You've (probably) read missions that spork songfics. Well, here's a mission that is, itself, a songfic!
* * *
Agent Josie groaned and hugged the blankets tighter over her head. Her partner had already shut off the alarm, but the RC was now filling with guitar riffs, rising in volume. Here we go again, she thought.
Franklin ripped off her blankets in one easy motion. "♪Back in black♪" he sang, and Josie found herself already fully dressed in PPC uniform.
"♪I hit the sack♪" she tried to complain, but it came out song against her will.
"♪I've been too long; I'm glad to be back♪" Franklin began gathering equipment, so quickly he blurred a bit as he moved around the room. "♪Yes, I'm let loose♪" He found a tied coil of rope from somewhere, shrugged, and added to the rest of the weapons. "♪From the noose♪"
"♪That keeps me hanging around♪" added Josie, with a longing look at the rope.
Suddenly, they were jumping through the portal into the Word World. Looking at the clouds over Barnett College, Franklin continued the song. "♪I been looking at the sky 'cause it's getting me high♪"
Josie muttered, "♪Forget the hearse, because I'll never die. I've got nine lives—♪"
"♪Cat's eyes♪" Franklin interrupted, pointing to a woman with slit pupils and clothing that definitely did not exist in the 1930s. A crowd of students and faculty was following her wake, entranced.
The two agents sang in unison, "♪Abusing every one of them and running wild♪
* * *
Once the Sue tracked down her target in Hamilton Hall, he was awestruck by the cat-eyed woman.
In a weird, falsetto voice that didn't sound like Indiana Jones at all, he sang, "♪I can tell that you are the most beautiful girl in the—♪"
"♪Room♪" finished Franklin. The agents were listening from outside the door to Jones' office, which contained exactly two humans.
Josie snickered. "♪In the whole wide room♪" she added, earning a grin from Franklin.
Inside, the Sue glowered towards the doorway. Jones hadn't noticed anything, and continued to sing. "♪And when you're on the street♪"
"♪Depending on the street♪"
"♪I bet you are definitely♪"
"♪In the top three♪" Another round of snickering.
"♪'Cause you're so beautiful, like a . . . tree♪" The Sue raised an eyebrow at Jones.
The agents in the hallway had to cover their mouths to stop from laughing aloud at this. Jones was either fighting the Suefluence or really, really addled by it.
Franklin started to add, "♪Or a high-class prosti—♪" but Josie smacked him in the nose.
The Sue knew she heard something that time. She got up in a rage and walked to the doorway. But there was nothing there, except for a nasal voice floating down from some distant hallway: "♪You could be a . . . part . . . time . . . model♪"
* * *
Over a map of the world, a simple drawing of an airplane traveled from New York over the Atlantic Ocean to Egypt.
"Man, I love this canon's scene transitions."
* * *
The Agents followed the archaeologist and the . . . whatever the Sue was supposed to be from the Cairo International Airport to an unspecified pyramid. A hidden passage had led the two characters into and endless stream of battles with an army of mummies. (Ironically the mummies were actually canon for the continuum, but the airport shouldn't have existed prior to World War II.)
It was, perhaps, the least interesting fight scene against armies of monsters that had ever appeared in fiction. Despite the tight quarters of the passageway, endless numbers of enemies and nearly total darkness (Jones had at least brought a torch), the Sue and Jones were meeting little more effort than they would have strolling through a country park on a quiet day.
The Sue turned a corner, knocking a mummy away with one hand and pulverizing it into dust. The agents trailed behind just outside the range of Indy's torch light.
The Sue killed another five mummies with three bullets, barely looking to aim as she continued towards her destination with no map. She proclaimed, "♪We call them fools, who have to dance within the flames. Who chance the sorrow and the shame that always comes with getting burned♪"
"♪Standing outside the fire?♪" Josie questioned.
"♪Standing outside the fire♪" Franklin confirmed. Then, both agents sang together. "♪Life is not tried, it is merely survived if you stand outside the fire♪"
The Sue smiled at Indy, who followed along beside her, but smirked after she looked forward again. "♪We call them strong, those who can face this world alone, who seem to get by on their own. Those who will never take the fall♪"
Franklin shaped his hands into a vague airplane shape and raised is arms towards the ceiling. "♪Wanting to glide higher and higher♪"
"♪I can't abide standing outside the fire♪" Josie flipped open the chamber of her pistol and checked that it was loaded.
* * *
The Sue and her tag-along canon had found a . . . thing. It was in a large chamber hidden inside of a fake sarcophagus. The Sue seemed to think it was very valuable, although the agents thought it would be difficult to sell something that tried to be about seven different colors at once while its edges continuously wavered, and that may or may not have been hovering in mid-air. The agents wound up missing most of that scene due to the headaches brought on by looking at the questionable artifact for too long.
Franklin downed another smiling mouthful of Bleeprin. "♪All I know is working on drugs feels better when they're prescription! All I know is the world looks beautiful, the world looks so damn beautiful♪" He started rocking back and forth.
Josie was taking one tablet at a time, raising it to her mouth slowly, putting it inside just after swallowing the previous one. Then, she started chewing while reaching for the next one. She quietly sang, "♪Daydream. I fell asleep beneath the Flowers for a couple of hours on a beautiful dream♪"
Suddenly, their demeanors reversed. Franklin slouched against the wall and drawled out, "♪Sometimes I'd liked to slow things down. Enjoy the moment. But when I look, the moment's gone♪"
Josie jerked up and smashed a fist into the stone wall. Glancing about wildly, she sang forcefully, "♪As I spy from behind my giant robot's eyes, I keep him happy cause I might fall out if he cries. Scared of heights so I might pass out if he flies. Keep him on auto-pilot cause I can't drive♪"
But the moment passed; Josie settled back down and put her head in her hands, while Franklin began to get jittery again. "♪All I know is work is easy when you don't stress out about deadlines. All I know is to take my medicine; I always take my medicine♪"
Through her hands, Josie mumbled, "♪Daydream. I dream of you amid the Flowers for a couple of hours. Such a beautiful day.♪"
* * *
The Sue had left Jones trapped in the treasure room, and was absconding with the torch and the unnameable something, unaware that Indy had already been neuralyzed and portalled back to Barnett. She wasn't yet halfway back to the entrance when a male voice, accompanied by guitar chords, echoed out of the darkness.
"♪You got your war on science and your dusty roads. Reverse logic tricks and shadows♪"
The Sue picked up the pace, running through the hidden passage.
"♪Morbid fascination with other people's souls. Like watching cars crash, your false bravado♪"
Her running speed put out the torch, and she dropped it to clatter on the tunnel floor. It didn't matter; she had made these tunnels.
"♪You try to rewrite history, add a little mystery. You're still waiting for your time to come♪"
Left. Left. Right. Up. Down. She would be out soon. Left. Right. Wrong?
"♪You're still waiting? Oh the moment's gone.
Yeah, it's gone♪" The last line's echo faded into the background as the Sue found herself in a strange section of tunnel. The walls were all grey, and there didn't seem to be a way out, except for the shimmering blue doorway she had just run through.
Suddenly, the treasure in her hand seemed to lurch on its own. It settled down into one color, and the edges became defined—it had settled down into a simple gold coin. Still valuable, but significantly less special.
"No!" the Sue started to shriek, but her voice changed timber halfway through, sounding more like an animal's wail. She felt herself shrink down, suddenly very near the floor. If she could see her reflection in a mirror, however, she would find solace upon discovering that her eyes were still the same.
A figure appeared through the portal, a woman. She gave a simle— not a nice one. "Sorry about all the singing," she said. "My partner can't help it; he comes from Glee. As you can see, he's far enough away now that it's no longer affecting us."
She raised a pistol from behind her back. The Sue flattened her ears against her head and hissed.
"That doesn't mean I can't quote a song, of course. So how about this? 'You may hate me, but it ain't no lie. Kitty, bye, bye, bye.'"
* * *
*Missions are not songfics. (Yes, I know about Ekwy's musical, but that wasn't a mission proper.)
*doctorlit can't write a decent mission in under a year? >> Maybe?
I seriously would like feedback, not just on the story here, but on the idea itself. I don't think I've ever heard a single positive thing said in this community about songfics, not even the "rare but possible to do well" that Mary Sues get. I have a Sound of Music mission in the (long distant, eventual) works, that would be treated very similarly to this. (Though probably with more filking of lyrics, for plot reasons.)
All the songs I used here appear on the <a href="http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/PPCSoundtrack">PPC Soundtrack. I have changed and rearranged lyrics a bit to make them work in some places.
I was going to link to YouTube videos of all the songs, but I have company over now, so look them up yourselves.