Jul 2013 Archive, part a

Hi.i dont know any ppc characters so im doing a self insert.
Kitty Edenwas at her desk, working. Her latest assignment was to sort out the Suvian Colors and find suitable real life matches. Not a pleasant job, especially at 2 in the morning. Well, it was her own fault for slacking off work. There was a rap at the foor. "Come in," Kitty called, not bringing her eyes off her desk. It was probably just a Flower checking in on her. The door creaked open suprisingly dramatically, considering how run down it was. in swept the most handsome hunk of a boy kitty had ever seen. Kity opened her mouth to propose to the unofficial love of her life...
the boy slumped forwards with a delicate moan. Kitty covered her mouth in shock and horror. She rushed forwards to checkhis vitals. She recieved a slap in the face.
"Thanks,"she said, rubbing the slap mark. "I needed that."
The agent who had slapped her sighed wearily. "Yeah, one of the newbies went and got infected with Vambiolaria. Now we've gotta go and exorcise him."
Kitty tried to stem her rapid heartbeat. "I bet hes a real hunk when hes not like this."
The agent laughed sarcastically. "He's the tp computer nerd for the unpopular group. And he has acne."
"Typical."
Kitty sat down and started looking for the ever elusive 'Purite Bledangle'. The othet agent hogtied the Marty-Stu an dragged him out of the room.
Just another day in the life of a PPC agent.
Dum de dum.

...but I don't think I'll have time before this ends up on the next page. Are you planning to do another one, hS? Say...in 1-2 weeks or so? /hinthint/

Pfff, just thought of a dream sequence...which just stopped being a dream sequence. I think.

This is probably canon. It's set sometime after Charlie and Brenda figure out how to get along, assuming they ever do. The mission isn't a real fic, as far as I know.

--

Charlie Shoe sits alone in her RC. Suddenly, someone knocks on the door. She opens it, and, lo and behold...

"Pippin!" she gasps. The hobbit gives her an odd look; she takes it and hugs it to her happily. "Wh-what are you doing here?"

"I'm not Pippin," the hobbit says. Now he's giving her a funny look, and Charlie tries to fight back giggles when she takes it. "My name is Will. I work in the Cafeteria. Did you know the food there's disgusting? It's disgraceful! My friends and I are going to change that."

"You--you will?" Charlie breathes. "Oh, Pip--Will, you'll be the hero of the entire PPC!"

"Of course I will," says the hobbit, and suddenly becomes Will Turner, complete with a sudden puff of smoke. Charlie stares. "Now all I need are some butterflies, an octopus, three jammy dodgers, and a squid..."

And then he starts to become an elephant, and Charlie screams, and then--

"Charlie! Charlie, wake up."

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

"Shut up, you. Charlie, we've got a mission. Wake up."

Charlie opens her eyes to the familiar ceiling of her RC, and turns her head to blink blearily over at Brenda Loringham. "I just had the weirdest dream..."

"That's what happens when you nap between missions after eating Sue Souffle. Oh, yuck, this idiot thinks she's a unicorn. In PotC-verse. And she falls in love with..." Brenda stops, blinking. "What in the--the Black Pearl? This is a parody, right? Please tell me it's a parody."

"Does she mess with Will?" Charlie sits up, and tries to neaten her now-messy blonde hair.

Brenda hesitates. "She...gores Elizabeth. Ouch. Does that count?"

Charlie gets to her feet and starts reaching for weapons. "She's dead."

"Well, yeah, being gored by a unicorn generally--"

"So's the Sue."

Brenda grins. "Now that's what I like to hear. I knew there was a reason I stopped complaining to the SO about you. And Charlie?"

"What?"

"Put your shirt back on. And take the pink ribbons out of your hair."

"Yes sir'm," Charlie mumbles, and obeys.

[A character in the PPC hears a knock at their door. They have a visitor - but it's the last person they would have expected...]

"Sir Sharpsi, a bit higher, yes, yes, perfect! Ushdag, the spider silk and the cotton should not be on the same shelf! Put them on different shelves! Astaghfirullah, Bilza, why haven't you finished folding? I knew I should have these done back at the factory!"

Dark Lord Aakmal is looking rather undark with his anxiety and fear of possible embarassment at his first shop. He had always walked from door to door, trying to sell the silk to unsuspecting housewives and hooby tailors. But for the first time, he has his own, legal, unsuspicious shop. And oh my, it is in the PPC universe! Well, if the other universe is where his rezeki is, so be it. At least he didn't have to face questioning by the police for employing gorilla lookalikes.

Suddenly, they heard a knock in the door.

"Have we installed the doorbell yet?"

"Yes, My Lord, you did it yesterday."

"I must've connected them poorly. Let me see who's there."

Dark Lord Aakmal quickly runs to the door, unlocking the lines of locks and keypads the Orcs had installed. Aakmal makes a mental note to remove most of the locks later. And encase the holes left with cement. Or mithril, if he knows where to get some.

"Oh, do they have so many precious things to hide here? I thought the cave's where all the preciouses go."

After fumbling at the door for a few minutes, Aakmal quickly opened the door, giving a most sincere smile to... and he lost the smile almost immediately.

"Hello, I heard there's a new shop here. I hope to be the first to visit it. Are you Mr. Aakmal?"

Agent Dafydd. Also known as Maglor, son of Feanor, the participant of The Oath, second in wrath and skill to Maedhros himself. Excellent singer too. Or so what his orcs told him.

"Yes, yes, I am. A moment please, Sir."

Aakmal immediately locks as many locks on the door as fast as he can, walks away from the door, and then shouts as loud as he can.

"ANAK FEANOR!!!" Child of Feanor.

All orcs gets the cue, and hides themselves wherever they could. In the shelf, covered with silk, in the baskets, covering their bodies slightly, even a few that stood in artistic poses, covering themselves in cloth, to give the impression that they are exotic statues from somewhere.

After ensuring everyone is hidden, Aakmal unlocks and opens the door.

"Come in. We, I mean, I, am honoured to receive you. Agent Dafydd, yes? I heard a lot about you." Aakmal says nervously as he extends his right hand to be shaked.

Agent Dafydd smiled as he extends his left hand. Aakmal quickly reaches with his left hand and they shake hands together.

"You must have fever. The shop's cool, yet your hand is sweaty."

"Sorry, sir. Been nervous, first time open shop."

"Watch your grammar, my good man. PPC doesn't take kindly to grammar mistakes. It causes much ruin, and are the Suethors' greatest weapon."

"Thank you for the advice, sir."

"Can I look around?"

Aakmal thought for a second, then nodded, "Yes, sure."

Agent Dafydd looked into every cloth and apparel on sale at the shop. The gambesons, the silk shirts, the cotton, and even some cheap jeans Aakmal had brought from a cheap dealer.

"Your silk, Mr. Aakmal, is quite soft, and nice to look at too. Can I rip a sample?"

"Oh yes, Let me bring it for you."

Aakmal quickly gets a small silk handkerchief. Ushdag's head is exposed by Aakmal's action. Aakmal quickly covered her head with another pile of unfolded clothes.

Agent Dafydd takes the handkercief, hold one side of the handkercief with his foot, and tries to rip it off with his hand. After a few seconds, he gives up.

"Very strong. It must be Shelob's spawn that give you this."

Aakmal can feel his trousers being very wet. A few seconds later, it is. Agent Dafydd laughs.

"Ahaha, Hah, HAHAHAHAHAH! Oh god, you peed in your pants! But no, I'm not here to kill any orcs today. Why not call your workers out? I assure you, I mean them no harm."

Aakmal, looking rather stiff with fear, lifts his hand and motions all the orcs to come out. Everyone uncovered themselves, and slowly walked to Aakmal, then stands silently.

"Thirty of you?"

"We have others at our hiding place." Answered Gul Sharpsi. Aakmal is about to retort, but Gul Sharpsi holds Aakmal's shoulder, calming him.

"Well, as I said, I mean no harm to all you, including you, Dark Lord Aakmal."

Aakmal shoots an alarmed look.

"Oh come on, everyone talks about a new shop, opened by a Dark Lord. Of course I know you'll be the Dark Lord. Dark Lord Aakmal and Orcs' Amateur Boutique and Armourer, all the pamphlets go. Seems like you put Orcs and Spawn of Ungoliant to good use. All Elves would be applauding you, for doing the impossible, at least."

"The Orcs learnt to be good themselves, I only act as their connection to the wider world, Agent Dafydd."

The rest of the Orcs nodded in unison.

"Oh, drop the Agent title. It's Mr. Illian now. Well then, can I have a purchase?"

Aakmal quickly snapped himself out of his own trance. He clapped his hands, and every Orc runs to their respective stations. Aakmal is about to go to the cashier, but Gul Sharpsi stopped him.

"My Lord, perhaps it's well that you take a day off. Clean yourself off. And Mr. Illian, come, let us see what you'd like to buy."

"Yeah, I think I should." Aakmal walks to the toilet for a quick shower.

[Well, how does it go?]

Will follow up this post with my entry once computer cooperates, and once I finally have this month's Monitor up (it is coming!). For now this is a note so I don't forget.

And now, on to concritting!

This is canon, but won’t happen for a good while yet. Thank you, hS, for picking a topic that allows me to be a tease. Has not been beta’d. Sorry, EF, more seriousness.

Vania jolted awake at a sudden sound, throwing her ponytail into her face as she lifted her head.

Through her obscuring hair and unfocused vision, she saw Sora floating face up with his eyes closed—the “Continue” screen of Kingdom Hearts 3.

Knocking again: the sound that had woken her up. Two hard thuds.

Vania huffed a sigh and let her head her head fall back against the bleen-colored bean bag chair, flipping the ponytail back out of her face.

She addressed a muffled scuffling behind her. “Doooooooc. Would you please get the door when you’re already up? I’m barely awake down here.”

The scuffling stopped. The knock repeated.

“Doc?” Vania tilted her head upwards to see the rest of RC251 upside-down. She was completely alone—no partner and no minis. “Uh.”

Maybe Doc was right about that bug problem.

A really noisy bug problem.

Another pair of firm thuds distracted Vania from her confusion. “Coming! I’m coming!”

“Me too!” shouted Luxury from somewhere nearby.

Vania wrestled her way out of the bean bag chair, spilling more stuffing out of the duct tape holding it together. “If you’re a spam bot, you’re getting thwacked!” Vania warned as she stumbled to the door. She opened it and started to say, “Can I help—” before stumbling back with open mouth and eyes.

“Hello, Vania Tolluk.” The man wore a torn grey vest over a yellow t-shirt, and blue jeans dribbled with dark red splotches. “I see you have a new partner, now.”

“Paul.” Vania’s attention was drawn back to her former partner’s face, and the messy, slightly spiked bleach-white hair above it. She remembered that Paul had done his hair that way to make it look more anime, and remembering that made her remember everything how is he here what did I do get out GET OUT

“I see you remember, now. No more excuses, no more avoidance.”

“Get out!” Vania yelled, her voice rising to a hysterical high pitch. She tried to fling the door shut and back away. The door, however, banged against think vines that were growing in the way, swinging back open, while Vania’s ankle caught on a tree root poking from the RC’s floor. She landed on her back, staring up at Paul, blinking away the raindrops every time they fell too close to her eyes.

Eyes. Paul’s right eye was now all black pupil, while his left was an empty field of white.

“You’re not Paul!” Vania yelled.

“Paul is only a memory now,” said the something wearing Paul’s face. “Thanks to you, Vania.”

“Noooo . . .” Vania moaned and spun around onto all fours, pulling herself away from “Paul,” clawing through video game cases and leaf litter that were wet from the increasingly heavy rain. If she could just reach the console, beat the sound of footsteps following her, and make a portal . . . the console should have been this way, but all Vania could see was the storm-darkened jungle.

“What about Doc, Vania?”

“No!” she shouted, her voice scratchy from anger and screaming. “Get out get out GET OUT!” She flipped over and glared into “Paul’s” inhuman eyes with the animalistic fury in hers. The blood drops were smearing down his jeans from the rain. He leaned in close to her face, frowned, and asked, “Are you going to kill Doc, too?”

Vania gave one long shriek as answer, before closing her eyes tightly and pounding both fists against her forehead. “GETOUTGETOUTGETOUTGETOUT—

“—Get out!” Vania yelled as she jolted awake.

Agent Doc froze with eyes wide at the RC door. “Sorry, Vania. I was trying to be quiet.” He stepped in further and set a pile of books and pamphlets neatly on the floor in front of his bookshelf. “I wanted to look up how to get rid of our bugs, but I used someone else’s RC so the portal wouldn’t wake you.”

Vania closed her eyes and listened to the minis begin to stir again after her outburst. “No, you’re fine. I just woke up from a bad dream.”

“Oh. Well, I’m sorry about that. Do you . . . want to talk about it?”

“Well,” Vania started, then furrowed her eyebrows. She looked up at the ceiling for a few seconds, then shook her head hard. “Apparently not. I can’t remember it at all.” She settled back into the bleen bean bag chair and looked at the TV screen. She nudged the directional pad down twice, then selected, “Load Game.”

This one's canon.

---

  Nathan frowned when he heard the knocking. Ellipsia was on an epic quest for a new keyboard, which would, considering the determination she had, take a rather long time, and the console had been silent, too. Ignoring the nagging feeling in his guts, Nathan pushed himself up from his bed and walked over to the door. "Coming!" He reached for the door handle and, very slowly, pushed it down.
  "That took you, guy."
  Nathan froze dead in his tracks, leaving the person outside the door to open it and enter. "Arthur," he muttered, hardly audible.
  "Yes, me. C'mon, please tell me you missed me."
  Nathan turned towards the man, who smiled at him in a way that was somehow off. Except for the sloppily shaven goatee and the just as sloppily cut hair, Arthur was just like he remembered him. "What... where... how..."
  Arthur shrugged. "Here, there... anywhere and nowhere?"
  "But you were... I thought you were... You..."
  "Crazy? Off the deep end? Insane?" Arthur closed the door and leant against it. "Insanity is relative."
  "You look better than, you know, back then." Nathan smiled slightly. "Any urges to go on a rampage?"
  Arthur merely shook his head.
  "But where have you been? Wait, I asked that already. What were you doing?"
  "This, that..."
  Nathan stepped closer. "You're avoiding my questions. You are-"
  "Were."
  "Were my partner. You can tell me."
  Arthur pushed himself away from the door. "I did spend some time as a raving lunatic. But I was a raving lunatic with an RA."
  "Somehow, that doesn't sound like it's a good thing."
  "But it was. You know, it showed me that the world can be fixed. That's what the PPC does. It fixes things."
  Again, that didn't sound like it was a good thing, but somehow, Nathan felt that he shouldn't voice his concerns just now. "That means you're coming back?"
  "Not really. I'm doing my own thing now. Temporary insanity has been some kind of revelation for me." Arthur eyed the bottle of bleeprin on the shelf next to the door. "How do you even get jars that big?"
  Nathan shrugged. "It's not really mine."
  "Ah yeah. The path to madness. You know... it's actually the Flowers' fault."
  "Huh?"
  "All the rules. Collecting charges, making things hard for yourself, risking your life with every single Sue you fight. And for what?" Arthur leant towards Nathan and stared right into his eyes. "You know for what? For some weeds who think they know everything."
  Nathan inched back. "Wait, wait, wait. You always said tha-"
  "And then reality collapsed on top of me. Which wouldn't have happened if we'd thrown her off Dalaran sooner. She was a Sue, and one could tell that."
  "What if we had killed her and she turned out to be a decent OC?"
  Arthur shrugged. "Happens. Remember that Spock line you used to quote?"
  "The needs of the many?" Nathan shook his head. "That's not how it works. We can't go around and kill anything that's not canon. That's not what we do."
  Arthur took another step forwards. "When you joined the PPC, did you expect to see your first partner and mentor go batshit crazy? Because that is what we do. We go crazy for the Flowers."
  Nathan shrunk back some more and took a few deep breaths.
  "Do you get it now?"
  "You know what I didn't expect either? Turning my hair permanently blue in a freak accident we swore to never speak of again. Having movie nights full of things I'll never get because they were just so plain weird. Or, you know, being dragged into Lord of the Rings and finding it okay."
  "Wait. Are you trying to friendship speech me?"
  Nathan stood back upright. "Bad things happen, and your descent into madness was the worst one. That doesn't mean good things can't happen. And you know what? The PPC beats studying math."
  Arthur turned around and shook his head. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to get you out of here, but it looks like they got to you already." The man reached into one of his bottomless pockets and took out an RA. "Are you going to hand me over now?"
  Without a word, Nathan pounced. Arthur activated the RA and slipped through the portal just in time, leaving Nathan to land on the floor, cracking a handful of polystyrene balls. He scrambled back up, only to see the portal close in front of his eyes. He hadn't expected that visit, just like he hadn't expected how it would end. To Nathan, it was clear that something wasn't quite right about his former partner. One didn't just become sane again.
  With a sigh, Nathan walked back over to his bed and flopped into it face first.
  
  When the door opened the second time, it was Ellipsia who entered, with a halfway decent keyboard under her arm. "Hey, Nathan. You wouln't believe what I had to do to get this thing!"
  Nathan mumbled something into his pillow.
  "Nathan?" Ellipsia stalked over to him and poked him in the shoulder. "Are you okay?"
  "I met Arthur."
  "What?! Like, here?"
  Nathan nodded into his pillow. "Sit down and I'll tell you."
  Ellipsia did as he said, staring into the ceiling as her parnter told her about the unlikely visitor.

---

As for the concrit...

Since San already said what bothered me about hS' thing, I'll look at Phobos':
Wow. This thing just kept piling up WHAM!s. I'm intrigued about this timeline, and what happened. Still, I feel teased a bit too hard. I'm not sure if I know enough about this timeline to care about Operation Sweeper.
What I really did like was the potted fern itself. There was this whole "end of innocence" feeling about its actions and reactions to things. Also, these words: Potted Fern Official.

Catastrophe Theory: Bound and Gagged

I hope you will enjoy it.

-Phobos

Steve Dimond frowned at the door. “Tango?” he called. “Is that you? You really don’t have to knock.”

“But I might if I’m not Tango,” a muffled voice pointed out, and Steve jerked upright, practically falling out of his chair. He knew that voice!

As the door swung open, bounced, half closed again, and hit Steve’s elbow before finally coming to a stop, Constance Illian-Sims watched with a huge grin, stroking the miniature golden dragon on her shoulder. Steve stared at her in bewilderment, unable to persuade his mouth to form any words.

“Well, hello to you, too.” Constance peered into the Response Centre. “Oh, I see you’ve redecorated. Tango’s influence?”

Steve looked around at the red-painted walls, the soft white carpet, the children’s paintings in their frames. “How could you tell?”

Constance snorted. “You haven’t changed a bit. Can I come in? Good.” She brushed past him and perched on the arm of the sofa. “Your son not around?”

“Sons,” Steve corrected, and smiled at Constance’s raised eyebrow. “Luden’s four now, and Jason’s two. And no, they’re in the Nursery. I think my sister’s taking care of them, actually.”

“Oh, yes, the blonde with the not-quite-dead thing going on.” Constance thought for a moment, then shrugged. “I guess I can’t really pick, considering… but I’m not here to gossip. This is serious.”

“I figured that,” Steve agreed. “Otherwise you’d have shown up sooner than three years after last time.”

“Well, I’ve been busy,” Constance pointed out. “Tanfin’s pretty self-sufficient by now, but Jasmine’s still incredibly needy, and as for Bella and Daphne – well, you know how babies are, I’m sure.” She touched her stomach, which Steve now noticed was slightly rounded. “I just hope this one’s better behaved than some of his sisters.”

Steve nodded seriously. “I can tell this is an incredibly important conversation,” he said. “It’s a good thing you’re not getting distracted by gossip.”

“Oh, hush, you. Don’t you know it’s mean to pick on pregnant women?”

“So I’ve been told. Then I think Ontic told Tango that was sexist, and Elanor - who’s also pregnant now – suggested that maybe it should be ‘never pick on someone who can probably cripple you for life’, and the conversation moved on to maiming.” Steve shrugged. “Life in the PPC, you know?”

“Well, I have a fire lizard, and I’m not afraid to use her, so you’d best be cautious either way.” Constance shook her head. “No, but really. Things out in the Multiverse have been getting… tense. Do you know anything about that?”

“Things are always tense,” Steve pointed out. “There’s an infinite host of Mary-Sues sweeping through the Word Worlds, remember?”

Constance scowled at him. “I meant tenser than normal. Agents have always left us alone before – you know who I mean, all the retirees living in the ‘Verse – but you’ve started stopping us, questioning us. It’s like you think we’re a threat of some sort.”

Steve frowned. “You personally? I mean, I know you’re a dangerous person, but…”

“Me, Dafydd, some of our friends – heck, Tanfin got interrogated a few days ago, and he’s only seven! It’s ridiculous.”

“Um. I think I might know what that’s about.” Steve ran a hand through his hair. “Do you remember Kayleigh Leonard? She’s in Bad Slash.”

“The really weird one?” Constance nodded. “I remember you sneaking off with her at Jay’s leaving do, at any rate.”

Steve blushed. “Yes, well. Um, she’s got some sort of theory about there being an organisation out in the Worlds trying to destroy canon – sort of an anti-PPC, I think. She’s been spreading rumours and making waves – you know how she is.”

“Well, I knew about the ‘spreading’ part,” Constance agreed, and Steve’s face grew even redder.

“Well, anyway, people have been getting a bit twitchy about strangers in the Worlds. That’s probably why they’re bothering you.”

“Hmm.” Constance drummed her fingers on the back of the sofa. “Any truth in the rumours?”

Steve shrugged. “I haven’t seen anything, and I haven’t heard of anyone who has. But Kayleigh usually has some foundation for her theories.”

“Hmmmm.” Constance’s gaze stayed defocussed in thought for a moment, and then she stood up abruptly. “Right. Thank you, Steve, you’ve been… well, moderately helpful. I’ll try not to leave it three years this time.” And off she strode out of the door.

Steve shook his head. She hadn’t changed a bit, apparently – same old Constance. She-

“One more thing!” Steve jumped as Constance’s head reappeared around the doorframe. “What did you say this anti-PPC was called?”

“Um, something about plates?” Steve offered. “No, peace… oh, that was it: Ispace.”

“Thank you! See you eventually!” And she was gone.

---

Yes, this is canon.

hS

I loved when the Doctor said "gotta catch'em all" after explaining to the Star Trek crew that they had to use pokeballs to catch Sues.
I wonder if we can use those to catch specimens for DMSE&R?

Also, it seems that lately he's getting involved in a lot of transdimensional mishaps...

*immediately runs off to check*

First off, I quite like Yorick's interactions with the Marquis. He has the right sort of flippant obedience down, which works well with his outfit.

I'm not so keen on the way you have the Marquis talking... actually, no, that's not quite true. There's only two points that stick out to me:

-He's very inconsistent in how he refers to Valon. Given who he is - the Head of Personnel - I think he'd be more likely to choose either 'Agent Valon' or 'Agent Vance' and stick with it. The former is slightly more common, I believe. He would certainly never use 'Mister Vance'. Titles are there for a reason. :P

-This line: Note, Agent Vance is red-green colorblind... And, what exactly is this skeleton for?
--The first clause feels like you trying to work that fact in, rather than something the Marquis would say. I'd go with something more like, 'Purplish'. Hmm. Well, I suppose we should expect such understatements if we go about hiring colour-blind staff....
--The second clause... has already been answered, with the earlier 'So you made your own?'. He knows Yorick is supposed to be Valon's partner. Actually, given Yorick's response, I'd put something more like, And you... undead bony thing. What do you have to say for yourself?.

That said, I did enjoy most of his lines (You would not be able to explain your existence. Agent Vance would.). Although, two other notes:

-The last Marquis line in the first section isn't really a question.
-Hahaha, six hours downtime? Valon'll be lucky if he's allowed five minutes to explain to Yorick what a 'PiPiCee' is, and another five to show him which end of a sword (or gun, or staff) to hold. The Flowers don't give people time off because it'll make things easier for them - they make them go and do the work anyway, because, as the Queen Anne's Lace once said, If we don't keep them working, they might find the time to ask when they get paid... and no one wants that. Except them. And they don't count.

On to the actual narrative... which again, doesn't bother me most of the time. There's only a couple of lines that feel a bit, well, off:

-'He was colorblind, and the skeleton was urple, the worst color'. Um, that's a very strange description of urple. I'd either cut the last three words altogether, or string it out a bit. If I were writing this sentence, I'd go with something like: '[to one glaring problem://]The skeleton was urple, that particular mix of purple and pink which makes canons quail, fangirls scream, and agents cover their eyes in horror... unless, like Vanon, they happened to be colour-blind.'

-'made this already strange pose even odder. Well, as odd as being a pinkish-purple skeleton made it, anyway.' I assume the 'strange pose' is the salute, which doesn't seem all that strange. I think you want something like 'strange sight/vision', since it is an odd mental picture. And the final sentence ('Well, as odd... anyway'), um... I don't know what you were trying to say, so it didn't work.

-Given that Valon had to check the book for 'Create Undead', I'm not sure why he suddenly knows that a 'Wand of Prestidigitation' (whatever that is) can change Yorick's colour. Urple is notoriously hard to get rid of anyway, and if you're using it, I'd recommend reading OFUM, since that's where it comes from. There's a line in Chapter 15 that 'the only stuff that got urple off was Wormtongue's Wonder Wash – although most were convinced it was because he had helped created urple in the first place', and I'm sure there's more. Also, it's fun to read. (And yes, the original description is 'the worst possible colour', I know - that doesn't make it the best description). Eitherhow, that line should probably be something more like 'Valon saluted as well, though much more lazily than Yorick. “I'll look into it, sir.”' To which the Marquis would no doubt make a snarky comment.

But in general, I quite liked it. You've given your agents personalities - somewhat different ones - and that's always a good sign.

hS

Valon's Wikia page says that he is from World One. If so, how did he cast a magic spell from an RPG-verse? Normally, you need to have levels in a character class to cast spells, and getting a first level in a character class isn't something that just happens. Was the scroll that he used a non-restrictive scroll of some kind that anyone could cast? And in that case, wouldn't it have been under heavier guard to keep some random schmo from walking in and using it, which is exactly what ended up happening?

Maybe Valon has a wizard, ranger, cleric, or a member of another magic-using class as a contact in or from the Pathfinder continuum, and that contact cast the spell for him, but that only raises more questions as to how the two met and why that character decided to cast the spell to bring a random impossibly-colored skeleton to life.

Basically, that could use some clarification.

You need to check with Laburnum or Snowspine before putting the characters of Skyfire or Stromsong in a PPC story (the former was their PPC writer, and the latter was their creator). I'm not sure of the details; there was an agreement to that effect several years ago.
I'm sure if you could find some way to contact either of them, they wouldn't mind having their character show up just to be repulsed by urple, since everyone is repulsed by urple, but you should make it official.

Both of my Agents are pretty freaking powerful. One is a Beta-level Ex-Inquisitor Psyker, and the other is Heroic Spirit Jeanne d'Arc. Honestly, either of them could solo a Mission easily. But they don't, because it's not worth the risk, pain, and effort.

You can have insanely high-powered Agents - the easy solution is to make it not worth it for them to use their powers. My best example being Hell Sings, which is the only time Mike (Jeanne) ever cut loose. She won the fight, hands down, but nearly died as a result. You don't have to go that route, but it's one way of doing it.

Is that those powers don't make the job too easy. If a character can vanquish a Sue with a snap of their fingers, the mission is no fun. Make sure the character has flaws and problems to balance out their abilities and strengths.

Well, I would assume that an Exalted would only have their power in their universe. Otherwise they'd be kind of...normal when the universe did they were in did not recognize them as a godling.

It seems that you have not answered what your favorite fandoms were. That is a pretty important thing to answer, as people tend to factor that in when giving "gifts."

That said, however, welcome to the Board! Have a snowglobe with your favorite fictional city in it!

Hi, have some fudge!

Do you have any favorite fandoms?

Here, have a lined infinite notebook as your newbie gift! Just keep your eyes off the urple covers and wilver bindings. May cause blindness or other eye impairments.

Oh, and doctorlit forgot to mention the wiki, so check that out too.

-Aila

Greetings, new friend! Help yourself to the bag of venomous arthropods. Don't worry; they don't bite!

And here are some important things to read, if you haven't already:

Our Constitution!: https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=18hztHpDehxcfrjaXoFUew1vb0BdZPDAusHxMHzHiCzM

Our FAQ about this Board!: http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/FAQ:_The_Board

And our more general FAQ for new folks!: http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/FAQ:_For_Newbies

This has to be a troll. I have never seen anything so utterly ridiculous since reading the "Sisterhood" mission.

Sorry, um.....bit of crackfic I found. Well written, good grammar......and completely and absolutely hilarious!

http://www.tthfanfic.org/Story-24873/Manchester+It+s+All+In+The+Numbers

Fandom: Non-cross BtVS

[/faux heroic voice]

So, after pointing out to the author the many egregious errors in her writing, I advised her to do the chapter again.

It was then that I discovered:

1. She's a very reasonable person, and
2. This fic was probably supposed to be AU + OC.

I told her maybe she should go that route. We'll see how she replies, hmm?

Please don't refer to such creatures as OCs - I believe they're not very O and lack a bit in the C department as well, given their nature.

So, is this how we notify the board of newly discovered badfic? Just post a thread? 'Cause I found a pair of farily horrible Star Wars smutfics at fanfiction.net (where else?) the other day, and, well, yeah.

(in case there actually was something about posting badfic in the constitution or wiki or something, I must have missed it. :/ Derp.)

I won't MST it right away, though. I've already got five or such going right now.

Unfortunately, I'm guilty of that too *brick'd*

We're keeping them locked in the dungeons is all.

Meanwhile, I shall continue on gathering new identities- at last count, I'm a Vulcan Time Lady OwenandTosh hybrid with some sort of fairy or elvish heritage. I may also be a rabbit, but I'm not sure...if so, my name is Lolly (my friend is responsible for that and for the fairy/elf stuff). And yes, there's a reason for Lolly. I may even tell if anyone's curious.

Dawn Tosh person aka iPhones, man, what can ya do? And you all know who I am anyway.

Nice to know that you're still around. But FYI, the word is spelled "cocoon,"--one "c" before the two "o"s. Fortunately for us, that was not a proper noun, or else we'd probably have a mini-Cie'th lurking about.

Hello and welcome to the nuthouse! As a fellow Potterhead I do share one fandom with you. :)

Here, have this monolithic granite rock formation that looks vaguely like Professor Sprout! I'm *reasonably* sure that there's no rule against 9,000 ft. decor...

-- Len

Hello, another new person posting on the board for the first time.

Hello! Two questions:
1) How did you run across the PPC?
2) Have you read the PPC Constitution and the Original Series?

As for your gift...I see that you're a Code Geass fan! OK then: Have a Zero figurine!

Good to have you a-board! Here, have a sparkly thing and a pseudo-English accent. Excellent for all occasions and it does lollipops! (I'm not quite sure why).

You have not done it wrong, nor are you causing any trouble. Here, have a bag of multi-colored, polyhedral random number generators.

Out of curiosity, what fandoms are you into?

-Phobos

Greetings, new friend! Have a wiki-walking stick!

You needn't be so formal! And you did it exactly properly.

For your newbie gift, I ceremoniously hand you your very own lined Infinite Notebook, complete with urple covers and wilver binding. Try not to blind yourself.

-Aila

Well, as an additional casual affiliate of this organization, bienvenidos a la PPC! Here, have this gourmet chef's cleaver to aid you in your valiant Sue-butchering.

-- Len

Hi! It seems that we are alike in that we did quite a bit of reading before joining the Board! Welcome aboard!

As for your newbie gift:
*rummages through bag of holding*
Here! Have a life-sized LEPrecon plushie! You might think that it's a real elf, but I'm reasonably certain that it is a toy.

Do I detect from your choice of greeting that you are also Australian?

Here, have a platter of chocolate-covered profiteroles and a pet mongoose (available from the PPC Mongoose Shelter in RC#2816. The mongoose eats anything and attacks Sues on sight. Name it what you will!

Elcalion, welcoming.

Hi, have some fudge!

You should be popular with the agents, I think most of them would agree with you about the hazard pay ;) .

I be the notebook giver DemonFiren so kindly mentioned below. So here! Have one of my infinite notebooks, lined of course, and complete with urple covers and wilver binding. Welcome, and don't hurt your eyes!

Have a dark black and wilver pen as well as a few cartridges of beep blue ink for it.

Great for writing in one of the notebooks you will likely be receiving sooner or later (glose-urple is a popular colour combination for those.)

H'elcome, h'elcome. Most nice to have you here. BIt of advice about HQ: Don't think about the bathroom, and you'll be fine. Cheerio! Oh, and have a sparkly thing. Nice, sparkly things do be. This one is called Fred!

I do need hazard pay, you have no idea. Welcome aboard and please enjoy this bag of tiny plastic PPC figurines. You will have to paint them yourself, since they are all generic grey at the moment.

Two questions:

1) What fandoms do you follow?

2) What is your favorite spin-off and/or mission and/or agent?

-Phobos

Greetings, new friend! Have a few rolls of caution tape!

Considering the large number of cat inspired names on the internet, perhaps you should switch you name to another type of feline carnivoran? Such as a mongoose, or hyena, or some other species derived from the civet-like creatures that gave rise to all the animals I mentioned.

... that's going to cause possibly confusion with KittyNoodles?

Good grief, it's lucky Greencat and GreyLadyBast aren't still around, or I'd have to say we were overrun with felines...

hS

I may be interested. I mean, I'm not going to have anything resembling consistent internet for at least another week, and the week and a half after that is going to be pretty hectic, as I'm flying home at the end of it, but I'm still interested. And will probably regret that, considering how much I'm already writing, but still.

I'll admit to only having skimmed the discussion below (hence why I'm not entirely sure if anyone else has replied as a taker), but she does sound fascinating. In fact, I may have a partner for her--Agent Ariel. He may be meant for ESAS, though, depending on how much his powers get diminished; I don't know if that's an issue or not. If it is, we could try Agent Dawn McKenna, but she's a) fairly insane, b) the PPC liaison for SBEI (the Avengers-verse OFU), and c) gets visits from her author, which could get awkward for Avery. On the other hand, it could stabilize Dawn a little, so...I don't know. Whatever you like.

Ariel is a former Supernatural-verse angel. He ended up in the PPC due to the collapse of a badfic, where he was accidentally invoked instead of Uriel, and then didn't get out in time--possibly because he's not mentioned in SPN canon, possibly because the Laws decided that the Little Mermaid would be more amusing to have onscreen. I'm not really sure--his backstory's still being written. He does end up in the DMS, though, and then possibly in ESAS, depending on what conclusions I draw from the last few episodes of SPN, among other things. He's probably going to Fall rather a lot, though.

Dawn is based loosely on me. She quotes everything that comes into her head, and acts immaturely on missions if she's around people she trusts to hold her back. She wears crazy nail polish that's often sparkly, has a pet tribble and two mini-Balrogs, and often gets misfiled missions or is temporarily partnered with people from a different department. She also takes missions in a larger number of fandoms than Ariel, unless he spends several days reading and watching stuff. (In terms of fandoms, from what you listed we share HP and LotR. On the other hand, you wrote 'etc', so it's quite possible we share several more).

Also, what gave Avery that ability? And when she regenerates, does she change her appearance, or does it stay the same?

So...yes. I'd like to offer Agent Ariel and Agent Dawn as potential partners for Agent Avery. Your move :)

~DF

Forgive me if I seem a bit thick in asking this, but what sort of responses are you looking for this topic? Are you looking for someone who will co-write with you, some ideas for creating a partner to write alongside Avery, or for someone to give a character to you to work with, or possibly some combination of those? Just to clarify.

Also, a few questions of my own.

What is Avery? Species, continuum of origin, etcetera. The name sounds human, but non-humans can be known to use human names in certain continua, so I'm not sure.

Her semi-immortality is likely a side effect of her bit character origins, but what exactly caused it? Being unable to die isn't exactly on the same level as growing a third arm or impromptu teleportation in terms of Word World errors. Was there a particularly dire typo, was she caught up in something, was there a Suvian experiment that went horribly wrong, some fourth thing?

What do you mean, "consuming" the Words? Does she snatch them out of the air and physically consume them? Is it a "join me, be part of my power" deal, and she fuses with them? Do they enter into her body through her skin? Does she drain the material of reality from a badfic? I'm just trying to see mentally what this would look like.

What does this do to the Word World she's in when she saps Words from it? Since a story is held up by its Words, wouldn't consuming them distort it in some way?

What does the regeneration process do to her? Is her old body converted into a new body, do the Words build her a new body/rebuild her old one, or do the details just depend on the circumstances of the damage she's trying to regenerate from?

You only need permission to write for the PPC. Anyone can report badfic.

-Phobos

Here's one I found on my trawls though fanfiction.net... and it's called "Samus gets raped". WHAT. Just... WHAT?!?!

I thought Other M was bad enough in how it treated Samus, but this?!?

link for the morbidly curious: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3926141/1/Samus-gets-raped

I have found a Hetalia: Axis Powers badfic. It is called "hetalia italy punishis britney"
It can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9475727/1/hetalia-italy-punishis-britney
I personally find it quite illogical.

Someone brought this to my attention. It's an M-rated Mass Effect AU 'fic that... well... I don't know ME at all, so I'm unsure whether this is bad or just weird.

I love the Abhorsenverse, and cats, so an interlude involving both of them made me far happier than it probably should.

Anyway, this was great. Can't wait for the next part.

I'm also looking forward to the next part.

-Aila

It's very nice to see this is still going. :) I look forward to the next part!

Since there isn't a Mini/Old Kingdom page on the wiki, there should probably be one now, but I'd like to know the names and current owners, if any, of the twenty-nine minis before making it, so I don't miss any.

How many have you adopted out, and to whom?

In the line where Kayleigh pulls out the mace, there needs to be a space between "where" and "she'd", by the way. The rest looks good, though.

Holly Black usually portrays the fae as bloody and amoral. The Poison Eaters is an anthology with a good amount of pretty nightmarish faeries, as is her trilogy Tithe, Valiant and Ironside. The Tithe trilogy (especially Ironside) is interesting because it shows the differences between the Seelie and Unseelie Courts without 'humanizing' either side. Valiant can be read as a stand alone and has little to do with the plot of Tithe or Ironside, but Tithe should be read before Ironside.

One is Magic: the Gathering. If you look up the creature type faerie, you'll end up with lots of cards that disrupt the flow of the game. In-universe, faeries are largely known for being mischievous.

The second example that comes to mind is the fairies in The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages. They turn the local forest into a maze so they can play hide and seek with you. Multiple times.

There needs to be a Fairy-type Pokémon like this. I don't even care which type of classic fae, just at least one of them. I remember at least one species that came out of hiding in winter to freeze people solid because it thought it was fun. That would make a good Pokémon. It would go well with the numerous Ghost-types and Psychic-types that steal or devour people's souls.

What in... Huh?

You were posting here a month or two ago, right? I couldn't tell you anything about yourself, but I do remember seeing your name and thinking 'what...oh, hey, cookie jar! Cool!'

So yeah. Nice to meet you/see you again :)

~DF

But it's lovely to meet you! :D

-- Len

Welcome back :)

Your name looks familiar at least, although I must confess that I can't recall anything else.

What were your fandoms of interest again?

Your name definitely looks familiar to me - you were here what, a year or so back? I could be thinking of Khajidu (...Khajidu? That's their name, right? The person with the Agents who were actually three tall ships, anthropomorphized?), but I'm pretty sure I remember you as well.

Welcome back!

Haven't the foggiest who you are, but anyone who can find a hole in cyberspace deserves a medal from top brass. Welcome back, cheerio, n' all that, old chap.

As much as I'm super interested in this, the chances of me getting my passport and the needed money together in time have pretty much dropped to 0%. I still plan to make the trip though, so if people are interested in another of these later in the year I could be able to get to/sound the call for that one.

That sounds like a fantastic idea!

Problem is, I'm too broke for trips to England...so unfortunately, I must miss out on this wonderful event...

The only problem with me attending is that my work has told me they're likely to send me out of the country on business (which will include a weekend) - but they can't confirm the dates yet, and I might only find out the week before.

At the moment, it's probably going to be the weekend of the 3rd that I'm away, but that could change. However, for now, it looks like the 10th and the 31st would both be doable for me.

Once a date gets picked, I'll do my best to attend. I don't actually have any other major plans for the month, so as long as I'm in country I should be able to come along.

Since you definitely can't do the 17th, and since I don't recall much interest in the 27th July, are people more favourably inclined towards August 10th, or August 31st? I seem to recall a general feel that later in the month would be better - the only problem we might have with that is that we'll probably be moving house around then, and might have to do something complicated to do with keys or something on that Saturday. So we might be more inclined towards August 10th.

hS

Not the harem one, the absolutely ...ing horrible one? Guess what- here's the Avatar: the Last Airbender version.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4859660/1/Avatar-The-Last-Airbender-The-Unrated-and-Untold

Note that it's a different ff.net account this time- I'm fairly certain it's a case of multiple accounts, seeing as I did a search and found both stories under the same author on... urgh... hentai-foundry. >_
Like last time, this fic is not safe for work, brains, or humanity in general. Try not to hurl.

I've never even read Naruto, and I can still tell that this is bad. I literally cannot even tell what is going on. That may be due to my lack of knowledge of the fandom, but then again, it may not.

I can't even see what it was supposed to be going for...

What sort of characters would we role-play here? Agents, Boarders, random bit characters, gentleman adventurers, Cybermen, jet-pack-toting pot roasts, ethereal energy beings, potato salad, secret agents, elevated dolphins, what?

In case we can be anything we want, I will probably go with a robot scorpion. There aren't enough robot scorpions in pirate adventures, which is a shame, because they would likely be able to swash as effectively as any buckle, provided that they have a full range of articulation to maximize their swash/non-swash ratio.

Before any being had walked through the door, a banner popped into being for a seemingly no reason, and loudly proclaimed, while managing to somehow speak in caps lock, regardless of how impossible that may be. It proclaimed, "PEICE, AND PIECE ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!" It then popped out of being. The best reason anyone would come up with for its popping into existence would be to cover up some foolish author's typo.