Jun 2013 Archive, part a

The pilot episode with Captain Pike almost reads like a deconstruction of the concept of a Sue. Pike meets the last survivor of a population who is an unbelievably beautiful woman, and he ends up trapped with her in a series of idyllic fantasy worlds. However, nearly every part of this scenario is an illusion engineered by creatures who wish to study him rather than by the woman herself, and in the end they're quite easily overcome when their weaknesses are discovered.

And the woman choosing a world of happy fantasy over the less-perfect real world at the end can't help but draw comparisons with Suethors.

At least nobody fell in love with them (with the possible exception of Charlie). Everyone else could tell that they were omni powerful or OOC

You win the Internet. Have a cookie.

I wonder what their reaction would be to a fic written along similar lines.

I've... never noticed that before. Despite the fact that I've either seen (or heard about) every single Star Trek Original Series episode, I've never noticed that.

Funny. But no, I've not seen any parody Sue's like that.

...Um.

What?

I don't understand...

'thundrail'. It sounds like a Pokemon.
Anyway... this hasn't enough text in it to make it mission-able, IMO. It's bad, there's no denying it, but it simply isn't long enough. It's like that gaggle of fics DTE tackled a while back.

... maybe it's a troll?

The 'weird pineapples' bit seems a little out of place, but then again these fics are rarely coherent.

This was awesome.

There are no words for what you wil read here.

Whatever you plan on doing to this fic, hopefully it'll make more sense than that link.

ERLOND?!

Hey, I'll let you have this, but I'm at least going to make a one-shot MST of this thing, it's too good to pass up.

It's got absolutely nothing to do with Lord of the Rings, so it's not really a Lord of the Rings fanfic. Right? Right?

...Right?

I know this is bad. And I haven't even read LoTR. The only reason I know anything about LoTR is Jay/Acacia and you people!

This.....is.....horrifying......yet, isn't it always?

We're good with it. Happens to everyone. Have a cookie.

Compared to the month or so that I've been out, two weeks is nothing much to scoff at.

But I will take your ice cream...

AND EAT IT.

Also, you did miss a few newbies. So.

I think everyone knows how that goes.

Everyone has his/her problems, so don't worry. We don't pretend everyone to post everyday or something, after all.

(In fact, we'd prefer to not see this kind of post. It was a nice gesture, but by doing this you pushed another thread out of the first page.)

I was planning to make it a full couple of scenes, but my muse is in a fickle mood, so here's what I have.

Bridge Scene, Act 1

Q: "What is your name?"
A: "I'm Kel-Agent Kelly Fallow. Nice to meet you!"
Q: "...What is your quest?"
"Um...I guess it's to meet new people and get to know more about them. Oh, and protect the canon. What about you?"
Q:"What?"
A:"Why stand around next to a a bridge on the middle of nowhere. I mean, you can't get that many visitors and it's pretty cold. Don't you get lonely?"
Q:"No! Well, somet-"

Bridge Scene, Act 2

"What is your name?"
"Agent Gall, Department of Floaters. PPC. Out of the way...please."
"What is your quest?"
"Kill the Sues, save the canon, and get a paycheck for once. Look, I don't have time for this."
"What is the average lifespan of the American speckled trout?"
"What? What kind of a question is thaaaaaaaaaa-"

Dafydd

Keeper: What is your name?
Dafydd: Dafydd Illian.
[Dafydd is flung into the chasm]

Constance

Keeper: What is your name?
Constance: Constance Illian.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Constance: To fish my husband out of that hole you've just chucked him into.
Keeper: What is your favourite colour?
Constance: Black.
Keeper: All right, off you go.
Constance: Who said I'm crossing? I can fish from here.

Dafydd, Take 2

Keeper: What is your name?
Dafydd: Maglor Feanorion.
[Dafydd is flung into the chasm]

Lou

Keeper: What is your name?
Lou: Louise. The rest is none of anyone's business.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Lou: Honestly? To answer your questions for the entertainment of the readers.
Keeper: ...
Lou: Well, you asked.
Keeper: What is the meaning of life?
Lou: Try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations. (Source)
Keeper: ...
Lou: When your author has access to Google, there's not a lot of questions you can't answer appropriately.
Keeper: ... did you just say a hyperlink?
Lou: You're out of questions. But yes.
[Lou crosses the bridge]

Dafydd, Take 3

Dafydd: Do I have to?
Constance: Yes.
Dafydd: Really?
Constance: Unless you never want to get home.
Dafydd: Well, you know, this is a nice place, we could live here...
Constance: Elf-boy. Go. Now.
[Dafydd approaches the Keeper]
Keeper: What is your name?
Dafydd: Canafinwë Makalaurë, son of Curufinwë Fëanáro.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Dafydd: To get home in time to feed my fire lizard and read my son a bedtime story.
Keeper: What will you do if I throw you into the chasm again?
Dafydd: ... set my wife on you. Do you really want that?
[They both look at Constance, who is nonchalantly sharpening a dagger]
Keeper: ... you may pass.
Dafydd: Thanks so much.

Constance, Take 2

Keeper: What is your name?
Constance: I already answered.
Keeper: Oh, right - got a bit carried away there.

Narto

Keeper: What is your name?
Narto: Narto Telyan.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Narto: To cross this bridge because Lou told me to.
Keeper: What is the relationship between you and Lou?
Narto: What sort of relationship do you mean? I mean, we're not relatives or anything, but we have a spatial relationship, a temporal one, we were partners, we- well, you're going to have to clarify.
Keeper: What? I don't even understand what you just said!
[The keeper is thrown into the chasm]
[Narto crosses the bridge halfway, and meets Lou. Narto leans over the side]
Narto: Married, by the way!
Lou: Sort of married.
Narto: So is Diane 'sort of' our daughter?
Lou: You don't have to be married to have kids, Gingernut.
Narto: Really? How fascinating! Do tell me more!
[Exit all]

hS

TOS

Bridge Keeper: What is your name?
Kirk: James Tiberius Kirk.
Bridge Keeper: What is your quest?
Kirk: A five year mission to explore the galaxy.
Bridge Keeper: Which uniform do you think you look the best in?
Kirk: The gold one. But…my Mirrorverse uniform is very sexy… (gets thrown off bridge)

Reboot

Bridge Keeper: What is your name?
Kirk: James Tiberius Kirk.
Bridge Keeper: What is your quest?
Kirk: A five year mission to explore the galaxy.
Bridge Keeper: Will you sleep with Mary Sue?
Kirk: Is she hot?
Bridge Keeper: Incorrect.
(Kirk falls off bridge and lands next to another man)
Shatner!Kirk: Hello, my younger self. Did they ask you the uniform question too?
Pine!Kirk: No, they asked me whether I'd sleep with someone called Mary Sue.
Shatner!Kirk: Did you say…yes?
Pine!Kirk: No, I asked if she was hot.
Shatner!Kirk: They're always hot. But…don't sleep with them. They're…parasites. They drain away your personality, until you are unfit to command, then take command of the ship and lead you to disaster. Do not fall in love with the the Mary Sue.
Pine!Kirk: Thanks. I guess.
Shatner!Kirk: Don't mention it. If you ever need tips for removing them…contact Spock Prime. We faced down many of them.
Pine!Kirk: I'll keep that in mind.
(They work together to climb out of the chasm, meeting their respective Spocks)


Both Reboot and TOS

Bridge Keeper: What is your name?
Spock: Spock.
Bridge Keeper: What is your quest?
Spock: Currently, to find my captain.
Bridge Keeper: May I have your autograph?
Spock: No. (He pulls out a slip of paper and a pen, on which he writes his name. He then hands it to the bridge keeper.)
Bridge Keeper: You were wrong.
(Spock jumps off the bridge to find Kirk)

Bridge Keeper: What is your name?
McCoy: Leonard McCoy. Kirk calls me Bones.
Bridge Keeper: What is your quest?
McCoy: At the moment, to get over this bridge so I can go back and get Kirk and Spock.
Bridge Keeper: How do you play a chord on a violin?
McCoy: Dammit, man, I'm a doctor, not a musician!
Bridge Keeper: That is correct. You may go.
McCoy: …All right then.

TNG

Bridge Keeper: What is your name?
Data: Data.
Bridge Keeper: What is your quest?
Data: To become more human.
Bridge Keeper: What does it feel like to be angry?
Data: I do not know. (holds up hands to prevent keeper from pushing him off) You asked that question because you thought that, as an android, I would be incapable of answering it correctly. However, I have asked humans that very question, and no one has been able to give a satisfactory answer. Therefore, the question is invalid. (pushes keeper off)

DS9

Bridge Keeper: What is your name?
Odo: People call me Odo.
Bridge Keeper: What is your quest?
Odo: To keep order on the space station known as Deep Space Nine.
Bridge Keeper: Can you shapeshift into something for me?
Odo: No.
Bridge Keeper: Haha! I said can you, not will you!
(Odo rolls his eyes as he's pushed off the bridge. Some time later, a smug looking bird is seen flying across the chasm.)

Bridge Keeper: What is your name?
Bashir: Julian Bashir.
Bridge Keeper: What is your quest?Bashir: Currently, to get across this bridge.
Bridge Keeper: Are you in an ersatz homosexual relationship with Garak?
Bashir: Ah, er…no, why do you AAAAAASK! (falls off bridge)

Bridge Keeper: What is your name?
Garak: Garak. Plain, simple Garak.
Bridge Keeper: What is your quest?
Garak: At the moment, to get across this bridge.
Bridge Keeper: Are you in an ersatz homosexual relationship with Bashir?
Garak: Yes.
Bridge Keeper: You may pass.


If I come up with more, I'll post them.

[Before you lies a misty chasm, and across it stretches a rickety bridge. The far side is shrouded by the fog, but by the near end waits a short, tattily-clothed man... the bridge keeper.]

The one trying to pass the bridge is an old man. He walks confidently towards his end of the bridge, unperturbed by the sight that is before him. He sense no ill-will from this so-called bridge keeper. Perhaps he will entertain the bridge keeper for a while, if only to know more of his purpose.

"Now, my good man, can I pass through this bridge? I am in dire hurry, for someone may have need of either my counsel or aid, or both."

"NAY!" shouts the bridge keeper, "I will only let you pass if you answer the questions three."

The old man simply nods in agreement.

1. What is your name?

"I am known by many names, my good friend. It is rare for anyone to ask of it, instead preferring to give me names instead. For now, let me be known as Storm Crow."

2. What is your quest?

"I have many quests, for my duty stretches beyond one land,or nation, or people. I may even have duties that far into the future, that I may have not remembered yet. An old man, you see."

"In fact, I may even found out that my dire need to hurry is useless, as the people that I am in hurry to help have either settled their problems, or even that the problem hadn't occured yet, and their fate makes the problem didn't happen."

The bridge keeper finds this information to be more of a puzzle than an answer. "Then why are you in such a hurry? You didn't know whther the people that you want to help may need it or not."

The old man simply chuckles, "Well, do you?"

"No, AAHHH!!!", and the bridge keeper magically launched from his standing point.

3. A random question (the more random/hilarious the better).

The bridge keeper soon climbs back to his side of the bridge. He brushes off the dust of his cloak. He smiles sheepishly at the old man, embarrased by his last flight. "A final question. What is the height of Minas Tirith?"

"The one in the First Age or the Thrid Age?"

"How do I know?". Again, another free improptu flight ticket for Mr. Bridge Keeper.

Gandalf simply shakes his head. "Radagast must think that my pipeweed is addling my mind if I told him about this."

Marvin

Keeper: What is your name?
Marvin: Marvin Jones.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Marvin: To protect Equestria from Glitter Dos.
Keeper: Who is Best Pony?
Marvin: Fluttershy. No, wait, Twilight! *Flung into chasm* AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
Keeper (looking down into pit): The correct answer was Rarity.
Marvin (still falling): Liiiiieeeessss!

Printworthy

Keeper: What is your name?
Printworthy: Printworthy.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Printworthy: To protect Equestria from the negative effects of bad writing.
Keeper: What...is the plot of the next Daring Do book?
Printworthy: I really should not tell you; spoilers and such.
Keeper: Oh come on, please? I loved the other books, and the last one left me with so many questions! Here, tell me the answer, and I'll fish out your partner from the chasm for you.
Printworthy: Well, missions have taken up so much of my time, so I don't have a full grasp on the plot, but I do have a general idea. Fine, come closer, I'll tell you what I have at the moment.
*Keeper comes in closer to Printworthy, who whispers into his ear.*
Keeper: Wow. That's brilliant! Thank you so much!
Printworthy: You're welcome. Now, my partner?
Keeper: Oh, yes, one moment.
(The Keeper pulls on a rope on the bridge, causing the chasm to spit Marvin back out.)
Marvin: AAAAAAHHHH!!
Keeper: There you go, one partner and a pass for two across the bridge.
Printworthy: Thank you. Come along, Marvin.
Marvin (to keeper): *groan* Go bugger yourself.
Keeper: I get that a lot.

Jumper

Keeper: What is your name?
Jumper: Well, I have gone by a lot of names over the source of my life, but I am most currently attached to Jumper.
Keeper: Fair enough. What is your quest?
Jumper: To explore the multiverse, and currently as a sort-of side quest, protect it from badfic.
Keeper: What is the source of all magnetism?
Jumper: What was that?
Keeper: What is the source of all magnetism?
Jumper: *thinks for a long while* I would say...The Creation of the Universe.
Keeper:...Well that's not what I am looking for, but I suppose... Go ahead.
Jumper: Thank you.
Keeper: Hmm. I suppose that was a little ambiguous... Oh bugger. *Flung into chasm*
((The real answer to this last question is moving electric charge.))

(Agent Peregrin approaches the bridge, absentmindedly performing an ancient chant)

Bridge Keeper: To cross this bridge, you must correctly answer three questions.

Peregrin: (takes out a pencil and a notebook) I will attempt your questions, though we may be here for some time if any of them relate to geometry. It has been many years since I have studied that field.

BK: What is your name?

Peregrin: I am Peregrin.

BK: What is your quest?

Peregrin: Hmmm ... To research and repair the various kinds of poor fanfiction that persist throughout the multiverse.

BK: Final question then. What are the digits of pi between the 762th digit after the decimal point and the 803rd?

Peregrin: (immediately) Inclusive or exclusive?

BK: I should have specified. Darn. *flies into chasm*

Peregrin: That was unexpected. *crosses the bridge* However, it was quite fortunate that I did not actually have to answer that question. It has been, oh, a century at least since I last was punished with Chapter Four.

Some time later, Agent Tomash approaches the bridge, looking for his partner.

Agent Tomash: You haven't seen my partner, Agent Peregrin, have you? I think he's forgotten what our RC number is again.

Bridge Keeper: To cross my bridge, you must answer three questions correctly. If you fail, you will be thrown into that Imposing Chasm.

Tomash: Sure. Once I do that, can you tell me where Peregrin went?

BK: (in his best Evil Interrogator voice) I'm asking the questions here!

(aside) I've always wanted to say that line.

(in his earlier tone) Well then, what is your name?

Tomash: Tomash, these days. Next question, then?

BK: What is your quest?

Tomash: To fix bad fanfic. Oh, and to find my partner when he wanders off.

BK: That was two quests, but you had the right answer in there, so I'm letting it slide. For your last question, then, what is two plus two?

Tomash: I'm going to channel Peregrin here to make sure I get this right, so what base? I'd think base 10, but your question is a bit ambiguous.

BK: No! Don't say that word! *flies off into the chasm, shouting "Base 10!"*

Tomash: Well, then the answer's four. (He crosses the bridge, where he finds Peregrin.)

Tomash: Peregrin! I've been looking for you. We have a mission!

Peregrin: (lost in thought) Oh. Right. We do. I left the RC in order to gather supplies for our mission, but I seem to have become lost. Do you remember our Response Center number?

Tomash: It's 112358. Let's head back. We have work to do.

The pair wanders off, with Peregrin giving a lecture on some old research of his to distract himself and his partner.

It was too fun the first time, now let's throw in some more OCs.

Krieg:

Keeper: WWWHAT is your name?
Krieg: Me? Well, Ich heiße Krieg Himmel.
Keeper: ...Wwwhat?
Krieg: Ach, warum niemand sprechen meine sprache? I am Krieg.
Keeper: Then WWWHAT is your quest?
Krieg: To offer the services of myself and my gesellschaft to the highest-paying employer. I am a mercenary, you see.
Keeper: WWWHAT are the names of the fallen angels of Christian faith?
Krieg: ...Rather a large number of fallen angels, don't you think? It was a rather brutal uprising, after all.
Keeper: ...Well, yes, but- AAAGH!
*Keeper is launched into chasm*
Krieg: Tsk. Das wäre nicht passiert, wenn die Regeln nicht zu meinen Gunsten manipuliert haben. ("This would not have happened if the rules were not rigged in my favor.")

~~~

Gabriel Iscandrioc:

Keeper: WWWHAT is your name?
Gabriel: ...Yeah.
*Gabriel flaps his wings and launches himself across the bridge with such force that it blasts the keeper into the chasm *
Gabriel: It's "Gabriel," by the way!

~~~

Sable Cross:

Keeper: WWWHAT is your name?
Sable: Sable Cross, sir.
Keeper: WWWHAT is your quest?
Sable: Well, I am a Hero, of Estrelain. My quest is to protect the land with my immortal life until I am no longer needed.
Keeper: WWWHAT are your policies regarding recession and employment in your kingdom?
Sable: You'd have to ask my wife, the Queen. I was only king for as long as it took to place my family securely in power, and then I stepped down.
Keeper: Wait, how does that even WOOOOORK!!!
*Keeper is thrown into chasm*
Sable: I don't know either; I was only king for a day!


is there for you to gain

Florestan

Keeper: What is your name?
Florestan: It's Florestan.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Florestan: To scream at bad fanfics.
Keeper: What... is the best way to relieve stress in the morning?
Florestan: Um... Does sex count? 'Cause that's kind of a broad question, don't you know?
Keeper: Hm... yeah, it is a bit of a-- *is flung off the bridge*
Florestan: *sighs* Finally! I swear, if I got launched into that chasm one more damn time...

Eusabius

Keeper: What is your name?
Eusabius: It is Eusabius.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Eusabius: To review bad fanfics.
Keeper: What was the name of the virtuoso pianist who was also a composer and wrote piano concerti?
Eusabius: Would you mind perhaps disambiguating a little?
Keeper: What do you mean?
Eusabius: Was this pianist alive during the Romantic era, or the Twentieth Century? The difference is quite distinct, I trust you understand.
Keeper: Hm... You know, that's a good questio-- *is flung into the chasm*
Eusabius: What a strange encounter... *walks off*

Anneli Rodriguez

Keeper: What is your name?
Anneli: Oh hey, a new guy! Uh, I'm Anneli Rodriguez.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Anneli: Like, it's totally to seek the Holy Grai... Wait, no, it's totally to-- *is flung into the chasm*
Keeper: Aw, darn. I didn't even get to ask her what her favorite color is!

Cinderella

Keeper: What is your name?
Cinderella: Cinderella, my good sir.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Cinderella: To defend the multiverse from bad fanfiction, of course.
Keeper: What... is the one hundred and forty-third element on the periodic table of elements?
Cinderella: What kind of question is that? Even I know the periodic table of elements doesn't go that far, and I never got a muggle's education!
Keeper: *scoots to the side* You may pass.
Cinderella: *blinks* Oh... Uh... Thank you... *passes*

Xanthus Garkaran

Keeper: What is your name?
Xanthus: It's Xanthus Garkaran.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Xanthus: To beat the crap out of Mary Sues and Gary Stus. Why?
Keeper: Does it matter why?
Xanthus: Not really. It did waste your third question though, so I'll just take my time to cross this bridge now if you don't mind. *walks across the bridge*
Keeper: ... Damn it!

Keeper: What...is your name?
Steve: Steve Rogers, Captain in the US military. I'm also known as Captain America.
Keeper: What...is your quest?
Steve: To cross this bridge and catch Loki, so we can get him to tell us where the Tesseract is and keep him from invading Earth with an army of aliens.
Keeper: What...do you have to say about those who believe you and Iron Man are attracted to each other?
Steve: Wh-what?! People think that?!

Keeper: What...is your name?
Tony: You know who I am.
Keeper: What...is your quest?
Tony: To catch Loki and get the Tesseract back so I can find Pepper and do all that stuff she promised.
Keeper: What...did Pepper promise you?
Tony: Well, she...wait. My suit can fly. Why am I just answering your questions? *rises off the ground* Later, man.
Keeper: But...but I've been dying to know!

Keeper: What...is your name?
Thor: Thor Odinson.
Keeper: What...is your quest?
Thor: To find my brother Loki and return him, and the Tesseract, to Asgard.
Keeper: What...is your favorite Midgardian food?
Thor: Hm...it is hard to decide... *flies into chasm*

Keeper: What...is your name?
Bruce: Dr. Bruce Banner.
Keeper: What...is your quest?
Bruce: To retrieve the Tesseract for SHIELD, I guess.
Keeper: What...is the total output in gamma radiation of the Tesseract since the moment it was stolen to now?
Bruce: Depends on what point you think it was stolen at.
Keeper: What?
Bruce: Was it stolen when Loki got away, or when he first had one of his mind-controlled goons pick it up?
Keeper: *flies into chasm*
Bruce: *glances over bridge, shrugs, crosses*

Keeper: What...is your name?
Natasha: Natasha Romanoff. Codenamed Black Widow.
Keeper: What...is your quest?
Natasha: To save Clint. And retrieve the Tesseract.
Keeper: What...happened in Budapest?
Natasha: Sorry. That's confidential.
Keeper: Come on. Please?
Natasha: No. *crosses bridge*

Keeper: What...is your name?
Clint: Clint Barton, also Hawkeye.
Keeper: What...is your quest?
Clint: To shoot Loki in the face.
Keeper: What...do you think you're doing?!
Clint: Pointing an arrow at your face. You have five seconds to step aside or I shoot you.
Keeper: *hurriedly moves out of Clint's way*
Clint: *lowers bow* Thank you. *crosses bridge*

Keeper: What...is your name?
Loki: Loki, rightful King of Asgard.
Keeper: What...is your quest?
Loki: To lead the Chitauri in the conquest of Earth.
Keeper: What...silver tongue turned to lead?
Loki: That's not even a question, you buffoon!
Keeper: *flies into chasm* IT WAS WORTH IIIIIIIIIIT...
Loki: *snarls and stalks across bridge*

Agents first.

Ellipsia
Bridge Keeper: What is your name?
Ellipsia: Ellipsia...
Bridge Keeper: What is your quest?
Ellipsia: I want to prevent Suvians from enslaving innocent canons.
Bridge Keeper: What's a Paladin?
Ellipsia: Uh... depends on what kind of Paladin you mean. You weren't really clear on that.
Bridge Keeper: *gets flung into the chasm*
Ellipsia: *walks over*

Nathan
Nathan: Would you have thrown her off if she had answered with "I'm not entirely sure?"
Bridge Keeper: *crawls back onto the bridge* I'm not entirely sure. *wrings his clothes* What's your name?
Nathan: Birth name? Before or after my mom married again? Forum handle? Is this how I get you to-
Bridge Keeper: *is flung off again*
Nathan: Ha! I like that. *walks over*
Ellipsia: That was mean.
Nathan: Eh.

Saline
Bridge Keeper: What's your name?
Saline: Saline. S-A-L-I-N-E. Not Sallin, not Salin, not Salline, or whatever name pops up in my family.
Bridge Keeper: What's your quest?
Saline: I'm trying not to get bored.
Bridge Keeper: ...are you evil?
Saline: ...uhm. That's a trick question. *is flung into the chasm* You're not being fair here!

Priyala
Bridge Keeper: What's y-
Priyala: Priyala. Or so I remember.
Bridge Keeper: *stares* Wha-
Priyala: I want to stop people from being Sued.
Bridge Keeper: HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?!
Priyala: I can read your mind.
Saline: *from the chasm* F### you, a##hole!
Priyala: *runs over*

And now, for two of my Storyverse characters.

Jack
Bridge Keeper: What's your name?
Jack: Jack. No last name.
Bridge Keeper: What's your quest?
Jack: Quest? Well, I teach computer science, maintain the school computer system and, occasionally, help saving the world.
Bridge Keeper: Wine or beer?
Jack: Nothing. I can't get drunk.

Dacoron
Bridge Keeper: What's your name?
Dacoron: Dacoron.
Bridge Keeper: What's your quest?
Dacoron: I don't have one any more.
Bridge Keeper: Everyone has a quest.
Dacoron: Does my original purpose count?
Bridge Keeper: I'll let that slide.
Dacoron: I was built to commit wartime atrocities.
Bridge Keeper: *stares*
Dacoron: *stares back*
Bridge Keeper: Should we skip the third question?
Dacoron: Yes. *walks on*

Gaspard

Keeper: What is you name?
Gaspard: Gaspard De Grasse.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Gaspard: Right now? Saving up enough money to go to university by working in a high-risk, low pay environment.
Keeper: Terran, zerg, or protoss?
Gaspard: Well, it's all got to do with player preference-- *Is thrown off bridge*
Keeper: *Leans over edge* Fool! Zerg is the only race worth playing!


Angus

Keeper: What is you name?
Angus: M' name is Angus MacFarlane.
Keeper: What is you quest?
Angus: Defending my assigned canon continua!
Keeper: How much do you weigh?
Angus: *Lunges forward, hauls the Keeper off his feet and dangles him over the edge* SAY AGAIN?
Keeper: Nononononononono-- put me down! Put me down! What I meant to say was: what is your daughter's name?
Angus: *Throws the Keeper back onto the bridge* Her name is Sophie. Have a good day. *Walks over to the other side, fuming*


Penny

Keeper: What is you name?
Penny: Penny Chang! What's your name?
Keeper: Doesn't matter! What is you quest?
Penny: Oh, you know, keeping watch the multiverse and stuff. Nothing exciting, really. Hey, what do you do for a living? I mean, you can't stay on this bridge all day long, asking three questions to people who want to cross, right? That's just silly! You've gotta have a house or friends or a life or something.
Keeper: Hey, I ask the questions around here!
Penny: Well, that's just rude. I'm trying to have a polite conversation here! Didn't your parents teach you any manners when you were a child?
Keeper: No. *Is thrown off the bridge*
Penny: What a strange person. *Walks to the other side*


Yakov

Keeper: What is your--
Yakov: *Opens a portal to the other side of the bridge* Sorry, but I don't have time for this, m'ster. Happy hour is in ten minutes at Rudi's!
Keeper: B-but wait!
*Yakov steps into the portal*
Keeper: *Silent for a few seconds* Is this legal?

1. What is your name? John Egbert.
2. What is your quest? Um I don't know yet
3. Are you a homosexual? ...

Keeper: What is your name?
Crowley: A. J. Crowley. Look, have you seen--
Keeper: WHAT is your quest?
Crowley: I'm looking for someone. Have you--
Keeper: HOW fast can an angel fall?
Crowley: ...you threw him off the bridge, didn't you, you--
Keeper: Wrong answer! *tosses Crowley off the bridge*
*Crowley can be heard blessing all the way down, and then--*
Crowley: *muffled* Aziraphale?
Aziraphale: *also muffled* Oh, hello, Crowley. Did you come looking for me?
Crowley: *still muffled* No, I just happened to fall down the same bloody chasm you did.
Aziraphale: *also still mufffled* I see. Thank you, my dear.
Crowley: *still--oh, you know* Don't mention it. Any thoughts on getting out?
Aziraphale: We could fly, I suppose. Only, we'd have to be rather careful not to bounce anyone against the sides--
Crowley: ...angel, have you been having a tea party down here?
Aziraphale: What? Certainly not.
Crowley: ...
Aziraphale: Well, alright, but only a little. They all looked so tired, poor things, so I said, why don't we all have a nice cup of tea? And so we've been talking. It's really rather sad, Crowley, the poor dears have literally been through hell--
Crowley: *groans* Angel, please tell me you haven't been crossing canons again.
Bobby Singer: No, that's definitely not Crowley we know. Since you asked, and all.
Aziraphale: You see? He's really not so bad, I did tell you...
Crowley: Aziraphale, you do realize what these people do, right?
Aziraphale: Of course I do.
Crowley: They hunt demons, angel.
Aziraphale: Yes, well...
Crowley: Sometimes they even hunt angels.
Aziraphale: *shocked* Oh, I'm sure that's not true! You really must stop listening to rumors, dear boy.
Crowley: I didn't have to listen to rumors, I watched their television series--
*this continues for a while. We'll leave them to it, with the brief note that no one gets killed. Or maimed. Or discorporated. And they all got out of the chasm at some point.*

--
Well that...grew. Hope it was enjoyable.

~DF

Boarder!Sergio Turbo

Bridge Keeper: What is your name?
Sergio: Sergio [censored for privacy]
Bridge Keeper: What is your quest?
Sergio Turbo: Currently, finish my school course and get a job. Oh, and obviously writing for the PPC.
Bridge Keeper: Who won the 2012 Formula 1 championship?
Sergio Turbo: ... You want to pick a fight don't you? [insert lenghty rant here about how the Red Bull F1 car was blatantly out of the rules]... and so tell me: you want to know the official champion, or the one who actually would've won it if FIA did its job impartially, AKA the one who morally won it?
Bridge Keeper:...
Sergio Turbo: Your question was ambiguous.
Bridge Keeper: Not again...

Bridge keeper is thrown into the chasm.

I'll do my Agents tomorrow. And yes, I'm a tifoso.
One who backs his affermations with actual proofs, though. (See the blog post I made on the Wiki after the 2012 championship ended. It is pretty much the rant I left out here.)

Let's try, then, precious.

Keeper: What is your name?
Jacques: Agent Jacques Bonnefoy, currently. *looks the Keeper up and down* And you are?
Keeper: ...what is your quest?
Jacques: That's a bit of an odd name, isn't it? Do you get a lot of comments, ...what is your quest??
Keeper: ... *throws Jacques into the chasm*

Reader: Oh, hello. Do you mind if I--?
Keeper: First you must answer three questions!
Reader: ...really? Well, alright. Go ahead.
Keeper: What is your name?
Reader: I go by the Reader right now.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Reader: ...currently, to get to the other side of this bridge.
Keeper: ...Would you ever--
Jacques: Now that was just unfriendly.
Reader: What was?
Jacques: He pushed me into the chasm!
Reader: What?
Keeper: Oh, it's not harmful. I get tossed in there all the--
*the Keeper is tossed into the chasm by Jacques and the Reader* *Jacques and the Reader cross the bridge*
Jacques: So, why did you want to get to the other side of this bridge, anyway?
Reader: ...I have reason to believe that my TARDIS is over there.
Jacques: You 'have reason to believe'?
Reader: Don't ask.
Jacques: ...did you lose your TARDIS?
Reader: *glares* I will throw you into that chasm, Bonnefoy, so help me.
Jacques: Touchy...

Keeper: What is your name?
Dawn: Dawn McKenna.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Dawn: I...don't have one at the moment.
Keeper: ...acceptable. For now.
Dawn: For now?
Keeper: For now!
Dawn: ...oh...
Keeper: What do you do when a man comes at you with a raspberry?
Dawn: Oh, I know this one! Release the tiger.
Keeper: Correct. Go away.
Dawn: Remember to eat your bananas! They're a good source of potassium. *skips across the bridge in an attempted Luna Lovegood imitation*

Keeper: What is your name?
Kozar: I am Kozar.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Kozar: To slay Mary-Sues in battle.
Keeper: Are Daleks supreme at Cluedo?
Kozar: Not anymore.
Keeper: True. You may pass.
*Kozar crosses the bridge*

"What is your name?"
[I don't have one.]
"...what is your quest?"
[To analyze the canonical probability of the speed of an unladen swallow exceeding that of a swallow carrying two coconuts and a Mary Sue.]
"..."
[...]
"Are you sentient?"
[Would you believe me if I said yes?]
"Can you talk?"
[I can flash words on a screen.]
"That doesn't count as talking."
[But you're responding.]
"..."
[Do I get to throw you off the bridge now, or is this only a model?]
*The Keeper runs away*
Edgar's CAD: [The Knights who say Ni triumph again! Ni! Ni! Ni! Bring me a SHRUBBERY!]

--
Hey, anybody can cross, right? :D

~DF

~Scott~

Rookie agent Scott was infinitely frustrated by the bridge keeper, who forced him to answer his little riddle before he could cross the bridge after the fleeing Sue. As his impatience grew, his usually more keen senses began to slip.

"WWWHAT! Is your name?" The bridge keeper demanded.

"Rookie agent Scott, PPC, Department of Bad Crossovers, Assassin's Creed specialist," Scott recited in agitation.

"WWWHAT! Is your quest?" The bridge keeper asked next.

"I'm after that damn Sue you let by, like an idiot!" Scott snarled.

"WWWHAT! Is the color formed by the combination of blue and orange?" The bridge keeper asked one last time.

"I- what? What kind of question is- OHNOOOOOO!!!"

Scott was launched by the force of his incorrect answer into the fiery chasm, abs exploded in a ball of fire against the walls.

~~~

~Kira~

After having seen his partner get tossed like a table, Kira was on high alert for his questions.

"WWWHAT! Is your name?" The bridge keeper demanded.

"Rookie agent Kira, PPC, Department of Bad Crossovers, Assassin's Creed specialist," Kira answered quickly.

"WWWHAT! Is your quest?" The bridge keeper squawked.

"I'm pursuing a Mary Sure guilty of messing with the canon of Assassin's Creed and Monty Python," Kira replied.

"WWWHAT! Is the temperature where Absolute Zero occurs?" The bridge keeper asked one last time.

"W-what? I'm a PYROMANCER, I don't do low tempera-AAAAAUGH!!!" Kira screamed as he, too, was launched into the chasm. Fittingly, he froze on impact rather than exploding into flames.

~~~

~Monster Hunter Ethan Darrow ~

Ethan was in no real hurry to cross the bridge. After all, his contract was in a whole other country, and he still had several days of travel to cover before he got there.

"WWWHAT! Is your name?" The bridge keeper asked.

"Ethan Darrow. I hunt big scary monsters," Ethan said with a cheeky grin.

"WWWHAT! Is your quest?" The bridge keeper asked once more.

"See previous answer," Ethan replied. The bridge keeper seemed to accept this.

"WWWHAT! Is the approximate weight of a greatsword?" The bridger keeper asked once more.

"Eastern or Western?" Ethan countered.

"What?"

"Do you mean Eastern, like in Asia, or Western, like in France?" Ethan asked.

"...Well, you see, uh, I was just- GAAAAAH!!!"

The bridge keeper was launched by the force of his own folly into the chasm he guarded, and exploded in a ball of flames. Meanwhile, Ethan whistled happily as he casually crossed the bridge.

Eledhwen
Keeper: What is your name?
Eledhwen: Do you mean the name given at my birth, the name chosen with the foresight of my mother, the name I was given after a certain event that had to do with stars, or the name I hid under while fleeing from a Mary Sue Factory?
Keeper: ...
Eledhwen: It is so dreadfully ambiguous.
Keeper: Oh, bugger. (thrown into chasm)
Eledhwen: (crosses) At least he did not ask this question of Aragorn or Túrin Turambar.

Christianne
Keeper: What is your name?
Christianne: Christianne Marian Shieh.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Christianne: To protect the Multiverse from Suvians.
Keeper: What do you get when you cross a seagull with an octopus?
Christianne: ...A feathery mop that says 'mine' constantly?
Keeper: The correct answer is 'Squawktopus'...
Christianne: {takes out a gun)
Keeper: (hastily) But you did describe the thing, so I suppose you pass.
Christianne: Good! (skips off to join Eledhwen)

The Disentangler
Keeper: What is your name?
Dis: My name is lost in the mists of time, in the heart of the Medusa Cascade - wait, no, that's the Doctor. I'm the Disentangler, or Lachesis, or this convoluted Gallifreyan name that would take me a good five minutes to say.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Dis: To explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilsations, to boldly go where no Time Lord has gone before - crap! No, that's the Enterprise -
(The Disentangler is thrown into the chasm)

The Agent
Keeper: What is your name?
Agent: The Agent.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Agent: To make sure my partner does not get herself killed... again...
Keeper: How do you make a soufflé?
Agent: A soufflé isn't a soufflé; a soufflé is the recipe.
Keeper: ...fair enough.
Agent: (passes)

The Fisherman

Bridge Keeper: What is your name?
Fish: That doesn't have as straight an answer for me as it would for most people. Regardless, I'm called the Fisherman.
Bridge Keeper: What is your quest?
Fish: Defending the multiverse. From... well just about everything it seems. Oh, and trying not to get killed along the way.
Bridge Keeper: If I wanted to fit three 64-dimensional entities inside a 4D Sienna-Volsky trap, how much energy would I require?
(The Fisherman's eyes go wide for a moment. He starts babbling, frantically trying to calculate in his head. He picks up a stick.)
Fish: Mind if I do some working out? Go on, ask her the questions, come back to me.

(The Keeper nods, and the Fisherman begins scratching formulae into the dirt.)

Evie
Bridge Keeper: What is your name?
Evie: As the person who rescued me had absolutely no imagination or sense of shame, it is Evie. Encapsulated Virtual Intelligence Entity.
Bridge Keeper: What is your quest?
Evie: What he said. With the added burden of stopping him from practicing his hobby of 'doing the most insane thing possible'. Which is harder than it looks, believe me!
Bridge Keeper: Twilight or Mortal Instruments?
Evie: Oh for the love of... fine. Mortal Instruments. Only because I've been to the Twilight continuum and seen how bad it is. Maybe MI isn't so bad.

(Evie is allowed to cross. The Fisherman suddenly stops his calculation and stands up.)

The Fisherman, cont.

Bridge Keeper: Do you have an answer?
Fish: Do you?
Bridge Keeper: I do not understand.
Fish: You said "If you wanted to fit three 64-dimensional entities...". Well? Do you?
Bridge Keeper: That is not the question.
Fish: Logically, there were two questions in your response. That is ambiguous without clarification. So, unless you feel like taking a swim, shall we just forget this whole thing?
(The Bridge Keeper looks at the chasm behind him, and then nods. The Fisherman smiles and runs to catch up with Evie.)

Evie: What's a Sienna-Volsky trap?
Fish: No idea. Don't even think it exists. Why are we here? What is here anyway?

...To bad I don't have any okayed agents yet. Drat.

Cyba

Bridge Keeper: What is your name?
Cyba: Cyba Zero.
Bridge Keeper: What is your quest?
Cyba: To rid the multiverse of bad spelling, bad punctuation and bad grammar!
Bridge Keeper: What is your favourite colour?
Cyba: Red!
(Cyba crosses the bridge without incident.)

Sigma

Bridge Keeper: What is your name?
Sigma: Sigma One.
Bridge Keeper: What is your quest?
Sigma: Perfection... (She clamps her hands to her throat.) Er, I mean to make my ship look nice!
Bridge Keeper: First answer only!
Sigma: AAAaarg...huh? (She is surprised not to go flying into the chasm.)
Bridge Keeper: What were the names of the first two PPC agents?
Sigma: Jay and Acacia. (She starts towards the bridge.)
Eagrus: Wait... you mean perfection was the right answer?
Bridge Keeper: Yes.
Eagrus: SIGMA!!!!
Sigma: (She legs it across the bridge as fast as she can.)

Eagrus

Bridge Keeper: What is your name?
Eagrus: Eagrus Khan.
Bridge Keeper: What is your quest?
Eagrus: To learn magic and rid the world of bad spelling... but only after I remind Sigma to ignore her tendencies!
Bridge Keeper: What colour is your hair?
Eagrus: (Glares.) Wilver. (He runs after Sigma.)
(Two sets of snickering can be heard from somewhere in the mist, but they stop abruptly as Eagrus arrives and starts lecturing.)

Phi

Bridge Keeper: What is your name?
Phi: Phi Six.
Bridge Keeper: What is your quest?
Phi: To discover a cure for Stu-ness.
Bridge Keeper: Which is better, magic or tech?
Phi: Tech, OBVIOUSLY!
Eagrus: (from somewhere in the mist) NO IT ISN'T! MAGIC IS ALWAYS BETTER!
Phi: (dashes across the bridge) TECH!

(The magic versus tech debate continues to be audible for quite some time.)

It's 20,000 words but only one chapter. Suspicious already, and then you discover that he put ther whole story - which is multiple chapters - into a single chapter.

And he still had the gall to MARK each chapter.

Half of it is bad grammar and bad plot, a fourth of it is a villain Stu with a really dumb name, and the other fourth is run-on sentences.

I've been running an MST of it for a while now, since there's plenty to say of it.

The story summary... How can a story be both canon AND non-canon?

It's painful to read. The run-on sentences do not seem to be intentional, because even the Author's Notes seem to have them.

Imagine a person trying to narrate that. Even with the pauses in between due to the commas, they will still run out of breath quickly.

I'd like to see Idris Elba take the part, although a friend of mine made a convincing case for Tilda Swinton.

I'm not sure who will be the next doctor, but I would like to see Jethro Cane returning as a companion for the 12th.

I vote that hS should be the next Doctor.





(/bricked)

It would have been nice to see Smith under a different writer.

Yes, I've been gone from the board for a week and they go ahead and put up a whole page of stuff for me to catch up on...

So, yes- hello, welcome Danielle, have a fluffy velociraptor, enjoy your time at the PPC!

Have an exotic pet kakapo trained in assorted martial arts and yodeling Mozart!

Hi! Here, have an Infinite Notebook, lined, complete with urple covers and wilver binding!

-Aila

Hello, fellow Trekkie! Here, have a snowglobe, complete with a replica of the Trekverse starship of your choice.

What fandoms are you in? Do you prefer movies, books, TV shows, comics, manga/anime? Have a cookie.

I share almost all your fandoms, except for Star Wars. Which Star Trek series do you prefer?

And as for a newbie gift... have a toaster! It's polka-dotted in Suvian colors of your choice, and shoots pastries at high velocity!

Have a welcoming wibbly wobbly detector. It goes ding when there's stuff!

*tackle hug* Welcome! It's nice to meet you.

I'm also a shiny newbie here, having joined only two days ago. Let's stick together, ne? :)

Welcome to the Board! Have some of my world-famous hydrophobic water to commemorate the event. Monoatomic!

[/fancy British]

Have some BleepNerds for your welcome gift!

Greetings, new friend! Help yourself to the sack of venomous invertebrates. Don't worry; they don't bite!

Hi, Pauline here. I promise I'm usually on here a lot more than I am this week :)

Have some bleepolate ice cream as a welcome-to-the-board gift.

Have some lemming repellent, and welcome!

Welcome to the lovely Board! You'll find many here with the same fandoms, which is most wonderful. Now, for an appropriate gift... a large bottle of Bleeprin, because you're soon to witness horrors beyond imagination! (Beware the Circle of Lemmings!)

Well, it falls to me once again to show the ceremonial wiki link to another newbie. That leads to the Constitution in particular, which you should read, and the pages leading to all the spin-offs, as well as the Original Series, which you should at least take a look at if you haven't already.

Don't pay any attention if people make jokes about trying to eat you; it was a craze from the last few newbies that may or may not be dying down by now.

What are your fandoms, by the way? Most newbies say them in their introductory thread, to let people know what you like and let the Board regulars know what gifts you might appreciate.

Now, let's see, what do I have to give you? Let me look around for a minute... here you go! Take this jar of blue! No, not blue objects in a jar, just the color blue. You can use it to re-color things, to confuse and surprise others, and if you open the jar, the bright flash of light as the blue escapes could be useful for escaping enemy ambushes!

(I'd been planning on using the name Danielle for an Agent I was developing, but if I use it now, I might look like I'm copying your name. Hmm. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.)

Welcome, welcome!
Have a Muffin. Feel free to interpret the capital "M" as indication of mystical properties of your choice.

A mutual affection for LOtR would be common ground between us, anyway. And who doesn't like Harry Potter?

Okay... That's all I've got. (I'm not one for first impressions.)

Again, welcome to the PPC, realm of *entirely sane* agents and much laughter and bafflement.

-- Len, (totally official) Bodacious Baronetess of the Kumquats

Have some of this cake I baked for all the shiny newbies.
*hands plate*
Eat up now!

Here, have an Infinite Notebook, lined, complete with urple covers and wilver binding!

Ooh, you read comics? One of my friends is in the process of getting me into them. I'm absolutely in love with The Sandman, and I'm reading Runaways right now. Just read the second volume today, in fact.

-Aila

Welcome to the Board! Have some of my world-famous hydrophobic water to commemorate the event. Replenishes 50 HP... sometimes.

Hello there! You must be the first newbie I've run across to obviate the usual newbie questions! But I have one more for you: How did you run across the PPC?

But enough questions, on to the newbie gift! Have a replica Captain America shield. Of course, it's only steel, not vibranium like the real thing.

Have a cookie! What do you think of the Avengers movie? The characters?

Hi, have some fudge!

I'm assuming you mean Marvel Avengers, and not the British spy series? (I've been caught out a couple times when link-surfing over at TV Tropes.)

Have some lembas bread as a welcoming gift. Wrapped in a genuine mallorn leaf.

*hug* Welcome, welcome. Here's a bag of marbles, I don't know what you'd use it for, but it has really nice colors. :)

I'm also a shiny newbie, only here for two days. Let's stick together?

Welcome to the Board! Have some of my world-famous hydrophobic water to commemorate the event. Keep refrigerated!

Because I don't know, and would rather not chance an incorrect guess.

[/base covering]

Have some industrial strength BleepNerds, I have overstock on these things and need to get rid of them before the warehouse fills to breaking point.

(Why did my production team make so many in the first place? We don't even need that much! What, are we stocking for a Sue-pocalypse?!)

Greetings, new friend! Have a consulting detective's magnifying lens.

Welcome aboard! I see you've got my fandoms, huzzah! Have some lemming repellent.

Glad to have you aBoard, Josalynn! I can match you pretty well with DW, LotR, and Avengers, and as such, have gifts for you. I present Rinlojm, a hammer which can be lifted by anyone, A sonic Screwdriver that only works on wood, and a Ring of Power that instantly makes you the center of attention. Have fun!

And after a few weeks with practically no newbies at all!

(prepares to deal with newbie flood-tide)
I may need to get some galoshes. I don't know if they'd be useful for a flood of newbies, but it'd be fun to mention that I have galoshes now, because the word "galoshes" is fun to say.

Well, you seem to have run down all of the typical checkpoints, so all I have left to do is give you a gift!
Have a replica of Loki's staff! It's not got a real Tesseract in it, since it's a replica, but it can shoot lasers, which is always a plus.

Hithere,welcome,BallPythonnicetomeetyou!

Sorry for speaking so fast, but I'm late and have to catch up with all the postings.

Have a fluffy velociraptor!

Have some lemming repellent! Even fierce serpents are no match for lemmings from the fearsome Circle.

So, Indonesia, eh? Cool. Very cool. *nods sagely*

Well, I know this is a tad late, but welcome to the PPC! Savor this Generic Food casserole as a gift from me to you.

-- Len

Hi there! Have a Corn Snake and an Extremely Suspicious Looking Cupcake.

So many newbies! It makes me feel so much older as a Boarder. I've only been here since January! Have some special newbie cake. I had to make a big batch for everyone.

Here, have an Infinite Notebook, lined, complete with urple covers and wilver binding!

You're from Indonesia? That's cool! And we are crazy indeed, but crazy is fun!

-Aila

...it was in another thread. Anyways, welcome to the Board! Have some of my world-famous hydrophobic water to commemorate the event. A little colder than your average neutron star!

Hi, and welcome to the PPC! How did you run across us?

So, quite a few fandoms there, I see. Are you familiar with Pokemon, by any chance?

As for your newbie gift, have a snowglobe with a replica of your favorite Disney castle!

Please don't kill it. Fluttershy will be upset.

Have a cookie, or a baker's dozen!

We may be crazy, but we don't bite.

Ooh, another Warriors fan! Your favorite series in the fandom? Since we share it, have a Generic Cat Figurine! It will immediately transform into your favorite cat, from any clan.

Greetings, new friend! Have a Indonesian-to-Parseltongue dictionary!

Oh, wow, the newbie floodtide really is beginning! It's a good thing I got some galoshes after the last entry thread.

Here, have a Basilisk egg! Or maybe it will just turn out to be a chicken egg, since I may not have gotten the ritual right. I'm no good at Harry Potter magic.

Hi, have some fudge!

Have an inexplicably poisonous grass snake I found in a fanfic recently. (it wasn't worth reporting, but that bit stuck out.)

*hug* Hello. Um, here's your gift - a white straw hat with a polka-dotted ribbon wrapped around it. It also has bells hanging from the edges! :)

Selamat datang, perajurit baru! Anda amat bertuah kerana menyertai sekumpulan perwira penentang Sue, perosak jalan cerita, pemusnah alam fiksyen, dan penyakat watak rasmi. Sila memberi perhatian akan Perlembagaan PPC, Wiki PPC, dan silalah berborak di laman chat PPC yang disediakan.

Adat-Istiadat PPC memerlukan kita meraikan tetamu baru dengan sebuah hadiah. Saya menghadiahkan sebungkus buras, makanan kebiasaan orang Bugis. Tapi saya sudah habis memakan ayam lengkuas, maka terpaksalah anda buat sendiri.

Man, I'm too formal up there! Anyways, welcome to PPC, from a Malaysian. Let's put our petty squabbles aside, and enjoy the show. Oh, and wewill ask about your fandoms. So tell us, what are your fandoms?

I'm guessing Monty Phyton.

Also known as the thing that was turned into Fifty Shades.

I'm rather familiar with the site. (I'm currently spying on/helping my friend without telling her it's me. I feel concrit has been easier that way.)The badfic there has many similar traits to the Circle, but it's kind of drowned beneath the 1D and such. Which is probably a good thing, except for when you're looking for original fiction. *grumbles* It's much less scary than the Circle, though, considering that fact that badficcers are not given near-complete free reign. If I find anything worth sporking, I'll be sure to let everyone know.

... 1D is trending now. :/

Where does the Sue Lord come from - i.e. what is it out-of-universe? Is there a mission that hasn't been released yet? Or is it a reference to the Circle's tendency to recycle character types?

I'd be happy to contribute whatever I can to the Ypurescue segement - what sort of thing were you thinking of? Feel free to email me (^clicky-link-thingy attached to my username^) if you want.

We're still looking for people to help with this issue, especially with the visual thing and writing or finding stories, so don't be shy! E-mail me or Lily if interested.

You have awesome design skills, Lily.

In the intro to the Krios article, you say "they found [the Stu's] powers allowed him to detect them through the SEP field". Um, it's kind of been a cornerstone of PPC canon since forever that while canon characters ignore the agents unless they draw attention to themselves, OCs can see them all the time:

Finally, it was time for the Council. Jay and Acacia cast about for a place to rest—and almost tripped over one of two people that could see them. (TOS5: What Might Have Been)

That's why agents have to hide rather than just wandering around making snide comments.

Now, the mission you're referencing seems to fall midway between the two options: the relevant quote is:

...he screamed. “That’s not how that works!”

And then, the action froze. As in, froze, with everybody suddenly stopping what they were doing. Xanthus opened his mouth, but then noticed something very wrong with what the characters did next.

Instead of following the Words, the characters all turned their attention to the agent in question.

This included the Stu, who turned to look directly at the agents. (The Demon Barber of Rebirth, Part 1)

Which is the Stu (and the rest of the cast) hearing a very loud shout and turning to look at it. Any Stu would probably do that. It's not a mark of specialness,

hS

This is really some top-notch work! I think my favourite article was Thane's interview.

About that bit in "An Abundance of Lamposts": it was rumoured that the EPC might have landed a few of their agents in HQ while the shields were down. Off the record, did it really happen? I'm curious now...


I'd like to claim next edition's Canon Scenery of the Issue and partial contribution to the News side of the Briefing.

... Time Lord isn't a species, probably; there are non-Time Lord Gallifreyans, and in some media non-Gallifreyan Time Lords (Leela, as I recall).

There is also one piece of precedent (a distressingly common state of affairs in Doctor Who): in City of Death an artist sketches a surreal picture of Romana (I think it's a broken clock in place of her face) and the Doctor makes a comment about it being a suitable image for a Time Lady. I may have some of the details wrong, but I'm pretty sure it's there.

What We Know Is This (TM): the Doctor and people around him refer to the Gallifreyan society as 'The Time Lords'. They also use this same term to reference the High Council. The Doctor also uses 'Time Lord' to identify himself - so does the Master, and no doubt others. The Doctor has also identified both River and Jenny as (partially) Time Lord, which indicates it can be used as a psuedo-species descriptor at the least.

But what would a Gallifreyan female Time Lord - Susan (presumably), Romana or Rodan (From The Invasion of Time) spring to mind - refer to herself as on introduction? I can't think of a reference off the top of my head, since even the Doctor never used the term while Susan was around, and Rodan would never have had a reason to - it would be like going into a shop on Earth and saying "Hi, I'm Derek - I'm human!".

General conclusion: I see the term 'Time Lord society' much like the term 'House of Lords': the members are referred to collectively as 'the Lords', individually as 'a Lord' - but without this meaning there can't be a female form of the term. It's just not used very often. (And don't get me started on 'Time Tots'--!)

hS

PS: I don't think the weird picture is ever referred to again in that story.

PPS: Am I alone in thinking that Rodan was originally intended for Romana's role? We have an intelligent female Time Lord introduced one story before an intelligent female Time Lord randomly appears on the TARDIS? Suspicious.

PPPS: Agent Morgan wants to comment: "From the heart of the continent Wild Endeavour, from beneath our burning sky, from our ancient Citadel and Capitol, we Time Lords watched over the whole span of Time and Space. We saw your sun fold itself into existence, and we have seen its final, explosive death throes. We have watched galaxies collide and burn - great interstellar empires crumble to dust and ash - entire species rise from the ooze to rise nuclear fire between stars before fading from existence. We have defended your people from a trillion threats you never knew existed, and kept the spark of life alive through the darkest ages of the universe.

"After all that? I like to think we can call ourselves whatever we jolly well please."

Just look at their hats.

I am Australian, although I appear to be the only one left at this point - we used to have several Aussies and at least two Kiwis.

From the South to be more precise. I know there are a few of us Southerners around the PPC.

At least, that's how I identify myself on ethnicity questions. My mom's Brazilian, from Rio, though.

Anglo-Saxon/Irish/Scottish/Russian/Ukrainian-American, to be precise. It's an odd mix.

Well, Norwegian-Irish German-born American citizen, to be precise.

I had no idea there were so many of us! Do any of you live in or near Ontario? We should have a Gathering. One where we sit in an igloo watching hockey games and eating poutine and pancakes with maple syrup and saying 'aboot' and 'eh' a lot.

Seriously, why are we stereotyped as saying 'aboot' all the time? I mean, it's quite possible that some people do (haven't met any myself, but I've been told it happens), but isn't that Scottish? Why does Canada share a stereotype with Scotland?

*crawls back inside portable igloo, which is beginning to melt in the Israeli heat*

~DF

Private Des a' yer service, sir.
I am indeed from Israel; I am currently serving as a soldier in the IDF's C4I Corps.
Kudos for noticing the fact that agent!Des speaks Hebrew.

Another Brit here - I come from Oop North meself. :P Not quite the Scottish borders, but what we call the North-West.

And I think we have a couple of other Scandinavians on Board as well.

As in, "the part of Arizona where misery beats down from the skies every June through August."

I'm Filipina, though I don't look like it. It must be due to some foreign blood from my mother's side. I almost always get mistaken for a Japanese/Chinese girl, it's hilarious for my relatives.

(Can't even speak Chinese out of the most basic things I can remember. Little Fokien, almost everything Mandarin. Adapted almost entirely to English, it's easier to use than Tagalog at any rate.)

Anybody else from that neck of the woods? (Pun was intended.)

Modesto, California.

Dying from the heat.

But I have a pool, so meh.

Actually, I was born and raised in Ukiah. Despite that it is literally haiku spelled backwards, there are zero brainiacs, poets, or writers there.

Well, myself not included, of course. [/Totally Not Stroking Ego]

Fun fact: the band A.F.I. was formed in Ukiah, and Ukiah is a forty-five-ish minute drive from Santa Rosa, where celebrity chef Guy Fierri was born.

Not that this has any bearing on me, now that I'm living right next to the bay area, but still.

Californian, actually, just like Aelin two replies down. I think splendour looks better spelled the British way, though.

-Aila

Although two of my uncles are Russian, my grandmother's from Hungary, my grand-dad was a Pole...and I'm pretty sure my mom's family came in from Austria quite a few generations back.

Genealogy? Do not ask.

California, specifically, but I'm an inveterate Anglophile and tend to use British spellings. And I can do really good accents.

I'm a child of The Corn, though I'm currently in Cowboy country. For those of you who don't speak football, that makes me American. ^^;

The mystical land of Cookietopia. Okay, no, not really, I made it up. I'm an American.

Well, I'm an American, so yeah. Also yes, desdendelle is Israeli. In fact, he's on his legally-required military service now.

Don't be fooled by my German username: I'm a second-generation immigrant, borne of two people who came from Cuba. In fact, one of my prospective missions was going to have a Castro joke, but... unfortunately, that was a co-op mission and my cowriter isn't anywhere to be seen.

We've got a few Americans, at least - myself included - and I believe there are actually two Israeli PPCers, though I don't remember the second person. IIRC, we also have a few people from the Philippines, or at least we did.

And writing from Italy. In fact, if you look at my first missions, you can clearly see that I am much more fluent in English now than back then.

In fact, all my writing projects are in English now - and that's partly because by joining the PPC I had both the occasion and the incentive to keep working on my knowledge of the language.

I want to thank you all for it. Without the PPC, I don't think I would have been able to achieve this level of fluency. Not this fast, at least.

Yeah, you're right with Des.

Also, Austria here. And I think there's some Canadians around, too.

I forget which one of them died first, but I do know that one of them died before the other.

There was another Arwen/Eowyn one on there where I first learnt the ridiculousness of BPAL-crotch. It was... er... interesting.

There was also this crackfic script for Saruman's cooking show. I really should go back and see if that was still funny. Because I can't for the life of me remember why I thought it was funny when I was younger.

Oosacute little mini? Oosacute little mini? *huggles*

The Pit of Balrogs... a very apt name indeed!

That second fic's summary is hurting my brain, and I don't want to even think about it. The first one...I may have to check out, just to see what everyone's talking about.

~DF

Okay, I'm going to try and MST these two... But I'm very, very worried about Eowyn's downtime, now, just as an aside.

*shivers* Why, why'd they have to do that to my favorite LotR female protagonist...

(Actually, second-favorite. Arwen takes the win there. But still.)

By all the stars of Elbereth, WHAT?!

You take the Nightingale and her cousin out of their proper time - tear the Weaver's tapestry asunder to bring them to the Third Age - despoil utterly the greatest tale of love told among the Elves - and after all that, you don't use them? Really? You have a princess of Nargothrond, greatest city of the Noldor in exile, and Luthien of Doriath - possible the greatest weaver of elven magic of all time - and you don't do anything with them?

I want to take this. I really do. I want to dissect everything that's wrong with it and kill it dead. But I have a serious problem:

There's nothing to charge for!

The English is fairly touch-and-go, but this is a non-first-language author (A/N in chapter 12), so some slack should be cut. And Luthien at least is wildly out of character, so there's a character replacement/potential exorcism victim on hand... but she doesn't do anything! The entire story is a copy of the films, with occasional comments by the abductees. I don't know what department would even take this, it's so clearly wrong, but in such an undefinable way.

And that very nature means there's no 'moment when it breaks canon' - except of course for the very beginning. I'm not even sure there's anything worth writing.

But. I want to kill it. Does anyone think it could fall under the Department of Temporal Offenses? Or even the Department of WhatThe? I could club it to death on those terms...

hS

T​he quote scared me off. Somebody please kill this.​

Judging by the quote at the end, I'll have fun MSTing this regardless.

(Wow, I have a lot of MSTs on my plate now.

Let's see:

Two ongoing for LotR,
Two more to start for LotR,
One for Lucky Star,
One for Lost Odyssey,
One I recently finished for LotR - I think.

Yeah, I think I just packed my whole week.

Ah well! I do it for fun anyhow.)

ARGH! AUGH! BRAIN HURTS! (Explodes from sheer horror.)

THANK you SO MUCH for introducing me to the horror of Thirty Hs... Excuse me while I bash my brains out against the pavement here.

Good thing I would up putting it off so long! Eh heh.

Hypothetically, if a person were high, has drunk more than ten bottles of Red Bull, ate -insert improbable number here- cookies/sweets, would they create something of this magnitude?

At least, that's my hypothesis.

Just one paragraph and I closed the tab. I don't even understand a word of this fic, and that's coming from someone who spoke English as long as Indonesian... Er, what is it about anyway?

I have no words.

I think it's love

I've always liked Thirty H's. If you squint, it almost reads like Catch 22, if Catch 22 was written by an aging hippie on a bad acid trip.

The new chapter did not disappoint, which is to say, it continued to sound like a deranged lunatic talking in his sleep.

Thirty Hs is what you read when you want nothing to make sense any more.

I haven't heard of that, but my god, that name...

Wh...!

Help me. I can't words.

Also, what are the constraints? If it being portable wasn't an issue, I suggest a naquadah generator from the Stargate universe, or maybe a ZPM from the same.

A G-Diffusion system might do. Verses employing this technology: Star Fox, F-Zero.

Runs on phlebotinium according to what I know (Arwingpedia offers reasonable conjecture, however), so I doubt you'll need to explain much, making it fairly easy to use.

Can be used to both modify mass and produce energy. Commonly installed into fighter craft. Likely also found in vessels up to cruiser-weight, in accordingly large variations.

Known to be temperamental and only as reliable as plot and Legal allow.

A (small) plothole rescued from a badfic. I believe there's precedent for an Agent removing one from a fic and turning it over to Makes Things, back in the TOS era.

You might have to get in touch with Shepard for that.

A Mister Fusion from Back to the Future. It'll take anything as fuel, including running on your rubbish.

Even though these questions seem to be obviated, it seems only right to ask (especially since no one else did):

1) How did you first run across the PPC?
2) Did you read the PPC Constitution and the Original Series?

That said, it seems that we have some fandoms in common (Avatar and Pokemon). That said, your newbie gift:
*shuffles through Trainer-issue bag of holding*
Aha!
Have a Ditto! It's sure to be a help for a multi-fandom Boarder like yourself!

Might I inquire about your views on crossovers?

Finally you have made an introductory post! Now you can join in the fun, which we have much of around here. As for your newbie gift... have a toaster, polka-dotted in Suvian colors and equipped to shoot pastries at high velocity!

Drat, your entry thread was the one I had forgotten about! (facepalms) This shows me for answering newbie threads when I first wake up.

Here, take my Remembrall, I won't be needing it any more. My current memory problems are more than it can handle.

Hmm... we have some like fandoms! (Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, and I do like Avatar well enough! Pokémon was a childhood fave.)

Um, here's a bag of assorted sweets for your welcome gift.

Welcome to the Board! Have some of my world-famous hydrophobic water to commemorate the event. Made from concentrate.

Here, have an Infinite Notebook (lined), complete with urple covers and wilver binding! Greetings!

-Aila

Greetings, new friend! Have a Dive Ball!

Do you want to make a contra-

Ahem. Welcome a-board! Have an urple fountain pen!

Good that you're interested in stuff, because there is plenty of stuff for you to do stuff with!

Have some Industrial Strength BleepNerds! I have massive overstock and need desperately to clear out some space in the warehouse, so I'm giving these away in bulk!

Have a seventeen foot long, multicolored, wool, knit scarf (curly wig not included) and a bag of jelly babies.

Remember to use them IRresponsibly.

But asides from that, welcome, fellow Animorphs fan! Have a furry velociraptor!

Talk about a rare fandom!

Usually, I'd rummage through my bag of holding for a gift, but in your case, let me give you a link to some goodfic (assuming you have not yet read it):
Here are the fics The New Dawn and The Kelbrid Wars, which take place after that annoying cliffhanger that K.A. Applegate closed the series with! I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

Have a cookie.

Seeing as I've only been a member myself for a little under a month, this would be our first meeting.

Lovely to meet you, my good sir or madam!

Have a jug of apricot nectar and this cubist portrait of John Quincy Adams.

-- Len

In honor of your joining (or possibly rejoining), have a toaster! It's polka-dotted in Suvian colors, and shoots pastries at high velocity!

Here, take a Time Vortex Manipulator so you can go back in time to smack your past self for embarrassing you. What, there are time rules against that? Well, then, I suppose you could always just embarrass your past self behind the scenes. Your most humilating moments can now be attributed to an angry future self irritated by your past self's fanfiction!

And, just in case, here's a muffin of your preferred flavor from the welcome-back pastries table!

Welcome to the Board! Have some of my world-famous hydrophobic water to commemorate the event. Most definitely not one of the reasons that some Discworld angels rise up, rise up.

Hi!

Here, have an Infinite Notebook (lined), complete with urple covers and wilver binding! In the two months or so I've been here, it's become my favorite gift.

-Aila

Greetings, new friend! Have a singing sword!

Darn greasemonkey script. I always forget I've got it on.

So, I guess you make lyrics or something, if you have the muse?

As a gift, I offer you virtual set of angklung. It's clickoty-clock sound is bound to soothe any monster with a passion for counting.

-I mean "Welcome back to the PPC!"

I've been on a Puella Magi kick lately, so have a grief seed. Handle with care.

As a re-welcome gift, please for the love of all that is sacred take some of these BleepNerds, I am literally drowning in them.

Teen Titans? Did I hear Teen Titans? Oh and there's some Avater the Last Airbender too! I get the feeling you'll love it here!

Have a furry velociraptor!

Why is everyone saying 'hi' on their first post now? It's like a whole line of threads with the beginning post marked 'Hi!'

Welcome to the PPC! Since it seems no one has asked, let me:

1) How did you rin across the PPC?
2) HAve you read the PPC Constitution and the Original Series?

It seems that we share fandoms--all four, to be precise! What to give on this momentous occasion?
*rummages through Trainer-issue bag of holding*
Aha!
Have a snowglobe, with a picture of your favorite fictional character inside! Be sure to keep it away from any Sues or agents who have that character as an LO.

LET ME GLOMP YOU well not if you don't want me to but I mean you're lovely.

Nice to meet you, SalaRita!

Here, have a charming and amiable ROUS (Rodent of Unusual Size). Feed him 6 oz. of lightly roasted human flesh twice a day, and don't worry about grooming. He's quite sanitary.
Careful, he bites!

I'm Len, by the way. Sadly, it seems we don't share any fandoms, but it's great to have a new compañero in the PPC!

Here, have an Infinite Notebook (lined), complete with urple covers and wilver binding! Greetings!

-Aila

Welcome! Have a shiny pokemon of your choice (i chose audino)

I like Pokémon, too, but mainly the anime. In honor of your joining, have a toaster! It's polka-dotted in Suvian colors, and shoots pastries at high velocity!

Greetings, new friend! Have a bag of wind!

I was right about the newbie floodtide! This makes five within the last three days! I may need more than galoshes now. SeaTurtle's materially impossible water is going to start getting everywhere!

Have a Galvan-enhanced Air Nomad glider! No longer do you need Airbending powers to use it, because it's basically a jet pack now, what with the way those little guys have been tinkering with it. A portable jet pack!

Here, have this Generic Shiny Object. :)

Welcome to the Board! Have some of my world-famous hydrophobic water to commemorate the event. You can drink it, but only if you construct additional pylons.

Confetti! Confetti everywhere!

Here's a top-off for your hydrophobic water canteen!

I'm not going to be able to go if there aren't more people. (Stupid safety rules...and I can't even recruit a friend to come with, because they'll all be in the army or not in Israel. Unless I'm missing someone...) So...if anyone knows where to find Israeli Boarders or IRCers, now's the time to recruit them for this mini-Gathering (minis are also invited).

Sorry about this. But that's how it seems to work: you're not allowed to go on your own to meet someone you only know via the internet. /grumbles/ Don't you wish we lived in a world where violence and predators and the like didn't exist? Where, say, the only bad things came from outside your life, or were limited to bullies who used words as weapons?

I'm tempted to write that story now.

~DawnFire

Nor can I, unfortunately. But if you get the chance, Nachal Dragot is spectacular this time of year

Israel minis? Like what, Israle? Isarel?

Then I've noticed you weren't talking about minis at all.

Sorry, unable to attend. Cannot book flight.

From the hearth spilt red-gold light,

Aden: Dude, I don't think even wizards can split light of any sort. What is that hearth made of?
Ethan: God, Aden. The hearth is God Incarnate.

===

Erm, you may wish to reread that bit. I'm certain "spilt" and "split" have vastly different meanings in spite of looking similar. ^^;;

Oh, how I love to see the perverted fantasies of others laid waste by the ruthlessly nitpicky. I need to do one of these some day, myself (when I stop being lazy, of course).

I'm enjoying this a lot so far, but I noticed that Arwen stole a couple of Aden's lines in part 3. :P

If so, could somebody provide me with links?