Sep 2016 Archive, part b

Have a pair of cyan-tinted spectacles. They are believed to have healing powers. And if you don't mind my asking: where did your username come from? (Or is this one of those things that would be obvious if I shared any fandoms with you?)

Sorry; the more thorough newbies get with their intro-post question answering, the more questions we (or at least I) come up with. Starting conversations is fun! :)

--Key

I'm late, as always, but that's not going to stop me bidding you welcome to the PPC!

You seem to be pretty well caught up on the basics, so I'll just give you this Replica Holocron and an interdimensional compass and send you on your way.

Hope you have fun here!

Another Steven Universe and Adventure time fan. Good to meet ya!

This magic shovel digs up friendship! Don't ask how it works.

And my word was: I was going to welcome you.
So, I will.
In just a moment.
Give it a second.


...


Welcome!
My gift to you is: the entirety of dimension 45X7 Zargnon, the only alternate universe that can fit entirely inside your pocket.
Treat it well, and be careful of all the radiation!

Nice to meet you! Have fun poking around here, we're fun people. Especially on the Discord channel, IMHO.

Guess I'll have to come up with an official newbie gift at some point, but for right now I'll just hand you some fry sauce to go with those fries. (Why yes, I just have buckets of ketchup and mayo lying around. You don't?)

Please have a pot of black-hole coffee. Hope you'll enjoy your stay in the madhuse.

Glad to hear you've done all the pre-reading. Here's a big bag of fries and fry bits! I couldn't find any ketchup, sorry.

Ooooh, and you play Terraria?! Nice! How far have you gotten? Do you have a go-to boss/Dungeon-crawling strategy? I'm at the point where I can fight the Brain of Cthulhu if I want, except I REALLY don't want to until I find that meteorite biome, plus I'm not that good at staying alive in boss fights. (I think it took me like four tries to kill the Eye of Cthulhu, and then it was only by spamming flaming arrows and Enchanted Sword beams.)

Aside from one of my own shed feathers, have a replica of Rose Quartz's sword on a trophy display stand! Perfect for a call to arms when danger rears its head!

Well, you're certainly thorough. Nothing left for me to ask, really, so here's a Royal Ice Cream Container! Instructions for operating are as follows:

1. Close lid.
2. Speak desired flavor of ice cream aloud.
3. Open lid.
4. Enjoy!

Comes with all, and I mean all flavors, but don't blame me if you vomit from the Grass, Turnips, and Human Flesh combo. *Shudders.* Please, don't make that exist, for my sake. Oh, it also functions as a very effective shield. Our tests have proved that, when in direct confrontation with a nuclear bomb, the Royal Ice Cream Container wins. The ice cream isn't even radioactive afterwards. However, this particular one has a slight flaw in its magical programming. If you attempt to try Spidren-flavored ice cream, and again, I beg you, don't make that exist. It's rather disturbing to think of a human eating that. However, if you do decide to try it, when you open the lid, you'll get a vision straight from the Chamber of the Ordeal, and seriously, those suck. Ask Kel. If you don't know what either of those things are, and the phrase 'Protector of the Small' means absolutely nothing to you, then just take my word for it and don't make Spidren-flavored ice cream.

Well, make yourself comfortable and have a slice of Infinite Pizza!

Hello, and welcome aBoard! For your newbie gift, take this plate of freshly-made SPaGhetti!

Since you've already answered my usual questions, I'll just ask if you have any preferred pronouns. Hope you like it here!

Here, have this best hamster!

Here's for hoping you like it here and beat the statistics. *raises teacup*

To all those who died on that day, in the weeks following, from medical complications in the following years, and as a result of the international strife and violence that those acts of terror began.

I wish I was back at my old uni - I'd catch up with the Saudi Student Association and ask about it. But I bet there's something going on around here!

He completed another year of his life!
He merrily waltzed around the sun!
He rejoiced muchly!

My gift upon you is: genetic variation!
If you can't adapt to the heat, at least your children can!

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
MAY ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE
HOPE NOBODY MAKES YOU BLUE
AND YOUR CAKE DOESN'T EXPLODE IN GOO!

*blows noisemakers*

I'm sorry for my radio silence the last few days. I had to go to the hospital and wasn't able to get online to let you know I'm okay.

I'm back on meds again and going to see a therapist soon. I didn't mean to stir up any drama and I'm sorry for that. Just wanted to make a clean break of it... I guess that didn't work too well. But I'm doing better now. I'm sorry.

...that things get better for you. You've been a good friend to me despite my inactivity, and my email is open if you want. *hugs*

And all the luck in the world with the aftermath and the climbing out of the pit. I know it's rough, but there is a better world on the other side of the walls.

but with heartfelt feelings of concern.



hS

Darkotas here. If you don't know me, I'm one of Ixi's IRL friends and who a lot of you have been contacting. I'm just checking in right now to let you all know that she's okay. Her parents are aware of everything, and we're handling it.

If something has happened IRL that's preventing you from being a part of our community, please do take the time to resolve it. But don't put yourself down, please. You are one of the best writers and one of the nicest people we know of. And if you want the My Immortal mission to be a true legend in the PPC community, we'll help you out in any way we can.

We hope this isn't a permanent leave, but if it is, we're sorry to see you go. For now, good luck with wherever the future takes you, and follow your dreams. *salutes*

Ix, you're an amazing writer. If anyone is going to tackle My Immortal, it would have to be someone like you. You've managed to work brilliant character arcs into your missions and interludes, and I never get tired of reading your work.

From what I know, which admittedly isn't that much, you are a prime example of what the PPC is about. Poking fun at bad writing is a side story to characters interacting with each other, and you balance those two goals perfectly.

I don't know if something happened in real life, or you're just tiring somewhat of the PPC after writing so much, or if it's something else entirely. Whatever happened, though, I wish you the best of luck.

I don't know what's going on, or what's happening, or any of that, and if you ought to leave, you ought to leave. That's your choice, y'know?

But, hey.
If I could choose anyone to claim My Immortal, it would most definitely be someone like you.
Writing-wise, you're bloody brilliant. Stunning characterisation and humour, consistent updating and quality.
Hell, person-wise, you're bloody brilliant.
You interact regularly with the community, are friendly and polite to everyone, and, as someone who's never really been involved in this sort of thing before, I can say that you've been one of the best influences I could've had. Don't know if I've ever felt so welcomed in anything, ever. I don't doubt I'm the only one who feels that.

Don't know what you're going through, and if you feel this is the right decision, then go ahead, but, really, you should give yourself some credit. You deserve it.
Hope that all turns out well.

Besides, I don't even have Permission!
(Hey, that rhymes!)

What happened Ix? Please, explain why you're talking like this. And don't tell me you recently insulted someone her on the PPC, because I won't believe that.

And if another problem s getting at you, well, there is a whole community here to discuss the issues with you and solve them.

Oh, and to quote Salvation War, the two last phrases of your post are male bovine excrement. You can sure do justice to that thing, and 'people like you' are a ducking base for this community.

Please reconsider why you end up here. I'm sure the problem can be solved, whatever it is. Jutt talk about it with us.

I’m still a quite inexperienced fanfic reader and had no idea what writers can get up to, rewriting a chapter but leaving old versions of rewritten paragraphs in and still not caring for anything.

James and Saxo’s mission, though, was a delight to read. To understand their developing relationship better, I even went back and reread their previous mission. This doesn’t happen often, so you can be proud on making me doing that.

Alas, while your betas did a very good job here, I couldn’t avoid noticing some typos in that previous mission:
There is now how and why. (Should be "no".)
James chomped down on his hand and Saxo yanked it back it with a yelp. (Remove second "it".)
Do not get to comfortable, (should be "too").

(And for a brief moment, I wondered whether I should send the Uncanonical Department of Inaccuracies into "Smells of Rose aka. The Enemy of my Enemy". While it is true that Harry’s age is always the number of his Hogwarts year plus ten, eighteen year old students at Hogwarts are not impossible and not even unusual. Since Hermione’s birthday is in September, as mentioned in PoA, she turned seventeen not more than thirty days after the beginning of her sixth Hogwarts year, and was actually eighteen through most of her seventh year. But since the badfic can’t decide in which year it is set and Hermione is not supposed to be at Hogwarts for most of her seventh year – except for the final battle – I guess I can let that slip, pretending that the charge "still going to Hogwarts at the age of 18" is just oddly worded.)

HG

Man, I've really got to get on the ball with that Yoruba theology idea I spouted onto the Board ages back. =]

Foul language is not something that bothers me personally, but I understand why other people would be upset. I'm okay with the idea of using mild oaths and adult language on the Discord. Stuff like h*ll or d*mn.

I couldn't find the exact specifics for what was acceptable profanity-wise in PG movies, so I can't comment as to how effective that would be. The most common thing I saw was that "sexually-derived expletives" were considered to be more offensive, so I would suggest total restrictions on those (unless we're playing Cardgames Against Headquarters/Humanity, in which case all bets are off).

What's the best way to 'link' to it? Is there a helpful page on the Wiki explaining how to get access?

I'm thinking, for the text, of something like "For real-time chat, you can pay a visit to our [Discord channel]."

hS

I imagine anything limited to 'piss' or 'arse' ought to be fine, right?

I think it's reasonable to use the same rules that apply here on the Discord channel, which means keeping everything safe for work and kid-friendly (no cursing). That's my instinct on a community-wide level.

For me, personally? I'm a college student. I'm not personally going to be offended by foul language (most likely), but other people likely have different standards.

((See previous comments about effort. Same goes for any of my or Kaitlyn's other agents.

I'm happy for people to go hunting for Undis Closed; if I feel up to it, I'll give updates from the Nutmeg response.

And Holo-Jay and Holo-Acacia are free-to-use for now.

hS))

Right now, Marina and Richard want ... discuss with the staff of the emission. After finding them. Wherever these poor saps are hiding.

And judging from their last experience, they may find that months have passed in HQ when they finally return.

HG

It's not like my agents won't be coming, of course, but I myself have Real Life issues and especially an upcoming phone interview early next week, so I need to focus on preparing for that more than anything else. Sorry! :c

Nikki is doing her best to convince Sergio to give up his hunt for the producers, and Corolla's trying to get Keiko back to her time.

(No, really, I'm just a bit too busy to take part.)

Isn't the reason we ask newbies to name the badfic they plan to spork first so that the PGs can see that the applicant knows what makes a badfic sporkable? IIRC, people applying for Permission have been denied for choosing from the Unclaimed Badfic list, let alone adopting one that a community member with thorough knowledge of PPC missions has abandoned.

Not to mention, since Ix is back, she might want to re-claim the fic? I don't know how this would work.

--Key

OK, disclaimer: I don't even have Permission yet, so I'm certainly not a PG. Most of the constructive criticism I could offer has already been said, so I'll skip over that. I'd defer to other people who've been around longer than me and actually know what they're doing if they say that any of this is wrong.

What I can say is that there's a wonderful guide on the PPC wiki all about creating characters. I think that two of the reasons agents usually work in pairs are that (1.) it reduces the likelihood of accidentally writing a Sue/Stu, and (2.) it allows for humorous banter and more character development. Try creating a partner for Cyan and see what happens.

Beyond just going through a wiki walk about the PPC, I'd recommend reading missions and interludes done by other people, finding something you like, and thinking about why you like it. What are the agents like? How do they develop over time? Thinking about these things will help with creating your own characters and their personalities.

Hoom, hoom.

Activity: Do I know you? You've only been around for six days. The reason we usually tell people to wait a month before asking for Permission is because the PPC is a community first and foremost; we like knowing the people who want to write in the 'verse.

PPC knowledge: I think other people did my work for me, here — yours is lacking. Please read around some more.

Fic to spork: Well. It is my humble opinion that "My Immortal" (and other fics of the sort) are very hard to tackle correctly. Going for "My Immortal" for your first mission is like wanting to drive a Formula 1 race car before you even know how to switch gears.

Writing ability (technical): Your spelling is fine, but your grammar isn't. There are multiple tense shifts in your two prompts. A beta-reader isn't just for SPaG, though it's usually expected that they will comment on SPaG mistakes they find. A beta's job is to look over the story and catch the mistakes you don't; the good ones also tell you when you write nonsense, too. Based on the stuff in your prompts — yes, you need a beta. Preferably, more than one.


Writing ability (creative): Well then. The prompts are, frankly, too short to be interesting and are full of plot holes and mistakes — Granz, Larfen and HG pointed most of those out. Further, Permission prompts should be between 400 and 800 words. While this isn't a hard rule, you need a good reason to break it, and I don't see one here.

Conclusion: You need to hang around for some more time, get to know people and let the community get to know you. You need to step up your game w.r.t. knowledge of the PPC and the technical quality of your pieces. You need to use the services of a beta reader(s). Permission denied.

Now, first of all I'm no PG. Right with that out of the way, let's get down to it.

First of all the subject title, more importantly the bit in brackets '(if this fails I'll try again later)'. Now, it's good that you're not going to just give up after one try, but one of the things that is stated in the Permission article on the PPC Wiki is "7) Once you're sufficiently oriented and sure of what you want to do, post your permission request on the Board." To me, you're not sure of what you want to do, by putting those brackets in there, it says to me that you're not sure whether to do this,and you've put it out more jut because you can rather than because you want to. Also, when is later? Is it later today? Next week? Next month? I would suggest the latter, but it's not encouraging to see those brackets in the subject title.

Secondly we'll look at the first sentence "For how new I am." One of the things about getting Permission is that enough people should know you. Your introductory post is still on the first page and is less than a week old. Take some time to get to know your surroundings, and get to know everyone in this community so that they can know a bit about you.

Thirdly, onto Agent Cyan. Having played Terraria myself, I know that you can name your character's just about whatever you want, so Cyan is a fine enough name, likewise the lack of surname is no problem to me. The rest of the Basic Stuff is also OK as far as I can see. Now, the first sentence of the appearance is mostly fine, the only details I would add in, are things like length of hair, facial hair, any scars, stuff like that, otherwise that's OK.
Whilst the rest of his appearance is nice to know, I shouldn't have flick back to the Terraria Wiki every time you mention anew item to double check what it looks like. Whilst you may know what it looks like, not everyone does and "Go and look at the Terraria Wiki" is not the best response. Instead I would describe each item briefly, for example "The Flurry boots are a pair of dark blue boots with little wings at the back, they help Cyan run faster." or "The Night Vision Helmet is a grey and blue helmet that has small green visor over the wearers eyes that, obviously, helps them see in the dark.".
You could do the same with the Vortex Armor, briefly describing either the entire set, or each piece so people know what it looks like, and you can even say a bit about what it does (for those who don't know, Vortex Armor is one of the best sets of armour in Terraria, with a rather large amount of bonuses attached to it, including the ability to turn invisible and a massive bonus to ranged damage, which when combined with Phantasm, which I will talk about in a second, would potentially make Agent Cyan able to go toe to toe with most Sues at range). As I said in the brackets, Phantasm, I would of personally put it in its own little subcategory called "Weapons" and then, like everything else from Terraria described it a bit more, so something like "Phantasm is a mystical, grey-coloured bow with blue crystals poking out of it. It has the ability to fire fours arrows for every arrow the user loads into it. In addition every time an arrow from Phantasm hits a target an additional barrage of arrows is fired from Phantasm for no cost."

Now, just from what I've talked about above, I want to make an extra point here. To most people, the way you've described Cyan's appearance makes it sound like whilst he is on missions he swaps his Flurry Boots and Night Vision Helmet out for the corresponding bits of Vortex Armour, whilst this is true for the Night Vision Helmet, Flurry Boots, are what is called an accessory in Terraria, this means that they are worn alongside the Armour, which when combined with everything else makes Cyan rather OP even when compared to some of the ex-Sue Agents (and hell even some Sues).

For almost the rest of the Permission request I'm simply going to say I agree with Granz, because a) I agree with him b) he posted here first and I don't feel like copying and c) he's put it better than I ever would.

There is, however, one more point I would like to look at, that being Cyan's History. His history sounds more like something to come out of Starbound than Terraria, and whilst in some ways they are similar, Starbound is its own Continuum with its own story etc. So, having checked all the patch notes etc, I can't work out how a) Cyan helped build/built the rocket, there's nothing in the current game that suggest such a thing is even possible and b) where the other Terrarians came from, unless you mean the Town NPC's, although it doesn't make sense for some of them to be on a rocket. Whilst yes it is possible to get into 'space' in Terraria, it is much more like the space near the planet than anything else (you can also breathe in that space, who knew?). Also we don't know where the Vortexians come from, given they seem to appear with the Moon Lord (implying they potentially come from Terraria's moon), but we don't know so the planet idea may be correct.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say with regard to the above paragraph is that, whilst it can be hard to come up with ways to get your Agent from their Home Continuum to the PPC HQ, they've also got to be believable, and in some ways recognizable from the canon viewpoint too. For example if I wanted to get a Terraria Character to the PPC I would say that during a fight with the Moon Lord (Imagine Cthulu's brother, non-Terraria people) my character accidentally fell through a portal left by the death of a Vortexian, and ended up in the PPC HQ... for example.

Storme Hawk
Who hopes this helps, and is terribly sorry for any SPaG problems in the above post.

P.S I would recommend looking at the Permission article on the PPC wiki and doing the Permission Self Check that is linked there.
P.P.S One handy link: http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Permission

the Marquis de Sod will probably turn down your job application for multiple reasons, but that is not for me to decide. I have to deal with just one minor issue; keeping the shared multiverse consistent is hard work and requires lots of research. You need to work on your knowledge of PPC canon:

1. There is no Mini-Aragog Adoption Center in PPC HQ.
   
2. There is a Mini Adoption Center, but you will not find any Mini-Aragogs there.
   
3. Mini-Aragogs are supposed to work at the Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy as security staff or manufacturing Bleeprin. Adoption of Mini-Aragogs who are not needed there must be arranged with Miss Brin or the appropriate member of HFA’s staff.
   
4. The PPC’s Mini Adoption Center exists only as a temporary home for Minis who cannot be sent to the Official Fanfiction University for their respective canon because the Canon Protection Initiative is not aware of such an University existing.

Sincerely yours,

The Snowdrop, Inofficial Head of Department, Uncanonical Department of Inaccuracies

but, you don't think you want to spend a wee bit more time developing the fellow?

I have a few problems, here, if you'd like to hear them.

The personality needs some development. I mean, take a look at what we can acquire, here.
Enthusiastic, outgoing, non-specifically imaginative (everybody comes up with new ideas to terminate Sues and Stus as they go,) and disliking a long series of things everyone dislikes (except for things larger than them. I'm, personally, fine with those sorts of entities.)
A great bit of advice I heard from someone somewhere about characterisation is: can you imagine what he's doing on his time off? What he's doing outside the stories?
The more clear the image you have, the better characterised it probably is.
You could also afford to be more specific with things. Why does he like what he likes? Why does he dislike what he dislikes? Why does he bother to be imaginative, or outgoing? Why does he feel so much responsibility for fixing canons? Why did he join the PPC?

In addition, his history and personality don't really seem to jibe, and, if they do, you haven't given enough explanation for how.
When I am presented with the concept of a person who has been trapped on an escape pod alone for five years, with nothing else to go on but my own assumptions, I immediately assume this person:
- Wants to go home.
- Is not remotely socially well-adjusted.
- Doesn't care about the state of any canons.
- Will probably not be looking for any job prospects.
You know what I mean?

I've not gone into the prompts, or anything like that, though, I could probably find some time to take a look if you'd like.
Anyway, those're my permission giver-less thoughts.
Good luck with the permission and agents and whatnot!

is that you're not quite ready. Now, I'm no PG, but I'll tell you what I think.

In terms of just general advise, first, you're rather new. It's been less than a week since you've introduced yourself, and we'd like to be sure you're not gonna go poof, and just get to know you, see what you're like.

Second, get a beta. I've got three lined up, even if I've only really worked in-depth with one, and trust me, they're a gift from God, Allah, [Insert appropriate name of higher power here], or random chance, whatever you believe or don't believe in. They're incredibly helpful, and not just for SPaG. They help you with characterization, plot, and, well, just about everything! I know that my prompts and bios would be ten times worse without Larfen around.

Now, on to your pieces. Let's start with length of the pieces, since that's really what stood out to me at first glance. The longer one is only 247 words, and the shorter one is only 198. Honestly, they're too short for me to really get a feel for Cyan or your writing style. I'd make them longer, especially since not only do they feel short, when you look at them, the length makes them see a little hasty.

Talking about Cyan, I know nothing about Terraria, so I won't comment on the name, and if he's supposed to be human, the description's alright, though wearing the exact same outfit every day might get a little weird if you don't give a reason. Also, why does he wear armor? It seems like something he wouldn't really need, given that most of the time, direct combat with Sues is at least a Bad Idea, if not a Very Bad Idea.

Now, as for personality, he seems like he's the kind of person who gets lost in his head sometimes. Is that on purpose? If it's not, consider the kind of impression you give of your characters with your words. However, other than that and his likes and dislikes, I can't really get much of him from this. Surely there's a bit more you know about him you'd like to tell us. Additionally, just because it's in the same area, the flow would probably be improved if you changed 'goes. Usually' to 'goes, usually'.

I don't have much to say about his powers. Hammerspace seems like it could be used for comedic effect, and half the agents pick up bags or something that work just like it anyways. For an example, see Valon Vance's vest. I would like to know what he can do with his mana, or just what kind of spells Terraria has in general, but that's not too important. The biggest problem is his knowledge. I don't quite know how living in a video game would give him knowledge of its mechanic. To make a comparison, before the PPC, most D&D agents wouldn't know about things like skill points, unless they're from OotS, and they certainly wouldn't know, say, Costume Fairies, which I believe Data started a RP for.

As for his history, as I said, I don't know anything about Terraria, so I wouldn't be able to comment on how the space measures up, but I would like to know why his pod didn't return to the planet. Even saying something as simple as 'There was a malfunction in the pod's guidance system, so instead of returning to Terraria like it was supposed to, it ended up randomly drifting off into space,' could improve it vastly. Speaking of space, how did he survive? How long was he up there? A week? A year? Details, details. They're very important.

I'm also a little unsure how he managed to pass through so many plotholes with so great an interval between them. I'd understand if he only passed through one, and showed up in, say, Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha, and maybe got shoved through another plothole to another continuum before finally arriving in the PPC, or if he fell through several plotholes in quick succession, but the way it's presented doesn't quite make sense. Furthermore, does he interact with canons, or just wander around the worlds? Maybe use the word 'continuum' so that we can tell whether you're talking about characters or series. Also, if it's the second, why? Why not just set him loose to wander the wide, wide world of the continuum? Logically, he probably wouldn't even find them, especially in a continuum with many continents, dimensions, planets, etc., and without easy means of getting between the multiple continents, dimensions, planets, etc.

Now, I think the bit about Mary Sues is interesting. Personally, I think it'd be really cool if, say, a Mary Sue randomly showed up and started using his new friends as bit characters to be disposed of once she got to the canons, and he got angry at her warping their minds and told her to stop, and one thing leads to another and she's dead by his hands, and a pair of very confused PPC agents are now wondering why their Sue is dead, but the Words don't dictate it and they didn't kill her. Oh, and a minor thing, I believe you meant in, rather than on, as nobody's really sure what the outside of HQ looks like, even Xericka.

Now, something I'm wondering about is why you decided only to use one agent. Two is the norm, because it's very useful. Partners do things like restrain each other, express the full range of reasons that PPCers get mad at badfic without being inserts, which are, of course, not always bad, and help provide some interaction between characters to make things more interesting. This isn't to say that one isn't possible, but think long and hard about it before you decide on it.

So, since we've gotten through your agent, let's address your first prompt. In the second sentence, I believe you meant jobs instead of job, since they all do different jobs, but otherwise, I like the opening. However, I don't know why Cyan is being sent into a mission without any training. Do the Flowers occasionally randomly drop somebody who literally has no experience whatsoever into a badfic? Yes. Do they drop teams into badfic without making sure that at least one of them knows the continuum in question, and at least one has some experience? No. They're understaffed, and so while they have a tendency to overwork their agents, they do try to make sure that they'll survive their first mission, and do it properly. Even if he doesn't have an official partner, you could draft, say, Luxury into your mission, and have her show him the ropes. Of course, she'll try to do it in more ways than one, but maybe he'd enjoy that.

In terms of description, I'd say it's fine, though you might want to spread it out a little, but I'd say that's relatively low priority and probably based on opinion. However, I did notice here that you switched between past and present tense, then back again, but it's not too jarring.

I'm not sure how he knows that Wednesday is the day the Cafeteria serves real food, since he's only been there for one day. Perhaps he has had some training?

Uh oh. We've got a bit of a spacial distortion here. How does he hear his Console from all the way in the Cafeteria? His RC should be x units of distance away from the Cafeteria, whereas x is proportional to the amount of attention somebody walking from the Cafeteria to that particular RC is paying to getting where they're going. And again, wasn't he just in the Cafeteria? Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, you forgot to capitalize 'Cafeteria' in your second paragraph. Anyways, he's supposed to be in the Cafeteria, not his RC. Perhaps you meant that he was just getting ready to leave for the Cafeteria from his RC?

You spend a little too little time describing his preparations, I think, especially since how somebody gets ready for something can tell you something about them, and since we don't really know Cyan, this is a good place to give us some indirect characterization.

The banana peel... honestly, it kind of falls flat. It's a little too matter-of-fact, not quite absurd enough, and, well, cliché. Additionally, agents actually have to set up the portals, and describing them doing so is important, because it means that they're moving from place to place, not just teleporting for... some reason.

Get the advice of somebody who knows mountains for this. I couldn't tell you anything about this, either, but I do think it only taking a few minutes to fall down a mountains is a tad unrealistic. A hill, yes, but a mountain, no.

Hmm... not necessarily a bad ending, though, again, maybe talk about him getting up and dusting himself off? I'd say the weakest part of this is that you spend too little time on describing events, so it's almost like an audiobook CD that keeps skipping forwards ten seconds and leaving you wondering what just happened.

Okay, so on to the second prompt. The first paragraph appears to be setting up something dramatic, and so seems a little short, but it's not too bad. The last sentence feels a little redundant, but it could certainly be worse.

Here, I actually kind of laughed. That is pretty funny, though I'm not quite sure why Cyan's talking to the replacement in the first place. Additionally, it's an important step on the road to characterization. Dialogue is important, dear... uh... Okay, I admit it, I don't actually know what your name means, so I'll just say dear newbie.

My Immortal, huh? That's ambitious of you, and while ambition's not necessarily a bad thing, maybe try one or two regular missions before you tackle something that horrendous? We'd hate to lose somebody to actual insanity, you see.

I'm not quite sure how the RA malfunctioning leads to "Tom" getting into HQ. Note: I'm not mocking your use of the name Tom. I'm mocking the fact that this replacement dares to try and make one associate it with Lord Voldemort.

Wait, who? Who's this Redigit? Why does Cyan expect him? Is he an agent? A Mini? A banana? Come on, give us some clues! Oh, and consider having "Tom" at least snarl in reply, or something. Surely he's got something to say in response to Cyan's comment.

Hours? Um... I'm not sure either character would really be able to run for hours, unless you're meaning to imply that it was only really a couple minutes, but HQ's messing with his sense of time.

The chase music thing might be funny. Does his music player play situationally appropriate music all the time? Or just when he really, really needs it to shut up?

Here, we've- oh, wait, we have a switch from past to present tense. Again, problem, but easily fixed, just change a few verbs. But, as I was saying, there's this thing about beelines and HQ. They don't mix. The harder you try to get somewhere in HQ, the more it will twist and turn to keep you from getting where. The best was of getting anywhere is usually to sing, dance, or determinedly not think about pink elephants. Note: That last one is only useful if you're not actually trying to find pink elephants, and/or the IO isn't listening to your brain.

It's just the Mini Adoption Center, actually, and while dumping a character in there and letting all the minis shred them might be a good idea, I get the feeling the people inside the place would get rather annoyed at your for doing that.

Shouldn't he know that LV's not arachnophobic? After all, he is supposed to have read the books, and that... thing... that was recently published, so that he can properly note all the charges in the fic. Oh, and where's your dialogue tags? You might want to at least use one.

Again, a lack of description here really puts a dent in my enjoyment of this. Details, details, details! You could get three or four paragraphs at least out of that, and make them absolutely hysterical. And, last new thing, agents are supposed to stay and make sure the characters die, so that they don't, say, pop back at an inconvenient moment later in the fic and do something horrible to the agents, and so that the Flowers don't yell at them.

In conclusion, I'd say that before you do anything else, you should work on adding more descriptions about actions and the environment, and get a beta. If you do those two things, I'd say that the problems I have will vanish, just like ninjas who use smoke bombs. Oh, and I know I said that I wouldn't add anything new, but I must ask, what RC number do you intend to use?

So there used to be - might still be? - an alarming habit among people who purportedly believed in astrology of tweaking people's birth-dates and -times to give them more favorable charts. This also applied when choosing a 'birthdate' for people you don't actually know it for.

Well, as it happens, I don't know precisely when the PPC was founded. But I do know that its chart should absolutely feature Uranus in the 7th house (ie, that it's a group built around partnership), which will form a trine with the sun in the 11th house (ie, that the whole core of the setting is friendship). So when do we have to have been 'born' for that to happen?



June 15th, 2002! (That's a little late for the actual founding of the PPC, so maybe it's the date of our reappearance after Harpwire was deleted. Or it could be the founding of the Board!)

And what an auspicious natal chart we fake get. The combination I mentioned exists (obviously), but we also have Uranus forming a square (stressful!) with Mercury in the 10th house. That means the whole partnership thing is stressed by the agents' love of canon - that is, missions are a strain! Uranus is also in opposition to the moon, over in the 1st house - that means an emotional centre is reinforcing the whole partnership scheme.

Nor is that the only interaction of the moon. The emotional heart of the PPC is in a sextile with Saturn in the 11th house - yes, those emotions are drawn from and feeding into a combination that literally comes out as 'working friendships' - an excellent description of the PPC! Saturn is opposed by Pluto in the 4th house, which can be described as 'change at home' - certainly something that happens to our agents!

Elsewhere, Mercury's love of canon sits in a sextile with a curious factor: Venus in the 12th house, suggesting the self-negation of love. Can there be any better description of a Mary-Sue? We all know that encountering a Suvian only strengthens our love for canon.

All in all, this chart paints a picture of canon-loving agents, close friends with their partners but stressed out, fighting against Suvians and an unusual, transformative home. Moreover, it tells us that we all absolutely love it.

---

And that is why astrology is such a nifty gimmick. If you know the person (or organisation!) you're writing about, you can pretty much turn anything into an accurate horoscope for them. Like Tarot, runes, and whatever that thing's called where you throw crystals around and look for patterns, you get out whatever you choose to put in.

hS

Traditional signs in the inner ring, accurate ones in the outer.

---

Okay, simple rundown of astrology as I understand it:

-The dial is split into the various zodiac signs. It's also split into 12 Houses, starting at the 9 o'clock position on the dial and counting anticlockwise.
-Which house a planet is in determines what it affects. Which sign a planet is in affects how strong it is (basically).
-The angles between planets (around the centre of the circle) can intensify their effects.

The houses and angles won't change between my traditional and IAU-approved charts; the signs will, which Could Be Critical! Let's take a look.

The sun is in the fourth house. It forms a sextile (60 degree angle) with Mars, and is in conjunction with Venus. Exciting! A Sun-Venus conjunction is favourable! Now the fourth house is the house of Home and Family, so that means I'll have a good home-life, with strong influences from myself (the Sun represents the self, basically) and... well Venus is harmony, comfort, and romance. So yeah, happy marriage. ;)

The sextile with Mars indicates that both the sun and Venus will have easy communication with that planet, which represents confidence, ambition, strength (and also sexuality, oh stars my horoscope wants to be porn!). Mars is poking about in the second house, the house of Value (yes, as in money). So either my job will help with a happy marriage, or Mars wants me to sell nude pictures. No, Mars. There shall be none of that.

So that's all fixed. Coming now to the signs, we find that the Sun and Venus have moved from Capricorn to Sagittarius, while Mars has moved from Scorpio to Libra. Oh dear, poor Mars! It has moved from dignity to detriment - its strength is reduced by moving from a sign it rules to a sign it's opposed to. Haha, Mars, there shall be no porn for you. I should also highlight that the planets of self and love have moved from the sign of cautious action to the sign of enthusiastic flexibility, while the planet of strength has moved from inflexible empathy (???) to dynamic communication. So, uh, now I'm in PR?

Okay, moving on. How many planets are left? ... seven? Good grief. Okay.

Let's go from the sun to the moon. The Moon is in the seventh house, the house of Partnerships - yes, we're sticking with the marriage theme! It forms a square with Pluto (in Home and Family), and a trine with Uranus (in the third house, Communication). Okay! So, the Moon is my emotions, and is saying they'll be key in how I interact with people. Pluto is transformative, and the square means there's stress between my emotional interactions with others, and my... need to change at home, I think? Meanwhile, Uranus - the planet of genius - says I'm good at talking to people, particularly in my childhood and other small-scale stuff. Um, Uranus, you are a lying liar. Oh, and the trine with the moon means that my easy friendships will be a source of artistic talent.

How about the signs? The moon has slipped from Aries to Pisces, Pluto from Capricorn to Sagittarius, and Uranus from Sagittarius to - oh yes, it's there - Ophiuchus. All of which means... absolutely nothing regarding rulership, as far as I can tell. It does mean that my emotions have gone from enthusiastic action to emotional adaptability, which is... probably good? Frankly, I think the moon is just talking gibberish at me; it hasn't said anything that makes sense. Unlike Mars, which at least had a plan going in.

Speaking of Pluto, it's in a sextile with Mars - yes, the porn Mars. So I think that means they're ganging up on me. Mars says 'make money from sexuality', Pluto says 'you need a change at home' - yep, I'm being bullied by my horoscope.

What else is significant in here? Ooh, Neptune is in a sextile with Mercury, that looks like fun! So Neptune says my Home and Family life (yeah, my sign is heavily interpersonally-loaded) is going to be harmonius and prosperous, and possibly socialist, and that there's harmony between that and the fact that I value (second house) education/rationality (Mercury). I'm Huinesoron and I approve this message. ^_^

Sign-wise, Neptune makes the now-familiar jump from Capricorn to Sagittarius, with no obvious consequences (I'm now resourceful in my socialism, though!), while Mercury skips over Libra entirely and jumps from Scorpio to Virgo. Ooh, Mercury is the ruler of Virgo! That means my valuing education is intensified, and I'm going to become a scientist. WHO KNEW.

One more sextile, between Jupiter and Uranus. We know Uranus thinks I'm a genius at communication; Jupiter is perched in the fifth house, the House of Pleasure (oh stars, tell me it hasn't been chatting to Mars!). Jupiter is also partly the planet of pleasure, but also of exploration and the law. I... think that all comes together to mean I'm going to be really good at talking to my children and helping them expand their horizons? Maybe? But with Jupiter crossing from its rule of Pisces to - oh no! - its fall in Capricorn, apparently not that good.

There's more that could be said; I haven't even mentioned Saturn, which is hanging out with Uranus in the Third House telling me I'm super-productive when chatting to people. But I think we've seen enough to draw some conclusions:

-My horoscope super wants me to have a family.
-The shift in signs means I'm going to be a bad dad now.
-Mars and Pluto want me to get into porn.

That was fun!

hS

At least in the sidereal system. Was a Virgo, am still a Virgo. By the tropical system, I'm a libra, but meh. Kanaya is very much my patron troll. (Terezi is adorable but not really me.)

http://www.snopes.com/ophiuchus-zodiac-change/
Sorry,but it's not a real thing.

I went from the fish to the thing that the fish is supposed to swim in.
Hello, existential crisis!

I mean, I was listed as an Ox by the Chinese Zodiac, so it's not too much of a shock, but still. :/

Missed the cutoff by two days! Looks like I'm now Aries.

In other words: was an Aquarius, now a Capricorn.

I thought there were only twelve signs to the zodiac. What gives?

Also, it seems that I got shifted to the newcomer's sign: once Sagittarius, now Serpentarius.

I'm a Scorpio, but the new chart says Virgo.

Not that I care.

Weird. Also, source please?

I'm no longer a Leo; looks like I'm a Cancer now.

Side note: There's a hilarious Jon Stewart bit about this, although it may be a bit NSFW. It is Stewart, after all, and there's a tattoo in a... sensitive place involved.

Here it is, in all its glory!

Small question though. Who will be the new Gold Saint for Ophiucus?

"Pursuing My True Self"... I can't help but see Marina in my mind. For some reason, all those mentions of technology really reminds me of how she short-circuts stuff.

"It's My Turn" - now here's a twist. I see this as a negative song. This is a Suethor (any Suethor) being blind to concrit and thinking they're perfect and don't need to develop.

Hmm... I honestly can't figure out anyone for the third one, so I'm just going to leave it. Sorry :P



Now for my picks! I've got four:

"I'm Odd", a removed song from Alice in Wonderland.
"Perfect World", from Emperor's New Groove.
"Mr. Pinstripe Suit", by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy (Yes, I used that before, but whatever :P).
"Poor Unfortunate Souls", from The Little Mermaid (metal cover by Jonathan Young).

Total Donated (grains): 62,390
Total Donated (metric): 1,299.792 grams (3 d.p.)
Total Donated (imperial): 2.866 pounds (3 d.p.)
Total Donated (adult humans fed for a day): 3

Members: 12
Average Donation per Member: 5,199.2 grains

Top 5 Members:-
#1: Scapegrace (40,000)
#2: Iximaz (8,430)
#3: Akrinor (4,480)
#4: Huinesoron (3,860)
#5: Mattman The Comet (2,260)

Global group ranking (This Week): #55
Global group ranking (All Time): #6424

---

Congratulations to everyone! I'd particularly like to thank Akrinor, one of the Board's newbies, for showing up and consistently contributing so much. We've done a lot of good already. Let's keep going. =]

-I suck at famous quotes.
-I suck at literature.
-I am kind of rubbish at World Landmarks, not getting much above level 3/10.
-I am worryingly good at the German I haven't studied since 2008 - I hit level 10/10 (briefly, but I did).
-Most alarmingly of all, I'm apparently really good at guessing the artists of famous paintings. As in, I've never seen the paintings before, but go 'oh, that looks like a Monet', or 'that looks English, must be Turner'. I think I got to halfway through the levels before it turned into 'I have no idea who any of those are'. (My favourite: 'that looks evil, must be- yep, it's Bosch'.)

hS

I even made an account in... first year university, I believe. I still have it, and even remember the login, so... *dons the mantle of Brightshadow--name changes are apparently impossible--and prepares to duel play*

~DF

If you have an adblocker enabled, disable it for FreeRice since they pay for the rice in the first place through ad revenue.

I would be *delighted* to beta some SWTOR fanfic, though I will note that I haven't yet completed all the plotlines. I'd be most helpful if it's to do with the Inquisitor, the Warrior, or KotFE. (And I'm trying to avoid stuff about Agents, since I know they have Plot Twists.)

But if it's not about an Agent, I'd be happy to lend assistance!

I can beta for that series, I like to think I know Skyrim pretty well (as well as TES in general). Can't help with any of the others, though.

Since you're betaing for one of my fics (and no, it is not dead), it would be remiss for me not to return the favor.

I can help with the PPC prelude (of course), and I happen to have played a Pokemon Ranger game (though not Shadows of Almia specifically; IIRC, I played the very first Pokemon Ranger game).

Normally I'd say something like, "Come on in, grab a seat by the fire, set your sanity by the door," but as I'm four days late you've probably already figured all that out.

Anyway, here's a Replica Holocron and a Steampunk airship as your newbie gifts. And yes, I do mean an entire airship. Full size. Don't worry, the hangar's paid up until the end of the century, so you've got plenty of time to find a crew for it.

Oh, one more thing, what House are you in?

It doesn't seem anyone's asked you... Which characters did you get seriously invested in? What are your favorite spinoffs?

And my gift to you is a nonexistent turquoise feather. I suspect you will be able to make good use of it. :)

Please have a pot of black-hole coffee, and a good stay, here in the madhouse.

This magic shovel digs up...

OHMYGOD SHINY OwO

... uh, right, it digs up gems.

Glad you found your way to us. Here are three bottles of Bleeprin (trust me, you'll need it) and some popcorn to eat while you finish reading the Original Series and whichever spinoffs strike your fancy! :)

Cyan here, to welcome the first newbie of the day! Have a compilation of SBaHJ comics! It's .jpeg-tastic!

Welcome, welcome! Make yourself comfortable and have a slice of Infinite Pizza!

Welcome, Akrinor, High Ruler of the Garbazions of Zognon 4. We, at the PPC, salute your most-high presence on our most insignificant planet of earth.

We present to you, our most holy artefact: a telly-vish-on ray-mote. It produces telepathic beams, allowing you to communicate mentally with our telly-vish-on technology, with naught but the press of a button!

Welcome, High Ruler!

Here, have this best hamster, and a nice bit of music.

Have a disappearing kitten!

Have one of my own shed feathers, a pen that turns into a celestial bronze sword, and a Golden Snitch with a Poke Ball engraving!

I hope you enjoy your time acknowledged by the rest of The Board! Here's a Coppermind, to store all the memories you'll make here. Otherwise, what are your preferred pronouns? I'm never sure what to call people here. I'll see you around, I guess.

*Hides Frozen Claymore*

Hello, and welcome aBoard! For your newbie gift, take this plate of freshly-made SPaGhetti!

You've answered my usual questions, so I'll just say I hope you like it here. :)

Hope ya have fun here!

For my newbie gift, I present to you an urple ocarina, complete with wilver earmuffs to block out the noise. =]

May I ask what your fandoms are? I'm into LotR, Narnia, Worm, and quite a few others.

-Alleb

As my usual message of invitations to seats by the fire and instructions to leave yout sanity on the hat rack are surely redundant by now, I'll just skip straight to the newbie gifts, a Replica Holocron a silver decorated vortex manipulator. You'll need a teleport basecode to fix it, but until then, at least it looks cool.

Anyway, hope you enjoy your stay here!

Have a... erm, here , have this freshly brewed cup of Earl Grey

welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcomewelcomewelcomewelcwelcoewcwelcwelc -

Oh. Hi, there!
Pardon me for the welcowelcowelcoweclwe -
Er.
Pardon me for the greeting issue, we've had quite the newbie load, as of late.
You know how it is. Neurons and such. I'm sure you'd understand.

I gift upon ye: the sound of nothing.
Listen real close. Reeeeeal close. Trust me, it's there. You have to focus, hard.

Let me give you these black-hole chocolates. Hope you'll enjoy this madhouse and will stay for a while.

Please have this best hamster and a bit of music.

I think the rest of the boarders have already given all the questions that are supposed to be asked, so I'll just tell you to avoid falling through ice, and give you this saxe.

*pulls out his best Oprah wig*

You get a newbie! And you get a newbie! AND YOU GET A NEWBIE!

Welcome, welcome! Make yourself comfortable and have this slice of Infinite Pizza!



So, Doctor Who, Uncle Rick's works, and Rangers even? Oh, I like where this is going! :D

This magic shovel digs up cosplay! Enjoy dressing up as all your favorite characters.

Your partner has very good taste. :) Here's a bucket of popcorn to eat while you read all the Important Stuff on the homepage (or to throw at Sues if you've read it already) and a small black notebook. Perfect for scribbling observations, charge lists, and mad theories in :P

*pokes Ix, glomping back, and pokes Mattman bemusedly*
Hey guys, and thanks for the warm welcome. I prefer male pronouns, and appreciate your asking. Actually, I'm actually quite familiar with Ix's work, and I'll be sure and check out Sergio Turbo as well. Thanks for the recs!

My fandoms are legion, for they are many, but a good representative sample'd probably include Doctor Who, Stargate (SG-1 and Atlantis, 'cause who cares about Universe?), Sherlock (in his multifarious forms, both Benedict and Brett), the Monstrumologist series, the Riordanverse, Ranger's Apprentice, and anything related to the Pirates of the Caribbean series.

Hey there newbie. Hope you have fun.

Welcome aboard! Have an Awesome-Day-In-A-Jar, just pop the lid and you are guaranteed to have a good day! No Scam At All!

If you want to get some further reading in check out Iximaz's and Sergio Turbo's works. And stay tuned! Someone, sometime soon, may be partaking in taking out My Immortal.

Welcome aBoard! Here's your fresh plate of SPaGhetti!

What are your fandoms?

And this time, I'm early enough to ask a Standard Question!

First, welcome. We're glad to have you. Second, what are your preferred pronouns? We don't want to presume, after all. People will continue showering you with newbie gifts soon.

So many new recruits lately omg! May I ask what fandoms you're in (so people can send you fandom-specific welcome gifts and get to know you in general)?

For now, have one of my own shed feathers and a complimentary kit of Spikes!

I don’t know about Metahumans and Nobodies, but I can relate. And I realize now that Androia is far too enthusiastic about the Hunger Games. Given her backstory, she should freak out when she realizes what the event generator does to the tributes. Luckily, she never stayed in a game long enough to feel forced out of character.

Finally, Gremlin smiled let out a quiet half-chuckle.
I guess there’s an "and" misssing.

HG

That's pretty goooood.

Proper well-delivered angst, right there. Never been afraid of going mad before, myself, but it was still relatable.

Ye don't even have something piratical to say, ye landlubber? For shame! We'll have ye walking the poop deck and swabbing the plank ere nightfall!

To my shame, me hearties, I completely forgot about this here day until evening, when I heard it on that new-fangled radio machine. So, uh, giddy-up, yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rhum!

hS

PS: "But Captain Huinesoron, why are you doing it when TLaPD is over?" Because I think I actually joined the PPC on TLaPD back in 2003; it's certainly the first thing I remember seeing on the Board. So, fond associations. Yarr!

A wee bit late, but better late than never, aye?

Geez, you take a couple days off from the Board to work and people try to do the census without you.

Had to skip a few bits, though. My memory's awful.

I want to get it filled out, but I also have to manage my time (homework and stuff). And I don't want it to suddenly be over while I'm in the middle of working on it :/

--Key was almost done when her computer crashed

Do I get a Shine Sprite now?

Link to the results, if it works.

As survey guest of honour (well, guest-star, same thing) and pavement-conspiracy solver, I accept the anonymous nomination of myself as God-Emperor. My first (and only) commandment is: be excellent to each other.

hS

Oh, never mind- I get to talk about me.

I see you've taken over from July.

With a completion, just in case.

Ilraen and Farilan meet in DoSAT and things spiral out of control. Ilraen/Farilan/[spoilers]

---

Nume had sent Ilraen to DoSAT for a new CAD because they'd broken their last one recently and Nume didn't feel like going anywhere. When he god there, he noticed Farillan, who was trying to reassemble something. <Um ... hi>, Ilraen said hesidantly

Farilan turned some of her eyes, which had been focused on her work, towards Ilraen, surprised. <Hello.>, she said <What are you doing here?>

<Ah ... my partner needed a replacement CAD. He sent me to get one.>

<How fortunate, I have almost repaired this one.>

<I think he specified a new CAD, and not any of the "junk ones that are held together with duct tape". My partner is ... rather demanding.>

<Humans.>, Farillan grumbled. While she was wandering over to get a new CAD from the bin, she asked <How is your repair project going?>

<Poorly, I'm afraid. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers.>

<Of course.>

Farilan looked at Ilraen. Really looked. And she realized he was a very handsome Andalite. She was taken aback for a moment, and then added: <I could also give you some pointers about other things, as well.>

<If you are referring to what I think you are, then I would certainly appreciate those pointers. I haven't had much opportunity to learn about such things.>

<I've found that, in such matters, a practical approach is best.> After Farilan said this, she strode over to Ilraen and jumped his bones. They started having a really good time on a lab bench. Makes-Things wouldn't mind, they figured, since the place was already a big mess.

While they were banging in a surprisingly empty lab, Amris floated in. He hadn't been looking for DoSAT, he'd just stumbled in. He noticed the two Andalites and could feel their minds slamming into each other just as their bodies were. He asked "Are you telepaths? Because if you are, I'd like to join in." Internally, he thought "It's been a while since I've gotten laid. There's not much around here I can hook up with, except maybe the Flowers, who are total prudes. Big let down."

<Uh ... Sure>, both of the Andalites replied, with a slight echo. Ilraen added <but I'm not sure how that would work. You don't seem to have, er, well ...>

"It's not a problem," Amris replied. "Drone sex is a meeting of the minds, after all."

Having said this, Amris joined Ilraen and Farilan in relieving some tension.

(A/N: I'm not good at sex scenes, so I wrote around those. Also, Ilraen and Farilan are such a cute couple!!! Amris is here because it felt too short lol)

(( OOC: I am aware that some elements of this might contradict Culture canon. I don't care. This is the badfic games, after all. ))

Chapter One
Somewhere in Personnel...
"I still say getting booted to Personnel was unfair," ex-Agent Kara grumbled from behind a stack of paperwork. "I was trying to help!"

"By burying both of your coworkers, several interns, Agent Cooper, Agent Jack, and Luxury in hot sand up to their necks?" asked Quen. The secretary didn't do punishment detail, which was why the Marquis had called it "training a new hire and undersecretary."

Kara finished two files and shrugged. "It's supposed to be good for your circulation and pores. I did everything right, too. I passed out flyers, I got consent from everyone, I had Mittens and the RMC warn people about my powers so no one would scream, I made sure I didn't overdo it--"

"I notice 'telling the Flowers' doesn't appear in your list of precautions," the alien girl deadpanned.

Thud went Kara's head onto her desk, scattering paperwork. "Uuuuggggh. Mom was right. I never should've left Sunagakure."

"Someone would have killed you if you hadn't left."

"I'm already dead. This is payment for my crimes." Kara picked her head back up and put the completed files in her outbox. "Seriously, how many people work here, anyway? Counting the ones who don't go on missions?"

"You know, I don't think anyone's ever done the math on that," said Quen thoughtfully. "But no one's done the math on how many crewmen there are on the Enterprise, either."

"The what?" asked Kara, finishing three more files and picking up three more her headdesk had scattered.

Quen did a double-take. "You...you've never heard of the Enterprise?"

"Should I have?" said Kara.

"Er...no...?"

Kara shrugged again and passed the next week's cafeteria menus to the alien. "So, no big deal."

The girls were silent for a minute before Kara spoke up again. "There's one other thing I don't understand."

"Yes?"

"Why did Luxury show up when I never invited her, and how come I didn't notice her until Cooper screamed? Is she a ninja too?"

Now it was Quen's turn to headdesk. Repeatedly.

"What? It's a fair assumption!"


Author's note: Yay, comedy fic! Please review so I have a reason to write more about Kara's (not-) adventures!

S oI just wantd to sho the bestets most canin ship in the POC, so I hope you liek!

~~~

Ix relaxed in her RC reading a book.

And then suddenly, Charloote burst in the door! “HEY IX I GOT A PRESENT FOR U!”

Ix looked up from her book. “What prestnt? It’s not my brithday.

And then Charlotte bounded up superfast and kissed her. “It’s meeeeeeeee!”

“Butbutut your a vampire1 How am I supposed to do lovey things with w vamirpe from Tsilight/“

“Simple! First we” And teh rest of thes convo was sencored by the Folating Hyacitnh, becuase its TOO SEXY 4 TV

And Ix just blushed and blusehd and bleushd the lgoner ang longr Charlotte talked and seid “Can we jst kiss 4 now? Yore the best girl ever butI dutn thing I’m ready for all the stuff yuo talkin about.”

“KISSING IS COOL”

And then there aws lots of huggnig and skising.

((What is wrong with me. I do ship this, but not quite to this extent =P))

A/N: I was reading the PPC hunger games, and I was inspired to write a fic about Peregrin being badass and setting stuff on fire. Also, does anyone know a good beta?

---

Agent Peregrin was on a mission with some pyros because he was better at making bombs than most of the department. He didn't transfer, though, because he thought DoGA were wimps. The world was twisted into brain-breaking shapes by an uncanonical forest. Peregrin couldn't stand it, so he charged in with his flamethrower. The other agents tried to hold him back, yelling "We don't even have most of the charges!", but Peregrin didn't care. He just wanted to burn stuff.

Peregrin quickly finished the mission (by destroying everything in sight) and went back to his RC, #112358. He'd never figured out where those numbers came from, or why there were commas and an ellipsis on the sign. He spent some time reading, and then took a short nap. He didn't need to work around his partner, since he didn't have one because he was just that good solo.

When he woke up, he decided to go to the Canon Library to get more reading material. He wandered the halls for a while and eventually stumbled on the library. The librarian didn't want to give him more books because the ones he had were 'overdue'. After about a minute of these complaints, Peregrin flew into a rage and planted a small grenade on the checkout records. The Librarian managed to dodge, but the records (and a good part of the desk they were on) were destroyed. The explosion also started a fire, which burned down several shelves of books, but Peregrin didn't care. Those were replaceable anyway, right?

While Peregrin was storming out the library and venting about how he still hadn't managed to get his books, he remembered that his vacation request from two days ago hadn't gone through. He'd put in for two weeks vacation after a particularly nasty (in his opinion) mission earlier in the week. So, instead of heading back to his RC, he tried to go to the Marquis' office. Normally, the hallways in HQ would have prevented him from getting there quickly, but he used his powers (A/N: what were those again?) and sheer force of will to make it straight there.

After he'd busted the door to Personnel down, the Marquis asked him, Agent Peregrin, what are you doing here?

"I want to know why you haven't approved my vacation paperwork yet," he answered with a cold fury.

I haven't approved your request because you had a vacation only a few months ago, and since you have given no justification for your current application

"The hell I haven't justified my application! You and that damm sunflower have been throwing an EXTREMELY big workload on me, and that's on top of all the stuff I'm doing with DoGA! I need a vacation NOW!."

Both Mary Sues and Geographical Aberrations are severely understaffed right now, so a heavy workload is to be expected.

"I don't CARE!" Peregrin's face was growing bright red with anger. "I'm taking. a. break."

Right then, Peregrin opened a portal to his home continuum. The Marquis tried to stop him and called security. Peregrin didn't want to be stopped, so he took his flamethrower and burned the Flower to a crisp.

As the daisy was dying, security stormed into the office. They didn't really like the Marquis, because he was maen and stupid, so they let Peregrin jump through the portal. (Later, they resurrected the Flower so no one would notice).

Two weeks later, Peregrin came back to his RC, noticeably calmer. He'd spent most of the last two weeks rampaging through Arbe, sacking concents and burning their libraries (he was still bitter about the Canon Librarian). His console had several messages from the Sunflower Official, who wanted to meet with him about the "incident" in the Personnel offices two weeks earlier.

After making himself at home, Peregrin went Upstairs and had his meeting. The SO told him that he'd thought about punishing Peregrin somehow, but that he had noticed that Peregrin was one of the better agents in the department, and so he could get away with a few incidents. He didn't even say a word about the DoGA mission. Then, the SO assigned him a partner, Tomash, so that they could learn about the ways of the PPC from an experienced agent. Peregrin was glad that the Flowers had seen reason about his need for a vacation, and he went back to his RC to meet up with his new partner, hoping that they were as awesome as he was.

(( OOC: I have driven Agent (ex-Fraa) Peregrin severely out of character. He would almost certainly never do any of these things without an extremely, extremely good reason. ))

Why oh why do I have to be busy with the Badfic Game on? I am sad. But I'll try to find the time to leave a review or two, maybe even continue my stories, sometime before this thread falls off the front page. *crosses fingers*

(Also, hi, Ix. I'm glad you're home and doing better. E-mail me if you want to. *optional!hug*)

~Neshomeh

A/n: So, like, remember this from last time? It's my awesome story about the DIA and some other ppl and anyway i'm reposting the third chapter (seriously, NO REVIEWS WERE HAD and that is sad--haha, a rhyme! :D :D)) Anyway, so the first chapter is HERE and the second chapter is HERE! And now the third chapter!!!

Oh, and, so yeah this story is uh I mean
I don't really have inspriation for it anywmore but i have this new friend and she's TOTALLY INTO TACITUS/GASPARD and the gardsman and everyone so she's going to take over and it's gonna be TOTALLY AWESOME! XD U'll love it. Don't worry.

But fiiiirst...here's chapter three!!! Compleat with my a/ns 'n' everything :) :) :)

a/n SO I'M SO EXCITED THAT YOU'RE LIKING THIS STORY
Anyway
So I'm starting off with a flashback because I was in such a hurry to get up the last chapter that Iforgot a detail
but that's fine because a recap at the beginning of a chapter is very useful!!
So without further ado read on
and Ihope you like it
(PS: here's where we meet Tacitus!! Really, this time!! Aaaah!!!)

-------
Of all times for the Guardsman to get injured.

An elegantly dressed geth walks out of Tacitus' office. Every bit of its armor is in perfect condition; I am obviously underdressed.

"Golf, this week, Tacitus," it says firmly. I don't hear the reply. The geth nods at me as it passes, and Alex jumps out of his seat to go call the elevator.

It leaves.

"Mr. de Grasse?" Charlie is back with her perfect smile and her long legs. "Mr. Tacitus will see you now."

"Oh--thank you," I say. I put the glass down and get to my feet, straightening my shirt. Slowly, I walk towards the door. Charlie's smile follows me, stays fixed in perfect, professional falseness.

Alex opens the door for me. I try to smile at him, and then take a deep breath and walk through.

I'm completely focused on not making a fool of myself: just get through this interview, go home, give the Guardsman his notes. I can do this.

So, of course, the very first thing I do in Tacitus' office...is trip.

*

"You utter klutz," says my Monologue. He's utterly bored, and looking down at me where I've landed on my hands and knees. "You can't even enter a room anymore. How...pitiful."

Gentle hands grasp my elbows and help me to stand. I can't bring myself to look up for a minute, but when I do--wow. Just wow. Red-tipped black hair and an intense look that makes me even more embarrassed--and he's young. He's so young.

He lets go of me and steps back. For a moment--I blink, thinking I'm imagining it--but for a moment, he's some sort of grey and red fox as he leaps back to the desk. Suddenly, he's back to the beautiful young man who helped me up, and he grabs a pad of paper and a pen from the desk. He writes something and holds it out to me; I approach carefully and read the message.

That was quite a fall, Mr. Guardsman. Are you alright? Would you like to sit?

"Oh, uh--I'm alright," I say. Why can I never be smooth? I sound like I've been hit in the head--dull and uninspired. "And, actually, I'm Gaspard. Gaspard de Grasse. The Guardsman's been injured, so I'm here in his stead."

I'm Tacitus Dives, he writes back, and offers me his hand. I take it, and we shake; static electricity shocks me, and I pull away as casually as I can. It must be from my fall on the carpet.

We take our seats, and I set up the Guardsman's clunky-looking tape recorder. It doesn't run on tape, exactly--but he's upgraded it since the last time I asked. The on button seems to be in the same place, though.

"I have some questions, Mr. Tacitus," I say once everything is in place.

He smirks, and writes, I thought you might.

I find myself blushing red, and push my shoulders back to try to look less cowed. I raise the Guardsman's first cue card, and do my best to read his scribble--thankfully, most of these were typewritten. “You’re very young to have amassed such an empire. To what do you owe your success?” When I look up at him, he's disappointed but still smiling that wonderful smile.

Business is all about people, Mr. de Grasse, and I’m very good at judging people. I know how they tick, what makes them flourish, what doesn’t, what inspires them, and how to incentivize them. I employ an exceptional team, and I reward them well. He stares at me, and then writes another set of sentences and hands them over. His handwriting is just this side of neat, spiky, dark, and precise. Nothing like my own boring letters. My belief is to achieve success in any scheme one has to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, know every detail. I work hard, very hard to do that. I make decisions based on logic and facts. I have a natural gut instinct that can spot and nurture a good solid idea and good people. The bottom line is, it’s always down to good people.

“Maybe you’re just lucky,” I blurt out. He's arrogant. I don't usually like arrogant people.

I don’t subscribe to luck or chance, Mr. de Grasse. he writes. The harder I work the more luck I seem to have. It really is all about having the right people on your team and directing their
energies accordingly. I think it was Harvey Firestone who said ‘the growth and development of people is the highest calling of leadership.

“You sound like a control freak.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.


Oh, I exercise control in all things, Mr. de Grasse, he writes. His smile is humorless; he holds my stare impassively. I find that I'm blushing again. Why does he have such an unnerving effect on me? His overwhelming good-looks maybe? The way his eyes blaze at me? The way he strokes his index finger against his lower lip? I wish he’d stop doing that. I look down at the Guardsman's next card; time to change the subject.

“You invest in manufacturing," I say. "Why, specifically?” Why does he make me so uncomfortable?

I like to build things. I like to know how things work: what makes things tick, how to construct and deconstruct. And I have a love of ships. What can I say? What can he write, really...why does he write all the time? The Guardsman never mentioned he was mute. No one does. And surely someone with his money could go around that...


But I stay on task. “That sounds like your heart talking rather than logic and facts.”


His mouth quirks up, and he stares appraisingly at me.


Possibly. Though there are people who’d say I don’t have a heart.


“Why would they say that?”


Because they know me well.” His lip curls in a wry smile.

“Do you have a philosophy? If so, what is it?”

I don’t have a philosophy as such. he writes. Maybe a guiding principle – Carnegie’s: ‘A man who acquires the ability to take full possession of his own mind may take possession of anything else to which he is justly entitled.’ I’m very singular, driven. I like control – of myself and those around me.

“So you want to possess things?” I try not to raise an eyebrow; he really is a control freak.


I want to deserve to possess them, but yes, bottom line, I do.


I can’t help thinking that we’re talking about something else, but I’m absolutely mystified as to what it is. I swallow hard. The temperature in the room is rising or maybe it’s just me. I just want this interview to be over. Surely this is enough material? I glance at the next question.


“You were adopted. How far do you think that’s shaped the way you are?” Oh, this is personal. I stare at him, hoping he’s not offended. His brow furrows.

I have no way of knowing.

My interest is piqued, but I don't ask him how old he was when he was adopted--I can always ask the Guardsman later. I read the next question. “Have you had to sacrifice a family life for your work?”

I have a family. he writes. I have a brother and a sister and two loving parents. I’m not interested in extending my family beyond that.

“Are you gay, Mr. Tacitus?”

Well... He stops writing and looks at me with his smoldering eyes. What do you think, Gaspard?

My breath catches in my throat as I try to stammer a reply. It's the first time he's used my name, and even though he isn't speaking out loud, there's something about seeing it in his handwriting that makes my heartbeat accelerate.

There’s a knock at the door, and Charlie enters. “Mr. Tacitus, forgive me for interrupting, but your next meeting is in two minutes.”

Tacitus nods at her. She blushes bright pink; at least it's not just me, thank God. He gets up, and she leaves.

I collect the cards and the Guardsman's recorder and get to my feet. “Thank you for meeting with me, Mr. Tacitus.”

He shakes my hand; I find myself hoping it's not as sweaty as my mind thinks it is.

If I am sweaty, he doesn't seem to notice. Are you driving back? he asks through the pad of paper. It's raining.

"Uh--yes. I'm driving back."

Well, you’d better drive carefully. he writes. He underlines it, and gives me a stern look. I wonder why he cares. Did you get everything you need? he adds.

“Yes sir,” I reply, packing the recorder into my satchel. His eyes narrow, speculatively.
“Thank you again for the interview, Mr. Tacitus.”

The pleasure’s been all mine, he writes, polite as ever. He stands and holds out his hand. Until we meet again, Mr. de Grasse. And his expression makes it a challenge, or a threat, I’m not sure which. I frown. When will we ever meet again? I shake his hand once more, astounded that that odd current between us is still there. It must be my nerves.

“Mr. Tacitus.” I nod at him. Moving with lithe athletic grace to the door, he opens it wide.

Just ensuring you make it through the door, Miss Steele. he writes, holding it up for me to see and giving me a small smile. Obviously, he’s referring to my earlier less-than-elegant entry into his office. I flush.


“That’s very considerate, Mr. Tacitus,” I snap, and his smile widens. I’m glad you find me entertaining, I glower inwardly, walking into the foyer. I’m surprised when he follows me out. Charlie and Alex both look up, equally surprised.

Alex rushes to bring my coat; Tacitus puts down his pen and pad of paper and takes it from him, holding it up for me to put on. I do so, feeling extremely self-conscious. Tacitus places his hands for a moment on my shoulders; I gasp at the contact. If he notices my reaction, he gives nothing away. His long index finger presses the button summoning the elevator, and we stand waiting – awkwardly on my part, coolly self-possessed on his. The doors open, and I hurry in desperate to escape. I really need to get out of here. When I turn to look at him, he’s leaning against the doorway beside the elevator with one hand on the wall. He really is very, very good-looking. It’s distracting. His burning teal eyes gaze at me.

Gaspard, he writes as a farewell, holding up the ever-present pad of paper.

“Tacitus,” I reply, my mouth dry. And mercifully, the doors close.

--------

a/n:Whew! That was such a long chapter!! But Ireally hope you liked it!! Isn't Tacitus so hott?? Gaspard certainly thinks so!!

Don't forget to RnR!! Reviews make me write fasterrr. Next up--Gaspard and the Guardsman talk about what happened! And Tacitus may show up again ;)) Aaaaand...if you really want it....Imay even write something from Tacitus' pov!! You'll have to convince me, though :D if there's enough interestm I'll totally do it!!!

Reviweres are love!!! ~*DW~~**

PS: DON'T FORGET TO CHECK OUT MY NEW STORY! It's actually something I rwote really quickly last month but it's awesome and you should totally read it! I'll be putting it up really soon. Quick and fun and fluffy!! Look for it at the top of the new releases!! xoxo~~DW**~

REAL AN: so like hope you enjoyed!!! Next chappie will be written by my friend but posted by me because she doesn't want her own account cuz her parents said no. but shes a REALLY awesome writer and its' gonna be SO GOOD I PROMISE

and maybe i'll write something new too.......you never know!!!

xoxoxoxo ~~~DW**~

((So yes. A necessary disclaimer--a good chunk of this chapter is from the real 50 Shades book, because last year I was foolish enough to go 'THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT DUSKWATER WOULD DO, JUST CHANGE THE NAMES AND SOME OF THE WORDING AND DESCRIPTIONS'. Never again. The book--undiluted by sporkings and so on--is *awful*. The 'next writer' is going to drop that idea entirely, and...well, I have some fun things planned :D We'll see how it goes.

In the meantime, welcome back to 50 Shades of Tacitus! I look forward to hopefully amusing y'all and scarring SeaTurtle's characters :) Keep an eye out for familiar faces in...the next chapter, probably... ~DF))

Fanfic Land is open? I've been waiting, like, forever! Here's the first fic I wrote for it! :P

Let's see whatcha think!

((Please, please, if anybody has any of that stuff that lets you check where this was posted from, I'm begging you, don't. I'd be using an alternate computer, but I seriously don't have anything to do it with.))

Soo… I was thinking about the PPC recently, and it's cool and all, but I want to try something a little different. Tweak it a little! So I came up with this! Please enjoy! ( ^_^ )

~~~~~~~~~~~

Cornelius felt it almost immediately, as soon as he woke up. There was something off about… well, everything. Not in an obvious way, mind you; it was as if someone had moved the entirety of reality about two feet to the left while he had slept. Nothing seemed different. And yet, everything seemed different.

The feeling stuck with him as he got dressed and wandered into the main response center. It was countered slightly by the smell of fresh coffee.

Yeah. Coffee. Maybe that would clear his head.

Cornelius had just poured himself a mug when a holographic image of a young woman flickered to life over the large projector in the center of the room. The familiar figure smiled and nodded to him, causing her virtual pigtails to bobble slightly.

“Good morning, Agent Watson,” she said crisply.

“Morning, Rachel,” Cornelius replied. “What’s the good word?”

Various statistics began to appear in the air around the artificial intelligence. “Everything is proceeding nominally regarding our technical status,” she said. “There have been no pressing alerts regarding badfic, but Intelligence reports suggest that we may soon face a higher-than-normal number of Overtale-related AU missions. There is also the matter of… Agent Watson, are you unwell?”

Cornelius wrinkled his brow. “What makes you ask that?”

Rachel glanced down at the mug in his hands. “Typically, you consumed at least half of your coffee by this point in my morning briefing. You have instead done nothing but drum your fingers on it. Vital scans and stance analysis also suggests that you are slightly stressed.”

“I… I don’t know.” Cornelius set down his coffee and ran his hands over his bald scalp. “I’m just feeling a little weird. Can’t really say what’s up.”

“I’m not sure I understand. Are you in need of services from Medical or FicPsych?”

“What? No! It’s just a strange feeling. Like something’s off.”

Rachel’s expression softened a bit. “Perhaps taking a walk might help relieve this feeling,” she said. “We have been fielding more than our usual amount of missions. It’s only natural this might take a toll on you in some way.”

“I don’t know. Besides, what if something comes up? I don’t want to leave you hanging."

“I can cover for you if anything come up. Take your time.” She smiled again. “If my hard light projector were active, this would be the part where I would pat you reassuringly on the shoulder.”

Cornelius chuckled a bit. “All right. Maybe you’ve got something. I’ll take a quick walk, see if that clears anything up.”

~~~~~~~~~~

More to come soon! Please comment with good vibes, ya ya!

Lieks comment and sutbsricbe! ...wati this aint' Youtube.


---

So Ajax was chillaxing in the RC of Get Rekt Mate like a baller.

And then suddenly, A WILD Mathew APPEARS! “Who wants some magic?”

Agax jumped up from his easy chair. “I do I do!”

“Well, then, have a lot of it!” Math shouts some funny words and then disappears into the eether.

Ajax walked around his RC for a bit, wondering what his new powers were because mat didn’t tell him. “So what can I do now…”

Ajax thought and thought and thought and thought and thought until he realized that none of the minis were moving! he could stop time!

“OMG I WALAYS WANTED TIME CONTROL POWERS” Ajax screamed att he top of his lungs, and he walked out of the RC singing How I maeet Your Mother songs at the top of his lung.

“ score a ten wod be just ofne, BUT I RATHER BE DRESSED TO HTE NINES! It’s a truth you cant refuuuuuute, duh duh duhh dhu! NOTHING SUIT EM LIEK A SUOT!”

An then he sou Levy his waifu and said “Hay baby, wanna have freaky time sotp sex?”

And Levi aas all “OMG YE I WANNA DO YO UNDET THE CRESRNT MOON (cuz full mons make uer crazy)

And then they ran toff to go do sthff, mainyly each other.

((Is this cheating?))

Lieks comment and sutbsricbe! ...wati this aint' Youtube.


---

So Valon was chillaxing in the RC of Terror like a baller.

And then suddenly, A WILD K’ETH APPEARS! “Who wants some magic?”

Valn jumped up from his easy chair. “I do I do!”

“Well, then, have a lot of it!” Keth shouts some funny words and then disappears into the eether.

Valon walked around his RC for a bit, wondering what his new powers were because keth didn’t tell him. “So what can I do now…”

Valon thought and thought and thought and thought and thought until he realized that none of the minis were moving! he could stop time!

“OMG I WALAYS WANTED TIME CONTROL POWERS” Valon screamed att he top of his lungs, and he walked out of the RC singing How I maeet Your Mother songs at the top of his lung.

“ score a ten wod be just ofne, BUT I RATHER BE DRESSED TO HTE NINES! It’s a truth you cant refuuuuuute, duh duh duhh dhu! NOTHING SUIT EM LIEK A SUOT!”

An then he sou Kala his waifu and said “Hay baby, wanna have freaky time sotp sex?”

And Kale aas all “OMG YE I WANNA DO YO UNDET THE CRESRNT MOON (cuz full mons make uer crazy)

And then they ran toff to go do sthff, mainyly each other.

((I swear, this got WORSE as it went on, eheheheh. This is Voyd, by the way.))

Ha okay so first of all the disclaimer: Jay and Acacia, do this sdisclaimer!

Jay: Firsy BluEyedQoner is the BEST.

Acacia: Secodn she doesn't own the PPC YET BUT WE'RE GONNA GIVET IT TO HER!11!

Awwk thanks guys! :D I'm blushing. Anyway, onto the fic!

---

Chaper 1:

it was a beautiful day when the Notary was told ehs was gonna be the Savior of the PpC.

She was in her RC waiting for a mission when two knocks came at her door. "who could that b??? she wondered she never had visitors because all the other agents thought she was mean eeven though she was the sweetest nicest person in all HQ. they wrea all posers and the Notary knew she could get tehm all back easily but she was too good a person for tha so she didn't.

She got up and opened the door (AN the notary has no partnernow I didnt likt eh clown). it was Jay and Acacia!!!

"we need you to save OOC!" Acacia stated.

"Yu are the Savior of the PPC and only you can do it! Bad stuff is happeninf and you have to dtop it!"

notar looked at them stunned. She, save averyone? but none of the PPC liked her and she was so normal, hw ould she save everyone???

"ill try," she said shyly blushing. "but i dont know if ill be abel to cause no one in the ppc likes me."

"theyre stuupid.' acacia said. she grabbed the Norary's hand and jay grabbed the other. "time to sae the PPC! they said and left to go do that.

---

Ummmmm so howd i do?? no flames ples first story never done one before i hope you al like it1! please read and review!!

-BluEyedWonder

Disclaimer: The PPC is the property of Jay and Acacia, whose presence is elsewhere and elsewhen, and whose spirit fills the ether of HQ as its inhabitants continue their nugatory vigil over the darkest reaches of the multiverse.

===

she lies abask among the trees and nymphs of the wilding forest between and calls me not. she sleeps. her watch is stood in fairyland. this place this boscaresque idyll is seen only by what third eye she possesses and is little thought upon by us mere mortal defedators who have not the slightest glimmer of the veil-piercing power of minds. and yet we are here watching the flowers grow in the little vale of pale blue flowers and tall trees.

militator. kakorraphiophobe. two. one. hunting through the mertensias that shame the symbelmune with their lustful presence. she leads. her sacricolist follows. blood in the water falling like a burnt man cast from his castaldy like an arrow loosed to divine the future like bullet and bomb like the misbegotten child of dead and lonely gods. this is not my area of expertise.

who is devotional. who can be. what is devotion even for other than to sate the whims of little lives lost in a theomachy not of their own making but will lead them to their mortal resting places. the long knives come. pity the columbine heiress of majesty not her own. pity her cardinal lips. pity her hair wave after wave of atrous curls kokytos in flood. pity the vestments of her ignoble faith corbeau chiton leatherette heels where around her is uncaring unseeing duck dreadnought drabbet. piteous. vicious. being of vice.

she is a whisper of robes like trees holding court. i am earthen made of the dark parts of space she is composed and constructed of high time clockwork galataean. or something like it. moths flit between the blue flowers. quarry pauses sniffs the air her coterie unmoving cardboard slategrey colours churning as it spins its song interrupted nails on chalkboard trimmed to the wick and wire. a slim pad is produced. a charge. execution. light shines as blackened bogiron flits parts vermiel. lifeless life ended. amnesia. ascension to higher orders of dimension.

there to rest in a gunmetal prison silent ceaseless love unbound unbidden unwanted deeply shared. uncompanionable quiet. waiting for the next distraction.

Ilran boght the milk and said 'thank u fine sir for his freshh rejuvenating mikl i shal consume it trogh my mouth,' when, sudenly, randumly, out-of-nowerely, unxpectdly, the mary sue appeared.

'the marey sue!' Ilarn exclummd, as the mary sue appeared sudenly, randumly, out-of-nowerely an unxpectdly.

'iv kidnapt PPC!' marit swue shrikked lik the harpi (its a roman monstr taht shriks) adn she shodwe a pitcture of PPPC, who wass tyed up on an chair.

'Not PiPiCee!' Illarien holwed lik a wolff (its a animal taht holws, i dont know if its roman???)
'is da chair commfor-table, ta least?'

'No!' marry sue said.

'nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!'
Ililiarrenilraen scremd lik a screming man (its a type of man but ti screms, maybe roman but probly not)
and he screemed and scremd an shot at mary with bullets and lasers will he bet her an save PPC?

RAT REVIEW AND REVIEW TO FIND OUT

no flams pls im stil sensittve my 7th cusin removd's co-wokror's neighbore died 11 yrs ago ;_;

AN: Yeah i did steel the title from "Squirell Girl Beats Up the Marvel Universe", pls don't sue meh, i don't have any moneh!

Agten Lux Secduses the PPC Uneverse Chapter On

Luxary was walkng down the hall in the PPC HQ. She was dressed in a short black skirt an a aqua-lavender croptop and she had her long blonde hair in a bun. She was on her way to see the Marquise de Sod, by special request. She knocked on the door and from inside she heard "Oh, anget Luxery! Come in!"

"Oh Soddy~! Wat evar could u want wit me? Have I ben a bad gril~?"

"Yes mis sLuxray you have. yiu have been a verry bad girl, and now i'm gonna punish you!"

(AN: I'll let u imagine wat happens next! ;P C u nxt chappie!)

Summary: A Sue who should not exist anymore teams up with the Department of Inaccuracies to right a wrong.
Genre: Serious Business
Rating: T, I suppose.

DISCLAIMER: I still don’t own the PPC, it belongs to the legendary agents Jay and Acacia. Nor do I own Androiaavata’s home continuum World of Warcraft, which is property of Blizzard Entertainment. The Harry Potter series of books was created by the magnificent Joanne K. Rowling. The Labyrinth probably doesn’t need to be disclaimed here because it isn’t actually involved. The Making of a Queen belongs to Artemis Samhain, who may kindly keep it. It was sporked by EileenAlphabet and you should go and read this, because it’s good although it’s not free of errors (and I siriusly don’t intend to recap this monster of a mission report). The agents in the Department of Inaccuracies are mine.

Author’s Notes:
I subdued last year’s little rebellion; Androia knows her place again. Since you gave me more than the requested number of reviews, this is all your fault.
Many thanks to my beta reader ElenaAlgebra for the valuable suggestions I mostly ignored. All residual errors are obviously mine.


Prologue

The music was soft and mellow, almost seductive, as it had always been. Her dress was dark black like her hair, the tight bodice held by spaghetti straps fitting her lustrous curves, the wide skirt swinging free as she whirled around and around. All the other dancers, in their costumes made of damask, silk and satin, hid their faces behind masks; they didn’t matter. There was only One who counted, the handsome immortal who held her tightly in his arms and spun her around, until the daydream ended abruptly when he steered her into a wall.

Actually, the obstacle was a door set into one of the walls of the endless grey corridors. Sarah shook her head to clear her mind and glanced at the number on the door, comparing it to the first number scribbled onto the sheet of paper in her hand. Apparently she had got good advice. Just don’t pay attention while you walk, and you will arrive where you need to be. And yes, here she was, and she didn’t bother to knock. How could she be expected to be polite after all they had done to her?

A pink-coloured human-shaped flash crossed the room at amazing speed and disappeared behind a door when Sarah entered RC #1953. The elderly man who had been left behind glared at Sarah. "What’s your business here?" he asked savagely.

Sarah countered the man’s fury with an icy tone. "Is this the Department of Inaccuracies?"

"Why would you assume that such a Department even exists?"

"Because the – entity at the help desk said this would be the place to take my complaints to. I have been unjustly charged by employees of your organization, and my story has been misrepresented in their mission report. What do you intend to do about this?"

The man’s mood appeared to lift immediately. He took some sort of device out of a drawer and pointed it at Sarah. It looked like a sort of pocket calculator. Sarah could not see the display.

[Sarah Aithne Rhiannon Williams. Half-witch/half-Fae female OC, known to be ’such a calm, collected girl, who always had good timing’. Not!Labyrinth x Harry Potter. Undead Sue. Out of Character 50.38%.]

I frowned at the display. 50.38% is barely enough for a badfic. Maybe we should throw in some bad role-play and unwanted innuendo. Fortunately, Sarah had already given us a head-start. Good timing indeed.

The man frowned, shrugged and then drew his face into a malicious grin as he started to take more devices out of the drawer and stuff them into his pockets. "Androia," he shouted, "bring the quill patches! It’s one of those missions again." He turned to Sarah. "Do you have the exact coordinates on your paper there?"

Since she couldn’t get to her uniform while the stranger was there, Androiaavata had slipped into her old novice gown. Hearing her master’s voice, she hefted the appropriate flash patch onto her left shoulder and returned to the RC’s main room, just in time to hear the stranger talk. "To gather the evidence, we first need to go to ISBN-9780747573609/66-29".

"But this is a canon destination," said the non-human girl who had just re-entered the room. She was now wearing a long blue gown with a quill dropping red ink on the left shoulder, and Sarah wondered what species she might be. Her ears would have been far too long and pointy even for a Fae, reaching up above her head, and the pink of her face was too bright even for the given situation.

"No disguises then," decided the man. "The canon characters can't see us anyway." Meanwhile, the girl whose name was apparently Androia, had typed on several keys at a thing that looked like a computer console, and a blue-gleaming rectangle had appeared in mid-air. "Ladies first," said the man with a little bow. With an irritable frown, Sarah stepped through the portal. The two agents followed and arrived on a platform at Paddington station just in time to watch a giant man and a small boy approaching a train.

Hagrid helped Harry on to the train that would carry him back to the Dursley’s, then handed him an envelope.

"Here it comes," hissed Sarah. "Pay attention!"

‘Yer ticket fer Hogwarts’, he said. ‘First o’ September – King’s Cross – it’s all on yer ticket.’

Sarah jumped excitedly. "There, have you seen it? Now we can go to my story. The coordinates are FFN 1711100..."

I rip the paper out of her hand, take the remote activator out of my pocket and type in the coordinates I memorized so long ago. This is going to be fun.

"Wait," says Androia. "Are there any original characters in this story? They will see us. Did you bring a Dorks?"

Insubordination again? Implying that I forgot important equipment? Or a legitimate concern? I glare at her. "I’ve got something better than the D.O.R.K.S." And I whip out the Invisibility Cloak.

(To be continued)

Zey are abaout tou siupah azants. Richard is suepah ajent of the PPC, with hiz syupah girlfriend, ah parner, Marina, who is a great wizard, who can do tech stuff and magic stuff at ze saime taime, not laike zis wik Dressden.

Richard is aosom tou, he kill Siu wif tou souordz aned iuzing a PErusona bicoz hi got tiz issiu in hiz heat. And when he want to do really esplozif stufff, he stzealz esplossifs to shoot hiz enemiz.

And togezer zey kill all ze worzt Siu, and zey are friendz wiv oll ze ajentz in PPC. Spchially Aviator. Chiz coul.

((Cannot believe I'm writing that.))

A/N: kk so i no i SED i was gonig to rite TEH DAUTER OF JAYACACA THONBIRD, but i dont' wat to so iI wote tihs insatd. enjo!!1

Jaycacia Thornbyrd leant against her husband, sketching a picture of them (A/N soo she has psychick powars wihch let her sea tehm like its form the oustide). "Do you remember when we all got pregnant and then Lux said the babies were all us?" she asked.

Yes, I do, my beloved, the Sunflower Official said, turning so she could sketch his face better (A/N NO he ash't got a fase but YU KNOWAT I MEN). It was so lucky that Medical was able to take all the babies out and have them be born and grow up in the past. And wasn't it strange that your baby turned out to be HQ?

Jaycacia giggled. "That was pretty strange, but also makes sense, because PPC HQ was my other parent, you know."

"But I'm your real parent, right?" Jay simpered, looking up from their bed. (A/N i ddin't manag to wirte it in but jAy is nacked in tihs seen oky?!!)

Jaycacia giggled. "You are the best kind of parent, my love," she said. "The kind who isn't related to me and so we can have sex!"

"Yay!" Jay bounced up and down in the bed. "Do you mean right now?"

"I wish we could," Jaycacia said, getting out of the bed, "but I sense a darkness growing in the heart of HQ. I have to go and solve it - for the sake of the PPC!"

And she swept out of the room, pausing only to grab a silk robe from the back of a chair. (A/N o yea and Jaycasia was nakee too. u no how ppl used to rite sotries with toppless elfs in??? its' like taht)

The Sunflower Official and Jay stared after their love. It's amazing how dedicated she is to the PPC, the SO said.

"If it weren't for her, the PPC would have been destroyed about a million times," Jay agreed. "We are so lucky to have her."

We are, the SO agreed. We are all so very lucky to have her.

~

"... normally around this point you say something."

Jay Thorntree looked up from her book. "Hm?"

Acacia Byrd gestured at the bustling Roman marketplace around them. "You come to my city. You track me down. You act surprised to see me. And then you say it."

"Do I?" Jay considered this. "I might just feel like coming to see you."

"Jay." Acacia pulled a tray of necklaces off the top of her handcart and tugged the cover over what remained. "Just admit it. She's back."

"Ah!" Jay beamed at her friend and held out a sheet of paper. "How did you know?"

I literally haven't read LotR so let's see how I do with it. Dr. McNinja/LotR/Some other stuff crossover. My 1st fic plz R&R, be nice!

"Wait! I want to join" Dr. McNinja said to B0romir
"Why"
"Because it sounds fun" "Ok" the dwarf or whatever said
They were in Riverdall and there was a pavilion or maybe a gazebo I don't know i only watched part of the 1st movie.

"Wait why is he wearing a necklace"
"That's Frodo and the One Ring we're gonna go destroy it" said Pippin "It's evil so we can't touch it"

"Ill carry it" the ninja replied "Ive handled the forces of Chaos befor except at that time it was an evil rainbow unicorn motorcycle thing"
"You sound qualified and brave, here you go" said Frodo handing over the ring.

So? What you think? I'm going to add other crossovers ande possibly sum pairings so stay tuned!

Ill giv anyone a interwebz if they write a Jaycacia/Zeb fic

[Wonders at the horrific implications]

*Cue Primal Reversion SFX, the greek letter Xi appears instead of Alpha or Omega*

He's reverted to his mattman14 Form!

We're currently experiencing technical difficulties here at fanficWorld, but stay tuned! We hope to resume normal service as soon as...

Hang on, it looks like our administrator wants to send a message of his own. Patching you through.

*kzzzzzzt*

-iruses against their laptops, right? At the same time, we'll strike at the fifth-storey server room, try to regain a foothold in-

Ah! Loyal supporters of fanficWorld, rejoice! After a year of hard fighting, we are finally on the verge of driving those rascals from Imperial Liechtenstein back from at least one of our server rooms! Admittedly, we might have to firebomb the servers to drive them out, but never fear! We'll have backups brought in as soon as we clear out the rest of the building.

In the meantime, don't let our oppression get you down! For you, fans of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, have a mission of your own to complete. And that mission is... WRITE MORE FANFIC! We may not be able to host it for you, but believe me, we are ROOTING for you to write it!

Okay, support@fanficWorld, you can take them back now. Girls and boys, this is going to be a tough mission, but the spirits of your departed predecessors in Tech Support are-

*kzzzzzzt*

Well... there you have it! A mandate from the boss himself to write as much as you can, in memory of all fanficWorld has been to you. This is support@fanficWorld - the site for the fanfic you can't find anywhere else - signing off.

Oh, and if someone could get a supply package through the blockade? I'm dying for a coffee.

---

Or, in other words... welcome to the PPC Badfic Game 2016.

What is this? This is the thread where we let our inner badfic writers have free rein. All PPC stories are technically fanfics of the Original Series - but they're all goodfics. That's clearly unreasonable - most fanfic of anything is terrible. So this is your chance to write the baddest of the badfics. Go nuts!

Who can I write about? Any agents in the PPC are open for you to mutilate. There's a Creativity Shield around ffW, so everything here is emphatically uncanon. The only exception is that, if someone asks in this thread that their agents not be used, please honour that. I can't imagine why you would, but the offer's there.

Where do I post? In this thread, please. As you can see, fanficWorld itself won't be involved in this year's game - I don't have the energy for archiving right now. (Yes, again. I know, I know. :()

What name should I post under? You should come up with the badficauthorest name you can, of course! Take a look at some of our previous examples.

What sort of story should I write? A bad one! Obviously. But also one that's fun to read. Illegible ultra-typo stories are a bit boring after the first one, y'know?

Can I leave reviews? Emphatically yes - that's half the fun of the game! But do remember to leave them in character - and equally, remember that the flames you receive are not real flames. They're a game. Don't get upset.

Do I need a beta? Hahahahahahahaha. Don't be ridiculous. ^-^ What sort of badfic writer has a beta?

Do I need Permission? Again, what sort of badfic writer asks permission? (No. No you don't)

Why are we doing this? Because it's fun!

hS