Feb 2019 Archive, part c

We like to have every PPC story that was ever written linked on the wiki. I actually thought about creating pages for your characters, but I still hoped that you would come back.

I'm currently a bit out of service (had some surgery to be done to my right arm and are typing with my less dexterous hand), so I can't be of much help.

Good to see you again.

HG

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
   
   Uhh, ORE WA TENKUJI TAKERU, AND ON MY 16TH BIRTHDAY, I WAS KILLED BYA CREATURE CALLED A GANMA, AND BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY... okay, I forgot what comes after that.
   
   I'm Skater, a human from World One.
   
   2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
   
   Uhh, I'm in the Department of Floaters, and I'm partnered with one of my very old original characters who I've tried to recycle many times! He's an anthropomorphic Tiger Dragon from the Dragon Story continuum named Leo.
   
   3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
   
   Uhh, I don't give out my private information for everyone to see. That's unsafe.
   
   4. Height and weight?
   
   Again, that's private information.
   
   5. Sexual orientation?
   
   Straight. (This shouldn't even have to be a question...)
   
   6. IQ?
   
   Again, that's private.
   
   [Some questions were redacted because Neo Skater refused to write answers for them. Being an author, reality can be whatever he wants.]
   
   8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
   
   I have this axe, I have a handgun for ranged fights, and I think that's it.
   
   9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
   
   Not that I know of.
   
   [redacted]
   
   [redacted]
   
   12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
   
   Heck. It's a very ironic and light substitute for a curse word and makes me sound funny, like a true meme lord.
   
   13. When was the last time you threw up?
   
   Uhh... hmmm... I can't remember.
   
   14. Have any mental illnesses?
   
   Stop asking me these private questions!
   
   15. What is your biggest phobia?
   
   I'm afraid of heights under certain conditions and the dark.
   
   [redacted]
   
   17. Have any addictions?
   
   Nope.
   
   18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
   
   ...
   
   Look, I can remember only one thing that counts as dying in my opinion anyway, and I really don't want to talk about it.
   
   Oh right! I guess my first mission counts as I was just getting started and Sues are very dangerous beings.
   
   19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
   
   20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
   
   21. Do you snore?
   
   I don't know.
   
   22. Are you drooling right now?
   
   No.
   
   23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
   
   Leo, of course.
   
   24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
   
   Why do you need to know?
   
   [redacted]
   
   27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
   
   Well, I tend to voice my thoughts out loud and monologue to myself, making up character dialogue and ideas for stories and the ways scenes should go.
   
   28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
   
   For the last time, STOP! ASKING THESE! PRIVATE! QUESTIONS!
   
   29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
   
   There were a lot of very personal questions in this interview. You should substitute those for other ones.
   
   30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
   
   I am very, very gleeful, thank you very much. (Someone please get me away from this crazy interviewer before he does something to me)

1. Snowblaze, human, World One.
   2. Floaters, Norwen Feanoriel. Why, why, why?
   3. I'm a teenager. Assuming I haven't been aged up by plothole.
   4. Tall but light. Can never remember exactly.
   5. Unknown so far.
   6. *shrugs* Definitely fairly high, but I don't know exactly.
   7. Something B?
   8. Zero.
   9. No.
   10. Yes.
   11. No.
   12. I don't curse.
   13. Last really awful mission, I think.
   14. No.
   15. I really don't like snakes.
   16. No.
   17. No.
   18. I've never really come that close. Yet. Except That Incident when Norwen went flamethrower-crazy.
   19. No.
   20. No.
   21. Very occasionally.
   22. No.
   23. I don't know... I'd like to say Norwen but she'd be the cause of the explosion and there's no-one else I know that well.
   24. ...About an hour ago, not that that's at all relevant.
   25. No.
   26. See previous question.
   27. I don't have little voices in my head.
   28. I'm home-educated, so know.
   29. No.
   30. I am gleeful.
   
   
   ...I'm really not the most exciting person, am I?
   

1. Norwen Feanoriel, Noldorin elf, Middle-earth.
   2. Floaters, Agent Snowblaze.
   3. I don't really know. I'd guess about seven hundred?
   4. Unknown. I have better things to do than monitor my weight.
   5. No comment.
   6. What even is an IQ? *Interviewer explains* Oh, right. If my dad's anything to go by, very high.
   7. Not telling. And definitely no peeking.
   8. *counts on fingers* About four, not counting the flamethrower.
   9. Well, someone did get angry about That One Incident shortly after I arrived in the PPC, but that's no big deal. I only burnt two or three RCs.
   10. My backstory isn't clear enough to know, but considering where I spent four hundred years I hope so.
   11. No comment.
   12. Something in Quenya which is so rude I won't say it in any language.
   13. No comment. Haven't since I joined the PPC and beyond that see question 10.
   14. We elves are not familiar with the concept of mental illnesses.
   15. Evil!Sues. And getting a mission into Silmarillion
   16. Fairly. I mostly used to share clothes with my brothers.
   17. Do Silmarils count?
   18. I haven't died. I've been close to dying a lot of times, but one that comes to mind is being shot in the stomach by PPC agents.
   19. ...maybe?
   20. No.
   21. No.
   22. No.
   23. I suppose I should say Agent Snowblaze as she's my partner, but to be perfectly honest I'd probably be the cause of the explosion.
   24. Is that really relevant?
   25. See question ten.
   26. See question ten.
   27. Sometimes. I mostly ignore them as they never say anything which is actually useful.
   28. Elves do not have schools. But no-one would dare make fun of me.
   29. I might have to use some of those hidden weapons if you invade my privacy any more.
   30. I am not unhappy about it.

Apparently we skipped another year or two while we were on that last mission. But we are still in time, are we?

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
Androia Avatar, night elf, World of Warcraft.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
DMS, with Agent Hieronymus.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
Huh, this is difficult. As far as I could determine, I must have been created in 2008, which would make me ten years old going on eleven. But most of the first seven years I spent dreaming the Emerald Dream, so I had only about three weeks of life experience when I joined the PPC, and with the weird time flow here, I got only some more weeks since then. But if I compare myself to other people, I look quite grown up. If there is an assumed age for newly created night elves, it may be best to go with that.

4. Height and weight?
Half an inch taller than Hieronymus, and I never knew my weight, and never cared.

5. Sexual orientation?
Apparently my creator did not bother to give me much of an agenda, so I am still trying to figure this out.

6. IQ?
What is an eye cue?

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
This is none of your business – I guess?

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
Just one knife. I would like to have my staff, but obviously it stayed back in the inn when I fell through that plot hole while sleeping.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
No.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
Hey, I am ten years old! Or even less! Or maybe not?

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
Same-sex? Oh well, I met Luxury – but no.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
Sectumsempra?

13. When was the last time you threw up?
I do not remember throwing up ever.

14. Have any mental illnesses?
Probably not.

15. What is your biggest phobia?
Being enslaved again.

16. Do you crossdress often?
If girls wearing leather trousers counts, I did this whenever I expected a hard fight that required the best armour I could get. Unfortunately, I lost all my luggage when I fell through that plot hole, so I am stuck with my gown now.

17. Have any addictions?
No.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
I died several times. Fortunately, this is not permanent in my home continuum.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
No.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
Why would they be?

21. Do you snore?
If I did, I would not be aware of it, and I do not know whom to ask.

22. Are you drooling right now?
Should I? Is this some custom I did not learn about yet?

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
Agent Hieronymus.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
As far as I remember I never used a toilet.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
Yes, no, and yes – it was a human girl.

26. Did you like it?
When Luxury kissed me, I did not really know what this was about and just kissed her back. But now I think this might have been inappropriate.
[[OOC: Luxury started to investigate Androia’s origin only after finding out that her knickers – still sticking to the game mechanics – aren’t removable, and she stopped any and all sexual activities as soon as she realized that Androia might be much younger than she looks like. Also, having to use the toilet for the first time in her life will probably be part of Androia’s development from a game character to a real person. HG]]

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
Do you mean the commanding voice? I yelled at it all the time, but to no avail; I still had to follow orders. Thanks Elune it shut up since I arrived here.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
Have you ever seen any schools in the World of Warcraft?

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
This was a weird experience.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
Has it? I will just leave then.

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
   Oh, hi! I'm Quantum, a vampire from the memoirs of a neurotic zombie continuum!
   2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
   Uuuum... Department of floaters currently, and my partner is agent Kit!
   3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
   A century or so... I think 150 to be exact.
   4. Height and weight?
   I am 5' 6" and I weigh... Lemme just go check...
   5. Sexual orientation?
   Well... I've never really felt attracted to anyone... So ace I guess.
   6. IQ?
   I never got tested... I hope it's not too bad...
   7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
   ...Erm... Why do you want to know?
   8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
   Erm, depends if you count my fangs or not... So, on me personally I have- Oh yeah! I weigh 118 pounds!
   9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
   Not that I can remember... But I'm very forgetful.
   10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
   Yup. Nuff said.
   11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
   Nah.
   12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
   Oh, it's- I'm not saying that!
   13. When was the last time you threw up?
   Erm... Well, there was this one slashfic of the star wars holiday special...
   14. Have any mental illnesses?
   People say I'm a bit ADHD and I guess they're right.
   15. What is your biggest phobia?
   Um... Probably getting staked or something.
   16. Do you crossdress often?
   I think I just wear boyish clothes quite alot.
   17. Have any addictions?
   Nope, unless you count chocolate. Or making bad puns.
   18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
   
   19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
   I don't think so... Actually there was that one time I got a little too overexited about an explosive!
   20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
   Only when I'm messing around with dubious chemicals.
   21. Do you snore?
   Maybe. No one's said anything.
   22. Are you drooling right now?
   No...
   23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
   My plant collection! No, my chemistry set! No, Kit! No, maybe a flower?
   24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
   Erm... Well, I was about to use it but now I'm doing this!
   25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
   What sort of kiss? Like a friendly one or a lovey dovey smooch?
   26. Did you like it?
   WHAT KISS?!
   27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
   Huh? I was just about able to ignore them but now you brought it up...
   28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
   Yup. I was a weird kid. There were weirder but I felt more at home with the other vampires.
   29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
   Can I go now?
   30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
   Nope thanks bye!

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
   
   Rasputin Gibbs, draconian, world one point nine six three.
   
   2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
   
   Implausible Crossovers, Caleb Bradbury.
   
   3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
   
   Twenty four.
   
   4. Height and weight?
   
   Six foot eight, two hundred and eighteen pounds.
   
   5. Sexual orientation?
   
   You can’t say it in a human language.
   
   6. IQ?
   
   One twenty.
   
   7. Boxers or briefs?
   
   I’m a lizard.
   
   8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
   
   I just have my flashgun. It’s a multi-function personal energy sidearm with three power levels and three different modes of operation: less-than-lethal, telekinesis, and Bad News. It is, quite simply, the finest weapon ever invented.
   
   9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
   
   No.
   
   10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
   
   No.
   
   11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
   
   No.
   
   12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
   
   By Yark’s flaming spear!
   
   13. When was the last time you threw up?
   
   Two years ago.
   
   14. Have any mental illnesses?
   
   I’m not going to answer that.
   
   15. What is your biggest phobia?
   
   I’m not going to answer that.
   
   16. Do you crossdress often?
   
   No.
   
   17. Have any addictions?
   
   No.
   
   18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
   
   I’m not going to answer that.
   
   19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
   
   Yes.
   
   20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
   
   No.
   
   21. Do you snore?
   
   No.
   
   22. Are you drooling right now?
   
   No.
   
   23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
   
   Bradbury.
   
   24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
   
   This “morning”.
   
   25. Have you ever kissed another species??
   
   No.
   
   26. Did you like it?
   
   You’re reading off of a cue card, aren’t you?
   
   27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
   
   No.
   
   28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
   
   Only a little. It happened to me because it happens to everyone in draconian public school, including the teachers.
   
   29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
   
   No.
   
   30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
   
   No.

Peregrin:
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

I am Agent Peregrin, formerly Fraa Peregrin of the Fifth Sconics at the millenarian math at Savant Rambraf's in a universe near Anathem. Oh, and my species is Arban, but human is close enough.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

I am in Mary Sues, and my partner is Taq. Nice fellow, overall

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

Oh, 247. Or maybe forty-eight. Or forty-six. I cannot quite remember, and time in Headquarters is an absolute mess.

4. Height and weight?

I would have to go check medical records. And find out how to check medical records. "Short and on the thin side" is probably a reasonable description though.

5. Sexual orientation?

Heterosexual, unless something changed since the last time I was actively interested in that sort of thing.

6. IQ?

No idea, and the idea of a single intelligence score seems limited. I am pretty good at theoretical physics though.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

[several paragraphs about various clothing styles among the avout and Peregrin's preferences omitted]

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

That really depends on what you consider weapons. If we are only counting primarily intended to be used as weapons, then none, but if things I could reasonably use as a weapon count then about two&emdash;a remote activator and a book.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

No.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Also no. Those were some very enjoyable evenings.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

I do not remember, so very likely not.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Bull[crap].

13. When was the last time you threw up?

A few days ago? Not sure where or why though.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

General absentmindendess and politics resistance, if those count

15. What is your biggest phobia?

I will have to think about that one.

16. Do you crossdress often?

That term does not apply in my case.

17. Have any addictions?

Coffee, and possibly Bleeprin.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

Closest would be after I fell into Headquarters, I think. I was not adapted to the oxygen.

Though being in close proximity to radioactive waste on a regular basis might be a close second.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

I did get escorted down there for some explanations and an evaluation a few days after I arrived, if that counts. I also got led out of FicPsych a few times because I had wandered in there.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

I do not believe so.

21. Do you snore?

If I do, no one has complained about it.

22. Are you drooling right now?

Why would I be doing that?

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Hm. Good question. Serendipity, maybe. Or possibly Taq. In reality, it would be a snap decision at the time.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Is this a magazine interview or a medical examination? Either way, not too long ago is probably a reasonable answer.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

Yes, as implied by previous answers, no, and no, respectively.

26. Did you like it?

Oh, definitely.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

Talking to whichever part of my brain inspiration and intuition comes from did not seem useful.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

People have been laughing about my trouble with physical work like cooking for centuries, if that counts.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

The interview was somewhat redundant. You could stand to work on htat.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

I hope this was helpful for your work. I do not think I have time to answer more questions at the moment, though.

Taq:
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Hey, I'm Taq. I'm an orc from Lord of the Rings. You?

Interviewer: I'm the interviewer, from somewhere.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

I kill Sues with Peregrin.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

25, if I got my birthday right when I joined.

4. Height and weight?

Five foot three and about 150 pounds,

5. Sexual orientation?

Something's up with the language changing thingy. Were you tryin' to ask me out?

Interviewer: No, not at all. Let's try to move on

6. IQ?

Dunno.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

Kinda personal question, that.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

I've got a really nice sword now.
[pulls out sword]
And a knife on my belt.

Everything else's back in the RC.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Nope.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Nah.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

There were some guys in the big army that were kinda good-lookin'. Didn't really think about [bang]ing them though. Definitely didn't want to date them. Not my type.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

[a rather choice bit of the Black Speech that doesn't quite translate]

13. When was the last time you threw up?

First mission. The time jumping got to me. It sucked.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

I ain't crazy.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

Thing that scares me the most ... wizards and people like that.

16. Do you crossdress often?

Not really, no.

17. Have any addictions?

Nah.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

I've been in a bunch of pretty close fights, hard to pick just one. They're all good stories.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

Nope. Had to take someone down there once though.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

No, unless I've missed them.

21. Do you snore?

Nope

22. Are you drooling right now?

Why'd I be drooling?

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Peregrin. He knows what he's doing and he's my boss.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Eh, what? I think you read that one wrong.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

Yeah, no, and no.

26. Did you like it?

It was nice, but we didn't really work out.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

Like I said, I ain't crazy. Not sure why you insisted on that.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

I didn't have school back home, and over here they were pretty nice and helpful.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Nah, I'm good.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Thumbtacks, no. But if you want to hear some good stories, we can head out to Rudi's later.

Farah and Kkukttak:
1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Farah: Hi there! I'm Farah Tahar, a hani, from the Chanur verse.
Kkukttak: I'm Kkukttak, a kif, also from the same verse.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

Farah: We're in crossovers.
Kkukttak: [nods]

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

Farah: Almost twenty
Kkukttak: Twenty-seven

4. Height and weight?

Kkukttak: Five ten and about around 150 pounds
Farah: Five six and around 160. Huh.

(( Answers tentative and subject to change ))

5. Sexual orientation?

Farah: Pretty straight? Though some of the fanfic I wrote wasn't. I was more of a books person than a dating person, though.
Kkukttak: Why should I answer that, exactly?
Interviewer: I'm just curious.
Kkukttak: Then I'm not saying anything.

6. IQ?

Farah: Not too shabby, I guess? Like, people were wiling to let me run the commn on a merchant ship, so.
Kkukttak: Again, I won't be answering that.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

Farah: Uh, that doesn't, like, really apply to hani?
Kkukttak: Still not answering that.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

Kkukttak: [showing a few more teeth] I have enough to deal with reporters if they ask too many nosy questions.
Farah: [checks the holster on her belt] Just this pistol. Hope you don't mind.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Farah: Nope
Kkukttak: Piracy, but I don't think the changes will stick if anyone does come after me. They usually don't.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Farah: Uh, well, yeah. And it'll probably stay that way. [sighs]
Kkukttak: [puts hand on pistol] Am I being unclear about not wanting to answer these questions?
Farah: Hey, you shouldn't be threatening to shoot the interviewer. The Flowers wouldn't like it.
Interviewer: [looks around nervously]
Kkukttak: [removes hand from gun] Right. Sorry.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

Farah: [quietly] Do my old badfics count?
Kkukttak: [takes a few deep breaths to try to calm down]

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Farah: Gods rot. Really useful, even though I don't, like, use them much.
Kkukttak: [swearword; translator database incomplete]

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Farah: Not sure if it was a couple of missions ago or that or when I went to Rudi's a bit after that.
Kkukttak: Kif don't really do that.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

Farah: Uh, that's kinda personal.
Kkukttak: By our standards, I'm fine. By human standards, I'm paranoid, self-insterested, and antisocial or something like that.
Farah: [muttering] Yeah, sounds about right.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

Farah: I really don't want to go into that.
Kkukttak: Being actively on the wrong side of a coup attempt.
Farah: Ouch

16. Do you crossdress often?

Farah: Disguises count, yeah? If not, then no, I don't do that.
Kkukttak: No

17. Have any addictions?

Kkukttak: No, I don't.
Farah: No, definitely not. Sure I drink but I don't, like, have a problem or anything.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

Farah: Next question please. I really don't want to go into this.
Kkukttak: When my ship got blown up while—
Farah: Next question, please.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

Farah: I haven't, like, snapped yet, or anything.
Kkukttak: The DIA took me away after I got here, and then they sent me to FicPsych, so yes.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

Farah: I'm still coming in every week, so no?
Kkukttak: They keep wanting me to show up more often. No one's come after me yet, but it's only a matter of time.

21. Do you snore?

Farah: Nah
Kkukttak: I don't either, and I can confirm she doesn't.

22. Are you drooling right now?

Farah: Uh, no!
Kkukttak: ...

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Farah: [stares at Kkukttak] I'm not sure, but it's probably not him.
Farah: Sorry, but, you know, that thing...
Kkukttak: I'd save whoever's most useful. So probably not the even more irrational than usual hani I'm partnered with.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Farah: That is such a weird question. Are you with biohazard control or sometihng? Like, why would you ask that?
Kkukttak: She's got a point.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

Farah: I don't think family counts, no, and ew, no!
Kkukttak: [swearing, complete with the implications that the interviewer's parents were rat-equivalents of below-average intelligence]

26. Did you like it?

Farah: I didn't do the romantic kisses thing, so I'm not sure I liked it.
Kkukttak: We're still not going into this.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

Kkukttak: I'm not answering that. Don't want to give the FicPsych people more to use against me.
Farah: [a while later] ... I try not to listen to their voices much. I don't want to remember.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

Farah: A- a- bit, but not much. People just thought I was a weird space nerd.
Kkukttak: That doesn't apply.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Kkukttak: Next time, send more competent interviewers. You clearly don't know how to drop a subject.
Farah: Yeah, kinda what he said. This was getting close to some really personal stuff.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Kkukttak: [strides out the door] Goodbye.
Farah: I'll, just, y'know, leave, thanks.

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
   
   It's good to be here. Jack Barkley, human, World One.
   
   2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
   
   Department of Mary Sues...for now, anyway. My partner is Harvey Calhoun.
   
   3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
   
   Sixteen, unless my author decides I'm older.
   
   4. Height and weight?
   
   *scowls* Do we really have to talk about this? Okay, fine. My author is terrible with this kind of thing, so I'll just say that I'm short for my age and skinny. And I am definitely not insecure about my height.
   
   5. Sexual orientation?
   
   Bisexual and proud of it.
   
   6. IQ?
   
   Don't know. Probably higher than average.
   
   7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
   
   Would you like to find out?
   
   8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
   
   A switchblade, but I won't tell you where. *grins*
   
   9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
   
   Not that I know of.
   
   10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
   
   *laughs* No way.
   
   11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
   
   All the time.
   
   12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
   
   I've never met a curse word I didn't like.
   
   13. When was the last time you threw up?
   
   The last time I had the stomach flu, whenever that was. I don't get nauseated easily.
   
   14. Have any mental illnesses?
   
   I'm not answering this question. Next!
   
   15. What is your biggest phobia?
   
   That's none of your business.
   
   16. Do you crossdress often?
   
   It's on my list of things to try. Sounds like fun.
   
   17. Have any addictions?
   
   Chocolate and pain.
   
   18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
   
   I almost died. Once. I don't want to talk about it.
   
   19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
   
   No.
   
   20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
   
   I don't think so, but you never know, do you?
   
   21. Do you snore?
   
   Harvey's never complained about it, so I guess not.
   
   22. Are you drooling right now?
   
   You'd drool, too, if you were thinking about chocolate ice cream.
   
   23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
   
   I'd probably be the one blowing up HQ, but just in case I wasn't and I couldn't find a way to stop it from exploding, I'd save Harvey.
   
   24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
   
   Right before this interview started.
   
   25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
   
   Yes, yes, and not yet.
   
   26. Did you like it?
   
   You bet I did!
   
   27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
   
   Sometimes, when I get really lonely.
   
   28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
   
   Some people did, but I never paid them too much attention. I knew they were just jealous of me.
   
   29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
   
   You have beautiful eyes.
   
   30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
   
   Excellent! Now, if you don't mind, I have a carton of chocolate ice cream waiting for me back in the RC. Bye!

...and straight into an interview!

Dawn (D)
Jacques (J)
The Reader (R)

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

J: Bit specific, isn’t it?

D: Well, yeah, but you do get much the same from a CAD reading. Hi! I’m Agent Dawn McKenna—

J: /snickers/ Sorry. There was a moment where I heard that as ‘Agent’ being a part of your name.

D: Fine, okay, I’m Dawn McKenna. Human, from World One. Canada, to be exact!

J: And I’m Jacques Bonnefoy, immortal fifty-first century human from...hm. I never know whether to say ‘Doctor Who’ or ‘Torchwood’.

R: I believe ‘Torchwood’ makes more sense. Er, I’m the Reader, a Time Lady from Doctor Who. I was really only intending to get a drink—

J: /smiling/ I think you’re stuck being interviewed with us now. You can always get that drink after.

R: /sighs/


2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

R: /sighs again/ I’m in the DIC, together with my partner Kozar.

D: DMS! No partner, though if you could somehow make that change, please do.

J: I’m in ESAS. Also no partner, but open to suggestions. /winks/


3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

D: Yeah, alright. Sorry. I’m...wow, twenty-six now. Still not used to that.

R: I am...I believe it’s now one hundred-fifty-five?

J: Oh, so you’re *young*! /grins/ Me, I’m a hundred-seventy...something. I’ve lost track a little.


4. Height and weight?

J: I feel like I’m giving you details for a dating profile, or something. Six feet tall, and I can’t say I’ve bothered stepping on a scale in a while—it doesn’t really change, unless I haven’t died in a while. Might be about 75 kg?

D: I am *not* doing this in kilograms. I don’t even *know* my weight in kilograms. I’m a few inches over five feet, and about...120 lbs? I don’t think much has changed since the last time Medical did a physical.

R: /sighs/ I am taller than Dawn and weigh a little more as well. May we move on? Please?


5. Sexual orientation?

D: Oh Lord.

J: /grins/ So this *is* for a dating profile? I’m interested in just about everyone.

R: /sighs/ It varies by regeneration. My current self has a strong preference for Naya.


6. IQ?

R: High. I *am* a Time Lady.

J: Ooh, speciesism. Kidding! I’m kidding. And no idea, never saw the results. High enough, I should think.

D: When did you get IQ testing?

J: Back at the Time Agency, actually.

D: Wow.

J: How about you? Ever had your brain evaluated?

D: Not that I remember.

R: In that case, let’s move on.


7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

D: /starts going pink/

R: …*why* is this necessary?

J: /laughing/ It’s the return of the dating profile questions! /winks/ I’m going to go with ‘neither’.

D: /groans/ You *would*. And I’m not answering this. The Multiverse Monitor doesn’t need to know my *bra size*.

R: /eye roll/ 34B, I believe.

D: But now I look bad for being the only one refusing to answer!

J: /raises eyebrows/

D: ...bloody hell. A little, um, larger than what the Reader said, can we *please* move on?


8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

R: ...I have a sonic penlight? It’s purple.

D: I think I’ve still got the Muggle-Use wand from my last mission—yup, here it is. Nothing else right now, if you don’t count the neuralyzer. That’s also from the last mission.

J: I’m carrying three, not counting a neuralyzer and remote activator.


9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

D: /looks at the Reader; both shake their heads/

J: /smiles/ Cool thing about not being Jack Harkness is that any crimes he may have—

D: You are not.

J: ...no, I’m not. Even in my memories of being him. Banned from some places, yes; wanted for actual crimes, not that I’m aware of.

D: Good. Moving on, then...


10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

D: I regret everything. No, I’m not.

R: Neither am I, though I hardly think it’s anyone’s business—

J: Me, I’m quite happy to have this be everyone’s business. I haven’t been a virgin in well over a century. /winks/


11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

J: /cheerfully/ Whenever I’m not having them!

R: ...I am a Time Lady. Time Lords as a species typically have very low libidos, and therefore have no need of fantasies.

J: What, never?

D: /grinning/ Well, hardly ever!

R: I know that reference!

D: Ooh, you like Gilbert and Sullivan? They’re the *best*, and there’s so little badfic—


12. /loudly/ Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

J: How to *choose*!

D: /poker-face/ I don’t swear. Ever.

R: I prefer to make up my own, primarily using terms which insult Rassilon.

D: Aw, no help with the Pinafore reference this time?


13. When was the last time you threw up?

R: Er. I might have accidentally eaten a biscuit made for Naya’s metabolism rather than my own a few months ago…

J: You know, I think I’ve forgotten.

D: There was a mission. Time shifts everywhere. I really, really don’t want to talk about it, because then I’ll have to think about it, and it was *so unpleasant*.


14. Have any mental illnesses?

/all three exchange glances/

J: Let’s...leave that between ourselves and our potential therapists, shall we?

R: Yes. Next question!


15. What is your biggest phobia?

D: /groans/ Really? Seriously, why is this relevant?

R: Time Lords have no phobias.

J: That is a blatant lie, and I love it. Next question!

D: /whispers/ He has a phobia of revealing his phobias.


16. Do you crossdress often?

J: /grinning/ Define ‘often’.

R: No. Er, to the question. Also, you crossdressed to play Calpurnia.

J: That I did! I really should do it more often. And wear togas. Togas are fun.

D: I’m going to assume wearing pants doesn’t count, but I do use male Elf or Uruk or whatever disguise on missions sometimes—though I’m not so sure *that* counts, either? What do you think?

J: /shrugs/ It could count. Anyway—next question?


17. Have any addictions?

/a collective no/


18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

J: /leans back in his chair and starts to laugh/

R: I’m on my fourth regeneration, and have had a number of narrow escapes as well.

D: I, uh, no, I’m...I’ve never died. I think my closest call was nearly being too slow to portal away from an explosion one time?


19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

/another collective shaking of heads/


20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

J: No—too professional, mostly. Or maybe they’ve just decided to let Jenni represent them…

D: /to the Reader/ They’re not after me that I know of—are they after you? No? Great, let’s keep moving. I’m getting hungry.


21. Do you snore?

J: Nope!

D: I bet you do. I bet when you’re really deeply sleeping, that’s when you start snoring.

J: ...how much are you willing to bet?

D: Two bars of Swiss bleepolate and a pizza?

J: Make it two pizzas, and we have a deal.

D: Done. Ooh, we could make it a proper sleepover!

J: /laughing/ Sure, why not? We can braid your hair and eat marshmallows.

R: ...I don’t believe I snore. If anyone’s interested.


22. Are you drooling right now?

D: /wrinkles nose/ I know he just mentioned marshmallows, but I don’t like them *that* much.

J: Same.

R: ...I’ve never had a marshmallow.

D: Really? That’s a shame. They’re pretty great toasted!


23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

R: /a little pale/ Naya. In my TARDIS. Terabyte lives in her suit, and...Emiranlanoamar has proven himself capable of surviving everything else thus far. I have faith he could survive another explosion, were one to occur—and if not, *I have a TARDIS*. We could go back. We *would* go back.

D: /has also paled; pats the Reader’s arm/ Good answer. Let’s—Jacques, you’ve got the vortex manipulator; you could make several jumps, couldn’t you?

J: In theory, yeah. I’d go evacuate as much of the Nursery as I could first, then...well. You know who my friends are.

D: Yeah. /quiet pause/ If you’ve got the Nursery, then I’d save T’Zar. She’s—family, by now.

J: /nods/ You get T’Zar; I’ll get as many kids and agents as I can.

D: Hypothetically.

J: Of course. Hypothetically.


24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

/the serious mood is broken by snickers/

R: /deadpan/ Time Lords do not need toilets.

/more laughter/


25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

J: Yes, yes, and yes!

R: Yes, no, and yes. But then, most people here aren’t Gallifreyan, much less Time Lords...

D: ...no, yes, and no. Next question!


26. Did you like it?

J: /grins/

R: /shrugs/ Well, I *have* continued to do it…

D: What she said, but past tense!


27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

/all three exchange looks/

D: Why don’t we just...keep going?

J: Yeah, I think hypothetical voices can also be kept between ourselves and our potential therapists.

R: /nods/


28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

D: /shrugs/ Not really? I mean, a little, but not all the time. It was mainly because I was new and a little bit different in how I dressed and stuff. I don’t think it lasted too long—not years, anyway.

R: I… /sighs/ I wasn’t the most popular, perhaps, but I took very little notice of the sort of people who disliked me, so…

J: Very, very rarely. I was pretty good at shutting down things like that, and I was popular enough to begin with, so… /shrugs/ I certainly don’t remember it getting me down, so it couldn’t have been all that frequent.


29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

R: Please just finish up. I would like to have my drink today, please.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

R: /gets up/ I’ll be getting that drink, now. See you around.

D: /waves to her/ See you! Well, that was...oh, look, it’s our food! Finally!

J: /leans toward the interviewer/ I’m not interested in the survey or the thumbtacks, but I’d be perfectly happy to spend some more time with you later… /winks/

---
More to come! But only in ones or twos, I think. I can't see doing another group of three, especially conceived of as a live interview. Believe it or not, I actually cut this one down a bit.

~Z

(Amber Callahan, Miriam Almstedt, Connor Callahan, Erika Callahan, Morgana Beck, Gretchen Hollehammer, and Taylor Salcedo. Note: To save time, only those who have something interesting to say in response are written down.)

1. C: Thank you for having us.
E: I didn't expect you to do this for random trainees like us. Anyway. [The whole crew is introduced.]
T: I think we're all from World One around here, right?
A: Not quite. Miriam and I and my siblings are from an alternate of World One where supernatural powers exist.
Mo: You too, huh? That's cray-cray.
G: *cringes*
T: Okay then. So, species. We're also all human, right?
A: Basically.
E: Sort of... *she sighs* I don't even know anymore.
Mi: I'm also a fox from time to time. :D
T: Okay then. Cool. Right, next question.

2. C: DAS ist best department, ja.
A: Do-GA! Do-GA! Do-GA!
Mi: *hides her face, laughing* *points at Amber* And that's why she's my partner, even though we knew each other before.
E: Department of Angst. My partner's your sister.
T: *laughs* I'm sorry for anything she's done already or will do. But I'm in Floaters. My partner's not here. Probably off practicing crystal healing or some crap like that. *shakes head*
Mo: *grabs G's hand and raises it* Also Floaters with this one.
T: Alright, that's everyone.

3. E: I'm 21, but you won't see me at the bar any time soon. At least, you won't see me socializing at the bar.

5. E: *looks off in the distance again*

7. G: *face is red* WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS?!

8. C: Probably fewer than I should have, given the implications of working here.

9. Mo: *smiles* You'll never know.
A: I actually was in juvenile detention once for accidentally destroying someone's property with my earth powers. This was back when I was still figuring them out. I was super embarrassed. Hey Miri, have you ever done that with your gravity powers?
Mi: No, actually.

10. Mo: No.
T: Hey, me neither.
E: *mildly glares at them*

11. T: Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to have a boyfriend. *shrugs* I dunno.
Mo: I am bisexual, so.
E: *looks uncomfortable*

12. A: "Bloody hell." I'm the most Irish out of my siblings. :P

13. G: When I got here. I was so mentally overwhelmed that I just got sick to my stomach.
Mi: Aww, that sucks. *pat pat*

14. [They probably would have something good to say in response, but I'm still trying to figure that out.]

15. Mi: Blood. Oh God. I HATE blood.
Mo: I'm wearing blood right now.
Mi: *rapidly stands up out of her chair*
Mo: Sue blood. I use it as body glitter. See? *points at face*
C: That's kinda twisted.

16. T: I do! :D
G: Oh. Oh dear.
T: Mainly for disguise purposes, but just as often for fun. I once was in a drag show.
Mo: Freaks your partner out, I hear?
T: Yes. :)

18. A, C, and Mi: *all look at Erika*
E: Ah, yes. I am partly a ghost. I didn't die per se, but I was turned into a ghost.
C: I'm proud we managed to get her back to being at least mostly human.
Mi: But she still sometimes phases through walls when she freaks out.
E: *glares at Miriam, as if it's a bad thing that someone knows she ever freaks out at all*

19. G: The time I threw up.
M: The time the other agents made Amber kill a Sue and I was about to faint at the sight of its blood.

20. E: You want honesty? Probably. Even though I'm completely fine. *glares at Multiverse Monitor person*

21. E: Carol does.
T: You say that as if I'm not already aware.

22. Mi: If you put a hot guy in front of me, well...

23. A and Mi: *grab each other*
C: Ouch :P
A: I figured that you and Erika would also survive already. You're pretty capable.
E: Thanks for the confidence...

24. A: What kind of ten-year-old boy wrote this question?
*All laugh*

25. E: *looks off in the distance yet again*
Mi: I almost got humped by another fox and had to change back into human form again. The fox was so surprised, ahaha!
T: You seem pretty un-traumatized for having almost been sexually assaulted.
Mi: One, I got out of it, and two, I figured that well, it's an animal, it has no concept of consent.
T: Fair enough.

26. Mo: Hell yeah I liked kissing a girl.
E: *laughs nervously*

27. T: Yes.

To be continued...
-Twistey

I wish to begin by making it plain that I do not particularly want to be here. The only REAL Multiverse Monitor is the original - rather, the second original - of which yours is but a pale copy. And yet - and yet - it is clear that some form of reconciliation is indicated, if the true spirit of the Monitor is to triumph over that abominable 'magazine' incarnation.

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Did you heed a single word I spoke? Elbereth... so be it. I am Estelnar Celebduin, elf of the Sindar, from Imladris in the west of Middle-earth.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

Formally speaking, I serve in the Department of Mary Sues. In practice, however, my partner and I work mostly for the REAL Multiverse Monitor. She is Starwind Rohana, and you should thank the Valar that she is not here in my place.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

I was born in the riven dell in the calm after Eregion's fall, and came to the PPC on the eve of the Changing of the World. I have some fifteen hundred years of the sun.

4. Height and weight?

I stand taller than most mortal women, but shorter than the Noldor who make up the most prominent Eldarin contingent in the PPC. Starwind oft tells me I am 'shockingly light'.

5. Sexual orientation?

I-- what have you heard? Not that there is aught to hear, mark you. The works of Tolkien were very clear that all Elves are as 'straight' as a taut line. There is nothing more to it; I will not have you starting rumours about me. That is our role.

6. IQ?

I have wisdom enough to hack your computers if I feel the need.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

Bras...! Bras are the greatest blessing ever wrought by the mortal world. I have mine custom-tailored by a former Department of Culture agent; she is most excellent.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

The only weapon I carry is my pen.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

The operation of a free and independent press is no crime, and any who tell you otherwise should be shunned.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

I find that question-- ahem. As Tolkien makes clear, an elf who has sexual relations would consider herself married, and yet I am known to have no husband.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

What have you heard?!

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Right now? 'Journalist'.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Some weeks ago Starwind took- I mean to say, Starwind and I went to the new bar that opened in New Caledonia. I had rather more to drink than was good for me. Rather a lot more.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

That is not- I do not consider myself to be mentally ill, no.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

...

I respectfully refuse to respond to this question.

16. Do you crossdress often?

And this question I'm afraid I do not understand. What manner of dress are you referring to?

17. Have any addictions?

I am not-- There is nothing I do which I could not stop at need. Therefore, I clearly have no addictions.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

There was an... incident some years ago. A certain agent took offence at her friend's portrayal in the Monitor. I had to talk very rapidly to prevent Starwind from making the situation worse.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

No, they have not. My partner, but not me, and that only once.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

I doubt it very much; they have a healthy fear of the manner of questions Starwind would ask of them if they came near us again.

21. Do you snore?

I do not know, as I have never slept beside anyone who could tell me.

22. Are you drooling right now?

No...? Why would I be drooling?

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Starwind.

Because she is my partner, by which I mean my colleague, and for no other reason.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Oh dear; are you one of those who believes elves have no need of toilets? I am afraid that is far from true.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species?

I... that is...

Ah. I have proffered numerous friendly kisses to friends who I was friends with, both here and back home. They cover both sexes, and include at least o- some mortals. So yes, to all three.

26. Did you like it?

It is a fine thing to have a friend, yes.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

The 'little voices' are far more Starwind's field than mine. Betimes I find myself talking to hers, however.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

I was taught by my parents, and by other residents of Imladris; there was no 'school' as such.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Only that this interview has confirmed my suspicions: that yours is a paper so consumed by sensationalism that it will print any rumours and falsehoods that come its way, without regard for how they might affect the subjects thereof.

As Starwind would say, "That's our job!"

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey on thumbtacks?

I could not be more delighted. You will receive your own questions to answer shortly.

---

[Whistles innocently]

hS

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
   
   I’m Chelsea, and I’m an Inkling from the Splatoon series!
   
   2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
   
   I’m in the Department of Mary Sues and Lemon’s my partner.
   
   3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
   
   Fifteen years old.
   
   4. Height and weight?
   
   I haven’t really been checking my height but I’m definitely taller than Lemon by about— oh. [Chelsea stands up.] Let’s say Lemon would come up to about here. [She points below her neck, then sits back down.] As for weight? I don’t know and I don’t really care all that much.
   
   5. Sexual orientation?
   
   Probably straight.
   
   6. IQ?
   
   Eh… Never really cared for IQ tests.
   
   7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
   
   Um… an A cup, I think.
   
   8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
   
   Well, I got my newest edition of the Splattershot, my Burst Bombs, and my Splashdown special. And I also got my Splatterscope with all its other stuff too.
   
   9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
   
   Um, nope!
   
   10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
   
   Yes…?
   
   11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
   
   Maybe?
   
   12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
   
   Oh I dunno, I can’t decide. Though, I like saying “onffubyr” sometimes.
   
   13. When was the last time you threw up?
   
   I think it was when I rode on a roller coaster and threw up the chocolate sundae I ate when I got off.
   
   14. Have any mental illnesses?
   
   No?
   
   15. What is your biggest phobia?
   
   My biggest phobia? Um, I guess it’d be having to stay in a room forever? Though maybe it’s not really a phobia, it’s all I could think of.
   
   16. Do you crossdress often?
   
   Nah, it’s not really my thing.
   
   17. Have any addictions?
   
   Well, I really love chips, especially salt and vinegar chips.
   
   18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
   
   I’ve done Turf Wars, Ranked Battles, and Salmon Run shifts, so I’ve died at least once. That’s why I’m glad there’s respawn tech at home! At my home continuum, I mean.
   
   19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
   
   Nope. Hope they never do. I don’t think I could handle having to stay in something like a hospital for a long time.
   
   20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
   
   I don’t think so and I’m glad they aren’t.
   
   21. Do you snore?
   
   My friend back at home said I snored. I guess I still do?
   
   22. Are you drooling right now?
   
   Huh? What? [Chelsea wipes the corners of her mouth with her thumb.] Doesn’t look like it!
   
   23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
   
   I’d save Lemon. I don’t really know anyone else that well, honestly.
   
   24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
   
   Before I left my RC for this interview!
   
   25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
   
   Uhhhh… nope!
   
   26. Did you like it?
   
   That I didn’t kiss anyone? Eh… kind of.
   
   27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
   
   Voices? What?
   
   28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
   
   Honestly? I haven’t really been made fun of at school. If you were asking about anywhere else, sometimes I had a teammate at Turf Wars make fun of me for really dumb mistakes, like the time I tried to jump over a gap and fell in the water instead.
   
   29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
   
   It’s been fun! Interesting questions too.
   
   30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
   
   No thanks. See ya!
   
   [Chelsea powerwalks out the room.]
   
   ________
   
   ((I'll do Lemon's interview answers later.))
   

Count me the frick in! I'll be posting my planned agents' responses later today once I've double checked the SPaG. Been a while since I've actually written anything, need to shake off the rust.

"...that I do this, seeing as I got my partner to."

1.) Hi, I'm Sammy McLeod, human, *Gundam Build Fighters*.
2.) Floaters for now until I get more experience under my belt. Partner is Leonidas, a Space Marine Captain from Warhammer 40K.
3.) Well, time is a funny thing here, but I was around 14 when I ended up here. Been maybe a year or two since then?
4.) 5'7", around 125 pounds?
5.) I'm a bit young for that, don't you think? I...*think* I'm straight? I mean, I have no reason to think otherwise so far...
6.) No clue. I'm not the smartest, not the strongest either, but I do okay on pure luck most of the time.
7.) Boxers, always.
8.) None, as a matter of fact.
9.) Other than pirating old *Gundam* episodes, if that counts, that's a no.
10.) Again, don't you think I'm kinda young for that?
11.) Same answer, for *any* relations.
12.) Dunno. I don't play favorites.
13.) One time, when I came down with a stomach bug a couple years ago back home.
14.) Not that I'm aware of!
15.) Honestly? Not measuring up when things get tough. I'm surrounded by powerful personalities and individuals and I don't have much beyond a passion for building things.
16.) Nope. I love my bomber jacket too much.
18.) My home continuum was pretty peaceful. I lived a relatively normal life. I think that I'll probably come a lot closer to dying once I start doing field work here.
19.) Nah.
20.) Nah, again.
21.) Is this a trick question? How would I know if I'm asleep when it happens? Not like Leonidas has told me either way.
22.) No...?
23.) Leonidas would probably take care of himself. I'd just find someone who wouldn't make it out otherwise and grab 'em, I guess.
24.) This morning.
25.) [Suddenly quiet] ...no.
26.) I dunno. Kinda not really applicable if i haven't done it yet.
27.) Oh, yeah, all the time. Leo's not exactly one for idle conversation, so I kinda have to make my own, yeah?
28.) HOMESCHOOLED, SUCKERS! ...sorry, that was kinda loud.
29.) This was interesting! Let me know if you have any more questions...
30.) Okay, that's too many more questions.

1. Katarina Eagle, ymbryne, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children.
   2. Mary Sues, my brother.
   3. Twenty.
   4. I can never remember exactly. About average human size on both.
   5. No comment.
   6. I don't know, I don't really have time to take IQ tests.
   7. Um... C-something?
   8. None, I'm not an axe murderer.
   9. No.
   10. Oh, come on, was there ever an ymbryne who wasn't? *cough*phoenixmarysue*cough*
   11. No comment.
   12. I don't curse. Unless "by the birds" counts.
   13. See Edward's answer. Except I wasn't the one who missed the time-skip.
   14. No.
   15. I have a thing about snakes...
   16.I wear whatever I can find most of the time. Occasionally that's my brother's clothes.
   17. Strawberry Starbursts?
   18. The PPC very nearly killed me. I got lucky.
   19. No.
   20. No.
   21. No. Edward does, though. He also lies.
   22. ...no?
   23. I would create a time loop inside my RC and retreat in there with Edward.
   24. ???
   25. To be honest, no.
   26. See previous answer.
   27. What little voices?
   28. If Miss Avocet's ymbryne academy counts as a school, then yes. And the reason is so that a Sue could heroically save me from the bullies.
   29. No, no comment.
   30. I have better things to do with my life. Like categorise dryer lint.
   

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?
   
   Elena: Name’s Elena, a human from the world of Pokémon.
   
   Valka: My name is Valka. I’m a Raven Laguz, and I came here from Tellius, from the Fire Emblem Series.
   
   2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
   
   Elena: Bad Slash, partnered with raven girl by the name of Valka.
   
   Valka: I work in the Department of Bad Slash, partnered with Elena.
   
   3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
   
   Elena: I think I’m still 20. Admittedly, time doesn’t make any more sense here than it did in the Glitch.
   
   Valka: I would prefer not to answer. I don’t want to give your readers the wrong impression of me.
   
   4. Height and weight?
   
   Elena: 177 cm and 65 kg.
   
   Valka: I think I’m 5’4” and 120 pounds? I’m not sure of the exact conversions.
   
   5. Sexual orientation?
   
   Elena: Straight, something my partner is a little unhappy about.
   
   Valka: I’m only interested in women.
   
   6. IQ?
   
   Elena: You’re a jerk for asking that.
   
   Valka: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re asking.
   
   7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
   
   Elena: 80C. Now, are we done with the personal questions?
   
   Valka: I never learned that. Clothing was always made to fit the wearer in my home world.
   
   8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
   
   Elena: Do Pokémon count as weapons?
   
   Valka: We Laguz don’t use weapons. We take our animal forms to fight.
   
   9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
   
   Elena: This is relevant how?
   
   Valka: I most certainly am not!
   
   10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
   
   Elena: I got stuck in the Glitch at age 12. What do you think?
   
   Valka: I am not. Although I have learned that some would say I am, given who I was with.
   
   11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
   
   Elena: No, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been a certain someone else’s.
   
   Valka: I do. I would love to be with another woman.
   
   12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
   
   Elena: If you haven’t noticed, cursing isn’t my style.
   
   Valka: [Translator malfunction]
   
   13. When was the last time you threw up?
   
   Elena: Training.
   
   Valka: I was in a badfic in training.
   
   14. Have any mental illnesses?
   
   Elena: Strangely no.
   
   Valka: I do not.
   
   15. What is your biggest phobia?
   
   Elena: I don’t have one.
   
   Valka: I’m always worried around assassins. I’ve seen what they do to other shapeshifters.
   
   16. Do you crossdress often?
   
   Elena: Only if you count wearing pants as crossdressing.
   
   Valka: I would never.
   
   17. Have any addictions?
   
   Elena: How would I get addicted to anything in a glitched out wasteland?
   
   Valka: I would never try anything that could be addictive.
   
   18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
   
   Elena: I can’t exactly say I was safe in the Glitch.
   
   Valka: My first attempt at a ship raid left me with several serious injuries. I made it back though.
   
   19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
   
   Elena: Not the FicPsych nurses.
   
   Valka: No, and I hope they never do.
   
   20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
   
   Elena: Medical handled it.
   
   Valka: I hope they aren’t.
   
   21. Do you snore?
   
   Elena: No.
   
   Valka: I don’t believe so.
   
   22. Are you drooling right now?
   
   Elena: Seriously, just look.
   
   Valka: Can’t you tell?
   
   23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
   
   Elena: Right now, the only one I’m close to is Valka.
   
   Valka: I would most definitely save my partner.
   
   24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
   
   Elena: [Silent glare]
   
   Valka: Why are you asking?
   
   25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
   
   Elena: Remember how I was 12 when I entered a glitched out wasteland that didn’t have any unglitched people?
   
   Valka: I have kissed a woman.
   
   26. Did you like it?
   
   Elena: Are you actually listening to my responses?
   
   Valka: Yes. Our relationship didn’t work out though.
   
   27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
   
   Elena: I can understand glitch sounds, but they aren’t very enlightening.
   
   Valka: I don’t hear any voices. Should I?
   
   28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
   
   Elena: Trainer’s leave meant that never happened.
   
   Valka: My home continuum doesn’t have schools.
   
   29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
   
   Elena: You’re just reading a script, aren’t you?
   
   Valka: I think I should go.
   
   30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
   
   Elena: You’re reading a script.
   
   Valka: [Already left]
   

NOTE: All #a responses are from Falchion, and all #b ones are from Lilac.

1a. Falchion, Skarmory, Pokémon (the Black and White generation specifically).
1b. Lilac Mauveridge, human I guess, and I actually started existence as a duplicate of Violet Parr from The Incredibles; my current appearance is from a RWBY-verse AU.

2a. Floaters, current partner is Lilac Mauveridge.
2b. Floaters as well, and unfortunately, I'm with the stupid tin turkey, as his old partner used to call him.

3a. My author is currently like, 25 or so. I'm his self-insert so I'm about the same age.
3b. As of now, 19 going on 20 (I joined in Feburary of 2017).

4a. As a human, 5'7", 155 pounds. As a Skarmory, also 5'7", but 111 pounds.
4b. 5'5", 130 pounds. No, I'm not sensitive about my weight.

5a. Bisexual.
5b. Nobody's asked me that, but since canon!Violet's dating a guy in canon, I'll go with being straight.

6a. What's an IQ?
6b. They didn't test for IQ in Beacon, at least last I checked...

7a. Boxers. They're comfy and easy to wear!
7b. Ask me anything about the size of my intimate anatomy and you'll get a faceful of Gorgoneion for an answer.

8a. My Hunter's Power Bow I, from Monster Hunter Freedom Unite. It's what I use to pull off TM80, Rock Slide!
8b. Not on my at the moment, but my Multi-Purpose Kinetic Shield-Maul, Gorgoneion, has always been my go-to weapon for bashing in the faces of Grimm, and Suvians for that matter.

9a. Um, nope?
9b. Existing, I guess. Or I would've been if Sarah hadn't stepped in.

10a. Yes, alas. Haven't been able to find anyone in the Flying egg group since I joined.
10b. Also yes.

11a. Oh, I have, plenty of times! I mean, it does get a little lonely at times here in Headquarters...
11b. No. Again, I'm straight as an arrow.

12a. Outside of World One obscenities, probably anything invoking Arceus. I do also use "flock" in place of, well, a certain word that rhymes with "duck".
12b. For me it's taking the Maidens' name in vain, with doing the same with Remnant as a whole being a close second. Though again, I've started becoming quite fond of World One swearing...

13a. I've got a surprisingly strong stomach, so I honestly don't know. I guess the only time I'll ever regurgitate is when feeding my young, if I ever do raise a family!
13b. I'll... pretend I didn't hear the bit about feeding young. But for me it was probably during the loss of my legs, for multiple obvious reasons.

14a. I might have ADHD, and I may be on the autistic spectrum, but I haven't gotten officially diagnosed, so I can't be sure.
14b. PTSD, I think, from both the horrors I witnessed during the fall of Beacon and the aforementioned incident that left me double-amputated. Especially the latter.

15a. Fire. That, and public humiliation.
15b. Odd as it may be for my being basically a darkfic version of Violet, I get horrifying flashbacks at the sight of blood. Glitter doesn't trigger nearly as adverse a reaction, but it's still there. Why, though? Well, see my answers to the last two questions.

16a. Uh, no?
16b. Nobody's asked me to.

17a. Does diet soda count?
17b. I've gotten hopelessly drawn to Dr. Bleepper. In my defense, it helps me forget what happened to me prior to my ending up in HQ...

18a. I'm not entirely sure, since killing badfic has always been a dangerous profession and I can speak from experience. But if I had to pick any occasion, there was probably this one time with a Spinosaurus...
18b. Again, when I lost my legs to an unidentified predatory entity. If it hadn't tossed me through a plot hole by accident, I would've been eaten, or otherwise died from loss of glitter.

19a. Don't think so, at least last I checked.
19b. Same.

20a. Also, no.
20b. Also same.

21a. Um, wha?
21b. I'm not gonna answer that on pain of someone getting shield-bashed.

20a. No, why?
20b. Seriously?!

23a. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

24a. Probably after my last mission. Who hasn't?
24b. Gorgoneion hungers for people's foreheads...

25a. Never have, alas. Doesn't help that I have a beak rather than lips.
25b. Not that I know of, at least last I checked.

26a. See my answer to Question 25.
26b. Again, same.

27a. I do talk to myself quite a bit, especially when doing inner debates, so I guess that counts?
27b. Not when they keep screaming about war flashbacks all the time.

28a. I was raised in a nest, so I can't really answer that.
28b. At Beacon? I wouldn't say made fun of, exactly, but then again, nobody really noticed me. I'm kinda good at that.

29a. Well... If anyone happens upon Rashida anywhere in the multiverse, could you tell her I miss her? I understand if she doesn't want to come back again, though...
29b. Hmmph.

30a. I'm glad I've provided answers to all your questions, at least, so there's that!
30b. Can I leave now? That volume of My Hero Academia isn't gonna finish itself.

And I'm going to blatantly rip-off be inspired by Ixi's idea to do all of my agents separately. Here we go!

Starting with Jenni, because she's taking this thing solo regardless of what I do with the rest.

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

This should be fun... Jennifer Robinson, human for practical purposes, someplace that doesn't have a name.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

Department of Fictional Psychology, no partner. Or several, depending on exactly how you want to construe the term. *smirk*

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

Biologically, 35. Existentially, about sixteen years in the PPC, plus several lifetimes of varying lengths beforehand. Never really counted, but we're probably looking at a few hundred years of rational, linear time. Irrationally, a lot more than that.

If you want to get meta, I've been around as a character for about... 27 years, give or take a bit?

4. Height and weight?

5'7", maybe 140? Bit more? Look, my author is bad at numbers. I'm not too skinny and I've got some muscles because my job involves restraining thrashing people on a daily basis, I'm raising two boys, and I have an active social life besides.

5. Sexual orientation?

[Jenni just laughs.]

6. IQ?

My job also involves outsmarting some pretty clever people who think they're on to me, which they might be. I think that's more Wis and Cha than Int, but whatever.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

I dunno, something-C? Oranges, not grapefruits. Oh, and I like low-cuts: hipsters or bikinis. Cute and practical!

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

Haha, no, I don't do weapons.

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Nope. Walkin' the straight and narrow here.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

[Jenni laughs.] Oh, shards, no.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

Sure. I fantasize about lots of relations.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

... I guess I still use "shards" a lot. It's pretty tame as curses go, but you can spit it out with a lot of force if the situation warrants it.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Um... I don't know. Not a lot of illness going around HQ, generally, and my immune system is battle-hardened.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

Not unless you want to believe the people who keep telling me I have a savior complex or Florence Nightingale syndrome or something.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

... Losing myself. It almost happened once, before I came here. That, or not having a place to belong and people to belong to. Maybe it's the same thing.

16. Do you crossdress often?

Y'know, the idea of crossdressing assumes that sex dictates gender dictates style, which is pretty stupid. Speaking as someone who only has a sex because I choose to, I also choose the fashions that suit me, and the only gender that matters in that choice is "mine." I get that it's easier because I've elected to be female, and male-bodied folks draw more criticism for going against societal norms, but the point is, there's no "crossing" if there's no sense of transgression.

... Not that I want to ruin anyone's fun if they enjoy the sense of transgression. That's cool, too.

17. Have any addictions?

I suppose you could say I'm addicted to human. Don't plan on quitting, either.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

[Jenni starts tallying on her fingers.] ... Wait, are we counting AUs? I've had some awful deaths in AUs. *shudder*

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

I work there, so I was evaluated by Dr. Freedenberg when I started?

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

Only when Suzine is up my butt about paperwork or Elms wants to go hang out at Rudi's or something.

21. Do you snore?

I don't think so? Maybe if I'm really out of it.

22. Are you drooling right now?

Technically, we're always salivating.

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Okay, if HQ is blowing up anyway, I'm saving everyone I can, and anyone who doesn't like it can stay behind. At least both my kids. I'm not having any of this Sophie's Choice bullshit.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Like half an hour ago, when I got off shift. Why, did you want a sample to analyze? I'll give you one. *very worrisome grin*

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

*laughs, but suddenly stops* Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever kissed anyone from my own species. I'm not sure I have a species. Just siblings who both have their heads so far up their own immaterial behinds it wouldn't occur to them.

26. Did you like it?

Oh, yes. Kissing people is fun. *grin*

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

You've got that backwards. I am one of the voices in my author's head, and yes, we talk. Sometimes she even listens to me!

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

Um... jeez, when was I in school? Hogwarts? Yeah, there was that incident with the pancakes, took a while to live that one down. Harper Hall? Probably. I had a sister at the time, though, and they went after her more 'cause she was vulnerable. Jerks.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

This has been moderately entertaining, and dare I say I look forward to reading the results?

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Nope, I'm out. See ya!

1. No.
   12. I don't usually swear that much, but I am fond of the f-word in particularly horrendous missions.
   13. A few missions back, when Kat managed to forget to portal through a decade-long time skip.
   14. None diagnosed.
   15. I like to think I'm fearless, but to be honest my worst fear is turning into a Stu.
   16. Never.
   17. I do like coffee...
   18. I've never died. Closest I've been is I would have died in my homefic if the PPC hadn't come along.
   19. No.
   20. No.
   21. Definitely not!
   22. Why would I be?
   23. Kat, given that she's the only person/alien/sentient being I actually get on well with.
   24. What kind of a question is that?!
   25. Yes. A Sue.
   26. I did at the time. Now I absolutely hate it.
   27. What little voices? I don't have any little voices!
   28. I didn't go to school. Peculiars don't have state education.
   29. Go away. Please.
   30. I am not going to answer your f***ing questionnaire on thumbtacks!
   
   

First Richard Legard.

Euh, I'm here for the interview. You mentioned you'd be giving free Lone Wolf books for this in your letter, right?

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Oh, a bot program, Marina will like you. Well, my name is Richard Legard, vanilla human of World One. That's it

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

That would be the Freelance Department of Mary Sues, with Marina Nicodelli as my partner.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

I got 25 years old a few monthes ago.

4. Height and weight?

I'd say five foot and eleven inches, six feet with the hair. Not sure about the weight, probably a little under one hundred fifty stones.

5. Sexual orientation?

Euh, straight, I guess? Can't really exclude the possiblity of... well discovering other preferences later in life though.

6. IQ?

Ah, i got tested for that in grade school, just as they decided I needed to see a psy for social awkwardness and isolation. They said it was 146, not sure about that sometimes.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

Euuuh, do I look like I have breasts?

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

Well, I usually have a swordcane, a M1911 like Marina, and most above all the Remote Activator. I mean, how do you trump Portal to Lava as a weapon?

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Why would I have committed any crime exactly?

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Why did I agree to this... No, never met someone I wanted to go with so far.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

...*whispers* Do people of the of the other sex cou– Why am I telling this?

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Yes, after the last one, I'm so glad you're a bot right now...
Duck/Cannard in Fench. You'd never think about how many actual cursewords are only one letter away, right until you try it.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Euh, can't actually remember it, so I'll guess that will have to do?

14. Have any mental illnesses?

Unless not bing really social count, none so far. This place does have its reputation.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

Death. Next please.

16. Do you crossdress often?

Euh, never felt any need or reason fo doing it.

17. Have any addictions?

Do RPG, videogames, books and dark chocolate and dark coffee count?

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

Closest so far? Maybe that Madoka trollfic. I'd be happy if it stays my closest brush.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

No.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

I certainly hope than no.

21. Do you snore?

According to my brothers and Marina, yes.

22. Are you drooling right now?

Who was progamming these questions exactly?

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

...Comment vous pourriez choisir une seule personne à sauver au juste? I mean, there is my partner, but also all these kids here...

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Think about the free books, Think about the free books...

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

Does kiss on the cheek as greeting as a kid count? If yes, yes, yes, no. If not... Well, total no.

26. Did you like it?

Guess the triple no it is then.

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

The one telling me to let Marina handle you since she's coming next? Yes.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

Yes. My mom was actually impressed by how little I let that affect me. I mean, these people don't know me, and I'm probably never seeing them again after school. Why should I have let it get to me?

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Not really, I never was big on that. Actually, yes. Where are these books?

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Oh, in the box there. Well, I'm letting you with Marina now. Good luck I guess.

---

And now for Marina:

For the life of me I can't understand how you managed to have my sign a binding contract for that whithout knowing about it until the notice arrived, but let me be clear, you have officially joined this place's Hunger Games organisators on my 'to hit' list.

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Figures you'd be hiing behind a bot. Well, let's get this over quickly. Marina Nicodelli, human Wizard, Dresdenverse.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

You know you interviewed Richard just before me, right? you should know the answer to that one.

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

That's surprisingly innocent. Twenty six by now.

4. Height and weight?

I SHould have known better. Five feet four for one hundred fourteen pounds. What, you wanted a joke about ladies and weight?

5. Sexual orientation?

Staight, unless White Court Vampire-induced lust count.

6. IQ?

Never went for measuring it. The fact I'm here should tell you everything though.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

The complete and utter surprise... 34C. Better you have true numbers than making up stuff, since you'll be posting that whatever I want or not.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

A gun, a knife to use as an athame, and magic if I wasn't Disguised as a World one human. Still, little bot, let me remind you I only need a hand right now...

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

I worked with the police back home, not against them. And last thing I wanted was to have my dad being the one to come if I committed one crime.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Did I hear someone wanting to be hexed?
*Survival Instincts exe. booting in*

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

Again, only if White Court Vampires whamming your mind count.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Oh, someone tried to be clever with the recording. Shpx. Here, nice and simple, to use in all circumstances.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Last time I had to taste Urple Prose, aka far too recently for me.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

Trauma, including that garbage fire of an interview.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

Renfields. Look it up if you don't know. Meeting the people creating these interviews too now.

16. Do you crossdress often?

I can use my gun for target practice too, you know?
*Survival Instincts exe. booting in*

17. Have any addictions?

Nice to know for sure you can do that... Any people telling me black coffee is an addiction, try my life. Then we'll talk.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

... That shpxing ambush by Fomoians which destroyed my life and had me jump to that asylium of an organization.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

No.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

*click*
*Survival Instincts exe. booting in*

21. Do you snore?

No. Though it does look like I move a lot while I sleep.

22. Are you drooling right now?

I swear, if I found any hair you joker left when you set up that shpxing thing. When I told you it fits all circumstances.

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Richard. I assume everybody else is doing that 'save someone' routine at the same time, while he agonizes over who to save. I'm not letting him explode with that place.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Will wonders never cease, you actually manage to beat tabloids for the bottom of the pit.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

No, Yes, No. Unwilling third ones very much don't count.

26. Did you like it?

Your Survive.exe might need bigger running time...
*Survival Instincts exe. booting in again. Sending requests for exttension of duration of said .exe*

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

You never joke with what can invade your skull. Consequences are never funny.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

Some idiots decided to pick up on a cop's daughter. I always made sure to answer accordingly.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

...Would you look at that? All these hair hanging around the poor little bot. Guess recinding hairlines are a thing for tabloid journalists.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 quest–

*Interview Bot 000 suffered major hexing damage. Blackbox had pictures of interviewee 13 picking up hair left on its frame.*

1. Edward Stone, peculiar, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children.
   2. Mary Sues. My sister.
   3.20, depending on plot holes and time loops.
   4. Six foot, about sixty kilos.
   5. Is this relevant?
   6. Higher than average. Definitely.
   7. Once again, not relevant.
   8.*counts* Depends on your definition of weapon. Two? Three?
   9. Not in the PPC.
   10. There were some implications otherwise in my backstory. Should probably state that the other party was a Sue.
   
   (Short on time now, will carry on later)

Look, just give Lolus a kebab and he'll be on his way. His messy, garlic-scented, hopefully-meat-filled way.

---

1) Hi! I'm Wobbles the Clown, I'm a human, and I'm originally from a very stupid place! It wasn't a fun time being the comic relief in a Twilight badfic, but I'm doing okay now. Least, I think so, but I guess I prolly would.

2) Most people know me, if they know me at all, from my TV stuff, which means I work with my buddies in the A/V Division a lot. When it comes to active duty, I work in DF, and so does my partner! Her name is the Notary and she's a Time Grump! And also kind of a horrible person! Who we tolerate anyway!

Okay, that wasn't fair. The Notary's been through a capital-L Lot over the years. Time War stuff, relationship breakdowns... it all affects people different ways. Some people come back from a bad place and find out they've taken it with them, and that can drag you down into an even worse place than the one you left. She's trying to move on, though. I've seen it myself. Jenni's certainly helping her do that, and, well.

I didn't do my part, at least not until recently. But I'm trying to be better too.

3) Oh, gosh, um. Iunno. I mean, I was a teenager when I was in my homefic, but I mighta been in my early twenties, and it's been a while since I got outta there, and time passes kinda weird... man, I'm just gonna call it quits at twenty-eight and stay that way until the greasepaint stops hidin' the wrinkles.

4) I'm a big girl. Six foot one and, uh, fakecoughingnoise pounds. Am I allowed to put that? No? Aw, beans. Okay, 307. I don't let it slow me down, either, I've got a 40 time of 4.96, a 9'4 broad, a 33" vertical, 29 reps at 225, 7.90 3-cone, and a 4.51 shuttle. If I'd had a mom or dad, they'd say I was built like a linebacker. I... I wanted to play football, and I still like to watch it, but nobody around here seems that into it and my disability means I can't set the RC to play the games super easily. For reference, since I guess this is an interview, WSU for college and Seahawks for the NFL. Also, uh, Stallions for the AAF, I guess? I just like the team colours.

5) I work in the 2-11 demo, so it doesn't come up super often, but we've got a bunch of queer kids in the Nursery and I let them know that I'm like them too. And I'm their friend, because I'm everybody's friend, so that means it's gotta be fine! But yeah, outside the studio, I mostly go for other girls when I go for anyone at all. Demisexual biromantics represent, yo.

6) High enough to know that trying to quantify intelligence as a single number is absolutely rock-fricking-dumb.

7) Aw, beans. Uh. Hold on, lemme check, uh... carry the one... cheese and crackers, 44G? When the heck did that happen? I need new underwear. Guess this is why the sports bras have been feelin' tighter than normal lately. Oh, and I know you didn't ask, but boxers too. Life is too short and my butt is too big for teeny little panties.

8) I can't bring a lot of weapons to missions, but mostly I use a slapstick when I use anything at all. It's either that or a pogo stick. I can't use guns because of my AAT and I'm a lousy archer. Maybe I should look at crossbows...

9) Nope! The judge said that the property damage caused by my condition was not a deliberate or intentional malicious act, so legally I'm A-OK! Which is super fun for everyone!

10) I mean, no? But it's irrelevant. Having or not having sex is individual choice, and it's wrong to shame people for exercising that choice in whatever way feels right for them. Virginity's not shameful any more than getting [EXTREMELY CENSORED PORTION OF THE INTERVIEW] with five German steelworkers and a bucket of live fishing bait is. Let he who is without Lust Object cast the first stone.

11) Relationships, yeah, absolutely. I kinda don't fantasize about the act, though, y'know? Like I said, demisexual.

12) I don't really enjoy cursing much, and believe me I am super out of practice despite hanging out with the Notary a bunch, but I think my favourite is [OH CHRIST MAKE HER MOUTH STOP MAKING NOISE I FELT MY INNOCENCE DIE]. That one's in Klingon!

13) Uh, probably after the last time I went drinking with a Time Lord and a woman that manipulates probability so she wakes up feeling minty-fresh after drinking a Time Lord under the table. Yeah, the six-foot clown with the body of a defensive end is the lightweight of that group. Figure that one out.

14) Depression, angstfic-related symptoms, and a very unhealthy relationship with my emotions that I'm trying to work on. Jenni helps, which I guess isn't a surprise. The Notary's trying to help too, in her own weird way. That was a surprise, but a nice one.

15) Going back. I know I can't ever go back, the fic collapsed once the mission was over, but phobias are irrational and what's more irrational that being scared so white I look like a mime of ending up in a place it's literally impossible for me to go back to?

I guess it's, like... I worry that all this is a dream, and that I'll wake up and it'll be a dull grey rainy day, and I'll try to make toast and electrocute myself for that bitch's amusement again, just like I started every day until the PPC rescued me. I have a condition. It's not a joke. I am not a joke. I'm a clown.

Big difference.

16) Uh, technically? Clown costumes are pretty gender-neutral, but they skew more towards male with the baggy pants and the suspenders attached to the big ol' hula hoop waistband. Also the bow tie, but bow ties are cool.

17) Not right now, no. I used to be addicted to angst, just like a lot of other angstfic refugees in this place, but I've got my 10 year token. Every day is a struggle, but every day helps. It's behind me, and even if I won't be free of the urge? I'm free to act on my own desires. No script, no predetermination, just me and what I choose to do with my life. I'm recovering.

18) I haven't died yet, but I think the closest was in my first mission. We nearly got taken out by a fire elemental replacement, and I lost, like, half of my wig with that one. Plus a bunch of my real non-giant-rainbow-wig hair and my scalp got burned up but good. Which was just great.

19) Yeah, they have, and I can't thank them enough that they did. Ten years angst-free. I should talk to that other Time Lord from the Council that the Notary screwed over sometime, she looks like she needs the group's help.

20) Uh, Jenni is, but only because I help make sure the Notary gets to her appointments on time. Does that count? I'mma say it counts.

21) Six one, three hundred pounds. Of course I snore, goofus. I can't not snore. It's sleep apnoea.

22) There's no chocolate milkshake here, so no. Ah, chocolate-flavoured dairy products. My one great weakness. Y'know, I once made a chocolate milkshake with chocolate ice cream, three different chocolate bars, chocolate dessert sauce, chocolate milk powder, chocolate cake, and chocolate milk. The Notary had one sip and half a dozen FicPsych nurses had to claw her off the ceiling of the common room while the sugar rush wore off.

23) I'd say Jenni, but she can save herself. So... I really don't know. Whoever I could, I guess.

24) Uh, this morning? 7:32 sharp, like a normal person? And I will again at 6:13 tonight, also like a normal person?

25) Yes, yes, and yes.

26) Yes, yes, and yes.

27) I don't have little voices in my head, thanks. I talk to everyone though, so if there are any little voices in my head, come out and say hi! Let's be friends!

28) I received a lot of ableist bullying because of my AAT, and I'd rather not discuss it further.

29) You know that new division? Non-Propaganda Communications? The ones who do that knockoff Buzzfeed thing? They're more respectful of people and ask more interesting questions than you, an actual newspaper. Y'all have a lot to think about.

30) Try. It.

'That I don-t like what you-re implying, when you want to interview Bingle and I together.'

'What's wrong with us being interviewed together, Finch?'

'The implication that we represent two sides of one whole, like we-re just two halves of some kind of mildly funny comedic duo or something, rather than real individuals in our own right.'

'Oh! Well, what else did you think we were?'

'What the Hell does tha--'

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

'Bingle! I am Bernhard Bingard Bingle, I am a human, and I am from nowhere at all!'

'S86FNC-11630, Domestiworks V7 "Provend" automatic vending machine, "dried fruit orange" paint scheme, standard line. My theory is that I-m from Hell. It-d explain a lot.'

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

'The Department of Rubbish Losers Nobody Cares About Who Don-t Get Enough Funding.'

'The Department of Operations! We don't have partners but I don't doubt if we did Finch would be mine. I believe my intelligent calmness balances out his angered irrationality, you know?'

'You dirty bloody godd--'

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

'I don't know!'

'I don-t care.'

4. Height and weight?

'Tall enough that I keep breaking my nose on the doorframes, which is incredibly painful! I am forty kilograms, which sounds quite bad, but I actually don't have most of my organs at all!'

'Is this a damn medical checkup? I-m the height and weight of an average vending machine.'

5. Sexual orientation?

'Oh, I haven't thought about that since I left my wife all that time ago. Or husband. I can never recall which it was.'

'I get exposed to enough disgusting organic fluids on my job. No thank you.'

6.IQ?

'My Ice is very high Quality, thank you!'

'I-m certain I-m the smartest one in this room.'

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

'What is the smallest bra size, Finch?'

'I don-t really keep tabs on this sort-ve thing, Bingle. If you ask me undergarments as a whole seem like yet another great scam to pay someone else money to have yourself strangled when you least expect it.'

'My bra size is zero!'

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

'Oh, I recall taking karate classes very long ago, so I suppose you could consider my whole body a weapon.'

'My model is so unstable that where I come from it was considered, legally, an improvised explosive. So you could consider my whole body a weapon, too.'

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

'If I were my own lawyer, I don't think I would want myself to answer this question!'

'I bloody well am, and every moment of every day I-m being punished for them.'

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

'Skip this one, I don-t want to hear or think about Bingle-s answer.'

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

'Oh, not recently. Should I?'

'I fantasise about no relations at all.'

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

'The simplistic beauty of "bloody idiot" makes it a far better, more versatile option than most.'

'Crumblo! You complete crumblo! It hasn't caught on quite yet, but, believe me, you will be very insulted in about three or so years.'

13. When was the last time you threw up?

'Exactly two days ago! Oh, what a terrible day that was.'

'What a horrid shift. I was going to puke, too, but I remembered I don-t have any guts.'

14. Have any mental illnesses?

'I-m the only one who doesn-t.'

'Oh, I'm absolutely flooded with them, I don't doubt.'

15. What is your biggest phobia?

'Collapsing walls. Bees. Flooding. Mammoth attacks. Freezing to death. Burning to death. Car crashes. Getting my wiring plucked out one by one by eagles. The black death. Measles. Being stabbed. Brown bears.'

'Oh, I have occasional anxieties that my friends don't really like me, and are just politely putting up with my antics.'

'Black bears. Polar bears. Waterfalls. Short circuiting. The undead. The idea of the afterlife. The idea of there being no afterlife. Rabid dogs. Train accidents. Fate. The--'

16. Do you crossdress often?

'Oh, hardly enough, I don't think.'

'I-m always naked.'

17. Have any addictions?

'I have this horrid addiction to decent interviewing that I really wish I could get a fix for right now.'

'I am addicted to the wonders of science and magic!'

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

'Let me bloody tell you something, there-s not a bloody single moment of any day of any week that I-m not a single slip away from the final slamming dark end to my loose mo--'

'Yesterday for both of us! I died many years ago and remain dead to this very moment and it's not as bad as people say it is. Next question, please!'

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

'Only ever when I-ve let them. They think they-re way slicker than they are...'

'Oh, yes. It's a wonderful alternative to a real holiday, you know. They even give you free food!'

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

'Why? Are you working with them?'

'He's right, you know. That's an awfully suspicious thing to ask of us.'

'That-s an awfully FicPsychey thing to ask of us.'

'Just in case you are with FicPsych, well, you know, you're far less slick than you think you are, I can assure you!'

21. Do you snore?

'I do when I'm being choked!'

'You-re a bunch of bloody bigots. Not everyone in this hellhole needs to breathe.'

22. Are you drooling right now?

'Oh, I hope not. That seems quite rude. And Finch would be terribly upset with me.'

'You-re a bunch of bloody bigots. Not everyone in this hellhole has saliva.'

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

'Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh, this is terrible! I can't--believe this! Oh! The--the wreckage! The waste of life? I don't know if I can handle this. Oh, oh heavens, oh, dear...'

'This is a rubbish question. In the case of a complete explosion of HQ I-d be the first to die. Don-t bloody contest me on this, I think about this constantly.'

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

'Exactly two hours ago!'

'I don-t know, when was it for you? Maybe next time you should try s--tting out a better set of questions for us.'

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

'Oh, I'm sure I've kissed at least one.'

'Don-t you think I-d ever risk the "cooties" disease! I-ve heard of what it does to you!'

26. Did you like it?

'I strive to keep a positive attitude towards all things I do. If I didn't like it, well, I'm sure I learnt some kind of important lesson from it, anyhow!'

'Have you even heard what it does to you? Have you?'

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

'Who the hell else is worth listening to?'

'All voices have a right to be heard and acknowledged, even the slithery, murdery ones!'

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

'Oh, absolutely! I was, and remain, the absolute perfect size and weight to be physically throttled and beaten and so on. Why, were I not myself, I would probably bully myself, too!'

'The other mechs at the scrapping plant called me "paranoid" for wanting to avoid incineration. Well, how-d that turn out, huh? Who-s incinerated and who bloody isn-t, huh?'

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

'Your questions are rubbish and you ought to be fired on the spot. I despise you, personally, and I-m incensed I used up so much of my--incredibly limited--lifespan to involve myself in this.'

'Nope!'

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

'OH, NOT TODAY, NURSE!'

'YOU-RE NOT AS BLOODY SLICK AS YOU THINK YOU ARE!'

[Finch and Bingle, having flipped the table and scattered loose items and sheets of paper all over the floor, disappear into the distance]

The following is a direct transcript of the audio recording of the interview with the Detective.



1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?


Detective: Hi-- right, you and I need to talk. I’ve been gone a while, taking care of a few things. What are the current HQ relative spatiotemporal coordinates?


Interviewer: . . . Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, spe--

D: *sigh* Yeah, right, I forgot. Monitor interview bots, you were never very bright. Should mean I’m at the right timezone, though.


I: . . . Actually, my name is Thomas, and I have a wife and two--

D: My condolences to all three, Thomas. Right, best get started. My name is the Detective. I’m a Time Lord from the Whoniverse.



2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

D: Security. Wait! No, Floaters. Pretty sure I was in Floaters at the moment. Should be in Security soon, though, if you want to start adjusting the employee forms. Save you some time.


3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

D: Seven. Probably a bit above, not sure how much.



4. Height and weight?

D: Tall. And skinny. That’s in metric.


5. Sexual orientation?

D: If you’re worried about orienting yourself then you’re not doing it right. Get into it! Literally. Why would you even care where north was? Ridiculous.



6. IQ?

D: I’d say “higher than yours” but given your position of employment that’s not exactly a high bar.


7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

D: Umm. . . I was a 30F when I met me, if I recall, and I like boxers. They punch good.


8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

D: Enough. Also a sonic screwdriver-- what? Nah, ‘s not a weapon. Who told you that? Ridiculous.


9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

D: Yes, actually, I come very highly recommended, but usually they can’t afford my services. Er, plus ethics. Deeefinitely ethics. *nodding sagely* Ethics.


10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
D: *loud cackling* No.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

D: Yeeees? Duh. Weird question, honestly. *shaking head* You humans, you’re obsessed.


12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

D: Paleomisanthropicarchaeotriskaidekaphobia. Get you banned on seven systems, that word. So much fun to say, though.


13. When was the last time you threw up?

D: When I saw your face! . . . Yeah, you're right, that was a bit rude. Apologies.


14. Have any mental illnesses?

D: Well, I’m still answering your questions, so that ought to tell you something.


15. What is your biggest phobia?

D: This interview continuing!


16. Do you crossdress often?

D: What's crossdressing again? I wear what I like, honestly.


17. Have any addictions?

D: Yes. Next question?


18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

D: You do realize you just asked a Time Lord that question, yeah?


19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

D: *swallows* Um, yeah, actually. It was. . . not my best day.


20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

D: If they are right now it’s for something I don’t know I’ve done yet.


21. Do you snore?

D: Yeah, according to Ave. Don’t see how that’s relevant, though.


22. Are you drooling right now?

D: . . . Yes, definitely. Aaaall over the floor-- gonna need a mop by the time we’re done. *rolls eyes*


23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

D: Probably the person whose death unfixed time so I could save everyone. I’m not picking.


24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

D: For what? Fantastic battering rams, toilets.


25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

D: Well, duh. When I said I was “probably a bit above seven” I may have been very slightly underselling it. Yes, and to all three.


26. Did you like it?

D: Usually.


27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

D: Well, technically, those little voices are me already, so yeah, ‘course I do.


28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

D: Horribly. ‘Cause I took your mom to the prom. And I’m a time traveller! That might even be true. *waggles eyebrows*


29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

D: Yeah, actually, I do, and that’s me wondering why on Rassilon’s orange Gallifrey is number 29 on your list legitimately “I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have you any comments?” Dear Rassilon, something is legitimately wrong with you.


30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

D: Firstly, of course the interview has ended-- how is that even a question? You have a whole numbered list to look at and everything. Secondly, look at my face. Do I look gleeful? And thirdly, break out the thumbtacks. It’s time for your 100 question surve-- Huh, he’s gone. *dusts off hands* Can’t believe that worked. Anyway, Ave-- if this makes it to you, I hope you’re doing okay, and I’ll be hopping by soon. Take care.

1. 
   S: My name is Summer Sterling, and I'm apparently from what y'all call World One. I just call it Earth. 'Cause. It's Earth. Yeah. Also I'm human.
   N: My name is Nicholas Hedge! I'm from everywhere, and I'm everything! *hair turns purple*
   S: Nic, no.
   N: Nic, yes!
   
   2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?
   S: Freelance. Nic here is my partner.
   N: Also Freelance! And Summer is my partner. He's so shiny.
   S: Ooookaaaay.
   
   3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?
   S: God, it's been a long time since I've thought about that. Uhh... No idea how time works around here. I'm gonna say... 23? That sounds right.
   N: I've been for a long time! Probably before I even was.
   S: Nic. What just came out of your mouth.
   N: Words!
   S: Oh boy.
   
   4. Height and weight?
   S: 5'6", 200lbs. I'm American, so sue me. Also, I deadlift. Call me, boys.
   N: Uhh... well, I really like being tall! So I'm usually tall. The tallest I've ever been is eight feet! But that was too tall. I'm also really thin because I like feeling like a reed.
   S: I have to pick him up a lot. I'd say his average weight is around a hundred ten, a hundred twenty pounds. He's alarmingly skinny for how tall he likes to be. And yes. It varies.
   
   5. Sexual orientation?
   S: Gayer than a box of chocolates.
   N: Everyone is so pretty!
   S: I'm pretty sure that means pan? This... guy is allergic to straight answers.
   S: Pff. I'm a comedic genius.
   N: You are?
   
   6. IQ?
   S: I got tested once when I was pretty little... I think they said something about "above average." Honestly, I have no clue. How about this: My IQ is sufficient for my occupation. Good?
   N: What's an IQ?
   S: ...That's actually a great question, Nic. I don't know.
   N: You like to put my answers in words that make sense, so what do you think would make sense here?
   S: I really don't know, Nic. You're a special one. Honestly, if I had to guess, I'd say it's freakishly high.
   
   7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?
   S: Briefs. I like all my stuff to keep still, thanks.
   N: Boxers! They're so comfy!
   
   8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?
   S: Well, I have my bowie knife on me right now, and I have a sharp-ish pin in my hair that works in a pinch. So technically one, but maybe two.
   N: I don't use those!
   S: You really should, you know. You get hit pretty hard on missions. I'm not always gonna be there when the... stuff hits the fan.
   N: It's okay, Summer! I'll be alright. I worry about you more! You are so squishy, and you live so bright, but when you get hurt you go so dark and cold.
   S: *frowns*
   
   9. Are you wanted for any crimes?
   S: No.
   N: Maybe? I don't know! Ooh, Summer! What if we go somewhere and they want to put me in the bars? That would be so cool!
   S: One, not cool! Two, Nic... that is NOT how jails work.
   
   10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’
   S: No.
   N: Nope!
   S: What. No. I refuse to believe this. You are too precious.
   N: *smiles, pokes him in the cheek* Don't be silly, Summer.
   S: I'm nawwwt!
   
   11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?
   S: Oh yeah. Ohhh, yeah.
   N: Oh! You mean how Summer is always thinking about sex! Not that much, but sometimes.
   S: Okay, first of all, I do NOT always think about sex. Second of all, can you read my thoughts?!
   N: No, it's just clear on your face! You look like you do when you sleep, only blinking.
   S: It is ever-so-slightly creepy how you apparently know well what I look like when I sleep.
   N: Only because you're always thinking about sex!
   S: No! It is not! I do not always think about sex!
   N: Okay, Summer. If that's what you say.
   S: ...You learned that phrase from me, and I hate both you and myself.
   N: *cheery grin*
   
   12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?
   S: *gleefully* F--k!
   N: *goes to do the same*
   S: *puts a hand over his mouth* No. You are legally not allowed to say f--k.
   N: *pouts*
   
   13. When was the last time you threw up?
   S: ...Look, portals are rough on my stomach, okay?
   N: It was two days ago on our last mission! We went through, and then Summer looked blue, and then he threw up!
   S: Where does food even go when you eat it? Do you even have a digestive system?
   N: Sometimes!
   S: Have you ever thrown up?
   N: Nope!
   S: Lucky.
   
   14. Have any mental illnesses?
   S: Probably some generalized anxiety disorder. It's pretty mild, but I've noticed I worry a lot more than it seems like I ought to be worrying.
   N: My mens is fine, I think! I don't know. I haven't been to a medicus mentis.
   S: *mutters* Random Latin-speaking disorder, maybe.
   
   15. What is your biggest phobia?
   S: Losing touch with people I care about.
   N: Not being anymore.
   
   16. Do you crossdress often?
   S: Not often, but I did once and it was pretty darn fun, I'll tell you that. I got so much glitter put on my face. I was wearing this big ol' dress with lacy skirts and pretty pearl buttons... It was white, and white's my color, so I looked pretty great. Shaved for it and everything. It was great! I got up and danced in front of this, like, huge crowd with a bunch of other guys in drag. I loved it. It was fun. Maybe I should do that again.
   N: I've been a girl before! Does that count?
   S: I... don't know, and I don't really want to ask.
   
   17. Have any addictions?
   S: I used to smoke as a teenager but my dad helped me quit.
   N: I don't have any. Addictions are also really scary. They make your whole being depend on one thing! I don't want to get addicted to anything.
   S: *administers shoulder pat*
   
   18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?
   S: I almost drove into a tree when I was nineteen. The scare nearly finished the job for it.
   N: I don't know if I've ever not been before. That makes me scared. I don't like this. Can we talk about something else?
   
   19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?
   S: Not yet they haven't. *growls* Not yet.
   N: Yes! They were strange. I don't think they liked me very much.
   
   20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?
   S: Nope. But they probably will be sometime in the future.
   N: Maybe?
   S: More than likely.
   
   21. Do you snore?
   S: He doesn't.
   N: He does, a little. It whistles!
   
   22. Are you drooling right now?
   S: I'm salivating. It's because I'm eating jerky.
   N: No, but I could be!
   
   23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?
   S: *immediately* Nic.
   N: *simultaneously* Summer.
   
   24. When was the last time you used the toilet?
   S: This morning. What the heck do you want to know that for?
   N: I flushed it ten minutes ago! It swirls.
   S: You frighten me a little.
   N: Aww, don't be scared of me! Be scared of Sues! Sues will kill you. I won't do anything to you!
   S: Except accidentally poison me that one time. Or attack me with a pillow. Or how about that time you jumped off the top bunk onto my back and slammed me into the floor?
   N: ...Except for that, I won't do anything to you! *innocent grin*
   
   25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??
   S: Yes, yes, and... look, he was blue, okay? I like blue.
   N: Yes, yes, and yes!
   
   26. Did you like it?
   S: No, yes, and... mayyybe.
   N: Yes!
   
   27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?
   S: I don't have those. But I do talk to myself. Does that count?
   N: Sometimes! They have a lot of interesting things to say. Sometimes they say danger, and other times they make really bad jokes about Summer's hair.
   S: Hey, tell them to lay off the hair. It's fabulous. I know because I make it look fabulous. It takes a lot of time. And combs.
   N: That's not what they say! But I like it. It's so shiny.
   
   28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?
   S: Yeah, probably because I was just kinda small and short. It wasn't a huge deal.
   N: I never went to school, but people make fun of me all the time!
   S: ...Not anymore they won't.
   N: But you make fun of me!
   S: Yeah. I'm allowed to make fun of you.
   N: But they're not?
   S: Nope! They are definitely not.
   
   29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?
   S: Alright, well this one is pointless. Thoughts, Nic?
   N: I have lots of thoughts!
   S: *waits*
   S: Care to share?
   N: Maybe later.
   S: Okay then.
   
   30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?
   S: *clamps a hand firmly over Nic's mouth* We are very gleeful and would not like that at all. Come on, Nickie, we're going.
   N: *muffled protests, puppy eyes, wriggling*

Oh, hey there. What's going on?

1. Feloriel Amasteryl, high elf, D&D. Specifically this homebrew world called Elvhend, and a campaign that never got run.

2. DBS, with Ailienas.

3. 203.

4. Six feet, 140 pounds.

5. Gray ace lesbian.

6. I don't know, but my Intelligence score is 14.

7. 30AA, I believe?

8. Two. Mace and crossbow.

9. No.

10. Mm-hmm.

11. On occasion.

12. Ravens.

13. I don't remember. It was a while ago.

14. *tugs at sleeves* That's getting a bit personal, don't you think?

15. Being seen naked, believe it or not.

16. Clerical robes are unisex.

17. Does capsaicin count?

18. *shrugs*

19. Once. Ailienas sicced them on me.

20. Not at the moment.

21. I don't sleep. I'm an elf.

22. No. Why would I be?

23. ...okay, I admit it, I have a crush. But you do *not* get to know who she is!

24. A couple hours ago.

25. The only people I've ever kissed are my brother and the priestess who initiated me into the clergy. They're both high elves, like me.

26. I suppose so.

27. Only to tell them to shut up.

28. Nope.

29. This was odd.

30. Raven Queen be with you!

((The other seven are forthcoming!))

(First one is Alex.)


1. Alexander Hawke, Human, and Fate

2. DTE(g), and Ce'rana

3. 19

4. 6'2, and about 200 pounds, though I will say I'm all muscle.

5. Straight.

6. I want to say the 120's range, but I've never been properly tested.

7. Boxer briefs, when I actually bother.

8. One sword. All I need.

9. Not wanted, no.

10. Hehehehehehe-No.

11. I won't say I never have, but not really, no.

12. Merda. Short, sweet, and rolls off the tongue.

13. Last time I trained. Got hit in the gut, lost my lunch. Never fun for anybody. Fortunately, I get to do it again after this.

14. Nope.

15. Failure. Death is temporary, but failure is forever.

16. Nope, and you can't prove otherwise.

17. I could kill for some tea.

18. Coming here. Experiments can be dangerous if done without proper preparations.

19. Nope.

20. Not that I'm aware of.

21. I'm gonna go with no.

22. Why would I be drooling? Surveys aren't that fun, you know.

23. Hard to say. I'd save my partner instead of myself if it let me save two people.

24. I'm not even going to question why you're asking this, and just tell you the answer is no.

25. Yes, no, and yes. Usually fun, depending on the species.

26. ...See above. This is why I should read all the questions before answering.

27. We're not on speaking terms right now.

28. Sometimes, when I was younger. I wasn't all that social in my youth. I grew out of it.

29. This is a written question sheet. If you can't think of a question, you just don't put one down. Wait, this is the Monitor. Never mind. No comments.

30. I cannot leave fast enough.

1. I'm Amber! I am a... you call them "catgirls"? I am one of those! And something else, not very sure what. Part of me is from HuniePop! The other part... I don't know. Somewhere else!
   
   2. I was assigned to the Department of Floaters! It's a very nice place. I don't have a partner for now!
   
   3. My original, Momo, was "one cat years old", which was rendered as 18 by the game she's from! However, since one cat year can be anything from 15 to 24 human years old, let's say I am 20!
   
   4. I am 5'2'' tall and weigh 100 pounds! Or 160cm and 45kg!
   
   5. I'm a girl, and I like other girls! That makes me... what was the word for it? A "lesbian"? That!
   
   6. I know a lot about a lot if that's what you're asking! And so little about so much, too...
   
   7. Tag says "B"!
   
   8. None! I apparently don't need them, but I'd like something with reach! A gun!
   
   9. Nope! Not yet, at least!
   
   10. Yup!
   
   11. I would if I could "fantasize"!
   
   12. I don't have any! It's easier to remove the would-be source of cursing than cursing!
   
   13. I have never done that!
   
   14. Depends on what you mean by "mental illness"! A regular human would find me very unsettling!
   
   15. Maybe large bodies of water? They make me very uncomfortable!
   
   16. Nope! Never!
   
   17. Nope! None whatsoever!
   
   18. Maybe the time before I met Momo? I don't remember that very well.
   
   19. Nope!
   
   20. Nope! I hope I never give them any reason to!
   
   21. Nope! I have better ways of generating white noise!
   
   22. Nope! Should I?
   
   23. Whoever I found first!
   
   24. Went right before this interview!
   
   25. Nope!
   
   26. Can't answer that! See the above answer!
   
   27. Nope! The Abstracts have nothing to say, and I wouldn't listen to them even if they did!
   
   28. I never went to school!
   
   29. Would you past the Turing test, mysterious Interviewer?
   
   30. So soon? Goodbye!
   

Phil:-walks in disheveled with a bag of Doritos-

1. Ahh yes! Welcome to the interview! Please introduce yourself: name, species, continuum of origin?

Phil: Um...Phil. I am a human and uh...unspecified.

2. So, what department are you in, and who is your partner?

Phil: I work for the Department of Mary Sues. -wipes some Dorito dust off in his sweatpants- And my partner is uh….Spensor. Listen, is this gonna take long?

3. Let’s start with the basic questions. How old are you?

Phil: 20ish

4. Height and weight?

Phil: 5’8’’, 160 lbs -munches some Doritos- probably more if I keep eating this stuff.

5. Sexual orientation?

Phil:...Unspecified.

6. IQ?

Phil: Also unspecified.

7. Bra size? / Boxers or briefs?

Phil: Not sure about bra size my I prefer briefs. Or “commando”.

8. Let’s cut the boring questions. Firstly, how many weapons are currently on your person?

Phil: Zero. Why carry when there’s plenty of potentially deadly objects just lying around?

9. Are you wanted for any crimes?

Phil: I’m probably wanted for crimes against fashion.

10. And the age-old ‘Are you a virgin?’

Phil: No.

11. Do you ever fantasize about same-sex relations?

Phil:...Yes.

12. Lovely. So, what is your favorite curse word?

Phil: The f-word. I’d rather not say it out loud though.

13. When was the last time you threw up?

Phil: -scratches head- Probably two weeks ago when Spense and I went clubbing.

14. Have any mental illnesses?

Phil: Not that I know of.

15. What is your biggest phobia?

Phil: Drowning.

16. Do you crossdress often?

Phil: Odd question but no. Of course most of my clothing is unisex so....also most of the time?

17. Have any addictions?

Phil: Youtube videos.

18. What is the closest you have ever been to dying? Or have you ever died?

Phil: I once got into a car accident. That’s all I gotta say about that.

19. Have the FicPsych nurses ever taken you away?

Phil: Not yet, but I feel my luck is about to run out.

20. Are the FicPsych nurses after you?

Phil: I sure hope not.

21. Do you snore?

Phil: Ask Spensor, he’d know. Spends the whole night up playing PS2.

22. Are you drooling right now?

Phil: Over what? Certainly not you.

23. Let’s say that HQ was about to explode, and you could save one other person in here. Who would you choose?

Phil:...-sighs- Spensor.

24. When was the last time you used the toilet?

Phil: Really weird question but before I came in.

25. Have you ever kissed a girl? / a boy? / another species??

Phil: Yes, yes and yes.

26. Did you like it?

Phil: -nods-

27. The little voices in your head. Do you talk to them?

Phil: All the time.

28. Were you made fun of in school? Why?

Phil: I was the socially awkward dork that made an easy target out of myself.

29. I can’t think of a question to ask you. Have any comments?

Phil: You really need to add some kind of incentive to come to these things. Like a free coffee or a chance to win a gift certificate. Some of these Agents are starving and in college.

30. This interview has ended? Are you gleeful? Or would you like to complete our 100 question survey over thumbtacks?

Phil: Why did you ask if the interview has ended? Aren’t you the one who should know that? Anyways, no thank you, although that does sound marginally better than Spensor dancing the macarena.

1. Thoth, formerly of the Thousand Sons, Sorcerer of the Adeptus Astartes, and and representative member of the 40k Continuum.
   
   2. I have been assigned to the Department of Floaters, with Tom Andrews.
   
   3. My age is difficult to determine: time is flexible in the Warp, and I long since stopped counting. No doubt thousands of years have passed since my birth.
   
   4. My height is approximately 7 feet. I have not measured my weight of late. Although I have it on good authority that it should approximate 700 pounds.
   
   5. Ostensibly homosexual. My conditioning has stripped me all but the smallest hints of sexual urges.
   
   6. An Intelligence Test? I have not taken any. I cannot report results.
   
   7. In my limited experience, outside of my armor, boxers provide a more practical form of wear, being looser, easier to maneuver in, and less likely to obstruct, chafe, or otherwise distract in a dangerous situation.
   
   8. This is not information I disclose. Suffice to say, as a sorcerer, I am armed even when all articles of clothing have been removed from my body.
   
   9. Murder, heresy, sorcery, miscellaneous crimes against the Imperium, war crimes, kidnapping, 17 acts too disturbing to list here, 23 acts I did not commit, and assault and battery with a fish.
   
   It is a very long story.
   
   10. No. Unlike many of my brothers.
   
   11. I cannot recall the last time I fantasized about a sexual relationship.
   
   12. I can speak it. But it would likely be the last thing you hear. Curses are not to be taken lightly.
   
   13. I do not recall when last I was forced to consume a human brain.
   
   14. Define the term?
   
   15. "And they shall know no fear."
   
   But The Changer of Ways is... disquieting.
   
   16. ...Crossdressing? I suppose I could attempt it, although I see little point in such a foolish endeavor.
   
   17. Not that can be counted as such.
   
   18. I have most nearly died upon the day of the Burning of Prospero, and during an altercation with a servant of She Who Thirsts. There have been other brushes, but none so close.
   
   19. During my first day.
   
   20. Not at present.
   
   21. No.
   
   22. Why would I?
   
   23. Derik. There will be no further comments on this subject.
   
   24. Earlier today. I am not wearing my armor was regularly as I once did.
   
   25. Yes.
   
   26. I believe that I did at the time. The memory has long faded.
   
   27. No. It is unwise to encourage them.
   
   28. I was a surprisingly slow student, in the beginning. I began to rapidly improve.
   
   29. I don't wish to disclose any additional information at this time.
   
   30. Yes, no, and no.

1.) I am Leonidas, a posthuman Astartes of the Dark Angels Chapter of Space Marines in *Warhammer 40,000*.
2.) Floaters at the moment. My partner is Samuel (Sammy: IT'S SAMMY DARN IT) McLeod of *Gundam Build Fighters*.
3.) I lost count around the third century of my life.
4.) Approximately seven Terran feet, and the weight of a small ground vehicle when armored.
5.) I haven't bothered to figure it out. Duty came first in my setting, and I have a distinct lack of interest for reorganizing my priorities to amend that.
6.) Unknown. I was smart enough to consistently lead a Company of 100 Astartes and support elements to victory in the most brutal combat conditions conceived by the enemies of Mankind.
7.) N/A. I wear robes, power armor, and a bodysuit beneath that. Conventional undergarments are not part of my standard uniform.
8.) Three. Myself--for I am a living weapon, forged in fury, my bolt pistol--an automatic handgun of 0.75 caliber, with self-propelled mass-reactive explosive rounds, and my powered relic blade, forged of meteoric obsidian, a Heavenfall Blade called the Sword of Solitude. Occasionally I will supplement this with various explosives such as frag grenades. Earlier in my home universe, I wielded a power fist and a storm shield in my days as a Veteran Sergeant.
9.) Not by the standards of my home universe.
10.) ...yes. I was recruited at a young age, before I had fully biologically matured.
11.) No; neither do I fantasize about heterosexual relationships.
12.) Frakk.
13.) Due to my implants and modified physiology, I am incapable of being nauseated by most things, including motion sickness. I came close during my first high-velocity deployment from low orbit via drop pod, however.
14.) As far as I am aware, no.
15.) I fear nothing, for I am fear incarnate! However, I do feel concern at the idea dying with my duties unfulfilled.
16.) I do not see the relevance of this question to my personality. But my answer is no.
17.) Most mind-altering substances have no effect on me. However, I do not seek to find the exception; I am not a Space Wolf.
18.) At several points throughout my service to the Emperor, I suffered injuries that would've killed a mortal human several times over. However, being an Astartes, I survived, although with new scars each time. I also nearly died in a duel against an unarmored Astartes, which ended in a technical draw, during my trial of initiation to earn the honor of recruitment. (Although I was not aware of the purpose of the duel at the time.)
19.) No, although they did attempt to restrain me in the immediate aftermath of my arrival as I processed my surroundings.
20.) Not to my knowledge.
21.) True sleep is a rarity; my partner tells me I do not on the rare occasions I enter full sleep.
22.) Hopefully not. My saliva is corrosive enough to burn through metal and if I drooled at this proximity you would be in a great amount of pain.
23.) ...I would save Samuel.
24.) My power armor has waste recycling features incorporated into its systems. I also suspect that bathroom stalls would find it difficult to contain my physique.
25.) Once. My mortal sister, as a farewell before my recruitment into the Dark Angels. I did meet her again years later, but that's a story for another time.
26.) I can't remember. My mind was clouded by conflicting emotions at the time.
27.) I don't hear anything. Are you suggesting that I am suffering from Warp contamination?
28.) I did not ever attend a school; my birthplace was a Feudal world and roughly equivalent to medieval Terra in technological level.
29.) If I find that this information has been misused my retribution shall be both swift and merciless. (Sammy: Ohhh Lord...)
30.) I am indifferent. I suppose I should thank you for your time?

(This character is still in the works so some of my answers are liable to become inaccurate by the time I've finished, but all of the important character traits are set so he shouldn't change too drastically...
I might try again with my other agent later.)

1. I am Chenille, the last-- er, a rabbit-wearer taguel. My home was Fire Emblem.

2. Mary Sues, freelance. I have no partner.

3. Time is warped in this place, so I could not truly say, but twenty-four winters is close.

4. Do you mean as I am now or my animal form?

5. You mean who I am attracted to? Taguel females.

6. My kin are intelligent creatures, same as any man-spawn or sapient.

7. Taguel have fur.

8. Teeth and claws are all the weapons I need.

9. I would think not.

10. *dryly* Have you seen another taguel before?

11. Is there a reason your heart has speed up?

12. I would not say it unprovoked.

13. On a mission. Food poisoning.

14. Only those that afflict all agents.

15. I would not so easily reveal it.

16. Cross...dress?

17. Taguel do not easily come to rely upon substances.

18. *vaguely uncomfortable* I have not been to the moon yet, but it was a close thing.

19. I have been to FicPsych, but they have never restrained me before.

20. No.

21. If so, no-one has said.

22. No.

23. Whoever was closest.

24. Do you truly want to know?

25. No.

26. I repeat; no.

27. *confused* Is it odd to only hear my own?

28. What is this... school?

29. *shakes head* None.

30. *slam as the door shuts*

...eventually. I'll probably post them as responses to this; I just wanted you to know I'd seen it and was thinking about it. :) I'm currently in the middle of planning a D&D session, so I'll get around to this later.

...though, Nesh, if you want me to also do one for Farilan, just say the word. :P