Jan 2016 Archive, part a

*Hoards pillows for their proper use as cushions.* ;)

Well, I'm 10 hours late by French standards, but it's the intention which is important. *Prepares to pillow ambush the next Boarder*

In my defense, I had per-written the message and just left it up to be posted at midnight. So, not my fault for not seeing this one.

Still... Whoops.

So you'll always look Awesome! Welcome.

I'm glad you think so highly of us. Here's a bucket of movie-theater popcorn and a Rey action figure I stole from the Disney stockrooms!

Here, have a Bag of Holding so that you can store all the welcome gits you're getting and also have a Rorschach Book, which can change into virtually any written text in existence! Just close your eyes while holding it, think about what yo wanna read and then blink three times.

Hello, and welcome aBoard! For your newbie gift, take this plate of freshly-made SPaGhetti!

Since Des and Skarm already asked the important questions, I think that's everything covered. Hope you like it here! :)

Welcome, welcome! Here, have a slice of Infinite Pizza!

Welcome, &c. Having read the Original Series, you should also read the Constitution — it's the set of rules this Board goes by. We also have a wiki, and it is recommended to check it before asking any questions — we like newbies who do the research!
Links to both can be found in the header.
Anyway, here, have this cup of Lapsang Souchong tea. It's not quite certain whether it smells like a campfire or not, so treat it gently, aright?

I thought about offering black-hole coffee, but if you're holding back the squee... Have these black-hole chocolates.

For the sake of the community, may I ask what fandoms you're in? kthnxbye

In the meantime, have one of my own shed feathers and a complimentary kit of Spikes!

Very strange ending, though.

...I liked it. :)

I guess it was well done, but Moffat's writing just doesn't do anything for me. I could see what the episode was going for, but it was too much being clever just for the sake of being clever.

It was an hour or so after watching before I got the events into some coherent order. And yes, Watson is awesome. Unfortunately, our cable was bad, so we missed several bits of it.

This was an outstanding episode-- I loved every minute of it. They did a great job of explaining the cliffhanger at the end of Series 3.

Costumes, atmosphere, Holmes being Holmes, Watson being awesome (and the Reveal makes it all the more awesome), and appearances by all of our favourite characters-- this one has it all.

11/10, would watch again.

How's the situation with the Board for you? I saw it back online several times during the day, and even new posts, but it always stop working after a moment. Am I the only one seeing this?

If the T-Board works, I propose for it to replace the Other Board as a contingency plan.

(The Other Board is still good for RPing, though. When it's not down.)

It seems prudent to me that we should, at the very least, have a backup that isn't hosted in the same place as the main Board. (If T-Board works, then great. If not, we need something else.)

I did see the post, but I can barely remember what was in it, so... yeah. Refresh my memory, please?

I've been busy with a lot of RL stuff and, well... I had a post. And then the Board ate it. Which sucked a bit. =[

I will investigate

whether you need a linebreak to add a newline

Also
does the trailing space work (it seems to. TODO. document that)

1. List

2. More list

3. Same list, linebreak? Still a list item.

New paragrpah

I'm surprised the preview acted differently, because it (IIRC) uses the same code path as normal post rendering.

EDIT: cannot reproduce linebreak problems. Can reproduce preview issues. Will investigate next week.

EDIT 2: Fixed bug with edit previews

But it is not the case in actual posts. This inconsistency should be resolved.

hS

Following discussion in three or four different places (the Board, the Other Board, T-Board, and I think the Wiki too), I'm going to make this official*: the Other Board is hereby retired from active duty. Anything which would previously have been posted on it should go to T-Board instead. If you find any problems with T-Board, let Tomash know, because he's the one maintaining it. (I don't know what the best way to do that would be.)

[*Not that I have any power to make things official... but you get what I mean.]

I've updated the Wiki, the Other Board's header, and my own website; I don't know of anywhere else the Other Board is linked from. I can't alter T-Board's header; Tomash, if you're reading, tweaking that 'beta' text might be useful (or you can give me the ability to edit it, that's fine too ^^).

And then there's Plort.

In the <a href="http://plort.wikia.com/wiki/ProtectorateofPlortWikia">Union of Plort, Konti-Nyuum, Ozerbord has been ruled by Lord Protector Huinesoron since its creation. But now there's a new power on the block...

Not Exactly a Coup

In which the advantages of precise wording are discussed, and a Baron gets a nasty shock.

Updates to the Cyclopaedia are in the works.

hS

... and as I (and Des and Sergio) suggested on T-Board itself, should we designate T-Board as the Other Board, and retire the current Other Board?

This would mean T-Board would be used for RPs and games, as well as if-and-when the Board goes down for spam or server reasons. It would provide good long-term testing data for the T-Board system, which currently we don't have.

Opinions?

hS

I had just put it down to the truly atrocious service I have here.

...and I gotta say, that's just awful. I hope Linode's resolves the issue soon enough if it hasn't already. And I've bookmarked the T-Board as well, just in case.

The host got attacked.

hS

... here, we're considering using T-Board as the Other Board once the Board is back up. Any further discussion should really wait until the main Board comes back.

The reason for not saying 'whee, this is now the Board' is that it's never been subjected to any kind of long-term stability tests. We have no idea (yet) how well it'll hold up to people posting more than once in a blue moon.

hS

Well that explains a few things. Wonder why people do stuff like that....

...'cuz this is gonna take a while! XD

I've written fiction in general, and fanfic by extension, since I was in elementary school, and I've had fandoms even before I knew that term even existed. And while most people think of their creative history as one continuous progression, I can identify at least six different "seasons" for my artistic and literary timeline, kinda like in a TV show. I'll list them below based on probable years in which they were prominent and the franchises that influenced me the most during that time.

Phase 1 - 2001-2004
My first attempts at creating fiction happened almost as soon as I learned to use a keyboard, which was when I was around ten or so. Early art and writing ranged from scribbled doodles of characters based on things I saw in books or on TV to a beige-prosed alien invasion story to a planned "flagship" series of stories that ripped off the characters and plot of the early phases of BIONICLE, whom my brother and I were interested in at the time, as well as a number of then recent Disney movies. It was known as "The Life of a Warrior" because again, reasons. I've since grown out of it because, on closer inspection, it was basically a cleverly disguised badfic. Ah, well. First time for everything, I guess.
Fandoms: BIONICLE, Classic Disney, Harry Potter, Pokemon

Phase 2 - 2004-2005
My love of Pixar started coming into its own after the release of The Incredibles, with all the badfic ideas this implied. This phase began with a story that was basically a rewrite of The Incredibles, plagiarized but with aliens. Additionally, I also tried writing my own original fantasy story for the first time, though the hustle and bustle of Real Life prevented me from getting very far in that regard.
Fandoms: The Incredibles, Pixar in general

Phase 3 - 2005-2007
My author avatar and OCs began taking up presence in the majority of my writing from this phase onward, and this was where the earliest draft of my flagship fiction series would come into being. I planned to create books in the style of a TV show with episodic chapters, but most of the episode plots were derivative once again.
Fandoms: Teen Titans, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Ben 10

Phase 4 - 2008-2010
My interest in dinosaurs and fantasy creatures was kicked off in earnest when my brother and I binged on the listed franchises. I tried incorporating kaiju, dinosaurs, and other such things into every story I could think of. I tried drafting a series of stories involving people who could turn into prehistoric creatures, but it never got off the ground. I also developed an interest in classical mythology around this time, which helped out a great deal IMO.
Fandoms: Twilight, Percy Jackson

Phase 5 - 2010-2012
My return to Pokemon in full force, as a presumably more mature and sophisticated person, led to my first joining deviantART as part of the Pokemon fandom and as a creator of fanmade Pokemon designs. I began writing a story about Ash journeying through a region created by another artist on dA, with my own characters and concepts added into the storyline, but I had so little time to write episodes that it was ultimately discontinued at the end of this phase. Unfortunately, I also tried gaining the approval of a number of people both online and off, but was ultimately rejected thanks to my immaturity and egotism, so in some respects this is my least favorite phase. In a way, though, I guess I should be grateful for what happened, because I learned a lot about myself during those days, and I've strived to become a better person since.
Fandoms: Godzilla, Jurassic Park, How To Train Your Dragon, Rise of the Guardians, Pacific Rim, Kid Icarus, The Legend of Zelda, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic

Phase 6 - 2013-Present
The current phase, and who knows what else I’ll do in the future. I left DeviantArt when I started graduate school, and moved most of my work to Tumblr, so that meant I got exposed to a different set of fandoms. It's also the phase where I first encountered the PPC, which has since become one of the biggest influences as far as my writing is concerned.
Fandoms: Super Smash Bros, Xenoblade Chronicles, Steven Universe, Attack On Titan, One Piece, Fairy Tail, Monster Hunter, Monster Musume, Undertale

There's a whole host of other smaller fandoms which I've certainly missed, but that's the gist of how I've been with fandom over the years.

Now, onto the RCs/Agents. I'll list them in bullet-list format this time around, since I have too many running around...

- RC #227 (DF): My starting team, the one that got me Permission, and the one that sporked the one badfic I actually completed. The one agent who's consistently manned this RC is my PPC persona, Falchion. His partner used to be Rashida Mafdetiti, one of my original-fiction OCs, but she's on leave right now because reasons, so his current partner is Velociripper, who hails from the aforementioned badfic and has since grown out of his formerly antagonistic ways.
- RC #133,316,666 (DMS): I never intended for this RC to get as far as it has - I simply wanted to bring in an agent to elaborate upon Rashida's backstory, and Rayner Blitzkrieg, who was originally introduced to the Interent for an MLP ask blog on Tumblr when I was super-obsessed with MLP, was selected at random. I then realized that I needed a partner for him, so I made the even more random decision of pairing him with another old OC of mine, Evangeline von Lilith. Despite a rough start with the two of them, I've gotten the hang of their tolerate-hate dynamic, and the fact that I was able to write them far, far away from the demented little fools they once were is still a pleasant surprise for me.
- RC #333 (DIC): Sarah Squall, formerly Stratogale, was recruited from the same badfic as Ripper was, and she was one of the better things about it to the point that I just couldn't let her go to waste. As my writing progressed, I decided that she had to be put in an RC of her own where she wouldn't have to suffer from Rashida's mildly toxic bouts of aggression, and her badfic being a mega-crossover meant that she had enough experience with bad crossovers that the DIC was perfect for her. The decision to pair her with Cupid Carmine was actually inspired by an old plot bunny I had back when my flagship fiction was still a mega-crossover, where Sarah would be roommates and partners with the canon Pit. Cupid himself was recruited both objectively, because his backstory and characterization were just barely salvageable, and subjectively because IDK, I just wanted to write a drunken angel in a pink toga. I wasn't confident in my ability to write missions where the agents got along better than most, though, so I had to introduce a third wheel, and what better choice than Lapis Lazuli? She comes from a crossover, she's neurotic and pessimistic enough to counterbalance the other two, and I needed a place to put her after I had to stop work on her homefic anyway. Her getting her right hand cut off wasn't intentional, by the way, but I think it's helped her case in the long-term.
- RC #88224646BA (DMS-VG): This is my most recent RC, and like the other DMS one, it was originally intended as supporting material. Agents Backslash and Whitney were introduced specifically to help my DF team for something I'm keeping under wraps at this time, but I liked their interactions enough to flesh them out a little more beforehand. And hey, Falc and co. need to actually familiarize themselves with these two first...

Oh, and you wanted a fun fact? Due to my dad going on research trips more times than I care to count, and often taking his family along, I've seen more places abroad in my 22 years on this Earth than most people could hope to see in their lifetimes. I've been to Paris, Innsbruck, London, Madrid, Jakarta, Seoul, and Tokyo, and I've set foot on Italian soil at least three times in the past two decades!

-SS, who really should stop posting at 1:30 AM

Lumber towards a series of terrible punchlines like a listing coal barge with some unfortunate fictional characters in tow. =]

Anyway, I guess my primary fandoms are Harry Potter, Red Dwarf, and Doctor Who, while secondary fandoms are spread far and wide across... mostly across terrible YA fiction that is usually endearing and sometimes insane. My agents with missions to their name are Wobbles The Clown, Doktor Trollenfisch, and The Notary, the only one to achieve any kind of notoriety in the community because of what a dreadful, miserable pile of elk scrotes she is. She's an absolute joy to write for, though, so maybe that's it. =]

Also Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sherlock, Doctor Who, so many anime and manga I lost count, Firefly, Game of Thrones (books), Terraria, the Tortall-verse, Harry Potter, Animal Crossing, Steven Universe, The Legend of Zelda, Welcome to Night Vale, Minecraft (sort of), and plenty of other things.

I have four agents at the moment: Chris, Ami, Miguel (who'll get a page someday), and Violet. They're in Floaters, so they can take on pretty much anything as long as I have the motivation for it. (Personally, I won't mission anything rated above Teen at this point. Even though some of my favorite fanfics have an M rating, I want to keep my missions as Safe For Work as possible.)

My two major fandoms that I'm most knowledgeable about are Harry Potter and Doctor Who, though I also love Percy Jackson, The Kane Chronicles, Ranger's Apprentice, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, Phineas and Ferb, Pokémon (games only), RWBY, Animorphs, Order of the Stick, Minecraft, World of Warcraft... *rambles on for several minutes*

As for my agents, my primary pair is the Aviator and Zeb, though just a heads-up: I've written... *goes off to check* sixty-two PPC stories, so you probably don't want to start with my stuff. ^^;

Harry Potter, Mass Effect, Cardcaptor Sakura, Sailor Moon, Magical Lyrical Girl Nanoha, Pretty Cure, Yu-gi-oh!, Digimon and Persona. I also really like visual novels, favorites being Kana: Little Sister, Katawa Shoujo and Fate stay/night (searching for the last three might be slightly NSFW)

I currrently have only one agent pair, in the Department of Floaters:Aiko Kimura and Henry Asclepe. I have got only one mission in and it's definitely NSFW.

Besides that, you should know that I dream of becoming a published novelist someday.

Sorry I missed you the first time around-- was busy and whatnot. Welcome to the PPC! Have some hydrophobic water to commemorate this event. A key component to the Grand Unified Theory.

Now, in response to your questions...


1) I'm a rather avid gamer-- therefore I'm quite knowledgable in the Legend of Zelda, StarCraft, Portal, Mass Effect and Half-Life series, and I dabble a bit in Halo. In more traditional mediums, I enjoy Discworld, (new) Doctor Who and am a hyper-casualcore Star Wars fan. The last one being for the cool spaceships, man.

2) My main agent is Gaspard De Grasse of DoI. He's on one of the teams in charge of sorting incoming badfic, assigning stuff, and slowly losing faith in humanity with every fanfic that pops up on his computer terminal.

I also am responsible for Guardsman Emiranlanoamar of Gallifrey, Naya'Keegan vas Headquarters (formerly Iktomi), and Terabyte -- my DIA Special Response trio. Got a situation in HQ? Agent team got in deep trouble on a mission? Did Harris Frost cause another disaster? Special Response is on the case.

3) Got a question about math or physics? I can probably answer that-- I enjoy the stuff.

For fandoms, I've got a lot of them. The most recent ones for the moment are Dresden Files, Persona, RWBY, Supernatural (thanks Das Sporking), Lord of the Rings, Nanoha, the 3 first series for the moment, Harry Potter, Mistborn, Doctor Who, Buffy... Think I gonna stop for the moment.

Their first mission is still on finishing stages before I call for betass, but I've got two Freelance Assassins, Richard Legard and Marina Nicodelli. Hope I can it ready soon.

After that, I'm pretty much a Fantasy, RPG, STR-loving Nerd lambda, who also likes pure cocoa chocolate and black coffee, although tea is also liked. I'm also reading a WWII uchrony right now.

1) It's a bit hard to state my fandoms because they change over time as new things catch my fancy. I'd guess the current ones are The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars (Snoke, pffft), Doctor Who, Warframe, the Cosmere (Brandon Sanderson's 'verse), the Culture, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Harry Potter, Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha and RWBY.
2) I write agents Desdendelle and Lump of the Department of Floaters and agents Navare and Amris of APD-Nanoha.
3) I like tea. All hail the Great God of Tea!

If your story desperately requires an intricate knowledge of the trade-networks of late Third Age Middle-earth... then, actually, I'd love to read it, but I don't think it does. ^^

That said, someone asked questions, and you all know what I'm like. ^^

---

A lot of the answers are 'we don't really know', but since when has that stopped me? I took a few minutes to sketch out the known or inferred trade landscape of Middle-earth:



The first thing to note is that the continent is divided cleanly in two. Gondor and Rohan form a cohesive whole - they have masses of trade up Anduin, and a major road leading from the capital into allied Rohan. With Dol Amroth by the sea and various towns near the mountains, if you're in Gondor and Rohan, you can probably get hold of most things.

But they don't trade with the north. We know how much trouble Boromir had making the crossing at Tharbad - he lost his horse - so there can't be regular trade up the Greenway. So why have I drawn a big red line west of the Misty Mountains?

Saruman. Saruman traded with the Shire, and was interested enough to place spies in Bree. Saruman definitely uses the Greenway (possibly he has a hidden crossing outside Tharbad proper). Given that he doesn't really have much trade with Rohan, he also presumably has economic ties to his neighbours to the west - the Dunlendings who end up in his armies. Isengard is part of the northern economic area; he's not tied into Gondor's trade networks.

So, to the north. Over in the east, we have the trade network laid out in The Hobbit - Mirkwood, Dale, and Dorwinion down by the Sea of Rhun (no, it doesn't come from Bree, I'm afraid). I've included the Iron Hills in that area, since I doubt the dwarves all returned to the Lonely Mountain.

Dwarves are actually a key component of the northern trade network - they cut through the Shire on their way from the Blue Mountains to the Iron Hills (and later Erebor). They were seen, I vaguely recall, as somewhere between tinkers and peddlers - it's not noted as unusual that Gandalf brings dwarves with him to Bilbo's Party, or that they bring goods with them (though the Dale-marking is unfamiliar to the Shire-folk).

Elves also pass through the Shire, heading to or from the Havens, but they don't do so as traders - they camp out in the hills, and folk like Sam never see them. The Big Folk are known of, but not often seen (though Gandalf didn't get given suspicious glares or anything); we can probably infer some trade with Bree-land, though it seems the hobbits in both regions didn't travel.

In general, the Shire is a pretty insular economy - they have a strong tradition of re-use (see: mathoms), and until Saruman stuck his nose in, there's no indication that they had much new stuff. It was all just... well cared-for.

Bree-land is basically a farming region; it probably sprang up around the Prancing Pony and the Forsaken Inn (a day's ride east of Bree), as a stopover point for dwarves from the Blue Mountains (but it did so waaaaay back in the Second Age). I suspect the main trade pattern is: Barliman buys from the farmers, the farmers buy from travellers (and each other), travellers stay with Barley. The 'product' is food and rest, not anything exciting.

Rivendell isn't on the trade-map: one of the most subtle charges against Clbr_n is that it has traders coming to Elrond's hidden valley refuge. Yeah, no. Elves go there, and Rangers; other folks don't.

---

Moving on to your specific questions now, keeping in mind everything I've said above:

Salt probably comes from dwarvish mines in the Blue Mountains. There's no trade with the South, and the Havens don't seem to trade. So Sam might've bought a little every time a party of dwarves came through (there's a ficlet for you).

Money is one we've looked at recently, in the Boozonomics thread. Gondorian currency features two coin names, the castar and the tharni. The tharni is worth a quarter of the castar, and is also used to mean 'farthing' (as in East-, West-, South-), so what we have is coin names for 'penny' and 'farthing'. (These are the Westron names; in Sindarin, they're mirian and canath.)

It's a reasonable guess that Gondorian money is the same as Arnorian - they were economically connected, and words like 'penny' aren't going to diverge too much when the language itself - Westron - remains cohesive. So Barliman's silver pennies were castar. Per <a href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1mzkG-ImZWhzOdFJLYEmgazNjOMu-qdu0yMLNZ2phik/edit?usp=sharing">the Booze Standard spreadsheet, I've estimated them as being worth about £65, or somewhere between $70 and $90 (this is buying power, so the difference isn't the same as our exchange rate).

That makes a silver farthing worth about £15, which is far too high for the smallest currency unit - and silver is a precious metal anyway. Since a) I vaguely know that some old currencies had the same coin struck in different metals (for different values), and b) copper is a common metal for cheap currency, having copper pennies and farthings seems reasonable. Per the spreadsheet, copper is worth about 1/12 the value of silver (in the real world); given that Elves like the number 12, and Tolkien grew up with a system of 12 pennies to the shilling, 12 copper pennies to the silver penny works quite nicely. (This puts a copper farthing somewhere around the price of a drink in an inn, so yeah.)

The actual coins are probably a mix of different things - some Gondorian, some old Arnorian (probably the gold), possibly Isengard coinage, some dwarf- or even hobbit-minted coins. Barter would probably have been used in a lot of situations - rangers aren't going to be carrying much cash around, and Gaffer Proudfoot isn't going to force Gammer Bucklebey to scrape together some coins to buy potatoes when she can just promise him some of her eggs next time the hens lay some.

The Shire Post has a gorgeous line of Middle-earth coins, for what it's worth. They're not based on anything in the book (hilariously, they've turned the silver penny into a silver shilling, so they don't even have that!) but they're very nice. I have some. ^^

Paper is easy to make from wood pulp; I think it's fairly common. Bilbo was able to acquire a diary after setting off after the dwarves with nothing, for instance, and I think the majority of hobbits were literate (in the cirth, not the tengwar). Bree... well, if you say Barley was unusual, I'll accept that! Bree, Archet, Combe, and Staddle were basically inhabited by farmers, so they didn't need to read.

Bree-land's government is unknown. Bill Ferney doesn't get arrested for his assumed part in letting the horses out, so perhaps it's 'rule by the strong'. If Bree is a market-town for the other villages, it could be the leading merchants who run things. It's not the Rangers of Arnor - they're viewed as suspicious.

Sugar and spices... well, honey is a good source of sweetener if you don't have access to actual sugar. Do you have a quote for the spices? I can't think of anything, but if it's there, then I'd guess at Dorwinion, by way of Erebor. Maybe dwarves like curry. ^^

I think that covers most of it? And will take a few days to read? :D

hS

I can answer with a bit of World One knowledge.

See, mining for rock salt isn't the only way to get it; the Bunyoro trading empire was built on the Kibiro salt industry, and that was based around panning for it in Lake Albert. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if Mannish kingdoms near the sea, Dol Amroth being probably the most likely example, traded heavily in salt as a luxury.

However, the biggest thing to remember is this: how does it advance the narrative to explain in exhaustive detail the trade network of Eriador and Middle-Earth in general? I mean, Tolkien did like to wander off on discussions of stuff, but he's hardly Victor Hugo; his was a legendarium of tales and songs and the oldest, oldest stories, not a complete history of absolutely everything that went on. Remember that Tolkien's work was written long before the idea of "history from below" as codified by E.P. Thompson, and (and this is total guesswork on my part) I doubt very much that the Professor would have given so much as the time of day to Marxist historians like Thompson, Hobsbawm, et al.

However, don't let this discourage you. I'm sure hS can fill in the details - after all, he found the Gondorian coinage you mention (the castar and the tharni) and his Numenorean flying ironclads - but ultimately it comes down to this. If you can plausibly leap to it from stuff in the text after a close reading, then you're probably fine. =]

I'll let one of the resident experts answer the question, but I would like to pose one for you. I understand what you are trying to do, it can always add to a story, but it can bog down the story as well. So my question is, for your story to work, do you really need all that extra? I only ask, because it brings to mind Moby Dick. One of the biggest issue many readers have is the fact that a large chunk of the story is less fiction and more Whaling Treatise. Many readers might have trouble if you go too deeply into the details on something like that.

Of course if you think it works and won't bog down your readers, by all means go for it.

"Finally! My turn." He looked around at the assembled guests, then at their presents. Aside from the insta-kill gun that the Aviator now held, nothing seemed very appealing to take. The Spy briefly thought about stealing the revolver from the Time Lady but thought better of it. He walked up to the table and took the final gift.

"Right then. Let's hope it's actually something good this time..." he muttered as he opened the gift. He lifted a bottle filled with reddish liquid from the box. "It's a, um, thing. Drink. What is this?" he asked to the room.

She'd been watching as the others received their gifts and now that her turn had finally come up, she'd already made her decision. As the pile of presents slowly dwindled and the odds of there being something cool left grew smaller and smaller, she figured taking one of the two remaining gifts just wouldn't be worth it.

She waved at the Skarmory sitting across from her. "Oi, Falch," she called. "Gun please."

"Ah! It's me! Oh, vhat kind of lovely surprise vill be surprisink me today? Ve shall see, ach ja, ve shall see-ee!" He bounced -- quite literally, and with some measure of complaint from the sousaphone still wrapped around him like a particularly noisy life preserver -- over to the pile of presents and blew a brief fanfare. "Ohhh, I am feelink lucky, my vord yes!"

The Doktor knew in a moment what he wanted. It was the most present-shaped present out of the lot, right down to the pointy rosette and the beautifully-tied ribbon, and since he'd spent a brief period of time as a Christmas present, he knew of what he spoke. It seemed... perfect. There was just one teensy-veensy little problemette. A truly bijou problem, perfect for the first-time buyer.

He flopped over to the closest biped, who happened to be Lola herself, and nudged her with his tuba. "Er, excuse me. Could I possibly be prevailink upon you to help me vizz my present, please? My partner, vell, she left our RC in a bit of ein hurry, und I cannot vork zer Disguise Generator vizzout sprayink mein qwills everyvhere und turnink zer place into a minefield for her soft und fluffy paws. I am most unfortunately bereft of zer useful opposable thumbs, and, if it ist not beink to much trouble..." The Doktor shrugged helplessly, no small feat for a spiky pink balloon wrapped in a brass instrument.

Lola, on the other hand, just set her box of fluffy lifeform down on the table and crouched in front of him. "Of course I will, Doc! Least I can do for the compere." She grabbed the present (indicated by a gesticulating fin) and began to open it, making sure the paper didn't tear. "Must've been difficult to step up to the plate. Flop up? Oh God, I'm doing it again. My foot's so deep in my mouth I'll be wiping bootblack for a month, as my ol' mum used to say."

"Oh, it vas not beink so very bad," the Doktor replied, totally oblivious to the human's panic. "I admit I vas beink ein leetle nervous, but zen I vas sayink to mein self, Herr Doktor, you are ein Agent of ze Department of WhatThe. Zis ist not being so very scary! Not compared to Harry Potter doing somezink unmentionable vizz too much lukevarm coffee und completely insufficient lubrication, ja?"

"I'll, uh, I'll take your word for that, Doc," Lola said, her eyes widening slightly. The paper was then laid neatly at the side. Waste not, want not, after all. Then she actually looked at it. "Oh, mate, I'm sorry..."

"It ist beink fine," said the Doktor as he eyed the Tough Glove. His sousaphone gave a sad, deflated-sounding parp. "I know it ist not necessarily beink zer most useful of presents for ein fish vizzout zer humanoid hands und zo forth, but it ist still ein present und I vill enjoy it very much. Vhatever it is."

"Listen, cob, you seem like a decent guy, why don't we trade-"

"Nein, nein. I vill be entirely okay vizz zis, und vill vear it vhen I am beink in human guise und practicing vizz mein Biggenbrassenparpenthingen. Thank you so much for your assistance, miss..."

"Lola, cob," Lola said.

"Indeed. You vill alvays be velcome in RC 347, Lola!" The Doktor bounced off again, the new present clanking in the bell of his sousaphone.

"... Wait, how did he pick it up -- oh, never mind. I'll drink to stop thinking about that later." And Lola wandered off, her tribble box under her arm.

"So, does that mean we can pick our gifts together? Just this once?" asked Sarah.

"That would be a good idea," Whitney replied. "This way, we can save time for the remaining contestants."

The two of them stepped forward, nodding at each other, and simultaneously pulled out two different gifts. Whitney's was pretty tiny, but Sarah's was the largest by far, as tall as her and twice as heavy, and it was lucky her super-strength was up to the task of carrying it back.

Whitney opened hers first, raising an eyebrow. "Oooh, I hope I can adapt this to my dietary regimen. It looks and sounds pretty tasty!"

"What looks and sounds tasty?" asked Backslash, looking over her shoulder.

"The quesedilla recipe I just received. I'd like to cook up health-food-style Tex-Mex sometime, maybe even with the hot sauce that Crazy Dave used on the taco that kicks off the plot of Plants vs. Zombies 2!"

"I'll be the judge of that," said Backslash. "Perhaps you could teach me to cook as well, just in general."

"...You can't cook? Or the canon Shulk couldn't?"

Backslash looked visibly uncomfortable, so he tried changing the subject by calling, "Hey Sarah, what did you get?"

"Well..." The Super had peeled off the wrapping of her gift... and found herself hanging onto a giant cask decorated with a Viking motif. "...Let's just say I'm going to have to reserve a vault somewhere in the Incredibles equivalent of Fort Knox, preferably with a laser grid security system and a sixteen-digit combination lock."

Indeed, she and Lapis were trying to hold off a certain angel in a pink toga, who was reaching for the cask with a maniacal expression and screaming "MINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINE!"

"CUPID, NO!" cried Lapis. "YOU'VE ALREADY HAD YOUR TURN!!!"

He meandered near-spherically over to the now depleted pile of presents and examined the remains in close detail. With him was a silver bowl, though he would not use it; that, after all, would spoil the surprise and not be at all in keeping with the spirit of the thing. His soft, rather dainty hands ran over the remaining presents, and a keen-eared observer would have noted him mumbling to himself about the possibility of their contents. In the end, however, he turned away and rejoined his partner, the smile on his face only a little bit too wide.

"Miss von Lilith? I believe you have something of mine."

Her horn lit up, and she very carefully levitated a plain black present from near the top of the pile over to her. The pile wobbled three times but did not fall.

"Nice," said Chris. "What'd you get?"

She opened the box...and squeed happily. "A magician's hat!" She took off her ordinary black hat and plopped the top hat on her head. As it was sized for a human, however, it fell down over her glasses, knocking them askew, and also completely covered her ears and horn. "Uh-oh. Um, is there anybody who can resize this for a pony...?"

"I think it's time for number twenty, luv. That's you, right?"

VJ looked up from her plate of snickerdoodles, and turned towards the stage where not a lot of gifts were left. "Bah!" She handed William the place and a cup of ice cream. "Hold this, please!"

She hopped onto the stage and took a look around. One perfectly cubed package caught her attention. After a quick unwrap, which consisted of basically shredding the wrapping paper into confetti, VJ was holding a very pretty wooden box. It was salmon pink, polished and lacquered, with a matching lid. Just seconds later, the lid popped off and a small, plushie clown on a spring appeared with a loud "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

VJ yelped, dropped the box, and jumped away. She was staring at the wobbling jack-in-a-box, hissing like a cat.

I'll be updating this as the RP goes along. Note to self: do this earlier next time.

Agent and Gift Received

Falchion - R8 revolver - stolen by the Aviator - Parthenon puzzle

Wobbles - Dreamcatcher

Chris - Wii Balance Board

Cupid - Box of memes

Will - Dark Yagami's skull

Violet - Vial of glitter

Lola - Sue Whip - stolen by E.V.L. - stole the Tribble from Zeb

Gaspard - Duck box

Lapis - Stale candy

Rayner - Chocolate eclairs

E.V.L. - Sue Whip stolen from Lola - stolen by Algie - hi-fi speakers and triple album

Ripper - Epic of Gilgamesh

Stephanie - Shark tooth necklace

The Guardsman - Diamond pick

Kala - Suvian laser spanner

Zeb - Tribble - stolen by Lola - Harry Potter books

Miguel - Cocktail recipes and mixer bottles

Backslash - Drawing of Toon Link

Valon - Mini-Omnidroid

VJ - Jack-in-the-box

Ami - Magician's hat

Algie - Sue whip stolen from E.V.L.

Whitney - Quesadilla recipe

Sarah - Viking ale

Doktor Trollenfisch - Tough glove

The Aviator - R8 revolver - stolen from Falchion

Harris -

“Lesseehere…” He started pointing at each of the remaining gifts and singing to himself. “See how the game of life is playing all of us for fools… dancing a string around us, making all these silly rules…

Each apparent beat of the song, he pointed at a different gift. “See how he looks down on us like we’re acting out a show, throw the dice, and let’s see which head will roooooll…” He finished on a shaking box a bit bigger than a basketball. “… a present that’s pre-shaken, how thoughtful!” He popped it open, and found himself staring into the single eye of a five-armed metal ball.

“EEEEEEEEEEEEE! IT’S A MINI! MINIMINIMINI!” Valon hugged the mini-Omnidroid, which seemed to be getting rather dizzy from Valon’s overjoyed spinning dance.

Kala rolled her eyes. “If anyone didn’t see this coming, you really don’t know my husband too well.”

(OOC: The song is “The Game of Life.” Well, more specifically, it’s the English cover, sung by JubyPhonic.)

He stood up, prepared to walk towards the pile, and then decided that it would be better to reach over with his scarf and grab the nearest present, which was surprisingly small and flat. Whitney facepalmed.

"Show-off," Sarah mumbled, offering Cupid a tissue.

As soon as Backslash opened up his present, his eyes widened. "Is that... Toon Link and a Great Fairy?!"

"It looks hand-drawn," said Whitney. "I think this would make an excellent wall decoration."

"Why, I can't agree more! Whomever drew this, you have my thanks! And Whitney's too, I gue-OW!"

The trainer had whapped him on the back of the head. "There's no need for me to thank anyone," she laughed. "I'm sure this wasn't intended for anybody specific."

"...Oh. Never mind, then!"

"Bwuh?" Miguel checked his ticket. "So it is. Thanks, Chris." He headed for the stage. Fortunately, since the pile of gifts was much smaller, he could pick a gift from the bottom and not worry about the whole thing collapsing. He opened it carefully... "Oh my God. Please tell me this has virgin recipes in it."

"Wait, what?" his partners asked.

Miguel hung his head and sighed. "We got a book of cocktail recipes and some mixers. A virgin cocktail, if what I read on the Internet is true, is a cocktail without any booze in it. Since I'm fifteen and Chris is technically twelve..."

"I'll have to have them, too," said Violet with a serious expression. "I don't know what other parts of the Sue I used to be stuck around after I got rescued, and I refuse to risk finding out that I'm just as bad as Cupid where booze is concerned." A few rows behind her, a certain someone sneezed twice in a row.

Ami smiled approvingly. "How mature! I'm impressed, Vi!" She created a magical hand for Violet to high-five.

"Common sense isn't the same as maturity," Violet grumbled, but she accepted the high-five anyway.

"Ooh, is it my turn?" he asked. He checked his number and stood up, going over to the pile. He delicately grabbed a box in his mouth by the ribbon and carried it back to his spot, where he sat, puzzling at how to go about unwrapping it until the Aviator leaned over and pulled the paper off for him. "Thanks," Zeb said, nosing the lid off. He looked inside to see...

A ball of fur.

He tilted his head. "Um..."

The ball of fur purred and his eyes widened." Is that a Tribble?" he asked, backpedaling away from the box.

The Aviator leaned over to see for herself. "Looks like," she said, scooping it out of the box and cuddling it. "Aren't you a cute little thing?"

"Sure, it's cute now," Zeb said, "until you're neck deep in them and they've eaten everyone out of HQ."

Kala scuttled up to the pile of gifts and selected one of the smallest boxes. She rapidly tore the box apart, and looked at its contents curiously.

“… what is it? It looks like a sonic screwdriver, but I don’t recall those having a hook at the end, or having these really stupid eye-burning colors…” She pressed a button on the device, and a red laser connected the base and tip.

Valon stared covetously at the gadget. “… hon? I think you just nabbed yourself a laser spanner.”

"All right, my turn. Let's have a go at it, shall we?"

He sauntered over to the gift pile and examined it for a few seconds. Once again, there was a flat envelope-- but the Guardsman decided to skip it this time. Instead, he chose a largeish plain-looking box and returned to his seat. He popped the lid and lifted a diamond pickaxe from the box.

"Ooooh. Shiny," he said, turning the pickaxe over in his hands. "Right when I was considering putting money into some short-range bludgeoning weapon. Perfect."

"My turn my turn my turn! Let's see..." Her two tentacles grabbed a small box that seemed even smaller next to the eleven-foot kraken. "Ooooh, what's in heeere?"

Carefully opening the box, so as to not damage its contents, Stephanie found herself holding a bunch of bony triangles on a string. "Shark teeth?" Her skin momentarily changed to the shock-white color of fear, before its color and texture changed to match burnished gold. "I don't know who made this, but I love it!"

(OOC: Yup, Stephanie's skin is a mood ring when she's not paying attention to it.)

...and picked up a rather tiny gift in his jaws, before carrying it back to his seat. The object inside looked rather delicate, so he had to be extra careful peeling the wrapper off with his teeth and talons. Inside was... a book.

Falchion looked at the book in confusion. "Uh... Ripper? Are you sure you can read that? It looks like it's written in some kind of alien language-"

"It's Sumerian. It will take me a while to translate it, but I could hopefully transcribe it. Perhaps it contains some secret message that only a very specific recipient can understand..."

"Ah. I'll leave it up to you, then."

(OOC: Terribly sorry about the wait! Between preparing for my new job starting next week and working on a new mission, I haven't gotten the time to do Internet things as often as I'd like. Hopefully that'll change once I get my schedule reorganized after the job starts!)

...who stepped in and immediately plucked what looked like a gift-wrapped bag from the pile. Taking it back to her group, she opened it up and...

"...What the heck? I know this isn't as nasty as E.V.L.'s glitter, but who in Unova would wrap up and mail-order a pile of stale candy?"

"Can I eat it? I'm hungry!" Cupid piped up.

Lapis' face turned slightly blue. "No, don't! What if it's turned into something poisonous?!"

Rayner, meanwhile, had stood up as well, and picked another box from the pile. He undid the wrapper, opened it up, and pulled out something much more appetizing: A box of chocolate eclairs.

"I'd give these to you and pick something else, Cupid, but you've already got your gift. Ah well. Chocolate's fine by me."

"Can we share?" asked E.V.L.

"NO. Also, it's your turn."

E.V.L. smiled broadly. "Alright, then. Time to sow the seeds of chaos. Algie, give me that whip."

"But you already have your-" Rayner began-

"Give. Me. The whip."

(OOC: Totally forgot that I was next in line. Derp.

EDIT: Edited twice - Turns out I had the next three turns in a row! Saving Ripper's turn for after the fallout from this post, btw.)

In response, the Spy snored gently in his chair. His arms were crossed over his chest and he was tilted precariously to the right in his seat. Harris, who was seated next to him, looked around the room at the other guests.

“It’s your turn, Gaspard. Wake up. “

Again, he snored. Harris leaned over and poked his colleague with a finger. “Hey, wake up.” No response. Harris got up and tapped Gaspard’s shoulder. “Come on, now...”

Gaspard started leaning more and more to the right. As the inevitable approached, Harris stepped back. “Well, that’s sure to wake him up,” he muttered as Gaspard fell to the floor with a crash.

“Argh.” Gaspard slowly got up and looked at Harris, who wordlessly pointed at the gift pile. He then noticed the entire auditorium staring at him. “O-oh! S-sorry, I, um, I…” He felt his cheeks burn with embarrassment. “I-it’s just th-that I had a, um, long day, er, days and I haven’t had m-much, er, time to… um… sleep, and I’ve not b-been having the best times recently, and, em…”

“Just grab your present, Gaspard,” said Harris as he regained his seat. “C’mon, keep it moving.”

“O-okay… Sorry…” Gaspard quickly made his way to the pile of gifts, staring at his shoes all the while. He selected the first thing that he saw—a medium-sized box—and quickly shuffled back to his seat.

Cheer up, he thought to himself. You should be happy that you got a present. You don’t want to look like an ingrate, do you? Smile. Remember to smile. Be normal. Smile, and be happy. Whatever is inside will make you happy. It’s going to make up for the awful day you’ve been having.

Still conscious that all eyes were on him, he slowly lifted the lid. It was weighted and seemed to be holding something down. A small wheeze escaped from inside the box. He swallowed nervously and opened the box. He was greeted by a Pandora’s Box of wailing, squealing rubber chickens. After the infernal noise died down, Gaspard was left looking at the box, lid still in his hands.

“Thank you,” he said quietly to whomever was the owner of his box and, for reasons he didn’t quite understand, dissolved into a giggling fit, pausing occasionally to draw breath and wipe tears from his eyes.

---

((Don't worry about him. He'll be all right after his fit.))

"Come in number seven, your time is up," Lola muttered under her breath. She'd rather lucked out, in her estimation of things; not right at the start when everyone was staring and all excited, but not so low down that she'd only be left with the presents that spat sparks. She bounced amiably up to the stage and managed to avoid tripping on the mike, and looked up and down at the presents. Algie's big lump of a thing was supporting a few of the others, so that was out. Hm. What was another box...

Her gaze alighted on a disc-shaped present at the bottom. Intrigued, she selected it and finally unwrapped it. And there it was. A Sue whip, made of 100% ethically-sourced glitter-powered abomination. She ran her fingers gently along the length of it, feeling how the hair was still salon-soft, despite having been hacked off the Suvian or Suvians in question some time ago and still containing flecks of glitter, sparkling like hot pink diamonds.

Then a bad thing happened. A very, very bad thing. It was very easy to tell how bad of a thing it was, because of how much Lola was grinning.

"I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AN' FORTH, I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AN' FORTH, I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AN' FORTH, I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AN' FORTH..."

Algie, who knew how to look for the signs of the Commander breaking into song, had quietly sidled off to the impromptu bar at the back.

She hummed the Lunar Sanctum theme as she walked up to the stage. "Wow, check out all that shiny wrapping paper!" She picked a small box with red paper and opened it. "Aw, what?! Whose dumb idea was the glitter?!"

With his hands hidden inside the frock coat's pockets, William casually strolled onstage. He briefly glanced over the packages, before picking one. There was no need to deliberate; every box was covered with a gift wrap, so why not just let Lady Luck decide? The box that William grabbed was wrapped in black paper and dark red ribbon.

"Oh? What do we have here? Let me see..." He reached into the box, and pulled out... a skull. Seemingly a human skull, except for the front part which had way more eye sockets than necessary. Seventy-nine, to be exact. William grabbed the skull with one hand, and raised it slightly above his head. He then put his other hand against his forehead, and looked at VJ. "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio..."

His partner only smiled and shooked her head.

"I should’ve put a sign on that Balance Board saying, 'Batteries not included'!" Whitney chuckled. "It comes to life once you put them in, by the way."

"Well, that explains why it threw me halfway across the room when I tried to use it," said Backslash. "I'm not so concerned about the batteries, though, but rather the fact that those guys don't have a game to go with it!"

Whitney facepalmed. "That's what I was missing! I'll tell you what, uh, Chris? That's you, isn’t it? I'll send you a game disc for Wii Fit as soon as I can, and one for Wii Fit U as well to compensate for today."

Backslash reached over to Cupid with his scarf and poked him in the side. "Uh, Drunky? It’s your turn."

"Huh? Oh! Right, coming!"

A few moments later, the angel had brought back a rather large box. He tore the wrapping to shreds, opened it up, and-

"THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAA!!!"

Lapis, as usual, screamed in terror and leaped onto Rayner’s head. It was then that the two agents noticed the words "BOX OF MEMES" written on the side of the box.

Cupid stared into the contents of said box for several moments, during which they let ouy more memetic cries of "AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA", "PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME", "HEEEEEYAAAAAAAAA", etc. Then he shut the box and stared off into space.

"...I have mixed feelings about this."

(OOC: As of today, I will be doing all of my Internet things from Chevy Chase! The road trip there and unpacking all my stuff was the reason I wasn't available to post earlier, so I apologize if you were expecting something sooner. Anyway, I've decided to challenge myself for this Gift Exchange - since I have no less than nine agents participating, I want to see if none of them gets a gift from each other, i.e. each of them gets a gift originally sent in from an agent from another Boarder. With that, let's get started!

As a reminder, the rules for the Gift Exchange can be found here.)

"D'awwww," the Skarmory cooed, stepping forward towards the massive pile and singling out a rather small present.

"Adam, you featherbrain, it's 'awe', not 'aww'!" called Sarah, facepalming with a laugh. "With an 'e'!"

"I know that!" Falchion replied. "I already awed at the pile in general, but I think this little shiny box looks pretty cute! Y'know what, I'm taking it."

Picking the box up in one of his talons, he hopped back to his place in the crowd, pecked it open, and pulled out...

...a gun.

"Oookay, not as cute..."

((...for ease of access. Here we go!))

Edit: I'm blind. Didn't see the other post down below.

This might be less a actual list of fandoms, more a list of everything that I can remember stuff about off the top of my head... *takes deep breath* Star Wars, Pokémon, Percy Jackson, Heroes of Olympus, Kane Chronicles, Dragonfable, Bakugan, Minecraft, Mods included, Madness Combat, Scott Pilgrim, Wings of Fire, Eragon, Epic Battle Fantasy, Secrets of Droon, The Last Dragon Chronicles, Alcatraz Vs, The Reckoners, Erebos, Lord Of The Rings, Lego, Cars, and some other things that I will perk my ears up to whenever someone says something about them. I know some things I have not actually experienced, so I will not say them, as I don't believe I have a right to call myself a fan of that. pleas not this is not a list of stuff I like, more a list of stuff I have read/watched.

Here is your appallingly late starter Pokémon:-

Iiiiiit's Absol!

And your starting item is:-

Clockwork Chainaxe from Dungeons of Dredmor!

Now, this set rather screwed you over, primarily because you miss out on the excellent Mega Absol, which is always a risk with this gift gimmick. On the other hand, Absol's a pretty damn good physical attacker anyway, if a little fragile, and Clockwork Chainaxe gives every physical contact move a +25% Damage bonus and a 50% chance to break through Reflect and/or Light Screen. Give your Absol the ability Super Luck and the moves Night Slash, Hone Claws, Stone Edge, and either Superpower or Play Rough, depending on what you think you're going to be facing. Just be careful when you use him, mkay? He's pretty much a glass cannon. =]

So, a fellow Pokemon fan? Then for your newbie gift, have a Starter Pokemon of your choice, any generation.

It looks like you dabble in quite a few fandoms. Do they happen to include the anime Bakugan Battle Brawlers by any chance?

*high-fives* Here's a sheet of Star Wars stickers (sadly not including BB-8), a Poké Doll, and a bucket of popcorn to eat while you read the Original Series!

Welcome, welcome! Here, have a slice of Infinite Pizza! :D

Have this pot of black-hole coffee, please. Don't be afraid of participating here. We're crazy, but in the awesome way.

Since other people (read: the wonderful Iximaz) already asked the Important Questions, I'll just give you this cup of — wait a sec, there weren't supposed to be any bunnies in here!

It took me a while to build up courage to introduce myself to this awesome lot. But don't worry. This is just about the friendliest and most welcoming community out there, so I'm sure you will feel like home around here in no time! :D

Have a Bag of Holding, which will be sure to come in handy, what with the truckload of welcoming gifts you're about to get. People are very generous around here! Also have a Rorschach Book, which can change into any text you wanr it to. Just close your eyes while holding, think about what you wanna read and then blink three times.

Have one of my own shed feathers and a complimentary kit of Spikes!

It will turn into your favorite type of candy once put into your mouth. Welcome!

Have an urple ocarina (and earmuffs of wilver for the sound it makes). The name's Alleb; you can call me Alleb. Iximaz already covered the base questions, so I'll just bid you welcome once more! I hope you like it here; it's a brilliant little corner of the internet.

-Alleb

Hello, and welcome aBoard! For your newbie gift, take this plate of freshly-made SPaGhetti!

If you haven't yet read them, may I point you towards the Original Series and the Constitution? They're pretty much the only required reading around these parts. Another useful resource you might use is the Wiki; if you have any questions, just look here before asking. We like it when newbies do the research. ;)

Also, a few questions: what are your fandoms, and do you have a preferred pronoun?

Hope you like it here!

The only things we judge here are badfic, old spot. You're quite safe. =]

Anyway, here's your (shamefully late, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa) starter Pokémon:-

Iiiiiiiiiit's Seadra!

And your starting item is:-

Placebo from The Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth!

Placebo's a pretty excellent item, being effectively the ability Harvest in a can. You put two Berries in (Berry Juice doesn't work, alas) and give it to your 'mon, and when it drops down to the relevant level of health, one gets consumed. Each time you consume one, there's a 50% chance it gets replicated, though without the 100% chance in sunlight, alas. It's an interesting item and useful on sweepers, so try putting two Chesto Berries in it and give it Surf, Ice Beam, Dragon Pulse, and Rest. You should be extremely survivable, if you invest your EVs in HP, Special Attack, and Speed, but it takes a lot to beat out Eviolite on a not-fully-evolved 'mon like Seadra. Does it? Try it and find out! =]

I'm curious, are you also a lawyer IRL, or did you just like the look of an Esq. suffix in your username?

Since you already have a Bag of Holding, have a Hoothoot. A perfect companion for when you're burning the midnight oil.

And welcome to the Board. We hope you'll have fun and learn a lot alongside us.

I'm new here also, so I guess have a pen! It's mightier than a sword! I don't think anyone's going to judge you here, we all came for different reasons.

I see you have an esquire suffix to your username... Say, how familiar are you with the Plot thing we do here every once in a while? I have a feeling your name would fit right in. ;)

In the meantime, have one of my own shed feathers and a complimentary kit of Spikes!

I see you have an esquire suffix to your username... Say, how familiar are you with the Plot thing we do here every once in a while? I have a feeling your name would fit right in. ;)

In the meantime, have one of my own shed feathers and a complimentary kit of Spikes!

Welcome to the PPC! Have an urple ocarina (with some wilver earmuffs to block out the noise). I hope you like it here; 'tis a fun little corner of the internet.

Ah, Lovecraft! I've only recently read The Call of Cthulhu-- any advice on what of his to read next?

-Alleb

Don't worry. Plenty of us were lurkers before we joined, myself included.
I think it took me a few months between finding the TOS, the Wiki and reading a few spin-offs before actually joining the community. People around here are very friendly, welcoming and understanding, so you shouldn't worry too much. Plus, we do like people that do the proper research before joining. :D

Please have a Bag of Holding so that you can store the truckload of gifts you're getting. Also a Rorschach Book, which can change into virtually any written text in existence. Just close your eyes, think about what you're wanna read and then blink three times.

Don't worry, we're all more or less normal here. Here's some Scotch tape and four bottles of Bleeprin! Trust me, you'll need both :)

Welcome! Here, have a slice of Infinite Pizza! :D

Heya and welcome aBoard! Since you've already read the stuff I normally link, I'll just give you this plate of freshly-made SPaGhetti! Hope you like it here!

Since you've read the stuff, the only question I have to ask is your preferred pronoun. Other than that, here have this cup of — no, get out of there, you silly peegs, those are teacups, not playhouses.

Have a bag of black-hole chocolate. Seems you got the basics covered, and even more. Wecome to the crazyhouse. Hope you'll find fun here.

Dafydd and Constance's conversation reminded me way too much of my parents while they're working in the garage.

"Alright, now to take some pictures of the plane for documentation..."

"You can't take a picture of the garage in this state! It's a mess!"

"What, you want us to put away everything before taking a single photo?"

"Not everything, just the tools, and the metal shavings, and the clecos lying all over the workbench—"

"So, everything?"

Also, nice to see the doors make a reappearance. :D

Can't really comment too much on the LotR-specific stuff since I'm not too familiar with it, though "It was blindingly obvious that the 'artist' has not only never been to Arda, but had also never seen a living plant." made me cacklesnort.

10/10, would read again.

It's always nice to see more of Dafydd's take on things musical, and domestic scenes chez Illian are always a joy. I may not agree with him on Enya (she always seemed a bit whalesong-y to me) but then, that's what music is supposed to do; mean different things to different people. Fantastic work. =]

... because I got to read the edited version.

Then I’m even later, because you made me reading the badfic (that’s potentially a bad thing) in an attempt to understand what’s going on.

So, I liked Kala and Valon’s interactions, the switching that made the obvious replacement actually Harry’s uncanonical twin, and the Mythbuster testing. But the mission didn’t really work for me, because some parts seem rushed and not well thought trough.

Technical errors first:

His eyes went wide, before he frantically covered covered his ears.
Repetition.

Where did this mini-Stu come from? Throughout the badfic, Harry’s twin is consistently called Micheal, so this is just an unusual name, not a misspelling of what you may have expected to be the Stu’s name. Actually, you are misspelling the Stu’s name throughout the mission.

Kala had decided that it was past time to stop asking where he got things.
So there was no sense in stopping now, but then she didn’t ask? (Double negation.)

Overthinking things:

What happened to the entity pretending to be God?

"God" promptly vanishing at the end of the first chapter, leaving only "Lucifer" and "Reaper" to be neuralyzed is a bit too convenient for my taste. I don’t see anything in the badfic that justifies this event. (If it was just because his role in the story was finished, why didn’t "Lucifer" and "Reaper" vanish too?)

Actually, it is quite inconvenient. This is not the biblical God (His existence in the Potterverse despite never being mentioned in canon is at least debatable), nor a god specific to the Potterverse. How can canon reassert itself unless this uncanonical entity is thoroughly removed? And your agents just allowed it to escape. It certainly didn’t remove itself when it "vanished", it just went elsewhere.

Potential solution: Since this isn’t a god from any recognizable canon, it doesn’t get omnipotence per its canon of origin’s definition; incidentally being called "God" doesn’t make you invulnerable, and the badfic never implied that this entity is invincible. Actually, it appears to be quite weak, depending on its siblings. (They brought the Stu to "Heaven" and did most of the talking, implying that they would and could do what they talked about intending to do. All "God" did was making the Stu remember the flashback and all it talked about was its plan of passively letting the Stu kill people.) Why not just shoot it and then neuralyze the others and send them home?

What happened to Harry?

Since Springtrap was actually Micheal, the brat he met at Gringott’s was actually Harry. So, Harry is a spoiled brat who grew up with his parents, who should be dead. Shouldn’t something be done about this? Was this all covered by neuralyzing other canons and putting Lily and James back in their graves?

Why was tying up Springtrap so easy? And blowing him up, too?

He got super strength (the strength of ten man), and agility and speed (faster than the fastest human), and he can cause powerful hallucinations to scare humans off. Now, Kala isn’t human, and I don’t remember exactly how strong and fast she is, so I can’t say that it is impossible.

He also was able "to interfere with the workings of technology", apparently in a non-physical way. Why didn’t he simply disarm this Big Red Button? Well, he was six years old when he was killed, and had only one month after waking up. How much could he possibly have learned about technology and the best way of interfering with a remote control that will trigger an explosion when the button is pressed? Again I can’t say that blowing him up is impossible, but I would have liked to see this addressed in the mission.

And although I said that I liked the Mythbuster testing, I would have appreciated if Kala and Valon, after tying the Stu up, had tested whether it’s possible to cut and smash him with hand-held sharp respective blunt objects. Sure, he had asked for immunity to blunt and sharp objects, but then "God" forgot to tell the Stu about the abilities he got without asking, and Plushtrap had to do all this exposition about his and Springtrap’s joined and unique abilities, and when it came to physical impact after all the overpowered magical and elemental stuff, all we heard was "we cannot be harmed by projectiles". There is no implication that this list isn’t conclusive, so "God" or its siblings apparently forgot to give the Stu what he had asked for.

Yeah, exploiting a badfic’s weaknesses is far too much fun. Why did you make me read this thing and spend a whole afternoon on this?

HG

I usually start with the positives, but in this case, please pardon the departure from the norm, as I believe this error (made twice) needs to be addressed first.
Twice, you mention characters in such a way that we should have already been introduced to them...when said mention is the very first mention of the character. To wit:

Michael… sadly, he can’t live. He enables too much of this fic to occur, and he can’t assimilate into canon.
At this point in the mission, the reader has never seen the name "Michael" yet. It's only in the next scene that we find out that Michael is Harry's uncanonical brother. But the way Valon says this line, it is obvious that Valon and Kala know who Michael is. I'd suggest moving this line further into the mission.

Spring-Harry… sorry, Spring-Michael and Blair Blacking will conveniently be in a place for us to deal with them at the same time.
Same thing. The reader never got introduced to Blair Backing before, so the reader has no idea why she needs to be dealt with.

One more error, a minor one in comparison:
I think we can confirm; the Spring-Bonnie suit was replaced as well.
Delete the semicolon or rewrite as follows: "I think we can confirm it: the Spring-Bonnie suit was replaced as well."

That said, onto the positives: Aside from the major errors (I had to use CTRL-F to make sure that I didn't somehow miss a mention), I was not lost in your mission; I could follow it well. And the double-replacement's death was a stroke of brilliance. Even the most OP of Stus has a weakness.

One question: When you were writing this fic, did you consider charging for the many comma splices throughout the fic?

While I liked parts of this, I really don't think this was your best work. The agents did a lot of standing around talking, but I don't remember once getting a sense for what they were doing while talking. It gave me the impression that they were just standing out in the open where anyone could see them.

And then there's the inclusion of Truth. Since he appears to be on a godlike level from what cursory research I've done, I can understand why he'd know about the PPC... but the question I have is why did you include him in this story when there's not so much as a hint of FMA anywhere in the fic? The fact that you dragged a canon cross-continuum for seemingly no reason other than because it seemed cool... well, we have a department for that for a reason.

Everything else was good and I enjoyed the rest, but Truth especially just kind of ruined it for me.

I squee'd when I saw Truth come up, just so you know. :V

And this was a nice mission. Clean execution of fic and Stu. Very nice explosions!

Thank you for writing, as usual! ^^

I apologize for not being able to do more beta work, thanks to Real Life keeping me busy. I hope I can make it up to you should there be another mission from you in the near-distant future.

In the meantime, I hope you get at least some form of Internet access back at your home soon! I've missed your presence on the Board. A lot.

So much glitterbags busted. Never leave again.

P.S.: Be very,very glad it wasn't MegaTen Lucifer. Anyone who ever saw Nocturne would say the same. Truth is already troubles enough. ;)

Holy Goddess, that was weird. I just...why...? (And I loved the "PPC Mythbusters" gag XD)

This shouldn’t be surprising, because I don’t know anything about RWBY. Astonishingly enough, I could follow the events quite well, until this happened:

The Aviator waited while Zeb opened a portal and disappeared through it, pulling a DVD copy of volume one out of her pockets.
Was Zeb suddenly genderbent, did he actually pull the DVD out of the Aviator’s pockets, or was this the Aviator pulling the DVD out of her pockets while she waited for something?

Zeb closed the portal behind her and approached the Stu.
So Zeb was genderbent? Silly me! The Aviator pulled the DVD out of her pocket while she waited for Zeb opening the portal and disappearing through it, so that she could follow, and then Zeb closed the portal behind her.

Only at the beginning of the next page I realized that actually the Aviator had disappeared through the portal while pulling out the DVD, and Zeb didn’t pass through a portal before he approached the Stu. Putting a comma between "Zeb opened a portal" and "and disappeared through it" might have spared me a lot of trouble, although the sentence still looks a bit weird.

Fun mission. I liked it.

HG

Also: Do I sense some Sofia The First missions in the future? ;)

I liked the joke about the Wassailia candles and the Festivus pole. I don't remember what the Feats of Strength are, exactly, but I bet seeing Zeb try to complete them would be hilarious anyway. :)

I guess it was only a matter of time till RWBY got a straight-up bad anime OC, given how anime-like it already is. Has somebody written a story about where Ren came from? I know Jaune's from another part of Remnant, but I think Ren's from the equivalent of China as well...? Gosh, I need to get back into RWBY.

The Suethor couldn't be bothered with following canon even for a line, eh? And he treated Weiss and Yang that way... Would sending him to Death Battle so Yang could destroy him would have been forbidden? Because he so deserved it.

The way you killed is still wonderful. A shame your plan just... fell in the water at the end.

For the Coolness! You're in good company - LOTR, Narnia, and Sherlock; I love them as well (among other things)! And I'm a Minnesotan, by the way. Which state are you from?

Anyway, welcome aBoard! Aside from one of my own shed feathers, have a ring that makes you invisible and a replica of the wardrobe from the first Narnia book!

Welcome to the PPC! Have an urple ocarina (and some wilver earmuffs to block out the noise). Methinks you'll fit in perfectly with us. :)

Also, you and I like a lot of the same things! *Narnia fan high-five*

-Alleb

The first word is Portuguese for hello, so you can add one more language to your list :)

Yeah, the PPC is indeed an awesome lot, isn't it? And we rather like it when people do the appropriate research before joining, so kudos for that.

Anyway, have a Bag of Holding, so that you can store the truckload of gifts you got and also have a Rorschach Book, which can change into virtually any written text in existence. Just close your eyes, think about what you wanna read and then blink three times.

Welcome to the PPC Posting Board, a place where dreams and hopes come true, and magical gumdrops rain from the sky every morning.
I offer to you: my own faith in your abilities. It comes from the heart. Not like that silly materialistic rubbish.

(That's a very formal greeting in Amharic, btw)

Anyway, welcome to the PPC! Here is your starter Pokémon:-

Iiiiiit's Slakoth!

And your starting item is:-

Spikestrip from Risk of Rain!

Well... Spikestrip's a brilliant item for certain types of mon! It activates when hit and lowers the attacking Pokémon's Speed stat by 2 stages, but the problem is that Slakoth's stats are pretty ropey and it doesn't have all that much bulk, even for Little Cup. However, the biggest downside is that Slakoth is lumbered with Truant, which is pretty much the worst ability in the game, and it doesn't get Entrainment so you can't be tricksy and shove it onto the attacking 'mon. If you must do it, go for EVs in HP and Physical Defence, with Bulk Up, Slack Off, Body Slam, and Shadow Claw. Or you could wait for it to evolve into a Slaking. That is also an option. =]

(That's a very formal greeting in Amharic, btw)

Anyway, welcome to the PPC! Here is your starter Pokémon:-

Iiiiiit's Slakoth!

And your starting item is:-

Spikestrip from Risk of Rain!

Well... Spikestrip's a brilliant item for certain types of mon! It activates when hit and lowers the attacking Pokémon's Speed stat by 2 stages, but the problem is that Slakoth's stats are pretty ropey and it doesn't have all that much bulk, even for Little Cup. However, the biggest downside is that Slakoth is lumbered with Truant, which is pretty much the worst ability in the game, and it doesn't get Entrainment so you can't be tricksy and shove it onto the attacking 'mon. If you must do it, go for EVs in HP and Physical Defence, with Bulk Up, Slack Off, Body Slam, and Shadow Claw. Or you could wait for it to evolve into a Slaking. That is also an option. =]

I'm glad what we do speaks to you on a personal level. Here's a Spanish-phrase-of-the-day calendar and a bunch of golf pencils! No, I don't know where I got them, either.

Welcome, welcome! I'm gonna call ya Sky, since I'm exceptionally lazy. But for now, have a slice of Infinite Pizza!



Seeing your fandoms, I think we're gonna have a lot to talk about! :D Also, since you're a native English speaker, I better have you in my contacts; you never know when a good beta comes around!

Welcome to the board! Have a pen, it's mightier than a sword. It's full of secrets, you'll see as you use it.

(That'd be Hebrew, spelled thus: שלום.)
Since you've read the stuff, here, have this cup of — no get out of there it's for tea not for hamsters, dammit.

Anyway, newbie! *glomps anyway* Heya and welcome aBoard! As your newbie gift, please take this plate of freshly-made SPaGhetti!

Since you've already answered the usual questions I ask, allow me to ask you one: Are you planning on only one agent? The general recommended number is two, since agents work in pairs (and occasionally teams). Unless you plan on writing with a friend, and in that case, awesome. :)

Anyway, hope you like it here!

Have some black-hole chocolate, please. Now, You pretty much said everything important about you, but I think you also should check the FAQ about Permission on the Wiki, if you're so hellbent on joining. Hope you're here to stay.

Welcome to our humble point of the internet. Have a BIRD OF MAGNIFICENT DESTRUCTION for your troubles.

My e-mail address is hidden from the spam bots on my wiki user page.

HG

And I must say, I'm looking forward to her reaction to the full trilogy (and the Hobbit too!).

I mean, they're canon characters, they're not immune to a neuralyzer. SOP works pretty well here.

Here.

While the first Google search for Blood Rose, no quotes, gives me the badfic, the search for one year back turns up one hit related to the fic. Never mind that it was published in October 2013, so it doesn't quite hit the time requirement to make Legendary status.

I am all in favor of putting this on the Bleepfic list, though, since it's "bad, but not quite Legendary... yet".

... is charge for nearly everything, but then make my agents just plain forget some of the charges, focusing on the big ones. Valon has been known to say "and some other things I'm probably forgetting."

Although one thing I can say for certain: your chargelist should not take up more than half of a Google Docs page. If it's that long, consider cutting some out of the list.

As for when you should go for the execution? That depends on your decision and the story being missioned. Some fics are too short for it to be worth going in early. Others are so mind-bendingly long that you're better off finding an early cutoff point. Still other fics, you take it down before it goes into territory that you REALLY don't want to deal with.

Hope that helps!

Read missions rather than the Wiki. The Wiki is there as a reference guide, not to replace the source material.

Read some missions, see what you think works.

hS

Long charge lists are boring to read through. Too-short charge lists miss on important stuff. I'd say shorter is better than longer. For example:

“Nova, I charge you with genocide, murder, grand hypocrisy, terrorism, trivialization of trauma and the previous crimes, banalisation of mass murder, and disgracing the name Takamachi Nanoha. The sentence is death.”

This works, and any additional word will take from the effect.

Or, to put it in more practical terms, however many you need to make an entertaining story.

"Adéle does not 'like' explosions, per se. She is merely rather accident-prone."

BOOM!

"... like so."

Anyway, somebody get the popcorn.

I guess Alex found his Librarian equivalent, though with PPC tech she's not going to remain haughty for long.

Especially since her Z-space "you-don't-have-anything-this-good" attitude is pointless when the PPC has what pretty much is teleportation with the portals.

Can't wait for more!

I remember reading about them a long time ago. I finished the series last year. It went from a series that sounded lighthearted to me, and then fridge horror set in. Finally, it went into "This is Reality" for me. I still can't believe they had 54 books.

I had to use Google to figure out what an Andalite was. I'm pretty sure I had nightmares about them as a child, so that's good. That face looks like the face of the thing at the end of 'I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream.'
Aside from the mild mental scarring, jolly good story!

I wonder if what's-her-name (drat! Forgot already!) will mellow out once she sees the craziness that is PPC technology, or whether she ends up being the only friend of a certain female Time Lord.

Either way, good inerlude.

A few errors:

1) Alex’s cheer was abruptly cut off. “Waitwhat.”
I know that you're trying to convey that Alex said those words in rapid succession, but I don't think that the sense of "WTF?" would be lost by punctuating:
"Wait, what?"

2) “Right then, um, Farilan, if you’d follow me please.”
Missing comma before "please".

3) The doors to Hornbeam’s office were easily at least sixty feet tall, but there was a smaller door set into the left hand, larger door
Hyphenate "left hand".

...in a long time but I do still remember what the centaur girl is upon initial description.

"Internlude." Hehe. I had a moment where my brain went "Look, a typo," and then I got the joke, and it was even funnier.

The only maybe-negative thing I have to say about this is that I wish it were longer. I'd love to see Miss High and Mighty get her first real taste of PPC runs-on-nonsensoleum technology and have to come to terms with the fact that all her Andalite science is precisely worth a poot when it comes to making CADs work. Not that it'll cure her attitude or make her respect Alex more, but it would be fun to watch. *g*

Aside from that, yay, new Andalite girl and more DoSAT, and Hornbeam was in it, too! ^_^

And now, we should do that other thing. I am currently not working, so I have oodles of time. E-mail me when is good!

~Neshomeh

First of all, congrats to Alex. You did it, buddy!

Second, wow... I know I'm going to enjoy reading about Farilan. What is it with beings with superiority complex that makes them so amusing?!

On a side note, I wonder who would out-superior who: Farilan, or the Librarian... Please make that happen! :D

I guess once she saw one of these bigger on the inside time-machines, smugness dropped? Congrats for Alex though, both for the place and the princely gift. Guess something bad had to happen to him to balance them...

My email is reillybf AT msn DOT com (replacing with symbols and removing spaces where necessary).

CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU
ON THIS DEAR DATE
MUCH HAPPINESS
MANY YEARS OF LIFE!

GRAB THE CHAIR, BOYS! WE'VE GOT ANOTHER BUCKET-KICKER!

HIT IT!

Happy Birthday, my olde friend!
It seems this horror show will never end.
Any moment's your last breath,
Here is to another day closer to death.

Many happy returns!

I hope all the delicious, teeth-rending food takes the fact that you're one year closer to death off your mind!
butseriouslyhorriblejokesaside - Happy birthday!

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
MAY ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE
HOPE NOBODY MAKES YOU BLUE
AND YOUR CAKE DOESN'T EXPLODE IN GOO!

*blows noisemakers*

Aragorn, King of Dale, defeats Witch-Kings of Gondor and claims Mordor for the elves.



Here's the situation in around 1200 of the Second Age. The Elven realms are growing ever more fair: Lindon is blossoming in the north-west (around Mithlond), and there's a lively trade around Khazad-Dum, Eregion, and Lorien. At this time, a powerful and beautiful stranger calling himself Annatar, 'the Lord of Gifts', comes out of the east, offering aid to the elves. Gil-Galad and Elrond bar the gates of Mithlond, refusing him entry.

At Ost-in-Edhil, Celebrimbor, Galadriel, and Celeborn of Eregion... do exactly the same.

Sauron (yes, it was him) returns east, his plan to corrupt the Noldorin kingdoms a failure. He managed to gain some influence in the other elvish realms - Eryn Galen, for instance - but they are Sindar and Nandor, and Morgoth's heir has no interest in trees. So he holes up in Mordor, building the great fortress of Barad-Dur, and preparing.

In Eregion, Celebrimbor's folk continue their research into 'magic' rings, trying to stay the ravages of time on their realm. With no Annatar to drive them out, Galadriel and Celeborn remain in the Noldorin realm, lending their skill. Over the centuries, the art of ring-making is perfected: from minor rings the smiths progress to Rings of Power which can preserve mortals against death and heighten the bearer's innate powers, and then, finally, to a single Great Ring which can sustain an entire nation against decay.

The Rings are gifted to Eregion's allies: to Durin of Khazad-Dum, to Gil-Galad, Elrond, and Cirdan, to Amdir of Laurelindorenan, even to mortal folk living on their borders. But the Great Ring is kept by Celebrimbor, and worn by him alone.

Somewhere around S.A. 1800, Sauron completes the millennial labour that is the construction of Barad-Dur. He openly declares himself as Morgoth's Heir - but the time is not yet ripe for him to strike. His agents attempt to sow discord among his enemies, while the Dark Lord waits for an opportunity, and a pretext.

By around 1900, he finds his opening. Hordes of orcs swarm across Middle-earth, advancing through what we know as the Gap of Rohan and entering Eregion in war. They are aided by the mortal men of the forests, who rise up against the Numenoreans oppressing them, and swear fealty to Mordor.

The Ringbearers gather in Ost-in-Edhil, bending all their might against the Dark Lord. They have no hope of victory - Gil-Galad's overtures to Numenor have been turned down flat by Tar-Ciryatan. All they can do is prolonge the siege as much as possible, to buy time for their folk to flee.

Yet Numenor comes.

Not out of friendship with the elves - Tar-Ciryatan has long disliked their folk, and in his court speaks openly against the Ban of the Valar - but to protect their own interests, the logging grounds and the haven at Lond Daer. The Numenorean Grand Fleet sails up the Greyflood and shatters the years-long siege of Ost-in-Edhil. Sauron's army is in tatters, and the Dark Lord flees back to the east. The Free Peoples have their victory, and Eregion stands.

Yet the Shadow is still spreading over Numenor. Men of Westernesse continue their mass deforestation of the lands immediately south of Eregion, and their cruelty to the native mortals causes sporadic uprisings. Anti-elven sentiment rises in Numenor, until eventually, hundreds of years after the defeat of Sauron, the inevitable occurs: war.

The Numenorean navy again sails up the Greyflood in battle. Ost-in-Edhil is caught unawares. There is to be no second Siege. Numenorean fire meets elven art - and it is the elves who are broken.

As Eregion falls under the iron fist of Numenor, a second fleet blockades Lindon. The soldiers do not attack, but their message is clear - any attempt to relieve Eregion will be met with death.

The great folk of Eregion flee through Moria. They are not welcomed in Laurelindorenan, but continue northwards to found a new settlement around the upper Anduin. In their former home, Numenor gathers up all the magic artefacts it can find - including many of the Rings of Power. Tar-Vanimelde, Ruling Queen of Numenor, will never yield the sceptre: she and her husband will reign forever, and her armies will be led by immortal generals.

The centuries pass. The situation in Numenor grows worse and worse. Lindon, under threat of invasion, slowly empties, ceding the lands west of the Misty Mountains to Men. In the east, Sauron's armies grow once more in power. In former Eregion - and further south, around Anduin's mouth and down in Umbar - the Numenoreans build havens, claim territories, and take slaves. A clash is inevitable, somewhere, between some parties.

Sauron moves first. Jealous of Numenorean power, he seizes their lesser forts up Anduin - and in the north, Gil-Galad and Celebrimbor, influences by Sauron's agents, declare their own war. An alliance of elves and dwarves storms out of Khazad-Dum and down into Eregion.

But all involved have underestimated Numenor. Ar-Abârzîr (Tar-Vanimelde's Adunaic name, for she no longer allows the High Elven tongue to be spoken) storms into Middle-earth. Her armies are unstoppable, and her invisible spies, bearers of Rings of Power, can penetrate any camp not staffed by Eldar of Valinor.

The attacks fail, and worse: the leaders of both agressors are taken captive. Sauron, Gil-Galad, Celebrimbor, Galadriel, and Durin IV are borne in chains to Numenor. Khazad-Dum is laid waste, Numenorean soldiers cross the High Pass, and the Last Alliance of Elves and Dwarves are forced to flee beyond Greenwood, to the Long Lake and Lonely Mountain. Immortal Numenorean generals are set in place over the various fallen realms - including Mordor.

In Numenor, Ar-Abârzîr's captives are paraded before the people. It amuses the Witch-Queen of Westernesse to listen to their bargains and pleas - and that, of course, suits Sauron just fine. It isn't long (a couple of hundred years) before he is able to convince the queen to listen to him.

In whispers he tells her of Celebrimbor's Ring - the Ring that can give her back her beauty, rescue her from her shadow-life, but let her keep her powers - nay, even make them greater than before. Swayed, Ar-Abârzîr takes the Great Ring from Celebrimbor - and, when it does not do as Sauron promised, has the Elven smith tortured to death over several years, trying to extract the secret from him.

It takes Sauron longer to bring about his true goal. Slowly, slowly, he persuades the Queen that the Valar are responsible for her half-alive state - that if she can conquer the Blessed Realm as she has Middle-earth, she will have the life she craves. Centuries pass as Ar-Abârzîr prepares her armies, develops her technology (using captured Elven smiths), and lays her plans.

With the elves no longer an active enemy in Middle-earth, the Faithful of Elendil's line (for Elendil himself is long-dead by this time) have something of a resurgance. When the Witch-Queen finally launches her attack, they are ready - not to sink her fleet, nor to attempt to sieze the throne, but to rescue the imprisoned Elvish leaders and flee to Middle-earth.

The Faithful's plan succeeds. So does Sauron's. When the Witch-Queen sets foot in Aman, the Valar lay down their guardianship of Arda. The world is made round. The only escapees from the Downfall of Numenor are the small ships of the Faithful, bearing their precious elven cargo.

But there is more to the Numenorean world than just the isle. Armies and immortals still watch over Middle-earth, and they are not about to bow to Faithful traitors.

Here is Middle-earth after the fall of Numenor:



The Faithful land in abandoned Lindon and take the treacherous ways north of the mountains to Erebor. The Numenorean havens unite to form a Kingdom in Exile - but an Adunaic-speaking one that is hostile to the elves. Sauron's spirit cannot return to occupied Mordor - he flees further east. Since the fall of Numenor and the loss of his body has weakened him to the point where he will take centuries to recover, the Downfall is accounted the end of the Second Age.

The Third Age will have to be sketched in broad strokes. A mingled civilisation of elves, men, and dwarves is built in northern Rhovanion, taking in the Greenwood and the Iron Hills, and extending down as far as Dorwinion on the Sea of Rhun. They face incursions from the east as Sauron rebuilds, and an implacable enemy to the south.

The Numenoreans build a nation across the south. With Eregion's trees long gone, and the 'New Hollin' settlement constantly raided by the folk of Erebor, they pull back to the Greyflood. Calenardhon (=Rohan) and Dunland make up one facet of the kingdom; southern Gondor and the lands down to Umbar make the second; Ithilien and Mordor (when it's not held by the orcs, which happens fairly regularly) make the third. The last three Numenorean immortals become three kings, sometimes firm allies with each other, sometimes in open war. They will always unite to counter the elves, Sauron, or the Haradrim, however.



hS

Does that count as a plotbunny? I feel it's more of a backstorybunny. Or an AUbunny. Not a bad AUbunny, though I'm not sure if I'm the right man to judge.