did.) Or they talked to you on the discord and I didn’t notice?

Formality: While presenting agent concepts for general discussion is okay, you shouldn’t link your GDoc when asking for beta readers. Since everybody who follows the link can read it, you published an un-betaed version of your permission request. We don’t do that because having your mistakes pointed out more privately is less embarrassing and some beta readers may be too polite to be totally honest when they know that everybody can see their comments. You should have omitted the link, waited for volunteers who usually would tell your their e-mail address, and then mailed the link to them.

You not knowing this, and me barely knowing who you are, may be indicators that you are not ready to ask for permission. (But then, I’m never on the discord and didn’t pay much attention to the Board lately, so other Permission Givers may easily recognize you.)

Anyway, next steps: You respond to the comments I left on the GDoc and tell me when you finished editing (preferably by mail, my address with more or less usual substitutions to ward off the spam bots can be found on my wiki user page); then I’ll read it again to catch new mistakes and what I may have missed on the first read.

HG

I remember Xiaolin Showdown! That particular fandom has been untapped here. Sadly I will not have time to Beta this but I hope it all works out for you.

Nothing serious, but it does have a few mentions of rape and other nasty things, like body horror.

... but what the heck. I don’t know that I’ve been around enough recently for anyone to have any sense of, well, who I am, but sure, I’ll opt in for the lols. Short auburn hair, 5’6”, a bit chubby, 28, queer (approximately pansexual, but queer is preferred label), genderqueer (she/her and/or they/them), androgynous enough that strangers tend to be 50-50 split on reading me as male or female. Available to ship with anybody, regardless of gender or species.

I'm a tall, broad-shouldered human male, and I'm game for anything that doesn't require paraphernalia.

Mild description: Tall, currently blue hair, sporting hoodies over hoodies, and I look like the spitting image of a summer camp counselor. (They/them pronouns, by the by.)

I'm loving all the ships so far. Can't wait to read more!

I have no real limits. Go wild.

I'm shippable with anyone and anything, without limits or restrictions.

I'm exactly as tall as Iximaz, as we found out at the last Gathering, pale, have long blond hair and a reddish goatee.

For those who've been playing along, there is one obvious crack!ship answer...

Marisa: she/her/hers, dark brown hair&eyes, light skin, basically me as a wizard (and presumably more mature).

As I mentioned last year, I'm a pale as frick scruffy nerd in perpetually crooked glasses, my pronouns are male, and I'm okay with literally anything.

Haven't picked up any ship suggestions this year, surprisingly enough, but I'll reply to this comment if I think of any.

This is leafeyes (all lowercase, all one word). Those active in the discord may know me for my talent in finding NSFB fanfic. I doubt I'm going to be shipped, but I might as well put my name in.

I'm a bisexual woman in her mid 20s, about 6'/ 182 cm, VERY thin, normally fair skin but might get to olive skin in the summer. I also have waist length wavy dark brown hair and hazel eyes that hide behind thick glasses. I generally dress "low femme", meaning skinny jeans, flats, and similar things.

Please keep me as a woman and don't ship me with anyone under 20.

That's about it I think.

Something tells me a lot of newer people aren’t going to know who I am, but just know that I’m an oldbie who’s been away from the Board for quite some time.

Since this is me we're talking about, go crazy. My only request is to use he/him pronouns, but I can't imagine that being a problem. I look forward to the horrible, horrible things you all invent!

Suggested Ships:

Mattman/Iximaz
Thoth/Quake, or literally any character/game created by id Software
Larfen/that Indonesian bee that was just discovered. Bonus points if sandwich toppings are involved in some capacity.

I'm male, bisexual, 25 going on 26, Asian, and of an average build with a little tummy pudge and love handles, messy black hair and VERY dark brown eyes, usually with glasses. I have quite a lot of stubble which grows FAST, and my right index fingernail is cracked in two from an accident in my youth. I dress in business casual when out in public, but at home I can more often be found barefoot in a T-shirt and either boxers over briefs or comfy slacks, drowning my woes in diet soda.

I'm available for any ship that doesn't involve minors. Any gender is fine, though be aware that I'm emotionally sensitive and probably won't be okay with being yelled at, scolded, or worse.

One last thing: If you want to get really literal, you can also write me as a Skarmory whose armor plating has a silvery sheen. Be aware though that in this guise I won't be comfortable with being paired with a human, so if you choose to use my Pokemon self, I must humbly request for my partner to be of avian form, preferably in the Flying egg group.

Have fun!

Guy, twenty five years old, a little under six feet, average weight, curly brown hair and blue eyes, not minding any ship you could think about. Go wild, and get the details wrong if you want to.

Description: White woman, tall-ish, thin-ish, hair in an overgrown bob. Usually found in jeans and flannel.

Restrictions: ehhh... Please be careful when it comes to physical scenes with trans bodies? There's a lot of nasty history of trans bodies being exploited for cis audiences. By all means, poke me, we can talk details if you're not sure about an idea. (The usual shipfest silliness has been totally fine, but better safe than sorry.)

There's not much to say about myself without getting a plethora of appearance complexes involved but if you need a description, I'll bullet-point some of the key features:

- 5'10"
- Basically looking like [THIS]
- Skin white like a miller’s son, full of moles (I’ve counted 85). Hands covered with burns and cuts from previous work at McD’s.
- Inability to grow any decent facial or body hair.

And if any of you say "it's what inside that counts"... well, my organs are in a bad condition too, so yeah I win! :P

But sure, SHIP ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!

I probably don't have time to write any of these this year, but I am available for shipping.

Details: Probably a bear or maybe a sasquatch. Slytherin/Ravenclaw (Slytherclaw). Doesn't care who you ship him with.

-Phobos

Hi. I'm Twistey. Cisgender female, she/hers, heterosexual but you can totally ship me with a woman if you want :P I'm not saying anything about my age, but nevertheless, keep it PG.

I'm 5'7.5", with pale skin, green eyes, about chin length brown hair, and glasses. And fire powers, if you decide to count what I do in joke RPs as being part of me. I don't own any clothes that aren't comfortable.

Right, so if Willis happens to opt in and someone other than me writes some cute fanfic of us two, I know we'd both love it. Gonna ask him this, but I'm pretty sure that he'd also let himself be genderbent, for those of you who love femslash.

Not sure what to say for possible setups. I'm trying to set up the idea that my Internet self has a science lab, maybe that could be a thing. I'm also totally fine with being exclamation-pointed or just being in an AU ship fic. Happy shipping.

-Twistey

I'm medium height, fishbelly-pale, on the heavy side, with brown eyes and dark brown hair in a buzzcut. (I'm a girl and I go by she/her, by the way.) I'll leave the rest to you guys.

I don’t do shipping, but I’m totally shippable. Although I don’t believe that I did do anything lately that would inspire somebody to ship me with who- or whatever. And totally old-school here; get it wrong or look around to get it right.

HG

I look like a sad doughnut rolled in barber trimmings and use she/her pronouns to the total bemusement of anyone who's seen the pustulent fleshbag I currently inhabit, but sure, it's always fun. As for ships, Larf/Granz/Tomash OT3 because of the Citation Needed games we run. =]

In lieu of providing actual details (I'm with Nesh - getting it wrong is half the fun!), I asked my phone's predictive text to write about us.

Huinesoron is almost certainly an easy connection for pancakes.
Huinesoron likes almost all the rings.
Huinesoron's hair is looking hectic.
Huinesoron looks very much like March.
Huinesoron's clothes are straight English law enforcement.

Kaitlyn is looking beautifully written.
Kaitlyn loves to get the kids every day, except Tuesday.
Kaitlyn's body is almost certainly not anything standard.
Kaitlyn appears to get translated.
Kaitlyn's the first every day.

I think that tells you all you need to know. ^_^ No limits, no problems, and (in addition to HuineLyn and NeshBosh) I ship Iximaz/Scapegrace for their shared love (not like that!) of Pokemon.

hS

I don’t mind who you ship me with. Early teens, thick brown hair, brown eyes, but I don’t mind that either.

I don’t currently have any ship ideas, as shipping isn’t really my thing to write. I’ll have to learn quickly if I want revenge!

Eek. Don't I have some unfinished Tam Lin thing from one or two years ago...? Well, we'll see how this goes.

I'm in, as I generally am. Please don't ship me with people who are underage, no matter the content or rating (it's okay if we're in the same fic, just...completely separate pairings, please). Other than that, I can't think of any limits that would actually be likely to come up, so...I guess if they somehow do, I'll express my surprise that they showed up at all and ask that it not happen again.

As to details, make up anything you like or look at past Shipfest threads. Probably the main things to bear in mind (if you want any accuracy at all, that is) are that I'm not very tall, and wear glasses but can get around without them if I have to (mentioned mainly because I remember past shipping of everyone with glasses, actually, so why not?).

And I think that's it. The only pairings I can think of right now that haven't already been suggested are for agents, and it's the wrong time of year for *that*.

~Z

I'm opted all the way in, my friend.

As for appearances, I resemble nothing less than the Platonic peak of the male form, that's right:



Or just write me as an anime catgirl or something horrible like that. Whatever is the most embarrassing!

My shipping limits are make it absolutely terrible. The worse it is, the better. I have no dignity. Dunk me into hell. Call me dirty, dirty things.


I'm gonna ship Thoth right here with Pong, the first popular video game. I have reasons to believe that Thoth's feelings of intense desire towards a videogame increase depending on how old that game is and there's no way he could resist the charms of Pong.

Of course I must ship the local PPC nerdsquad together, Thoth and Tomash and Delta and Maslab, chatting about their codes and their numbers and their calculations, disgusting.

And I've got to ship Geema with bleeprin because... the guy must go through so much of it considering the stuff he keeps subjecting himself to.

All in baby

I'm old-school and I think getting the details wildly wrong is half the fun, so I'm not giving any. ^_^ They're out there if you really care about being correct.

I won't be offended at anything as long as it's within the rules.

~Neshomeh

Against my better judgment (also known by the name Anxiety), I'm opting in.

17, heterosexual female, 5'6". Naturally pale as shpx, but thanks to a tan/getting sunburnt only look slightly whiter than Default Caucasian. I've got a rectangle-y body shape and broad shoulders. My hair goes down to my shoulder blades in a thick, curly, dirty-blonde mess, and my eyes are a dull blue but can appear green in certain lighting. Depending on the day, I'm either in jeans and a T or pajamas/similarly comfy clothes. I have fairly plain semi-rimless glasses that are photosensitive, though I can see mostly-fine without them and occasionally forget to put them on in the morning.

So long as it's SFW, I don't particularly mind anything. And unfortunately, I don't think I know anyone else well enough to comfortably put forward any ships.

18/M, White as the driven snow, stocky, covered in to hair to greater or lesser degrees (kinda-sorta-beard-ish-thing-included), probably wearing cargo pants and a sarcastic t-shirt. Or flannel.

I'm not dating anyone, and I may be gay as all hell but we all know that isn't going to stop any of you from shipping me with Cal or Nesh again. Or whoever else you come up with.

Oh, and you can always ship me with big warm cuddly things/people. :-P

Bad Shipping Ideas:
-Larf/The Abstract Concept of Togetherness
-Larf/Dadaism
-Larf/Postmodernism
-Larf/Being Meta
-Granz/A bundle of warm fluff he found
-Granz/An incredibly well-optimized character build
-Granz/Rulebooks
-Cal/Cal
-Cal/Moons
-Cal/Cal/Moons/Extra!Dimensional!Cal
-Tomash/A set of increasingly large matrices
-GMA/Titanfall 2
-Quincy/Yaoi (a hateship)
-Granz/Ships (literal ships)
-Granz/Ships (figurative ships)
-Granz/Anyone who doesn't mind being portrayed as a catboy
-Neshomeh/Phobos but Phobos is a bear
-hS/the works of Tolkien
-GMA/Pheromones

In case the author line didn't give it away, I'm Tomash. I'm one of the resident computer people.

Physically, I'm a guy. I'm 5'7", I wear rather thick glasses that don't quite fix my eye problems. I'm white, slightly chubby, and I have short brown hair. (I'm in my early 20s.)

Ship-wise, I'm open to just about everything. However, please don't genderbend me.

As for potential ships that haven't already come up:
- hS/[the newest Boarder to opt in] - the Oldbie/Newbie ship
- Iximaz/Moons - A werewolf/the moon(s)
- Floof quartet - Cal/Granz/Thoth/Moons
- Scape/just about averyone, featuring implausible kink equipment
- Thoth/[various old video games]
- Iximaz/Maslab - Seals + foxes, what's not to love?
- hS/Nesh - oldbie shuffle ship (along with Katlyn/Phobos)
- GMA/dragons - because we all know that's a thing

Please note: if you're wanting to write my canon ship, please keep it to the Discord/email/PMs.

- Tomash

Is it that time already? Well, alright, then. I will gladly submit myself to the shipping.

Hm... details, details... cismale, and very, very gay. I may or may not have hair, but if I do, it is of some sort of color visible to the human eye, and it is of some amount of length. My skin is a natural human skin tone. My eyes are a color, and I am short, or maybe tall, or maybe somewhere in between. I may be skinny, or overweight, or neither. I typically wear clothes and have a tendency to prefer that which covers more skin - so pants are more likely than shorts, long-sleeved shirts more likely than short-sleeved ones, and jackets aren't all that improbable.

As for ships... well, everything I can think of off the top of my head has been mentioned. Oh, except one.

Nameless Admin/The Board - And yes, I do mean everybody at once.

It is I! Calliope, Our Lady of Yarn, here to ship and be shipped! (And, because I am lazy, to copy and edit my description from two years ago with minor edits because nothing ever changes with me.)

Eighteen years of age, brown hair (shoulderish-length and growing), black-and-purple eyeglasses over green or hazel eyes. I can usually be found in jeans and a tee, plus a jacket of some kind and either tennis shoes or boots, depending on the weather. Or heels. Apparently I'm unusual in that I actually don't find them ungodsly uncomfortable, even stiletto boots. And since it bears mentioning - still a girl. Usually. I really, really don't mind that being changed, though.

Now, then! For ships.

As has been mentioned, I am presently dating Moons. It would be wonderful to see what you people can cook up for the two of us! On the other hand, I couldn't care much less who else you decide to ship me with - Granz and Thoth are the obvious candidates, of course (can you say Floof Trio?), but I'm sure you can find other ways to get creative. Especially if you decide to throw me into a group situation. The only solid limit I can think of is to keep it healthy - even if that means a certain someone doing a redux of The Healthiest Ship.

Of course, I might think of other things to add later, and I'll post those accordingly. But I doubt it. Cheers!

Desc: 19 year old white male with some stubble,shortish brown hair, brown eyes with a hint of grey to them. Tall, somewhat stocky, but decently strong. Definitely built for endurance over speed. Red scar on back of left hand. Wears glasses with rectangular lenses. Favors khaki cargo pants and t-shirts, occasionally a grey polo shirt if I feel like being more formal. Male pronouns, heterosexual (as far as I know), [Although last Shipfest that didn't matter so much when the Primarch ships set sail]. Enjoys cuddling with close friends as a demonstration of trust and love, whether platonic or otherwise. I also tend to compartmentalize my more romantic/sexual/softer side to the point where I end up coming across as incredibly stoic or introverted. Also I hate making eye contact for more than a moment or two at a time. Also-also, I'm semi-secretly a hopeless romantic in some ways and cling stubbornly to the ideas of true love. Basically, I'd rather hold hands with the love of my life than sleep with someone else.

Here comes the part where I'd note my limits, but seeing as the two Boarders I'd rather not be shipped with aren't really around much, there's no point other than to announce my proposals for the following ships:

THOTH/GRANZ
CALLIOPE/FOUR MOONS WATCHING [canon]
GEEMA/LIZARDS
THOTH/LIZARDS
GEEMA/THOTH/LIZARDS [Because why not]

I'll append more in replies if I think of any others.

I'm opting in!

Most people around here call me Moons. I'm 5'5" and pretty much skin and bones. Cis female, 16 but looks younger. I have fluffy, light brown, shoulderblade-length hair and green eyes that sometimes decide to be blue. I tend to be in pajamas a lot of the time, but when I'm actually dressed I wear a lot of dark colors, especially navy blue (though not much black). I like dresses, but tend to wear jeans and t-shirts most of the time out of practicality. I have glasses, though I can see decently well without them. I have a Sharpie tattoo on the inside of my left wrist ( a semicolon with the name TAYA written under it in all caps) and make a point of not covering it up. I'm usually wearing novelty socks and a couple of necklaces (pentacle pendant and blue lace agate chips). I usually wear a light blue sweater with a fish-shaped button and an olive green shoulder cape with a Celtic knot clasp. They're both knit, and like most of the other knitwear I own, are heirlooms from my late mother.

I'm demisexual and lesbian. Dating Cal, but feel free to pair me with any of the girls who opt in. I'm also okay with mixed-gender groups IF Cal is also in them. I don't want too much of an age gap, but I'm willing to have my age changed to get around that.

Keep it SF4M and don't hurt anyone too badly and you should be good.

I'm a mom friend and will do anything for cuddles. I've also got a clustershpx in place of my mental health, and a bit of a tragic backstory, so if you want to play around with that for hurt/comfort go ahead.

My ships are the canon ones (hS/Kaitlyn, Nesh/Phobos, Ix/Aegis, me/Cal), the Cal/Granz/Thoth/those people group, Si/Alleb (the ones who manage to somehow be pure), Maslab/Foxbot, Scape/corsets, and GMA/badfic.

Obviously I have to name the canon ones—hS and Kaitlyn, Nesh and Phobos, me and Aegis, and you and Calliope. :P

I'd also like to put forth:

Larfen/sandwiches
The Nameless Admin/the Board (the physical Board, not, like... everyone at once)
GMA/Smutfic
Granz the Ice Cream Monarch/ice cream

(I'll add some more less cracky ships later, I promise.)

As for me, no limits on who or what I'm shipped with, any and all pronouns are fine. Tall, large hands and feet, short and messy brown hair, green eyes with a gold ring around the pupil (yes, I know, it's very Sueish), and a prominent nose.

I'd have to sign up for Pokémon Showdown and come up with a good team. If anyone wants to give me tips, so far, I've got:

Alolan Golem

Charizard

Gyarados

Arcanine

Kartana

Blastoise

Dragonite

I'm going for high base stats, high base power moves (with some stat boosters), and type advantages.

This year's theme is Saved from the Cutting Room Floor!

Hal the Metagross
Kilauea the Volcanion
Regina the Honchkrow
Aramis the Virizon
Altaria (can mega evolve)
Bambi the Sawsbuck

Reserve: Ibuki the Toxicroak

You’ve given the rules of engagement, if you will, but not the actual mechanics. I’m curious, but unclear as to how these battles actually play out.

I've got to admit, I have spent hours since this post went up trying to think up a new team to play this year. Then, about fifteen minutes ago I went. "Why create a new team, I won last time we did standard rules." And so with a few minor tweaks I present to you my OU team.

First up, the one, the only. The unbeatable MAMOSWINE!
Second. You know it, you hate it. He'll wash you up. It's ROTOM-W!
Thirdly, this one will sweep you under once again. It's ALAKAZAM!
Next up, a new face, a new force. KARTANA!
Fifth to step up will have you hot under the collar. That's right, HEATRAN is here to stay!
Reminding you not to mess with Fairies, a new 'mon is here. It's MEGA ALTARIA!
And finally, the Snowy Substitute you'd best not mess with. It's ALOLAN NINETALES!

...I might have got a bit too excited

Novastorme.

P.S Warning this may change at some point prior to the 4th April.

Victini
Gliscor
Lucario
Ninetales-Alola
Scizor
Chansey

Substitute: Crobat

My combatants are as follows:

Young Volcanoes (Heatran)
Rubberband Man (M-Venusaur)
Back in Black (Greninja)
Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea (Mamoswine)
Magia (Magearna)
Icarus (Tornadus-T)

A sub may come along soon, however today is not that day.

Introducing Team Watercolour Challenge:-

Black Wave (Greninja)
Crimson Tide (Toxapex)
Purple Rain (Swampert)
Sea Green (Pelipper)
Blue Dog (Suicune)
Lavender Water (Tapu Fini)
Substitute: Muddy Waters (Gastrodon)

Not only is it a mono-Water team, they're also all different colours! TASTE THE RAINBOW. TASTE IT. GET IT IN YOUR MOUTH AND LET THE TASTING HAPPEN. YOU CANNOT STOP IT. YOU CAN ONLY HOPE TO CONTAIN IT.

Primarina
Garchomp
Volcarona
Weavile
Crobat
Aggron
No substitute... for now. Might change my mind, but I've never used one in the past so it seems pointless for me to do it now.

I think I'll take a gander at it this year. :)

Battler: S.M.F!

Pokémon: Togekiss (Marisa), Altaria (no nickname), Espeon (Rafael), Torchic (Rachel), Porygon (Webmind), Vaporeon (Nautilus), and Umbreon (Bobo).

No special items for me, or Megas.

I was very unconvinced by the whole "female Night Fury" stuff I'd seen in the trailers, so having the reassurance of someone whose judgement I trust (Looking at you, "Crimes of Grindelwald was great!" mother) has gotten me curious again.

I'm probably going to cry, aren't I?

SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER

So it turns out that the offspring of a Night Fury and a Light Fury are referred to as Nightlights. This pleases the Scapegrace.

Also Mel has a Light Fury plush from Build-A-Bear and it is just the cutest thing ever ever ever.

I've been a very long time fan of these movies (and books!) and so this gets me so pumped, you have no idea! Thanks Nesh!

-Twistey

Hi don't mind me SOBBING IN THE CORNER

...I wonder why it says in TOS that Sues never like Gimli. I mean, he's pure awesome, in book and in film.

"In the Land of Mordor, where the Shadows lie."

Explorable map

Noooooo idea whether this is the last teaser map update, but it's looking like a firm map of the early Third Age. At a guess, the fact that the Great North Road goes to Fornost, not Annuminas, means that we're after the division of Arnor - ie, in the run-up to the Fall of Arthedain and the ending of the Line of Kings in Gondor.

I have wanted this for quite some time.

A Fall of Kings episode would actually work really well with Young Aragorn. It explains both why he isn't a king (his ancestors lost their kingdom) and why he could become one (the Gondorian king went missing). It lets you introduce the Nazgul as a sort of hereditary enemy (the Witch-King is directly responsible for the fall of Arnor and the death of the last king of Gondor), which means you can use them as a threat during the series. Plus, 'army from the frozen north led by an undead sorcerer' has a certain... resonance with another big-budget fantasy series. ^_~

hS

Faramir is my favorite character. His refusal to take the ring, because he pledged to not, and his ride to Osgiliath, Sometimes you just need a character that does the noble thing without fail, like something to aspire to.

Look, I was that into Tolkien. I read it, but it went over my head. I was probably too young? I'm not sure. Maybe I'll go back and still won't like it.

But man, I am in awe of the guy. Middle Earth is a kind of insanely well-developed setting and I genuinely do understand WHY there is such a fandom for it. It's utterly fantastic.

Anyways, the one thing I DID get into was Tolkien Fanfic. However, I only know the classics that anyone already invested in the PPC or Tolkien fandom is already aware of. So, allow me to proselytize to you young'uns... who are my age. I am also a young'un.

-OFUM. The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth was funny then, and it's still funny now. It's a wonderful snapshot of the manic spirit of the PPC/fandom Back In The Day, and I love it so much for all of its insane goofiness.

-Suedom. I'm going to disagree with the authors here, and tell you that Suedom is pretty great. Yes, it's goofy and weird in places, but it's also amazing, and probably the single darkest and bleakest thing to ever be written in the PPC setting, while still being funny in places. And frankly, the tinge of darkness makes it really interesting and special and just that much more real than anything else of its era. If the PPC is a lighthearted workplace comedy, Suedom is the adjacent grim look into a hostage situation.

It could also be considered subversive, but I don't think it's quite as subversive as the authors might think: the PPC (well, now at least) is generally more broad-minded then we're painted. Although I don't think we've recruited a lesser Sue in a while... maybe we should bring that tradition back.

-Finally, if you haven't... you need to read Mostly Harmless. It takes the "girl sucked into Middle Earth" trope, subverts it, and then proceeds to do everything with that subversion you could conceivably do. There is nothing left to do now, because Mostly Harmless has done it all already, and done it better than you will. Yes, that was a joke, but it is legitimately that good.

My favourite scene in LotR is and always will remain the coming of the Rohirrim to Minas Tirith. RotK-M made a valiant effort, but it really didn't do it justice.

My favourite thing about Tolkien's writing is the sheer depth there is under it. Middle-earth always feels like a world that we're only seeing a small part of. In contrast, something like Harry Potter or even Discworld feels much more like a soundstage or a theatre set - yes, there are background details, but they feel like they exist in isolation, not as part of a coherent whole.

One way this manifests is in how even the smallest characters have a whole lot going on. Take, for example, Rosie Cotton, pretty much a textbook example of a featureless love interest. Except...

‘Hullo, Sam!’ said Rosie. ‘Where’ve you been? They said you were dead; but I’ve been expecting you since the Spring. You haven’t hurried have you?’

...

‘Well, be off with you!’ said Rosie. ‘If you’ve been looking after Mr. Frodo all this while, what d’you want to leave him for, as soon as things look dangerous?’

That's practically all the lines she gets, but in just that much, Tolkien paints an entire character for us. You could write Rosie Cotton, as a living character in her own land, and be sure you had her pretty much as Tolkien intended, entirely on the basis of that quote. And I think that's pretty fantastic.

hS

... the PPC is an exaggerated version of World One. PPC agents work for a soulless corporation whose bosses literally don't care if they go insane and/or die; they never get paid, never get holidays, and - oh yeah - their job is literal murder. Which isn't an entirely accurate depiction of our world.

So why would the Shipverse PPC be any different? To my mind, Shipverse World One is probably pretty similar to our own, except that where our sexual orientation spectrum has a hard skew to 'straight', theirs is balanced about 'bi/pan' - and where our history and institutions have ingrained monogamy into our society, theirs are much looser.

If you're only shipped with people in a friendly/cuddly way, then that's all Shipverse Twistey gets up to. If she was Agent Shipverse Twistey, we'd assume she was indeed 'banging everyone', but she's not, so we don't. Similar to how we assume all agents are psychotic obsessive fans, but Boarders are probably just the obsessive part. ;)

(yes I have thought about what the Worlds One would be like across the multiverse I'm not weird you're weird)

hS

Which is to say, we have nonsensical flimsy justifications that don't matter, the shipfest is noncanon and makes no sense anyways, so if you're wondering how we ship and sleep, and other science facts, just repeat to yourself "it's just a ship, I should really just relax."

FOR PPC SHIPFEST THEATRE 3000 (guitar twang)

GMA maneuvered his car up a windy, dusty mountain road, a bag full of books in his trunk next to the groceries. He eventually reached a remote cave that, oddly enough, had a power line running into it. In fact, the cave seemed lived-in: there was a pair of maxlboxes and a painted-on address by right-hand side of the entrance.

GMA got out of the car and grabbed the sack of books he’d bought down in town from the trunk. “Hey Doc!” he shouted into the cave as he walked in.

“Did you bring more booksssss?” a voice growled from the depths.

“Sure did!” GMA yelled back.He started walking down the slope into the main part of the cave. As he made his way to the large main chamber of his cave, he walked past his apartment, which was just a pile of side chambers with a door labeled ‘B’ blocking the front. GMA liked his place. Sure, it was pretty out of the way, but it was spacious, cheap (even though the rent was in a rather unusual currency), and Doc was a very good friend.

After entering the cave, he froze. The big black dragon who lived in apartment A was still sometimes intimidating, even though he knew full well that doctorlit was a very nice guy. He just happened to be a dragon. An extremely handsome (and kinda cute) nerdy dragon who liked books.

GMA snapped out of it, took the bag of books, opened it, and set it on the ground in front of him. Doc stepped forward a few times, and started sniffing at the rent.

“Yesssss,” he said, “booksssss. Fresh booksssss. Wonderful bookssssss.”

“I got a whole bunch of stuff,” GMA said.

“Yesssssss,” Doc hissed. “My pressssious bookssssses.”

“You’re doing the Gollum thing again, doc.”

Doc shook his head. “Yes, but booksssss. I needs them. Mine. Mine!” He grabbed the bag with a very hand-like claw and pulled it with him deep into the cave

GMA sighed. “Do you want to snuggle up and read later?” he called into the inner depths of the cave.

“Booksssss!” the dragon replied. Doc evidently wasn’t in the mood.

“Ok, maybe tomorrow then.” GMA replied as he went home.

“Bookssss.” came a faint reply from the depths of the cave. “Booksssss.”

"Never change, Doc," GMA said quietly, "Never change."

Wake Me Up Inside (Ship web around Moons, parody)

This is a parody of the fic “Like a Shadow Over the Soul”. It features Four Moons Watching as the main character, and also includes Calliope, twistedwindowpane, Iximaz, Huinesoron, Neshomeh, Scapegrace, Snowblaze, Willis64, and Hardric.

Hi my name is Luna Artemis’ia Selene Aysel Watch and I have long blue black hair (that’s how I got my name) with blue streaks and purple tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue silver eyes like the moon and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da heck out of here!). [[I’m not related to anyone from Overwatch but I wish I was because Halloween Mercy is a major freaking hottie. I’m a fallen angel but my wings are retractable and made of energy. I have pale white skin. I’m also a writer, and I’m in a writing group called the PPC in England where I’m in my first year (I’m sixteen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black galaxy print miniskirt, silver fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and blue eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so the sky was very dark, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I stuck out my tongue at them.

“Hey Luna!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Calliope!

“What’s up Calliope?” I asked.

“Nothing.” she said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

------

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some holy wine from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was blue velvet with silver lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant Valravn t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on a pair of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Adelyn (AN: Twistey dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with red streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Burzum t-shirt with a black jacket, black mini, fishnets and high-heeled combat boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

“OMG, I saw you talking to Calliope yesterday!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Calliope?” she asked as we went out of our private messaging and into the Board hall.

“No I so don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Calliope walked up to me.

“Hi.” she said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

------

Calliope leaned in extra-close and I looked into her gothic red eyes (she was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly just as I Calliope kissed me passionately. Calliope climbed on top of me and we started to cuddle keenly against a tree. Very cleanly because Shipfest fics are clean.

“WHAT IN ERU’S NAME ARE YOU DOING YOU FOOLS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Huinsorenian!

------

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McShoma.

“How dare you?” demanded Professor Scape.

And then Calliope shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

-------

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with silver moons all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of moon and star earrings, and two angel-wings in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with silver.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with holy wine instead of milk, and a glass of red wine. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the wine spilled over my top.

“Watch where you’re going!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a goth with spiky black hair with green streaks in it. They were wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down their face and they were wearing black lipstick. They didn’t have sunglasses anymore and now they were wearing red contact lenses just like Calliope’s and there was no scar on their forhead anymore. They had a manly stubble on their chin. They had a sexy English accent. They looked exactly like Joel Madden. They were so attractive that my body went all hot when I saw them.

“I’m so sorry.” they said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Iximaz, although most people call me Werewolf these days.” they grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the light of the full moon.” they giggled.

“Well, I am a fallen angel of the moon.” I confessed.

“Really?” they whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Calliope came up behind me and told me she had a surprise for me so I went away with her.

------

My friend E’ternal Winter Night smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like communism that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Snowblaze was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are angels and one of them is a witch but a Mary Sue killed her mother and her father disappeared because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Night and not Blazkowicz.

------

I was really scared about Strakit all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Fallen Gothic Wings 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are E’ternal Winter, Werewolf, Calliope, Willis64 (although we call him Wilhelm666 now. He has black hair now with red streaks in it.) and Hadric. Only today Calliope and Werewolf were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Calliope was probably punching a wall (she wouldn’t die because she was a vampire and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak) and Werewolf was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a short black leather shirt and tiny matching miniskirt that said Elvin’s Tales on the butt. You might think I have bad fashion sense but I really don’t.

------

Yes, that was several excerpts from “My Immortal”, with a few of the words replaced. Congratulations, you’ve read the laziest Shipfest fic ever. Apologies for the length, since I just couldn’t choose one or two scenes. And finally, can you find all the subtle side-jokes, references, and other Easter eggs I included in the fic? Also, feel free to spinoff.

-Twistey

"So."

Kaitlyn swallowed, clutching her blanket tighter around her, turning to follow Iximaz's circling prowl. "So?"

Iximaz reached in, caught a corner of the blanket and tugged it, making Kaitlyn squeak. "So can I see?"

"I don't know..." Kaitlyn did her best to peek inside the blanket without actually opening it. "I look silly."

"I doubt that." This time around, Ix stretched out a leg, stroking her toes up Kaitlyn's stocking-clad calf. "Though if you'd picked a different word starting with S..."

Kaitlyn made a sound halfway between a giggle and a whimper. "But, I mean, there's so much cleavage."

"Kaitlyn." Ix swung to a stop in front of her, facing her across two feet of floor. "You might have missed the fact that most people consider cleavage a good thing."

"Yeah, but this much?" Kaitlyn waved at her front, then hurriedly grabbed the blanket as it started to slip. "I highly doubt it."

Iximaz stepped in, pressed her lips to the shoulder the escaping blanket had left bare. "I promise," she murmured. "Please?"

Kaitlyn squirmed slightly, then sighed and met Iximaz's gaze. "All right." She took a deep breath, loosed her hands, and let the blanket fall.

Iximaz took a step back. A smile touched her lips as she took in the view: Kaitlyn's black thigh-high stockings, the lacy garters holding them in place, the matching lace of her black knickers cutting a shallow angle across her hips, and above it all the corset, purple lace fitted to black, and just as much cleavage as had been promised.

Kaitlyn stood, hands at her sides, barely daring to breathe as Iximaz's gaze took her in. "Well?" she whispered, her voice trembling. "What do you think?"

"Oh, Kaitlyn." Iximaz crossed the distance between them, wrapped her arms around Kaitlyn, and kissed her tenderly on the lips. "You look... perfect."

hS

This is the first piece of writing I’ve posted to the Board, so hooray! The story is that Twistey and I do a double date with Moons and Iximaz playing dodgeball against Sues and Stues. I hope you guys enjoy it, feel free to make spinoffs!


“I’ve almost got it…” said Twistey as she delicately lowered the final card onto her house of cards.

“Surprise!” exclaimed Willis, tickling Twistey and causing the house of cards to fall.

“Nooo! I spent like ten minutes on that!” yelled Twistey as she swatted him on the arm.

“Hehehe, I’m so evil. Anyway, are you ready to go? The others are waiting.”

“Oh I suppose. Why did I agree to this again?”

“Because dodgeball is fun! Besides, the Sues and Stus are only simulations, and considerably weakened ones at that.”

“So where are we playing it? You never really told me.”

“Well, the Sunflower Official had a Sue themed sports arena built in Headquarters with the latest and greatest simulation technology, in order to trick agents into using their free time in training. But the agents became so overworked that it’s never been used, so we’ll be the only ones there.”

“Huh. Well, let’s get it over with.” Twistey said as she walked with Willis out into the hall where Moons and Iximaz were waiting, arm in arm.

“Woohoo let’s do this! The simulation room is 5 minutes of walking thataway!” said Iximaz.

“Race you there!” yelled Willis as he took off running, his cross country training coming in handy again.

“Well he can have fun with that.” said Moons as she walked around the corner and drove a golf cart, borrowed from the arena, around the corner. Everyone boarded it and easily passed Willis.

“Wait, come back! That’s not fair!” cried Willis, breaking into a sprint in a vain effort to catch up to them.

“HAHAHA FASTER!” yelled Twistey in a maniacal voice, tauntingly waving at the receding figure of Willis.

Willis managed to reach the room after a couple of minutes, in a sweaty mess, while the others comfortably lounged in the waiting room.

“Oh, look who showed up! I guess we can finally start.” said Moons, punching in the code to start the dodgeball simulation.

“Wait, let me catch my breath!” panted Willis, but to no avail. The floor fell from beneath their feet, dropping them into a huge room with padded walls, two huge piles of dodgeballs, a dividing line, and a horde of twenty Sues and Stus.

The Sues and Stus roared and charged toward their pile of dodgeballs, but the four friends took a while to get their head in the game.

“Oh crap crap crap crap! I’ve gotta hide!” screamed Twistey. She tried to run, but Willis grabbed her hand and dragged her towards the balls.

“Come on, this is the fun part!” Willis grabbed a pair of dodgeballs and forced one into Twistey’s hands.

“Now throw the dang thing! They disappear on a hit, but it takes 5 for us to get knocked out!”

“AAHH NO! I don’t want to get knocked out! That’d hurt!” screamed Twistey, right as a ball bounced off of her head.

“Snrk that’s one hit. And it's not literally getting knocked out.” said Willis. They both looked over at the other team to see one of the Stus triumphantly yelling and doing a Fortnite dance.

“That one’s mine!” snarled Twistey as she threw her ball at the Stu, causing him to blink out of existence. Satisfied that Twistey would fight, Willis looked for an opponent. And there he was. A buff elf. He looked like Dwayne Johnson with pointy ears, and much paler.

“ELVES AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE BUFF!” screamed Willis. The violation of nature turned toward him with a sadistic grin.

“Y’know, he’s right! We should get rid of this impostor! He’s such a fake, he’s not cool like us!” murmured some of the Sues and Stus. Five of them turned toward the buff elf, quickly wiping the smirk off his face. It took just 3 seconds for them to finish him off, but it gave Willis the breather he needed. He glanced over to see that Twistey had finished her opponent and had gotten another couple down too.

“OWOOOOOO!” Iximaz howled at the ceiling as he transformed into his wolf form, which must have been from Headquarters’s temporal strangeness causing a spontaneous full moon. He started bounding after the balls, wanting to play fetch, but soon suffered his fifth hit. With that, a hatch opened in the floor beneath him and he vanished from sight.

“Nooo!” yelled Moons, and everybody redoubled their efforts. They soon finished off the rest of their not very skilled opponents, but they each had no more than a couple of hits left.

“Yay, we did it! But what happens now?” exclaimed Twistey. And then the floor fell from beneath them, dropping them into a sleek plastic slide that somehow deposited them back down into the simulation waiting room. Iximaz, still a wolf, jumped up from where he had been laying and bounded over to Moons.

“Oh who’s a good wolfy! We won!” gushed Moons, affectionately ruffling Iximaz’s fur.

“Woof woof!” Iximaz barked excitedly as he leaned against Moons’s leg.

“We won! That was so much fun!” cried Twistey, flinging herself into Willis’s arms and giving him a kiss.

“We did! I knew you’d have fun!” said Willis as he happily embraced Twistey.

“Well, I’m exhausted. Let’s go relax.” said Moons. They all climbed back into the golf cart, including Willis this time, and headed off for a relaxing evening.

A Badger bent over a piece of parchment, scribbling furiously as the candles burned low.

The parchment itself was a map. The badger was muttering furiously to himself about terrain. To his left was an index of mathematical calculations covered in notes, scribbles, and calculations; "wind resistance" this and "magma formation" that, carefully arranged into the kind of total and complete mess that only comes from hours of dedicated work. And the map showed it: perfectly arrayed, immaculately designed, beautifully annotated. It was a masterpiece.

Unfortunately, fate had other plans. A careless swipe of the weary badger's paw sent ink flying across the artfully designed map, ruining it all. The badger stared. He blinked.

A cry of anguish echoed into the distance.

"Oi, mate! Some of us trying to catch some sleep!" A vaguely sandwich-like entity appeared adjacent to the badger.

"...Larf?"

"Bang on the money, gov! Here, awake, irritable, and bready." The sandwich, despite his claims, didn't seem especially irritable. He grinned in precisely the way that meat between bread usually didn't.

"Urrrgh..." The badger buried his head in his hands. "Sorry to wake you up like that. I just ruined this map I've been spending hours on. I calculated all the wind conditions and biome formations and everything! And it's just... gone. How can I call myself a worldbuilder now, without a world?"

The sandwich squinted. Somehow. It didn't have eyes, so how the sandwich was able to do this was confusing. But it did nonetheless. "Mate, you do know that you don't need to do that to build a world, right?"

"...Yeah, I do."

"Nah, man. Just fudge it! See?" The sandwich grabbed a parchment and quill with its not-hands and drew rapidly. "See, that looks about right, eh?"

The badger blinked. "...I mean... I guess yeah?"

"There ya go! See? You don't need all that math guff, do ya? C'mon, I'll help you out."

The black-and-white striped mammal sighed again. "What would I do without you, Larf?"

The sandwich smirked, seemingly uncaring that this was blatantly impossible. "Sleep alone, proabably..."

((This is loosely based on a real conversation in Discord. Veeery loosely. Veeeeeeeeeeeery loosely. :-P. But thanks for the idea, guys!))

Summary: The PPC brought them together. Can a badfic tear them apart? This is a sort-of-standalone ship fic in MoaM reality, set after the events of “Man on a Mission”. (MoaM reality is a different reality from the Shipverse, in deference to its occasionally dark subject matter. TL;DR: MoaM reality’s two defining characteristics are its Agent!Boarders premise and the events of MoaM: the ultimately successful sporking of a nasty Wolfenstein 3D bleepfic that made some very odd things happen to various agents. How exactly did all of this happen? It's still being finished.)

It had been a year since the sporking of “Fountain of Youth”, and Huinesoron had only recently found out that Intern Twistey had never taken the necessary Bleeprin to recover from the incident.

“No, no, I’m fine,” she had insisted when questioned about it. “My own imagination has come up with worse. Even before the fic came out, or before I knew about Celebrian or Rose Potter or-.”

“If that’s the case,” hS had replied, “you really need the Bleeprin.”

She had put one hand on her hip. “Do I now. How much did you prescribe to me, again?”

“Mm… one pill daily for three weeks, if I recall.”

“Jesus, that’s a lot.”

“A serious amount for a serious event. No amount of insistence is going to get you out of this.”

She had rolled her eyes, then been called over by Intern Willis, who wanted to show her a Suvian artifact he’d traded for with an agent. Huinesoron had never had a chance since then to catch up to Twistey about the Bleeprin. It really didn’t make any sense to him that she was resisting, as she’d clearly been the hardest hit by the fic, and he secretly feared that she felt no different about what had happened to her than she had in her original brainwashed state. Bleugh, it was sickening to think about.

He was trying to figure out how to get the Bleeprin, and possibly some Anti-Lustin, into Twistey’s food when [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!]

Huinesoron was jolted out of his thoughts by the sound, and looked up to see Kaitlyn dashing for the console. She pressed the button and motioned him over. “Let’s see what we have this time.”

hS and Kaitlyn had been moved by Upstairs to the Department of Floaters for an indeterminate amount of time, and had been assigned no badfics with any unpleasant content for that amount of time. Well, the Sunflower Official had said that it was “until the mess from when you wantonly seized command of all Boarders has been sorted out,” but who knows what all he had meant by that. In the meantime, the two of them had received nothing but the most inoffensive of badfics, in order to be properly “readjusted”. Of course, Huinesoron had insisted that he was fine now, but the SO is hard to convince.

“Looks like nothing’s changed,” said Kaitlyn. “This one’s a crossover.”

Huinesoron looked a bit closer. “Hmm.” Then he cleared his throat.
“Thaw The Frozen Heart (DDLC X Frozen X Baldi’s Basics - Ice!Monika X Fire!Male!Reader, IceXFire!Cutcake)” He paused. “What’s Cutcake?”

“Well, it’s a ship name… sounds like a character who likes knives and a character who bakes. Which would be…” she scrolled through the fic… “Yuri and Natsuki.” She looked at her husband. “Nice wordplay for a badfic.”

hS smiled at his wife. At least she was enjoying these tamer missions. Personally, although he would do anything to protect canon, these ones brought him no adrenaline whatsoever. There had to be something truly shocking for the sporking to be truly satisfying. And this one was so close to being there… Doki Doki Literature Club and Baldi’s Basics in Education and Learning were both horror games, but this was just a lighthearted romance fic with other continua thrown in for extra flavor.

He continued reading the description. “When you transferred to your friend Light!Sayori’s high school and she invited you to the school literature club, you didn’t realize you’d meet the love of your life. But the school holds more danger than you realize. Your math teacher Mr. Darkness!Baldi is keen on making you miserable. But you are determined to thaw Ice!Monika’s frozen heart.”

“Wow,” said hS, “there’s elements other than ice and fire in this. Good job, Frozen fanbase, you’ve learned something.”

Kaitlyn laughed for a bit. “Okay, it’s a reader fic. Where’s the crash dummy?”

He shrugged and shook his head. “I don’t know, I think Twistey tried to marry it or something.”

“I doubt that’s the case.” Kaitlyn turned to face the opposite direction and leaned on the console. “Let me go look for it-”

A portal opened exactly where hS was. “Aaah!” he cried as he was sucked into its depths.

Kaitlyn stood shocked for a second, then shook herself, quickly grabbed a backpack full of agent gear, and followed.

-Twistey

Summary: A bunch of Boarder couples enter a virtual-reality WWII strategy game, each getting to experience life from the perspectives of a world leader at the time and his significant other. The results are surprising.

Ah, Paris. The city of love.

“Isn’t it beautiful, Kaitlyn?” gushed Huinesoron. “All the trees and the sky and there’s the Eiffel Tower, and…”

Kaitlyn was smiling too. “I’d really hate to see all of this get bombed.”

“Oh yeah… there’s that…” He exhaled. “Nesh and I declared war on Twistey and Willis earlier today, and that means we could actually be targeted in a bombing raid eventually.” hS became melancholy, taking everything in as if he would never see it again.

“Don’t feel too bad. It had to be done.”

“That’s the worst part. I just can’t believe what she’s been up to.”

“Playing by the script, it seems. Playing exactly by the script.”

------

It was a cold day in Moscow, but Snowblaze didn’t mind. She loved the weather here.

“How do I look in this gleaming white uniform?” she asked her lover, who I shall let the other Boarders choose, while studying herself in the mirror.

“Very dashing, Comrade Snowblaze.”

“Thank you, comrade.” Then they both burst out laughing.

“So, about the deal to split up Poland… d’ya think she’s going to betray you?”

“I know she’s going to betray me.” Snowblaze turned around. “We’ve had a rivalry going for a while.”

“But she’s the history freak. She knows Russia is too cold and too populous to be successfully invaded.”

“She’s a freak in general. She won’t stop.” She laughed. “I say that with affection.”

------

“I feel disgusting with this thing on my arm,” remarked Twistey to no one in particular.

“Then take it off,” replied Willis with a shrug.

“I can’t. Not while I’m working. I have to play along or else get overthrown by my own officers.”

“Suit yourself.”

Twistey leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes. “If this were truly historically accurate, they wouldn’t let a woman lead Germany anyway. I’ve got to always remember that.”

There was a knock on the door. “Come in.”

An out-of-breath young soldier walked in. Twistey quickly tried to look serious and intimidating. “Yes? What is it?”

He handed her a letter across the desk. “Britain and France have declared war.”

“Thank you, you are dismissed.” As the soldier left, Twistey turned to Willis. “So it begins.”

“Do you think we’ll be able to beat France if it’s being run by, uh, what’s his face?”

“HWEEN-ay-SORE-on. And I don’t know. But we’ll definitely have to watch out for Great Britain, since Neshomeh and Phobos are in charge.”

“Nesh seems nice.”

“She’s always nice until I pull a stunt like this. So are half the oldbies. The other half just ignore it.”

“Hindsight 20/20.”

The door burst open. Once again, Twistey sat up in her chair and adopted a stern expression. She needed it, as now she was face to face with the chief of the SS, Heinrich Himmler.

“When are you going to implement the Final Solution?” he demanded. “I believe it’s time now to begin.”

Twistey paused. “It, ah, it will come… Where did I say that the Jews were the prob- I mean, what I was going to do with them?”

“In here.” He put a copy of Mein Kampf on top of the desk. “Perhaps you should read through it again, and recollect exactly what you came here to do.”

“Thank you. You are dismissed.”

Being published was what every Boarder dreamed of. And here she was, with a book she wrote. At least, she did in this virtual-reality world that Tomash, Thoth, and her friend Sigma from Newgrounds had coded as part of the move towards the creation of strategy games for the PPCers to enjoy. But the words sure didn’t sound like her, the way they were written. She wouldn't leave that many typos in a book. And the ideas presented in it were even worse.

That was the problem. The simulation, being focused on military tactics, started with the day that the war did. How Twistey had come to power was completely out of her control. And now she was going to look like a coward who couldn’t keep promises.

“Ohhhhhhh God. Remind me again why I did this,” she murmured to Willis.

“Why you convinced them to build the simulation, or why you kinda automatically flung yourself into this particular role?”

“The latter.”

He shrugged. “I dunno. Just like me when we play Axis and Allies. Someone has to.”

More are coming. Feel free to make spinoffs.

-Twistey

"Angst. Angst. Angst. Aaaaaaangst. Angst angst angst angst angst. Angstangstangstangstangstangstangstangstangst." Moons banged her head against the wall over and over again.

"Ey, what's Moons doing?" Iximaz asked. "Why's she off in the corner?"

"Oh," said Calliope, taking a sip of coffee she'd just ordered off the bar. "She's angsting. Pretty good at it too."

Iximaz frowned. "Hang on just a moment." She wandered over to the newbie. "Hey!"

Moons looked up sulkily. "What's it to you?"

The older writer narrowed her eyes. "You're... angsting, aren't you?"

"So what if I am? What if the gods have cursed me? What if there is a black doom upon me, an incredible grimness that hangs over my very soul?"

A slow smile crossed Ix's lips. "Don't talk to me about your very soul. I've been angsting before the very concept of blackness even occurred to you. My very being is so full of despair that you can't even comprehend it."

A silence fell over the two. Moons broke it.

"My very existence is anguish."

"Well, my soul is consumed by grim desires and inconceivable suffering."

"My pain is so great that mere mortals cannot even comprehend it."

"I'm so sad that I seem happy again because nobody can recognize the depths of it."

"I've written poems so black that nobody could read the paper they were printed on."

"Well, my poems are so black that they make people happy because they suck all the sadness in the room into themselves."

"Have you even contemplated the deep and dark nature of human soul?"

"I've come to deep realizations about the grim, black, superblackness of the soul that you will never understand."

"My suffering alone could create a new deity, such is its strength!"

"Corvus Corax once told me I was the angstiest human he'd ever met!"

The two stared at each other, breathless.

Ix sighed slowly, calming down. "So, want to be angstmates then?"

Moons gasped. "Can we be?"

"Only if you dye your hair..."

The newbie grinned. "Do you really think black is my natural color?"

Ix smiled. "I think I love you already..."

Willis had slept in late today.

Twistey wasn't too concerned, this was something he did from time to time. What did concern her was the fact that he was still in bed after she'd gotten back from a leisurely breakfast and some chats with friends. Even with HQ's temporal weirdness, it had to have been a couple hours.

She sat on the edge of his bed and gently ruffled his bright red hair. "Morning, sleepyhead."

Willis responded with a muffled groan. "'M tired, Twistey. Didn't sleep well last night."

"Bad dream?"

"Think so. Don't even remember what it was. Somethin' that should've been silly, I think. All I remember's there were lots of weasels. Whatever happened, I doubt I got more'n a couple hours in."

Twistey stroked her boyfriend's hair. "I'm right here, Willis. You're safe, in your own bed, and there's no weasels in the RC." Kicking off her shoes, she slipped in to cuddle Willis. "Get some rest. I'll keep you safe."

It was then that the Ironic Overpower provided a BEEP!

Twistey was having none of her console's fuvg. "Console. Sleep is important. There comes a point at which your antics are no longer funny. If you don't let us sleep I'm rewiring you into a microwave. Understood?"

The console bipped in slightly terrified agreement.

"I'll get to you when we're both rested. Until then, no noise."

"Nice." Willis gave Twistey an affectionate nuzzle. "How'd you think of that?"

"Spend long enough in HQ and you're bound to hear that trick eventually. I think it was Jay who came up with it." Twistey wrapped her arms around Willis and smiled. "Let's get some rest. You need it."

Willis smiled back and reached over to turn out the light. "Yeah. With the workload here, I bet catching up on sleep'll do us both good."

"Love you, Willis." Twistey curled up against him, soaking in the warmth.

Willis tried to reply, but exhaustion overtook him before he could. Smiling softly, Twistey closed her eyes, snuggling up to him and letting her mind go blank. It took her a bit longer to drift off, her being less tired than him, but soon enough she, too, was sleeping peacefully.

Neither of them dreamed of weasels.

"Okay, how did you do that?" Huinesoron squinted at Nova.

"Do what?"

"You were standing over there. You didn't move. I walked away. Now you're here."

Nova squinted. "Dunno."

"For that matter, you were in my bathroom this morning. Just... staring at me. And then gave me a bottle of wine. It was... really weird."

"Was I?"

"And then you followed me to work. And you were on the side of the road while I was driving... You just won't leave me alone, will you?"

"Maybe..."

Huinesoron sighed. "Is this because I said I'd go out with you this weekend?"

Nova squinted. "Could be, yeah..."

"...Are you gonna keep magically teleporting randomly to locations near me until I do?"

"I've... considered it."

"Jeez, man, you could get hit by a car! Or fall off a building! Or... something."

"Welll.... yes."

"You didn't think this through, did you?"

"Nnnnno..."

Huinesoron sighed. "Would you like to go for a drink now?"

"Yesplease."

It was a dim and cloudy evening, just after sunset. Iximaz was passing through a park on the way home. Their eyes shone gold in what was left of the light, and their long pants covered a rather embarrassing scar that looked like a claw mark.

Then, very quickly, impossibly quickly, as if someone were speeding up the footage to skip though a long, boring processes, a full moon rose. In fact, four moons rose. They seemed to peer down at Iximaz with a collective smile.

“Oh, no.,” Ix muttered. They tried to keep theirself together through sheer force of will, holding back the explosion that was about to overcome them as best they could.

“Not. Time.” they grunted as patches of fur burst out of their skin in a few places. “Hate this.”

It’ll be OK, Ix. the moons said, somehow. I can help. This doesn’t have to a curse.

Really? Ix thought, hoping that would get back to the voice they’d just heard, before yelping in pain as their bones shifted around. They roughly threw their bag to the ground so that it wouldn’t get too banged up during the rest of the transformation.

In response, the moons concentrated their light onto the transforming werewolf,, enveloping them in a warm, white glow. I’ll help you through this.

As the moonlight surrounded Ix, their transformation much more fluid and graceful. Fur rippled out over their body as it slid into a more canine form without all the violent rearrangement that usually accompanied a full moon. Their face stretched out into a muzzle. A tail rose out from their lower back without the usual ‘pop’. Even their clothes neatly came off and floated onto Ix’s bag.

Wow. Ix said. Can it always be this easy? Also, thank gooodness I don’t need to replace that jacket.

Yeah, I can make this how your transformations usually go. the moons said. After all, I’m four moons, and that beats the one moon you usually deal with.

Ix’s tail wagged. Nice!

There was a pause. I like your jacket too, by the way.

Uh, OK, sure. Thanks!

No problem. the moons said softly.

Ix took a few hesitant steps forward. This new way of being a werewolf sure left them a lot less exhausted than what they usually had to deal with. Then, filled with a burst of energy, they took off running around the park.

This is great! they thought-shouted up at the sky as they ran. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good as a, y’know, wolf.

That was the plan. I noticed how miserable you were getting at night and thought I’d do something about it.

A few laps around the park later, Iximaz walked up to their stuff, panting. I like this. they said quietly. I like you.

I like you too. the four moons watching said.

Ix sat down. There was only one real way to properly express their thoughts on the situation, they realized:

“Awoooooooooooooooooo!”