Dec 2012 Archive, part c

Caroline's eyes fluttered open reluctantly as an odd scratching at her bedroom door dragged her away from a spectacular dream about giant chocolate bunnies. Grumbling, the sleep-deprived teenager rolled onto her belly, dropping her arm over the edge of the bed to snatch her cell phone from the floor (she briefly considered adding a nightstand to her Christmas list, only to remember a beat later that having one would only add to the clutter in her room). After turning it on and letting her eyes adjust to the sudden light, she glanced at the time on the phone's display and tossed it back onto the floor with a groan.

For a moment she wondered what her pets could possibly want so early in the morning - her cell phone was rather clearly displaying the time as being 12:02 AM. Then, with a sigh, the teenager hauled herself up, slipped her slippers on (the only downside she could see to having all hardwood floors was that they got so bloody cold in the winter), and finally went to open her bedroom door.

As she did, she was greeted by a high-pitched, incredibly cute-sounding chirp. Surprised - cats didn't make quite that sound - Caroline looked down to see what looked like a Furby come to life. The thing was bright yellow with a white tummy and an orange beak and feet. It stared up at Caroline with large, blue eyes and chirped again, flapping its little wings like a happy, newly-hatched penguin chick.

"That... 's friggin' adorable," Caroline mumbled, still not entirely sure if she was awake.

The little Furby thing chirped again and waddled towards her, flapping its stubby little wings as though it wanted a hug. Caroline reached down to pick it up - and noticed just in time that the little fuzzy thing had turned her hardwood floors into ultra-plush, Pepto-pink carpeting wherever its feet touched the floor.

"Ho, hey, hang on, little fella," Caroline said, backing away again. "Yer spreadin' the cute around a bit, there. You contagious or somethin'?"

The Furby chirped again and began waddling faster, blinking rapidly as Caroline nearly fell rump-over-heels over a half-unpacked box of books.

"I really need to unpack the rest of my stuff," Caroline grumbled as she staggered around behind her bed. The Furby thing was still coming, turning everything it touched cute. Her sleeping bag (which needed to be rolled up and put away)? Pink and white, with gold princess-y writing all over it. Her cell phone? Hot pink with white and black hearts everywhere. Her necklaces, all silver chains with (she thought) medieval-y designed pendants? Gold chains dripping with cutesy doggy, kitty, lovey charms.

"Go away, you little freaky cute thing!" Caroline snapped. "Quit make my stuff cute! I mean," she added, backing up again as it crawled across the bed towards her, "I like cute things, but I'm more a swords-and-shining-knights kinda girl, you know?"

the Furby thing chirped again and picked up part of a curtain rod from the floor near Caroline's feet (seriously, why hadn't she unpacked and stowed everything yet?) As the stunned teenager watched, the curtain rod turned sparkling white; the end of the rod became a fluffy pink cotton ball, and dripped with gold and white ribbon and strings of red, heart-shaped beads.

"Oh, great," Caroline grumbled, "And now you're armed."

"Yah," the Furby chirped, waving its baton threateningly.

Caroline waited a second longer; just as the Furby pulled back to take a swing at her with the baton, she dove across her bed, landed in a heap on the (thankfully) now-plushy floor, and them scrambled out of her bedroom and slammed the door shut.

"That little jerk turned my door pink!" Caroline snapped. "Oh, Im'ma make me cutie stew..."

Something grabbed the door handle from inside the room and started trying to force the door open. Figuring she was better off getting armed than waiting out the adorable abomination, Caroline turned and bolted for the garage, hoping she could get to the gun safe before she was cutiefied.

Behind her, the Furby thing had thrown the door open and waddled menacingly out into the house, swinging its baton like a miniature, adorable law enforcement officer of evil as it began a methodical search for its victim.

It had searched - and cutiefied - two bedrooms and a bathroom, and had begun to do the same with a third bedroom when--

*KBLAM*

Caroline squeaked and jumped back, her rifle still aimed at the hot pink pile of glitter and stained yellow feathers that was all that remained of the adorable little terror.

"Cuteness explodes?" Caroline muttered to herself after a moment. "Guess that kinda makes sense..."

At that moment, something grabbed the back of Caroline's nightshirt, and she was dragged, screaming, bedraggled, and still clutching her rifle, through what should have been the linen closet in her hallway.

She landed with a thump on a different floor in a room that most certainly did not exist in her house. Still clutching her gun - though being careful to keep the barrel pointed up to the ceiling - she slowly stood up and took a disbelieving look around.

"What the hell...?" she wondered, blinking rapidly as though she'd been smacked between the eyes.

((Can the not-PPC characters be gathered from several different continua, or do these all have to be from World One?

...

Actually, never mind, it's author!Caroline's time to whine shine! BRING IT, CAFS!))

I don't know anything about the two fandoms involved and I think you did a good job of showing what was wrong in this fic, while at the same time recognising that some parts of the canons are a bit silly.

If I might offer some concrit, though, I thought that the mission lost some momentum during the card duels. A lot of it was someone using a non-canonical card or using a card in the wrong way and the agents complaining about and saying how it was supposed to work. I felt that some of it could have been abridged. Alternately, I would have liked to see more actual effects and jokes from the non-canonical cards, like with 'Rose in Bloom', which I thought was great!

The agent banter was funny and well written and chocolate-intoxicated Riaa was a nice surprise. I did not see it coming and it was fun to watch her like that.

Wait, only one page? I want MOAR!

Can't wait for more. This is shaping up to be EPIC!

I must have failed the HTML, sorry. No HTML this time, then.

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/3031956/1/Before-the-Light

Hey, if you're bored, feel free to browse my Fictionpress account...

At least on what you've said about it, it sounds workable - the biggest questions in a permission giver's mind are if you can write good characters, and if you can write well in general. As long as that's relatively visible, the genre shouldn't be a problem.

There have been multiple requests where we've asked for more, too - it's not a "we will fail you if we don't see exactly what we want" thing.

Hmmm... got a fandom that you don't see discussed around here much? Make a random plug for it. I've noticed that I tend to be fans of books and series that don't have a lot of activity on the board in general because they aren't prone to fanfiction. For example, I love A Wizard of Earthsea and Witch World, which don't exactly get a large amount of attention on the internet. (For which I'm kind of secretly grateful because I never want to know what the shippers would do in either of those universes.)

Other than that, I guess... just general discussion stuff? I haven't been here too long, and I show up when I can, so I might not be the best person to ask. Also, *Hugs* because I know what it's like to have medical issues and a crazy course schedule. Hemophilia sounds scary. :(

Sorry to hear about your medical issues, here's hoping they behave themselves!

I recall your presence a while back, so I'm glad to see you've returned. As for how to get more involved, I would say just don't hold back! We aren't super-big important people who don't have time for you, so don't be shy. If you have a question, ask it. If you have something you want to discuss, say it! To be honest, I don't have anything better to do at the moment, so if you need me for anything, just ask! Don't be a stranger!

Ouch, hemophilia? Not fun - although I'm glad you're in better health again!

I know what you mean about feeling too new to interact - when I first started here a few months back, I felt like a third-grader trying to fit in with high school students! I figured the best way to get past that was to read everything PPC-related I could find and participate in conversations that dealt with subjects I already knew something about (at least to start with). That way, I was able to figure out the many personalities here and learn about the PPC at the same time.

And, of course, I probably annoyed people with how often I used.to post links to badfics I'd found - that was before I realized anyone can edit the Unclaimed Badfics page on the Wiki!

First, welcome back! I'm glad to hear your health has stabilized.

Like the others said, you weren't doing anything wrong, but pretty much the only way to integrate anywhere, not just here, is to get involved with discussions and games and whatever else is going on at a given time. That's how we get to know each other. {= )

Jumping in head-first can be scary, though, so to get a sense of how things work on the Board, I recommend reading stuff on the Board. Read everything. Read posts you wouldn't normally think of reading, because you never know what might come up as the thread goes on. We are incredibly prone to tangents and silliness around here.

I'm afraid that's pretty much all there is to it, though: reading and writing. If you didn't come here expecting to do lots of both, especially the first, that's the bit you'll have to work on to improve. You'll never catch on to how we do things if you don't observe others interacting for yourself, and since that pretty much all happens in text, the only way to observe is to read.

Also, speaking for the wiki, there are less-than-random ways to go about learning over there. For instance, if you read the main page, you'll find many particularly handy links listed. For another thing, there's a blue menu bar across the top of the wiki, where there are more handy links. Some of them are the same ones, and you can assume those are important, and some aren't, but those are good to know, too.

When you feel ready, a great way to start interacting would be to leave reviews of new missions for their authors. Being new doesn't make your opinion of a story any less valid, and constructive feedback is always gratifying for the author. Plus, we all like talking about our characters, so commenting about them is a good way to strike up a discussion with someone new. {; )

I hope that helps.

~Neshomeh

I remember when I first joined, it was a bit intimidating for me too. I had been a lurker, and I returned to lurking for a bit until some discussions started that I felt I could participate in. Don't feel like veteran boarders won't value your opinion. They will. And you don't have to post on every thread, just where you can contribute, as I'm sure you can.
I'm speaking as a relative newbie myself--I only joined a few months ago.

Have some welcome back awesome-laced cookies.

And from what I read, it sounds like you were a bit overwhelmed by the PPC as a whole. But don't worry, we don't bite, unless you want us to. Just, well, you were doing right. Join some discussions and get a general feeling of how the PPC works.

Gimme a hug!

I'm glad the end of the world didn't stop you from going for Permission. *g* And may I say that I look forward to seeing that fic sporked. I glanced at it just to see what fandom it was, and then the level of sheer nonsense kept me reading. "Emerald" is short for "Esmeralda"? She and Draco and Blaise—or is it Blaze?—Zambini are reincarnations of some sort? What? {X D I love how she mysteriously has nothing against Muggles and Muggleborns despite being raised by the Malfoys from the tender age of one. And how most of chapter five is word for word from the book.

Anyway! The agents and writing sample look pretty good, though you (and your betas) need to keep an eye on your end-dialogue punctuation. There are several commas that should be periods and vice versa. Here follow several examples with their corrections below:

* “Hmm,” the man looked thoughtful.

** "Hmm." The man looked thoughtful. [You can't speak a thoughtful look, or "hmm" one, either.]

* “Fine.” he sighed.

** "Fine," he sighed. -OR- "Fine." He sighed. [Either he said "Fine" on a heavy exhale, or he said "Fine" and then sighed.]

* “Okay by me.” She replied and she pushed him through the portal.

** "Okay by me," she replied, and she pushed him through the portal. -OR- "Okay by me," she replied, then pushed him through the portal. [The second is less redundant and flows better, IMO.]

* “Guess what!” the woman grinned at Will, giving him an uneasy feeling.

** "Guess what!" The woman grinned at Will, giving him an uneasy feeling. [You can't speak a grin.]

* “You get to go see the Marquis de Sod!” she grabbed Will’s robe and pushed him out the door, slamming it behind him.

** "You get to go see the Marquis de Sod!" She grabbed Will's robe and pushed him out the door, slamming it behind him. [You can't speak a grab, either.]

* “Well, that’s not normal.” Will said to himself.

** "Well, that's not normal," Will said to himself. [You can speak to yourself.]

* “I was brought here on the threat of death, then sent to find a Marquis after being locked out and denied directions.” Will replied in a defensive tone.

** "I was brought here on the threat of death, then sent to find a Marquis after being locked out and denied directions," Will replied in a defensive tone. [You can also speak a reply.]

* Get lost. It replied, and Will stalked out the doorway, slamming the door behind him.

** Get lost, it replied, and Will stalked out the doorway, slamming the door behind him. [See previous note.]

If there's anything you don't understand, let me know and I'll try to explain better. {= )

Also, one more thing:

* “Not a clue. Can you help me find the Marquis?” There was another almost-sigh from the flower.
    I am the Marquis de Sod, head of the Department of Personnel. From the agents’ behavior as well as your own, I can see that you are a new recruit. Name?

There's no reason not to put the flower's action (the sigh) with the flower's dialogue here. It's a new sentence, so putting it on the next line with the matching dialogue wouldn't disrupt anything. I seem to be in the minority with my opinion that people should stick to their own paragraphs generally, but that doesn't mean breaking up people's dialogue and actions willy-nilly is a good idea. {= P

Aside from that, nothing really jumps out at me as a problem. Heartfelt thanks for using paragraph indentations, though, since you aren't using double-breaks between paragraphs. It's nice to know the indent isn't a lost art. {= )

~Neshomeh

…But I'd give you Permission. The only thing I'd suggest is if you're in freelance, don't forget to move out of Harry Potter. There have been a lot of missions in it already. Not saying you shouldn't kill that badfic and some others, but don't forget to branch out. :)

I wouldn't know about not aging, given as I'm part of a lovely crop of whippersnappers that popped out of the woodwork just this year. :)

The Gods walk among us, and great heroes of old return to visit. Truly, it is a glorious age we live in!

(I'm not usually like this, I swear. I'm just tired from entertaining The Cousins so the rest of our family could enjoy Christmas without being interrupted by swordfights around the dining room table)

And yes, sadly, it's almost exactly the same Board underneath. A bit dated, but the foundation is still level and the roof doesn't leak much.

Wow, you're quite an oldbie. Ten years is a long time. Warm welcome back from a pretty shiny newbie.

Woa, 10 years? ._.
You must be the oldest PPC member I've seen in here, also, your username is kind of familiar...
Hmmm....
Wait? Beauty in disguise....the constitution!
Wow.
Just wow.

Ello there, 'names World-Jumper, and this is my work in progress OC, Jumper.
(Pleased to make your aquatence!)
We are less than a month old on the board, so next to an oldby like you, all I'm saying is "waah wah, ga ga, goo goo." Oh well, good to see some old people.
Heh, here, have some denture cream, ya old coot!

Hello! It's great to see an Oldbie come back! Nice to meet you!

You likely won't know me, I've only been around four years or so. But welcome back! Have a cupcake with sprinkles.

*hides Ring of dread power infused with the strength of a Dark Lord* We're just well-preserved. :D

'ullo, chuckles. Yeah, we've been keeping the old place ticking over, the fires burning, and the metaphors like similies. As if we'd ever stop.

(We're far too sad for that. :P Welcome back)

hS

Oh my gosh. I don't remember if I've met you before! Hello again, have some lemming repellent! After all, the more things stay the same, the more things change! Or was that the other way around?

That's to say, we have more pits with more badfics, and more insanity than ever before!

...Beauty in Disguise, would you?

The one who signed the Original Constitution?

Good gracious, we've ben getting a lot of über-oldbies poking their heads in here these past few months...

Anyhoo, I'm SeaTurtle, the local distributor of hydrophobic water. Have some: it helps you solve bistromathic equations!

Vhat has just happened...?

(Yes, I just shamelessly quoted My Little Pony. Deal with it. :D)

The Dresden Files (Urban Fantasy. Professional Wizard in modern-day Chicago. Very funny and well-written), Fate/Stay Night (Anime. Historical/Mythical heroes fight for the Holy Grail. VERY large fanbase, lots of 'fics. I've sporked a few myself), Halo: Combat Evolved (Military Sci-fi. Humanity vs. Aliens).

I have a LOT of free time, so if you want/need any help at all, feel free to ping me.

That class sounds like a fantastic idea!
Sadly, I can't help you with the fandom stuff, because I don't know any of these that well, heck, I haven't even watched Star Wars :/

And as for the fandoms you need, I think you should include something different, like video games (Mario Bros is quite a large fandom)
and comics.

That class will be EPIC.

Also, I think you should probably bring in the Sherlock Holmes fandom - not just for the modern adaptations, but also the original - there'll be plenty of movie/TV show fodder, and the Holmesians are one of the oldest fandoms with some of the most illustrious members (come on, what other fandom has freaking Franklin Delano Roosevelt in it?).

Talk about a meeting of minds. I go to HB Woodlawn! Alternative education rocks. You guys have a more comprehensive Wikipedia page than us though. Ours barely covers the school. Time to rectify that...

As far as the fandoms you've already got go, I can only offer one other website for MLP:FiM, and that's FiMFiction.net It's a fanwork site, and I think you can upload pictures as well as fanfics, but I've only seen the writing side, so...

Now, for fandoms (you say you need two more?), since you've listed series, I would offer Naruto, Dragonball, ThunderCats
Also, WHY DO I NOT ATTEND THIS SCHOOL GRAHR.

Agent Vania paused Epic Mickey after a knock sounded at the door—an oddly metallic knock, considering the door itself was fashioned from Generic Surface. She passed Doc, who was reading some murder mystery on the bunk bed, and opened the door.

“would you like some candy” the . . . person . . . standing at the door said. They wore a sickeningly brownish-pink suit and bore an oddly blank, staring expression. They were short and stooped, and had a head covered in brown hair that looked almost like yarn. “i have candy”

“Uh . . .”

“Is it that Sunflower’s Witness again?” called Doc. “Tell her to stop interrupting Canon Research Time™.”

“It’s definitely not the Witness,” Vania said. “What kind of candy are you selling?”

“i have free candy little boy”

“Whoa, now! I usually leave the literary quotes to Doc, but I—”

“NO LIVING MAN AM I!” Doc interjected, standing up in bed.

“. . . Right. Well, I’m certainly not a boy, at any rate. I’m beginning to suspect you’re not a legit candy man. Do you mix it with love and make the world taste good?”

The odd person’s eyes seemed to bug out a moment. “running Friendship Protocol v2.1” The mouth turned up in a smile for just a brief moment, then settled back into emotionlessness. “i am little boy like you”

“Doc? Did you agree to let Chris Hansen set up a sting in our RC and forget to tell me?”

“No . . .” Doc finally got down from the bed and joined Vania at the door. “Who is this?”

“i am little boy like you . . . both”

“God damn it! Seriously?” Vania shouted. “Are you a badly described parody clone of Professor Oak? Look!” She started lifting up her shirt, but Doc blocked her arms.

“Wait! Do you smell hot dogs, Vania?”

She sniffed. “The air does seem a bit . . . meaty, doesn’t it?”

“there is only free smell of free candy”

“♪Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam♪”

Behind the odd person, six Vikings marched through the hallway, swinging their broad arms back and forth with elbows crooked as they sang.

“♪Lovely spam, wonderful spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam . . .♪”

The singing faded away as the Vikings moved further down the hall.

“this is coincidence”

Vania batted her eyelashes. “Doc, please bring me my pen.”

“You want a pen?”

“I want my BIG, WOODEN PEN, Doc.”

“Oh! Of course.”

As Doc retreated back into his RC to find Vania’s baseball bat, the odd person’s eyes bulged out again. “yes free candy for boys just go to double-u double-u double-u dot dot dot dot dot . . .”

Vania’s bat had interrupted the individual’s speech by way of decapitation. The standing torso’s neck oozed pinkish meat while the wire-filled head stuttered on the floor. “. . . dot dot candy free candy frandy frandy—” The head was interrupted a second time by its body toppling backwards and crushing it.

“It was a—”

“I figured it out from context, Vania.”

“Let’s just be thankful it’s gone now,” Vania said.

“And hopefully, it’s an isolated incident,” Doc replied.

A metallic clanging echoed into their RC. Both agents leaned out, where they observed that every RC door in the hallway had an odd person standing before it, knocking at it.

“Doc, get on ICEP and contact DoSAT. Then open a portal to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. I’m getting some candy out of this, damn it!”

“♪Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam . . .♪”

They could at least be less repetitive in their spamming. We expect creativity here!

And good thing too. Merry Christmas everyone!

I would hand out presents, but Sasha stole half of them, and Mike accidently set the rest on fire trying to get them back.

Though 2 days late xD, you see I celebrate Christmas the 24.

Have all some delicious bacon and a piece of chocolate pie :)

Thanks for the panettone! Christmas is not complete without it D:

Since we all seem to bringing baked goods, have some chocoate mint brownies and cherry-chocolate biscotti. Glad the spammer stopped or was stopped. It's a Christmas miracle!

It snowed last night where I live, but most of it melted by morning, so I guess you could say I had a partially white Cristmas? But anyway, everyone have some of my caramel-filled chocolate cookies, they're still warm and gooey!

And to all a good night!

*distributes mince pies, Christmas cake (heavy, brandy-soaked fruit cake covered in marzipan and white icing, for those who've never heard of it as I know some haven't), trifle and ice-cream*

Happy four days post-solstice! Have some cheesecake (safe for mini consumption, especially mini-Charlottes.)

Don't forget to watch Doctor Who! I just have and it is 100% fantastically amazingly brilliant.

So there! *^___^*

Most especially to The Nameless Admin who most graciously banhammered our holiday spambots.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hearths Warming, Joyful Holidays - whichever you prefer, have a brilliant day today.

Here, we made fudge and cranberry-raisin French toast for everyone. Don't ask about the French toast - it's kind of a new tradition.

-- Kitty

Teh Specs has hijacked this post to threaten you with an eventual return. And to wish you a merry Christmas! :D

--SpecstacularSC

Have some Christmas cookies and tiramisù!

Have some apple pie! No seriously, I made pie for Christmas. What's wrong with me.

Treacle tart for all!

Don't forget to brush your teeth afterwards! This stuff is pure sugar.

Not that it matters or anything...

Have some of the monkey bread that my mother made! It's... I don't know how to describe it. Sweet pastry-ish balls covered in cinnamon and sugar and some sort of stick syrup and love. Enjoy!

Thank you for the sweet bread! I'll be in the corner watching Sherlock on my shiny new iPhone and waiting for my dad to get up so I can download iBooks to read my ebooks.

Cookies and donuts for everybody!

Let's see what I can dig up here... A set of self-washing dishes, fifteen yards of bungee cord, a live tiger, the simple solution to Fermat's last theorem, a hand-knitted but extremely ugly Christmas sweater, the elusive perfectly-brewed pot of coffee, and a collection of Abraham Lincoln's pocket lint.

Well, take your pick!

Applesauce coffee cake, anyone? This batch is made with Splenda, but there's a second pan using sugar in the oven.

A white Christmas where I am, with just a light dusting of snow. :) May all of your fandoms be Sue-free in the coming year!

Free sweet rolls for everyone! We shall consume them with these chestnuts over this open hearth.
(Don't worry, it is pleny large and hot enough for everyone to enjoy!)
Indeed Jumper. Now, let us sing ppcarols together!

Badfic roasting on an open fire...

Cookies for everyone!

I'm not very good at baking, so have a Doctor Who/Muppets video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLrxvKrijgU

Episode 3 of (Un)Intelligence is ready for beta-readers! It's a little over 2000 words on GDocs.

Any takers? Two or three readers would be enough.

First of all, well done coming here to ask for help! The first step in learning to write better is having the courage to see where improvement is needed! :D

Now, I've only read through the second chapter so far (did you mean to link to chapter two?), but I can already see a few SPaG (spelling, punctuation, and grammar) problems, especially in this section:

The only thing going through the old castle in the middle of the dark forest was a cool breeze and a few sounds of birds flying through the old enclaves where they had built their nests and homes away from the animals in the forest around them. Though a new addition which they gave it no attention, they had no reason to look at the strange creature which had appeared with a shine and another larger one like it.

To start, the bolded snippets are worded awkwardly. For the first one, it almost seems as though you missed a word or two. A better way to write that part might be, "There was, however, a new addition to the formerly barren castle, to which the birds paid no attention..." That way, your readers understand that the castle isn't the new addition all the birds are ignoring.

The second bit simply has a few words that can perhaps be replaced with more accurate terms, like this: "...appeared with a flash of light and had initially been accompanied by another, larger creature like it." This doesn't necessarily clear anything up - that part was already pretty clear - but it does make the sentence flow more smoothly. Additionally, since the larger creature (Discord, yes?) is not with the smaller one, perhaps something should be added to let the readers know Discord is no longer in the castle?

Secondly, your sentences are a bit long and need some more punctuation to indicate changes in subject or 'focus'; that is to say, if your sentence is a scenery, every time your reader 'looks' at something else, there should be punctuation. For instance, with just a bit of re-wording, you could write the first sentence something like this:

The old castle that sat in the middle of the dark forest was nearly deserted; at first, the only things within were a cool breeze and the sounds of birds flying through the old enclaves where they had built their homes, away from the animals in the forest around them.

By breaking the sentence up somewhat like that, you give the reader's 'eyes' time to see everything - or, more literally, you give their mind time to process the image you're trying to create for them. Remember, writing is a visual art as vivid as painting or sculpting; if your reader can't visualize what you're trying to tell them about, they aren't likely to enjoy your work.

One pebble from the ceiling had been finally pushed from its perch on the oldest timber high over head by a small bird which grabbed a bug from under it dropping the small marble sized stone onto the head of the strange creature. It hit it in the center of the forehead making it groan scaring a mouse away from it making it get up.

Again, you need commas and semi-colons; otherwise, your sentences just seem like long, rambling strings of words! You don't even need to re-word your first sentence, or even your second one, really:

One pebble from the ceiling had been finally pushed from its perch on the oldest timber high over head by a small bird as it grabbed a bug from under it, in the process dropping the small marble-sized stone onto the head of the strange creature. It hit it in the center of the forehead, making it groan. The sudden sound frightened a nearby mouse, and the small creature skittered into the shadows as the creature sat up.

Another thing I've noticed is that you tend to use a lot of adverbs and adjectives, especially at the start of your second paragraph: One pebble from the ceiling had been finally pushed from its perch on the oldest timber high over head by a small bird which grabbed a bug from under it dropping the small marble sized stone onto the head of the strange creature.

Now, I only bolded the two that, in that sentence, are relatively unnecessary. We don't really need to know the timber the pebble was on also happened to be the oldest timber there, and saying that something is 'small' and 'marble-sized' is a bit redundant; even shooter marbles are considered pretty small, so most readers won't see a boulder if you simply call something 'marble-sized'.

Description is a wonderful thing to have - it can help you 'paint' a magnificent picture in the minds of your readers - but, as with paint and carving, overusing descriptive words can make the story drag unnecessarily, and takes away what I think is one of the most beautiful aspects of literature: the ability of the readers to fill in a few details for themselves.

While too little description can give your readers nothing to imagine (which results in very bland writing), too much strips them of their imagination, which not only makes the story feel as though it is desperate to impress people, but also causes the reader to feel penned-in and unable to enjoy the story. It can give your writing a sense that everyone in it knows exactly what's going on, and that you as a writer are unwilling to accept new ideas from reviewers or to allow your readers to 'help' you paint your story - or rather, to add enough of their own imaginations to what they're reading to make the story and characters resonate with them (if that makes any sense.)

That's all I can think of technically; as for MLP:FiM, I think I can help with character interactions. Now, if I'm not mistaken, the pony Jake stumbled across was Fluttershy, wasn't it? Since I've only read the second chapter, I'm not sure what changes you've made other than Jake showing up, but if this is following Discord's victory in the Canterlot palace maze, Fluttershy should canonically act like a bully at this point in the fi...il Twilight reunited her friends (and thus the Elements of Harmony), Fluttershy did not stammer and she (very importantly) did not treat anyone kindly. Additionally, if she has not been Discorded in this story, she should still recognize Jake as a Draconequus and react with fear rather than open friendliness. Angel has the right idea by attacking him!

I promise I'll read the rest of the story when I can, and hopefully I can give you a more detailed run-down of how to improve your story. :D

-- KittyNoodles is going to start signing her posts now, 'kay everyone?

... but if they don't like their afterlife accomodation, they will just leave it and go back to whatever they were doing before.

But since they're bulb flowers they do also spread really quickly and bloom in springtime. Or something.

But first you have to figure out which one ThatOne is.

Fruit Ninja! Okay, I'm a goner…

I can fix the not-dying thing. -picks up a sledgehammer-

Just before they die, they transfer their katra (soul) into another person via mind-meld. Then all you have to do is rehabilitate their body and do another mind-meld, preferably supervised by a Vulcan high priestess.
Of course, if you can't rehabilitate their body, it's not going to work. So they can die, but depending on the Vulcan it might not be so easy.
(Star Trek factoid of the day brought to you by the only Boarder with a fandom-specific username.)

...make good soup.


No, wait, scratch that one.

They just fade away.

But that just activates the next one.

...they just go to Hell to regroup.

Do not underestimate them. But, most of all, do not underestimate him.

-waves happily- Not sure if I joined before or after you left to deal with annoyingness, but if it was later, I be KittyNoodles. Hi!

Nah, you didn't miss anything special.

Okay, so maybe there was a candy-based spambot with atrocious grammar that popped up a few days ago... The Nameless Admin banhammered it back to where it came from pretty quickly, though.

Holiday things, as far as I can see, and everyone else poking their heads in and reminding the world that they exist! Welcome back!

Everyone has been returning lately. It's so exciting!

And so did I!

Oh ho ho ho ho!

Still noodling about, trying to find an acceptable permissions piece. I'm too dang picky for my own good.

Well, we had an attack of spambots, a few RPs that seem to have died, the Apocalypse was cancelled, and a couple missions came out.

Ah, real life. Why do we need it? Why can't we just traipse around on the Internet all day?

If you keep telling yourself you suck, how do you expect to improve?

Good that you brought this here, because there's plenty of people who'd be willing to offer help if you need it.

It's good to hear you've gone back to writing, but don't be so hard on yourself. Everybody starts rough, but it's only through positive assistance, reinforcement, and the humility to accept criticism and ask for help that makes a good writer, you know?

Cards Against Suedom: A game for Bleep’d out Agents.

Black Cards:

What did the DMSE&R find when they cut open the Mary Sue?
____ never comes out of the carpet in an RC.
The new horror inflicted upon fanfic academy students was _.
The reason Bleeprin works is _.
Makes-Things came back through _.
What do I need to take with me on a mission?
The Console is _.
The Sunflower Official is _.
It is never safe to ____ when there are _______ present. (pick 2)
What are Mary Sues typically charged with?
Thanks to the Hobbit movies, Anti-Lustin is no longer made from Dwarf hair, but rather __.
One does not simply walk into _.
For every name misspelled in _, a __ gets its ___. (pick 3)
Miss Cam is often feared because of her _.
You can’t spend any time in _____ without overdosing on _______. (pick 2)
Why won’t the console just shut up?
The newbie was recruited from _.
The Sue's remains had been _.
The Agent gave a _ to the newcomer.
Harry Potter became a ___ in the badfic, to the Agent's annoyance.
What did the Sue fall in love with?
When dealing with Bad Slash, it is best to bring along ___, _, and _. (pick 3)
+_=_. (pick 3)
What’ll get my Agents a straight trip to FicPsych?
The Multiverse Monitor is doing a feature article on ____.
What will surely blow up the RC?  

White Cards:

A Dalek.
Bad End.
Agent Lux.
Soufflés.
Rose Potter.
The Department of Sufficiently Advanced Technology.
The Department of Geographical Aberrations.
The Department of Intelligence.
The Department of Bad Slash.
The Department of Mary Sues.
Jaycacia Thornbyrd.
Enoby Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.
A plot hole.
A Mary Sue.
The Pit of Voles.
The Circle of Lemmings.
Makes-Things.
Insanity.
Magic!
Bleeprin.
Kidnapped canons.
Thranduil's battle moose.
Dancing prettily.
Popcorn garlands.
The number 22.
A Legendary Badfic.
A pink, sparkly tutu.
Knit an ugly sweater.
Toy with the Ironic Overpower.
Your mum's chest hair.
Inappropriate yodelling.
Writing Flowerslash.
Flamethrowers.
C*l*br**n.
legolas by laura.
My Immortal.
An Embryo Extraction Kit.
GLITTER LEVEL OVER 9000.
Stulock Holmes’s nether regions.
Tashlan.
Glomp OFU staff.
Toey.
Canon-rape.
A mini-Balrog.
A game of PPC Cluedo.
The All-HQ Extra-Vicious Pillow Fight.
A mini-Discord.
Aura of Smooth.
Smaug eating his feelings.
Fly a Sun Crusher.
Shiny objects.
Unicorn blood.
A statue of Sherlock Holmes in drag.
Dumbledore’s socks.
My Extra Ring of Shiny.
Urple.
SAURON!
MORGOOOOOOTH!
Nasty fat hobbitses, gollum, gollum!
Get lost in HQ.
Ask for a pay raise.
The Tomb of the Unknown PPC Agent.
Sleep?
Cutlery Enthusiast.
Calorpire.
Rocket-powered skateboard.
Orphanage.
Goth ballerina.
Noble Phantasm.
Oracle Turret.
Lúthien Mothereffing Tinúviel.
The dustiest corner of my RC.
Annoying PPC Agents.
Silence! I kill you!
BURN ALL THE THINGS!
Defenestrated in Prague.
Chucked into an Escher room.
Toasted over Urpley-Wilver flames.
Sue-per Saccharine Sue Tears.
CAFfiene.
An Awake.
Pink Stuff.
Maeluiwen.
The Sue’s chainmail bra.
Cement.
God Tier.
Twoo Wuv.
Fwendsheep.
A crate full of marshmallows.
The Keys to Canon.

Black Cards:

The newbie was recruited from _
The Sue's remains had been _
The Agent gave a ____ to the newcomer
Harry Potter became a ___ in the badfic, to the Agent's annoyance
The Sue fell in love with the _____

White Cards:
Cutlery Enthusiast
Calorpire (heat-eating vampire)
Rocket-powered skateboard
Orphanage
Goth ballerina
Noble Phantasm
Oracle Turret

Hmm...

Black cards:
____ never comes out of the carpet in an RC.
The new horror inflicted upon fanfic academy students was ____.

White Cards:
Rose Potter
The DoSAT
Department of Geographical Abberations
Jaycacia

I'll probably think of more later - I'm busy playing Minecraft now, woo!

Hmm...

Black cards:
____ never comes out of the carpet in an RC.
The new horror inflicted upon fanfic academy students was ____.

White Cards:
Rose Potter
The DoSAT
Department of Geographical Abberations
Jaycacia

I'll probably think of more later - I'm busy playing Minecraft now, woo!

Black Cards:
The reason Bleeprin works is _.
Makes-Things came back through _.
What do I need to take with me on a mission?

White Cards:
A plot hole.
A Mary Sue.
Makes-Things.
Insanity.
Magic!

Oh the humanity hilarity.

No sleep for me, so I'll bite.

Here's one:

Black card:
"A Mary Sue is typically charged with..."

White cards:

god-modding
character upstaging
sins against humanity
all of the above

Eh? Eh?

I love how there was that offhand reference to the giant pillow fight - I mean, it only coated HQ in feathers for about a week or so, no big deal. ;D

Bahaha, I love this one! Not as good as Episode 2 (I think), but it was still lots of fun to read!

My only note is that there was one spot where I would have made two lines into one paragraph:

Some called it a chore. Some called it a waste of their time.

For Agents MacFarlane, San Lorenzo and Chang, however, it was simply laundry day.

I feel like dividing it into two paragraphs makes the story feel a little... jumpy. I would have just typed, Some called it a chore. Some called it a waste of their time. For Agents MacFarlane, San Lorenzo and Chang, however, it was simply laundry day.

Other than that, though, I really enjoyed this! Yay for the DoI!

I rather enjoy these little slices of life from Intel. :D

If the Witness makes it to FicPsych, my two rookies are beyond screwed.

I imagine Kitty will be very happy to hear that she got referenced.

So, back when Lily sporked a Sherlock Sue that went for Mycroft Holmes, I went to see if there were more.
And I found some interesting stuff.
Another M-rated one. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8034669/1/For-King-and-Country
A Stu with Mycroft. That's right, a slash pairing with an OC.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7272850/1/Oliver
And this one, I believe this line says all that's wrong with it. Oh, the Holmes's charm. No woman could ever resist it. Except maybe Adele. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8095809/1/I-Won-t-Give-Up

And a Hunger Games fic that may be a Suefic or just an implausible AU. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8104293/1/Arranged

Many of us have probably seen the T.V. show The Big Bang Theory. Well, apparently, there's quite a bit of Suefic in it. And the Sues go after Sheldon. Yes, Sheldon Cooper. Here are two examples, but there's much more:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7711064/1/LoveHate-Relationship -Nikki is energetic, hyper, loving, and loud. Sheldon is...Sheldon. Two people so different couldn't possibly get along...but could they? R&R please! Sheldon/OC (Sue outsmarts Sheldon about fandom related stuff. Need I say more?)

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7496698/1/The-Cousin-Configuration -Howard's cousin, Ellie, returns to Pasadena when she accepts a job at Caltech.The gang is impressed by her obvious intelligence and the way she can put Sheldon in his place.However,Sheldon can't place this weird feeling he has when he's around her.SC/OC (Howard's cousin is attractive? And Sheldon ditches Amy for her? I don't think so...)

And, of course, if you want to read any more, type "The Big Bang Theory" into the search bar on the Circle of Lemmings. Make sure you bring lemming repellent and Bleeprin.

There are Parasol Protectorate 'sues? WHAT. Just.... WHAT.

Nothing we didn't see coming...the new movie came out five days ago and it had so many pretty boys...
A few free for claim:
Les Miserables-from the present to the past
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8765179/1/Les-Miserables-from-the-present-to-the-past
NOTE: THIS IS MY FIRST LES MIS FANFIC! no flames please! basically, a young orphan girl gets transported from 21st century America to France during the Revolution! and what's more is, everyone thinks she's a boy! now she must preserve her identity and help the Les Miserables characters fight their battle. no deaths, because i love the ABC to much!
(This one's still on its first chapter, but it has significant potential.)

One Day More
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8842567/1/One-Day-More
Colette has always enjoyed watching the rebellious students' schemes, but soon she finds herself in love with a revolutionary named Enjolras. When their barricade rises at last, what shall unfold? (I know, I'm not the best at summaries, but please read! I am sure you will not regret it, hopefully!)

And I'm claiming this (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8836693/1/Please-be-Mine) lovely Javert's-daughter fic for my own agents to eviscerate. Gives me an excuse to set Maria and Michel against each other again.

I don't know jack about Kamen Rider, outside of hearing that it's kinda like Power Rangers, so that I'll have to let slide.

However, despite my limited comic book superhero knowledge, I feel safe in my assumption that the Avengers one features a perfectionist jack-of-all-trades sue. I don't remember the exact term, but it's spunding that way.

The familial ties with Hawkeye (who I'm still struggling not to call Green Arrow, for whatever reason), and the buddy-buddy relationship with ever-the-stoic Captain America doesn't help to dissuade my fears any.

You can find the stories featuring her here http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1081287/Blinded-Kit

Pretty much every single one marked as a Harry Potter crossover features a insulting Sue-version of Hermione, who gets it on with characters from at least a dozen continua. Chances are, if you like a canon featuring a hot male, you can find it being sullied somewhere on this list.
I've done missions dragging her out of Doctor Who and Torchwood and I'll be claiming the Supernatural fics as well, but she is sprouting new heads faster than I can cut them off, which should also give you an idea about their quality.
The only thing I'm asking, is that noone brings in the Division of Multiple Offences and finishes her off permanently, across all the fics, because that would ruin the fun.

Lily Winterwood, you might want to take a look at her Sherlock fic. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7052272/1/Near-to-You

I have gone through great pains to never see my old work pop up again, and I'd likely die if any of my fellow PPCers were to look at my old stories.
I kid you not, I would keel over and twitch on the ground.
Therefore, I pledge my loyalty and respect to you on my honor as a Hufflepuff.
You have acquired Badger Protection (tm)

H-here's the story I was talking about...

http://kit-the-wolfy.deviantart.com/gallery/41378683


The folder is in the process of updating, sorry....

I believe Riese and co. are working on sporking my first bad crossover. It'll be loads of fun!

What kind of badfic is it? Also, are you new here or have I just missed your introductory post?

Case in point: our own Ellipsis Flood. (I think.)

Riese couldn't have answered it any better; just toss us the link and we'll be happy to put the baddie to rest for you! :D

It's been done before. You can even help spork it, if you wish.

Welcome, consider yourself at home now,
because you are already a member just by posting this.

My gift to you is a batch of fresh baked cookies!:D

I kid of course. You are at least a breadi-knife.
Okay, sorry, I have no memory of going to sleep last night, and I am hungry.
In news actually relevant to the topic, I'd like to welcome you a-board. I have a bright shiny Awkae for you, too. D'aww, look at it. Isn't it pretty?
Remember to provide it with espresso and love, or else it'll reproduce like nobodies business. There is nothing more adorable than a caffeinated asexual ball of an adjective.
I hope to see you around!

Hi, have some fudge!

As a welcome gift have a mysterious large egg, it probably won't hatch anything too dangerous ...

I have for you a spare sonic screwdriver, 15 feet of parachute cord, and an admiral's hat. Welcome to the PPC!

Here's some bubble wrap. Have fun with it. : )

Have a fluffy hat in the color/pattern of your choice.

Greetings, new friend! Have some Matrix-style training programs!

Welcome a-Board newbie! Let me throw some links your way.

The first is our Consitution, which outlines all the rules of out little online society in order to ensure that it remains as (in)sane as we like it.

The second is our wiki which contains a somewhat-infinite amount of knowledge. If you ever have a question, the answer is probably here.

Thirdly, The Original Series is how this whole community started, so it's definitely a recommended read.

And lastly, the IRC is a place for casual conversation and goofing off, if you like that sort of thing.

For your newbie gift, I present this time travelling orange. If you keep it for approximately two days (depending on your timezone) it will be in another year. Have fun!

You already are! Well, if you decide to hang out. You don't have to write PPC missions to be in the PPC - just be part of the community! Which, by posting here, you have already done!

So - welcome!

(To actually write PPC missions, you need permission - but that all comes later. For now, come in, sit down, have a probably-not-poisonous cookie!)

Welcome! Have a cookie. It probably isn't toxic. My cooking can be that way.

Have a bag of pebbles and a Random Shiny Object.

Welcome to the Board!

Well, I have never seen a pile of living pasta before. Do you know the Flying Spaghetti Monster by any chance?

(Realy? You desided to introduce yourself to him like that? *sigh* I'm sorry, for my author's insanity. I am his in progress OC currently named Jumper, though I intend to change that after fixing my Gary Stu qualities. Please forgive us, we tend to be a little... well frankly quite insane. Then again, that is what makes us fun to interact with. As it is, me and Worldie are also new, though I think we are nearing our one-month anniversary, so feel free to gaze in utter shock at the others shenanigans with us.)
Worldie?
(You call me Jumper.)
Fair enough.

Any whom. So, you are also a brony! Yay! Now I know what to give you. I have one set of magical figurines of the mane six, each imbeded with an aspect of their respective personalitys. I will give you one, depending on who you think best pony is.

Welcome to our little comunity. For my information, how did you find us? Just curious.

Have some lemming repellent and welcome!

Jooooin usss--

I feel like I've done that one already.

Anyway, here's your newbie gift from me: Lots of Bleeprin! -throws Bleeprin at you-

Also, what are your fandoms?

Have a lion saddle (lion not included.) And welcome again! What are your fandoms (I presume Yu-Gi-Oh, because you said you wrote a badfic in it, but any others?)

Also, is it weird that your post there reminds me of how anime characters in school introduce themselves?

Boarders make up the PPC's majority, I think.

Merry Very Late Christmas! Have an Uncomfortable Massage chair. With luck, if and when you get Permission, it'll keep you too agonized for the Ironic Overpower to mess wi-

Waitsh*t.

...but Im'ma say it again just for the heck of it.

I LOVE THIS MISSION SO MUCH. Especially the lose root. And the genre-savvy Gerudo. And Shiek~

..the less cannon I realise I know. Oh well, I am not making fic at the moment, so I won't be ruining continuita. Still, I enjoied the mission. The fic did make me wonder though, what if there were two people worthy of the same peice of the triforce? Could it be split further? Who knows. Still, it seemed like the author was basing the 'birthmark' after Twilight Princess rather than orcania of time. I dont know, perhaps not, perhaps the author just can't keep their cannon in check.

Again, good mission, I enjoyed it, but there was one thing I missed: why was Shiek offered life in the ppc, rather than being killed outright? I know he did not do much to break cannon, but I usualy like to see how oc's manage to worm their way out of death. If it does not matter, then fine. Just like to know.

Also: Dis pear... so delicious.

As for the hunting the miniboss thing: I do, but only because I'm a loot-farming grinding fiend.

Ah... I'm okay with Warriors. I'm not a fan, though, but I have a classmate who is... I could ask her, if that helps you out?

My eyes burn.
That thing... It was... *pukes*

My eyes did not deserve that...

Im'ma hijack the thread for a bit so I can plug my own MST! :D

'Of Moonwells and Magic'

WARNING: The fic contains boy/boy romance, and the MSTers make crude jokes concerning how rapidly the romance develops. One MSTer also reveals an incredibly unkind opinion about suicide, which I do not share.

There, y'all have been warned. :D

Can I get a link to the original text too? I think some of my friends might get a kick out of it.

Welcome to the bizarre world of the PPC!
Don't be shy, we don't bite (The minis might though)
Ooh, a fellow LOTR fan! Did you see ''The Hobbit''?

Anyways, have lightsaver, may you kill many Sues with it.
:D

Classic Doctor Who huh? Interesting. Don't see many old Who fans, at least I don't see them. I am more of a New Who fan, the tenth being my favorite, but I respect the oldies.

(Oh, look at the newbie, all scared and intimidated. Come on, we dont bite.)
Often. Oh, I'm sorry, that is my OC, Jumper.
(Pleased to meet you!)
We are amoung the sillyer ones here, due to my insistant bantering with Jumper.
(In my opinion, it makes you look egotistical.)
WHAT?
(Well, you insist on this banter on every newbie intro post, making it about you rather than the new PPC member. Listen, I'm sorry my author is not as…considerate as he should. Here, let me handle the gift this time.)
Fine.
(Due to the fandoms you have listed, you seem to be a fan of science fiction. Therefore, here is the most important science fiction tool ever made: The Universal Translator. Put this somewhere near your ear, and you can not only hear, but speak any* language.)
*does not translate code or encripted messages, even pig latin. Being from the PPC, it may be in your best imtrest to not overload it, or else it may explode.
(Your head with it.)

Welcome to the PPC. Hope to see more from you soon.

Domino? Any relation to the Marvel Comics mutant?

Anyways, have a replica of Carnwennan! It's a dagger from Arthurian lore that shrouds its wielded in shadows!

Greetings, new friend! Have a chihuahua-snake wearing a yarmulke-turban! (My brother couldn't decide.)

Welcome to the Board! Have some of my world-famous hydrophobic water to commemorate the event. Currently outselling Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters in certain other parallel universes.

It's always nice to have a Classic Who fan around. Have a fully-functioning K-9 Mk IV as an additional gift!

Don't be shy! Most of us here don't bite. Although I wouldn't count Des's tea leaves as one of us...

Anyway! Have some fireworks to celebrate the new year. It has yet to arrive where I am, but it's only a matter of time. Five hours and twenty-one minutes to be exact. How much longer do you have?

I second my sister (hermione of vulcan)'s question about your favorite Star Trek series. And I use to be a lurker, too, along with many others here. Here, have some Star Trek Christmas cookies. In shapes like the Enterprise and Starfleet insignias, you know. Happy New Year!

Unless you prefer Trekker, in which case welcome, fellow Trekker! Which series are you familiar with? Which is your favorite? I'm a TNG fan.
Have a tribble as a welcome present (don't worry, it's been spayed/neutered). :)

Here, have a bag of jelly babies! Usually I give out Awakes, but you did say Classic Who...

Have a Bag of Ominous Laughter!

Be... careful about opening it. It might be evil.

Don't hide behind the generic tree! We don't bite! We just give you strange gifts that occasionally backfire a bit.

Here, have this flask of Bleepuvor and some Bleepnerds. Overdosing on the Bleepuvor may cause you to hallucinate that Elrond is advising you to read the label next time, and the Bleepnerds come in urple, glose, and occasionally bleen.

Enjoy!

Since you've been pointed to the links by Cassie, I'll just point you toward the IRC channel (there's a link near the Constitution and the Wiki's), where people hang around, and give you a cup of tea. Just don't let the leaves eat you.

Hope you enjoy your stay!

Hi, have some fudge!

Another classic Who fan! Do you have a favorite Doctor?

I am approving of your LOTR-fandomness, as I'm one of the flag-waving fans on the Board. :D

Have a bag of pebbles and a Random Shiny Object, and do take a look around our regular links - The Original Series by Jay and Acacia (not to be confused with the Star Trek original series, can be found on our Wiki), and the PPC Constitution (more or less mandatory), which can be found via the link at the top of the Board.

Welcome to the Board! Don't be nervous, most of us don't bite...

We're not too scary I promise.
Have a small toy panda, don't worry this one isn't sentient.