Dec 2012 Archive, part b

Unfortunately most of "The Evil of the Daleks" (Second Doctor) was lost when the BBC did an archive purge. But the novelization and Tardis Wiki entry both speak of a conversion arch rigged by the Doctor to implant the Human Factor in Daleks. Maybe a bit-Dalek got shoved through a conversion arch by accident during a mission? Or one of the humanized Daleks from that episode "got lost" when the episode tapes were junked and wound up in HQ?

(Link: http://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/Evil_of_the_Daleks)

Exterminate! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKhtP62RE1E

Both of them have been given the Human Factor and... That's it, I guess.

So, you can make one with no worries.

Loved that episode.

Don't worry: I also find that Daleks have some sort of odd charm. There's something inherently funny about the way they scream "EXTERMINATE" in a semi-hysterical fashion. Or is it just me? Anyone?

The PPC can administer the Human Factor to a Dalek in order to create a Humanized Dalek which takes away the instinct to hate and destroy and replaces it with a more... well, human personality.

Agent Omicron is a humanized Dalek. There are no missions featuring him (I think), but he is a precedent. I, for one, would absolutely love seeing a Humanized Dalek scoot around PPC HQ and the reactions of Whovian agents...

To the tune of "Christmastime Is Killing Us," from the Family Guy episode "Road to the North Pole". NSFW due to some language and references to the two (arguably) most infamous Legendary Badfics.

[Random Agent]
Each clicking key used to fill us with glee
And the words that they made were all thrilling us;
Now all we feel is a loss of our zeal
Because bad fanfics are killing us!

Each new badfic makes us ever more sick --
All these Suethors and fanbrats are drilling us!
Celebrian's name may never sound the same
Because bad fanfics are killing us!

[Spirit of Optimism]
But don't lose hope! There's still goodfic in the thick of it!
True fans still exist who write better than all right!

[Random Agent]
I can't tell - there's too much swill, and it makes me ill!
How can I stay upbeat with shaved Hobbit feet?!

Each new update used to make us feel great,
'Til we'd glow with the happiness filling us;
Now ev'ry ping is a reason to scream
Because bad fanfics are killing us!

Each misspelled word just makes things more absurd,
'Til our Bleeprin is all that is filling us.
Eyes start to bleed with each line that we read
Because bad fanfics are killing us!

[Spirit of Optimism]
But not ev'ry fan's a cuckoo who gives Kael'thas boobs!
Some write very well - trust me! I know what I've seen!

[Random Agent]
My soul dies with each new Sue, ev'ry canon-screw;
My sanity breaks more with each vampire whore!

Each laugh like bells makes us all feel unwell,
And though they think they're swell, they put canons through hell!
Take a look; you can tell all our IQs just fell!

Because bad fanfics are killing us!
Killing us!
These badfics are killing us!

...I am a terrible, terrible person...

To the tune of "Happy XMas (War is Over) by . . . John Lennon? I never knew that . . .

"So this is Gotham
and what have you done?
The Batman I once knew
never used a gun.
And so this is Gotham.
Joker's kissing Robin
instead of his usual
evil spree of robbin'.

(chorus)
A very sad canon
unfamiliar to us.
Perhaps it was unwise
to leave it in your trust.

So this is Hogwarts
and what have you done?
Like Aragog's webbing,
a change you have spun
And so this is Hogwarts.
Ron has gone to the dark
the others now struggle
without friendship's spark.

chorus

So this is Kanto
and what have you done?
If you really need Legends,
limit it to one.
And so this is Kanto
and my eyes just bled.
Your Pokémon and you
should not be in bed.

chorus

Story's over;
I don't want it.
Story's over now."

And also, a bonus stanza, because I couldn't resist:

"So this is Sparta
and what have you done?
With all of the slash here,
the fight never begun.
And so this is Sparta.
Just see the effects
of history altered,
and all thanks to sex."

These are quite fun to write! Anyone have any stanzas of their own? We can make a mix-and-match song!

To the tune of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus":

I Saw Sherlock Kissing Mary Sue

I saw Sherlock kissing Mary Sue
Underneath Aura of Smooth last night
She didn’t see me weep
Or rage and gnash my teeth
She thought that she was living out a dirty fantasy

Then I stepped forth and charged the Mary Sue
Pushing her off rooftops to the ground!
The canon snapped back into shape
And my partner and I escaped
With our splatted Mary Sue pancake!

I had to. It wouldn't leave me alone.

To the tune of "The Atheist Christmas Carol" by Vienna Teng

The DOI Remembrance Song

This department we step boldly into fanfics
We’re scouting out for the plotholes and pitfalls
This department is thankless and largely ignored
But without them the Action Agents would stumble
Into unknowns
We write up all reports
And pray for more Bleeprin

This department we sort out the goodfics from bad
With no respites from the brain-breaking workload
This department we travel at length through the world incognito
With only Bleeprin in tow

Don’t forget
Don’t forget us Spies
Who sort
Your missions

This department is scarred, bearing wounds in our hearts
And feeling the full weight of our burdens
This department goes on in the wings of a stage
Underneath Rosa, we will carry on
Through Pit and Circle

Don’t forget
Don’t forget us Spies
Who sort
Your missions

I spent a lot of time working on these. Hope it shows.

Hark! The blasted console's BEEPING!

Hark! The blasted console's BEEPing

Our next mission's calling!

We just got back from our last

Wake up now, move fast fast fast!

Grab your CAD and portal in

Witness the Sue's deadly sin

Kill her with a vengeance deep

Then go back to get some sleep

But Hark! The blasted console BEEP!

And into the fic the agents leap.

One Small Agent (based off of "One Toy Soldier" by Enya)

One small agent stands alone

With his CAD down by his side

One small agent on his own

With his CAD to check canon


He protects the canon, killing Sues

He keeps the canon true

He's one agent against badfic

Which makes his heart so blue


"Who can mend my broken CAD?

Will it be as good as new?

I must go on a mission

If I can't what shall I do?"


He protects the canon, killing Sues

He takes the canon's side

When the console BEEPs, inside he creeps

From the canons he must hide


For he protects the canon, killing Sues

He keeps the canon true

It might not pay, but still he'll say

Happy Sporking Times to you!


He protects the canon, killing Sues

He keeps the canon true

Makes-Things had repaired his CAD

And he goes on his mission


So he protects the canon, killing Sues

He keeps the canon true

When a mission's bad, he uses his CAD

Happy Sporking Times to you!

Happy Sporking Times to you!

Happy Sporking Times to you!

Happy Sporking Times to you!

To the tune of What's This? from "The Nightmare Before Christmas".


What's this? What's this?
Odd colors everywhere
What's this?
There's glitter in the air
What's this?
I can't believe my eyes
I hope I'm dreaming
Wake up, Jack, this isn't fair
What's this?

What's this? What's this?
There's something very wrong
What's this?
The Elves are wearing thongs
What's this?
The streets are lined with
Little creatures laughing
Everybody seems so sappy
I have probably gone daffy
What is this?
What's this?

The dwarves are drinking redbull here
instead of drinking ale
They're busy writing pop songs
Completely filled with fail
Blank stares on every face here
Oh, I can't believe my eyes
And in my throat I feel my lunch
This crap has forced to rise

Oh, look
What's this?
They're dancing a tango
They kiss?
This all looks so cliched
A pyre!
While they're gathered around to hear a story
I should set it all on fire
What's this?
What's this?

In here they've got a little stage,
How queer
And who would ever think
And why?

They're filling it with tiny puppets
They all look like drunken muppets
And they are giving a recap
So, now, can't I just portal back?
This looks like crap
This looks like crap
Oh, could it be that I'm in hell?
What's this?

Oh my, what now?
The Fellowship's asleep
But look, somebody's trying to creep
Oh Glod
To sneak into the bed of Strider
To confide her
Everlasting love and
Hear him say it in return
What's this?

The Hobbits are all missing
And the Wizard can't be found
And in their place there seems to be
Bad copies all around
Above my screams, I swear
I can hear music in the air
The smell of saccharine plots
Is absolutely everywhere

The sights, the sounds
They're everywhere and all around
I've never felt so bad before
This angry place inside of me is swelling up
I have just simply had enough

I want out, oh, I want out
Oh, I want out as I moan
Don't wanna to know
Don't wanna to know
What is this place that I have found?
What is this?
AU Town, hmm...

[[That is one hell of a tricky song to work with. Much respect to Danny Elfman for that one.]]

Based on "Carol Of The Bells", and featuring the voice talents - and lack thereof - of Agent!Caroline and Fiona!

[Caroline]
Hark! Hear the shrieks -
Indignant squeaks -
Filling the halls,
Deaf'ning us all!

[Fiona]
Gilbert's a mouse!
Who is the louse
Who turned him cute,
But didn't mute--

[Caroline]
His grating whine?
O! mini mine!
Flutteryshy
Flies gaily by,
Cackling with glee,
Then - mercy me! -
Spots Veralyn
And makes her spin!

[Fiona]
'Round, 'round she goes
On tippy-toes!
On down the hall -
Into a wall!

O! how they fume!
Pacing the room,
They plan a stew - or
Mini fondue!

Gilly, Gilly, Gilly's blown a gasket!

[Caroline]
Veralyn just grabbed a basket!

[Fiona]
Now they give chase,
Red in the face!

[Caroline]
Don't intervene -
They'll eat your spleen!

[Both]
Oi...

And I'll post an audio version as soon as I can stop stumbling over my own lyrics!

I've been really looking forward to this!

My song is based on John Rutters Candlelight Carol, a very beautiful song, which have done nothing to deserve to be mangled by me. None the less, I thought it would make a nice song about loving the canon and wanting to protect it from badfics. And since The Hobbit has just come out, I used that to put a spin on. But less babbling, more singing:


How do you capture the vision of Tolkien?

How do you count all the treasures of Smaug?

How can you measure our love of the canon?

And how do you write all the Dwarrows so proud?



Candlelight, Elven-light

Dragonfire and star glow

Shining on Arda till breaking of dawn

Badfic, oh! Badfic, woe! In excess is coming!

Agents are singing

The movies are here.



Fangirls and fanbrats will watch and adore them

Agents around them their vigil will keep

Hunting down bad slash, bad grammar and plotholes

Then read the goodfics, till they fall asleep.



Find them at Rivendell, taking their photos

Keeping the onslaught of songfics at bay

Petting the gaint-a** spiders of Mirkwood

Childish and deadly on this winter’s day

With (what will be) different voices!

[The Marquis de Sod]:
Joy to the world!
The week's rolled round
And payday's here again
Let's give the Agents
A little money
Then maybe they won't quit
Oh, please don't let them quit
I don't want to go into the Worlds again.

[Sambar, Dept. of Finance]:
Joy to the world.
The week's rolled round.
And payday's here again.
Now all my books
Need going over
And where is my red pen?
Oh, who took my red pen?
I've lost my pen, my one red pen!

[Tango, Department of Mary-Sues]:
Joy to the world!
The week's rolled round
And payday's here again!
It may be peanuts but
It's all I've got
So let's go down the pub
Please, let's go down the pub
I need a drink, let's go down the pub

[Mortic, Department of WhatThe]:
Joy to the [BEEEEP]
Oh, shut up, you
I just wanted a rest!
I don't care what you-
Wait, is that Legolas?
And Sherlock and the Borg?
Oh, come on then, let's go
Just one more mission and THEN a break.

[CAL-9000, Department of Dead Author Electricity Generation]:
Joy to the world
The week's rolled round
And payday's here again.
Now what am I
Supposed to do
With money, I ask you
I mean, I am a robot
In fact, why am I even bothering to sing this song and make it scan?

[The Agents]:
Joy to the world!
The week's rolled round
And payday's here again!
It isn't much but
Hey, it's a job
[Tango]: So let's go down the pub
[Mortic]: I'm a bit busy right now
[Agents]: Oh, life goes on in the PPC!

(Finance, WhatThe and DoDAEG for you)

hS

Because my favorite Christmas music (Trans-Siberian Orchestra) doesn't have lyrics, persay.

Dashing through the flow,
of fiction so sublime,
through the wires we go,
for 'tis good fanfic time!
Swift we follow links,
laughter ringing clear,
From our separate voices we
Thank words that we hold dear.

No badfics here! Badfics There!
Give agents a break.
Revel in your fandoms now
don't chuck them in the lake!
If you read you'll see
the word worlds triumph somehow!

And that was both excessively silly and all I wrote for tonight. Also, knowing my singing, very high-pitched and out of tune.

Aaaaaand here's the audio version:

KittyNoodles sings "O Three Cheers for the DoI!"

A quick note: this was written before I realized there was another filk of the same name and before Nesh requested not to write about Sues. Sorry for not being as original as I though I was.

Sung to the tune of "Santa Clause is Coming to Town".

You better watch out
You Sues and you Stus
If you know who is coming for you.
The PPC is coming to town.

They're making a list
Of charges for you.
And if it's too big then you'll be shot through.
The PPC is coming to town.

They know if you've been bending
The canon 'till it breaks.
For messing with the characters,
They'll turn you into steaks.

O... With swords and arrows
With poison and guns,
They'll right what was wrong and clean up your fun.
The PPC is coming to town.

Stay tuned, because that probably wasn't the last of me. I have to find something more original to sing about.

(To the English tune of 'O Little Town of Bethlehem', by way of 'I Saw A Mighty Angel Fly' - but it should work to the American tune, too)

I saw a pair of agents fly
Through HQ's dreary halls
"What cause have you, so loud," asked I
"To stir these battered walls?"

"A race!" they called, and off they flew
I saw them never more
But heard their tale around HQ
From those who watched them soar.

~

Two dragons raced, with wings unveiled
To test their speed and skill
One from Improbabilities hailed
But lost - said she was ill

The other served Intelligence's Rose
And claimed the victory crown
She wears it now where'er she goes
And never puts it down!

(With reference and apologies to Agents Verra Rose and Voltarmi. It seemed like they had to do something together...)

(Vocal version may come later, if I can find a suitable instrumental to go with it)

hS

Have a bunch of spare Christmas Holiday Lights! No matter what you celebrate, you can use them to light your RC! Oh, and have an acorn and a slice of fruitcake too. :)

[Muffled Gangnam Style plays in the distance]
I apologise; I was attempting to 'jazz up' my introductions.
Oops.
Anyway, it's nice to meet you! Here is a complimentary Awake, free of charge. Feed it espresso, and it shall love you forever.

As a Newbie gift have a Nimbus 2001.

Hi there!

Have some nuts! And some candy canes! And some random bits of string files that I found on my computer! And an ostritch feather.

Welcome, have a fuzzy hat in the color of your choice!

Hi! Have some fudge!

Welcome aboard, and have this red velvet robe as a joining gift! It's very good for fantasy settings, just please avoid wearing it in the Trekverse (red and the Trekverse don't mix well).

Welcome to the Board! Have some of my world-famous hydrophobic water. Apply directly to the forehead!

So, what are your fandoms? We've got a bit of everything here, so don't be shy!

Have some lemming repellent!

Greetings, new friend!

Have yourself a firefly! Just be careful. It's a badfic firefly, so the fire part is . . . rather literal.

Welcome a-Board, newbie! Please feel free to deposit your sanity in the marked bin, as you won't be needing it much here.

In addition to the links EileenAlphabet pointed out, I'd also like to give you one to the IRC which is a place to go if you just want to chat aimlessly. By giving this link to you I am being somewhat ironic, as I've only wandered my way there, like, twice. Silly me.

In other news, what are some of your fandoms? I like to give people fandom-related gifts, but I can't do that if I don't know any of them (for the record, I have no idea what KoM-E is, so if it's a fandom thing, sorry for my ignorance).

Also, when did KittyNoodles become the celebrity? All the newbies seem to know her.

Terribly sorry, that's far too many capital letters...

Anyway, GIVALA! Hi! -giant huggle- I was beginning to worry you'd decided not to join! :D

As is customary, you will soon be flooded with newbie gifts. For mine, I present you a box of Bleepnerds. They come in urple and glose! :D

As for joining, you already have! Simply by making an introductory thread on the Board, you have made yourself a Boarder.

To find out more, there is our wiki: http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/PPC_Wiki

If you are planning to make agents, you should check out this page: http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Permission

There are also the Original Series, if you haven't read them already: http://plotprotectors.tripod.com/TOS/

And then make yourself at home, have fun, be silly and serious when the occasion calls for it.

It's nice to meet you, and thank you for the sunflower seeds! In return, I present you with your very own Awake!
Please enjoy this self aware-adjective and give it a few servings of espresso and love* each day.
*Can be substituted with small doses of CAFfeine(TM)

Here, lurker: have some cool shades, a bead, and a handful of Guatemalan currency. You can have a small wad of rubber bands too.

'Ello, 'ave a squig an' some fungus beer. Oi'd give you some flash gubbins, but OI need's dem for a projekt so 'ands off or else Oi'll stomp ya... sorry about the orky talk, I've been spending too much time working on my 40k stuff the glue fumes and bad cold are going to my 'ed. Oh Zoggit, dere Oi go again.

I'm new here too, but still I present you my gift:
A brand new shotgun.
May you kill many Sues with it :D

Oh you mean ''tostadas'' right?
To be honest, I'll never known the proper English term for that either :/

Thanks for the seeds though ;)

PD:Oh, by the way, where are you from? I'm from Venezuela :D
I'm curious, maybe you're from there too?(Or Latino America, same thing :B)
It's just that, since English is not your native tongue...

Hi, have some fudge!

And cooking terms can get confusing. Normally "fried" is with some sort of fat in a pan on the stovetop, and "baked" is in the oven with no fat, but all those restaurants and family recipes for "oven-fried chicken" disagree.

Don't let the SO catch you with those. As a Newbie gift have a bunch of Generic Cupcakes.

Have a set of universally pretty armour to celebrate; it might also be handy for hunting 'Sues.

Welcome to the Board! Have some of my hydrophobic water to commemorate the event. Doesn't comply to VSEPR theory!


/chemistry

Have some lemming repellent. You may need it.

Congratulations on breaking the lurker-silence.

Greetings, new friend!

Have a Worry Seed! Keep it under your pillow, and you'll never be able to sleep! Think of the FREE TIME!

I think everyone lurked for a while before joining. Good to see you! Have a fluffy hat in the color of your choice.

Good to see you, second newbie of the day. You have just helped to demonstrate what I like to call the "Newbie Pack Phenomenon". For some reason, newbies tend to come in twos and threes, even if they've never met or heard of the other newbie before. It's a rather curious trend, but it's been around for a while.

But, that doesn't mean I'm going to give you any less of a welcome! Although, you might want to hide those sunflower seeds; the Sunflower Official probably wouldn't take to kindly to them.

For your newbie gift, I present to you this bottle of Bleepnog, in order for you to help us celebrate the holiday season and our filk-fest down below. It's probably made of eggnog and Bleeprin, but I'm not quite sure, seeing as I just invented it. Have fun!

I'm KittyNoodles! Have some holiday Bleepnerds (in bleen, wilver, and high pink!)

Did you lurk for 5-6 years before peeking in? Less? Then I'll be keeping my trophy. :D

Velcome, velcome! Don't mind the strange brown stains on the carpet; you see how they sparkle? That's Sue blood. Have a heavy-duty-size bottle of Bleeprin, you'll need it.

I used to lurk myself. Many of us started out as lurker. But we are glad that we made the leap to full Boarders and welcome you into the ranks as well.

How about some biscuits to go with the tea?

Welcome to the PPC! You can leave your sanity at the door, as you won't be needing it here. You should also read the Constitution (link on top of the Board). The Original Series and the Wiki are recommended reads too, and you're more than welcome to drop by in the IRC channel (link on top of the Board, too) and say hi.
Last but not least, a gift, that is a cup of tea. Just don't let the leaves eat you.

Picking apart the films is fine, but parodying it...
I've never laughed harder at 'Thorin Dreamboatshield' in my life.

Jut been to see the film myself, and I have to say, I loved it. Massive changes from the book, which I expected, but I find myself rather pleased with the way they expanded on it, for the most part.

The alterations I didn't like, mostly specific points:

-Thror's unexplained gold greed. I mean, my mind filled in the blank (Ring of Power) but my mum and sister, who have never looked at a Tolkien book in their lives, had no idea where it came from.

-Thranduil on a moose/elk/whatever? (My sister thought it was a reindeer.) For that matter, Thranduil coming all the way from Mirkwood just to watch the dwarves escape and then ride off again as soon as they shouted for help. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have risked being spotted by Smaug just to go look. It also made for a rather annoying excuse for angst and needless hostility towards Elves on Thorin's part, and possibly an excuse to cram in the "typical" Elf/Dwarf dislikes.

-The dwarves' manners. They were described in the book as calling for plenty of food, but the sense I always got was that they are supposed to be nobility of a sort, and they had manners enough to know how to eat without half the meal dribbling out of their mouths. I blame the portrayal of movie!Gimli for that - belching and spilling his ale. Very disappointed.

-Azog becoming the main antagonist. He is supposed to be DEAD.

-The Great Goblin was possibly the least pleasant image I could have imagined. Someone clearly decided to play around with alternate meanings of "great".

-No mention was given to how Bilbo worked out that the Ring was making him invisible.


But for the most part I find I very much enjoyed the way it was adapted. I was thrilled to see the backstory explaining why the quest was even taking place, especially Thorin earning his name of Oakenshield, and I liked the way the history led into the main story, particularly the exchange between older!Bilbo and Frodo that had so many callbacks to the opening of FotR.

The dwarves, for the most part, were far more rugged and shorter-bearded than I imagined when I read the book all those years ago - two-thirds of my lifetime ago, ye gods I feel old. XD However, I think I like these versions better, all except Bombur. I'm kinda disappointed that they made him look like such a joke compared to the others. I also like the way they don't have just a band of axe-wielders. They have excellent archers and slingers, hammer-wielders, and fine swordsmen. I've grown extremely fond of Fili and Kili - they definitely play their role as the youngest and liveliest of the group, even if their relationship to Thorin hasn't yet been made clear in the film. I rather hope it will be, it was one of the things I liked about those two - he's not just their leader and rightful king, he's their uncle.

Radagast... well, I was kind of thrown at first by the way he was portrayed, and I know there's been a big debate between others about him further down the thread, but I rather sort of came to like his portrayal. He's rather dotty, forgetful, and quite frankly a mess that people can and will poke fun at, but he has a wonderful kind of power when it comes to what he knows and loves. He's also extremely courageous. First, he walked into Dol Guldur - a known refuge of dark powers - and fought hand to hand with what is implied to be the Witch-King of Angmar or one of his servants, and RADAGAST was the one who won. Secondly, he came to warn Gandalf and then deliberately drew the pack of Warg-riding orcs off the dwarves, putting himself in danger to help his friend and cousin.

Rivendell was just as gorgeous as I remembered it, and I loved seeing more bits of it. I also have to opine that Elrond looks rather good on a horse. :P In fact, I like Elrond much more in this film than when he was being the overprotective dad in LotR. His role as Exposition Man in this film was well written, I think, with the moon-runes and his identification of the swords.

On that note, the meeting of the White Council was enjoyable; I was having to muffle the urge to cackle watching Saruman's attempts to downplay the seriousness of everything. Galadriel was nicely mystical as usual - standing in the background but prodding Gandalf on so he wouldn't just back down in front of Saruman. I look forwards to seeing how things pan out in the next films.

(Heading off on a random tangent here - it was rather nice to see how Elrond deferred a bit to everyone else, being as he is the most junior of the Council by several thousand years. Gandalf placed the Morgul-blade on the table, Elrond went to pick it up without even knowing what it was ("ooh, shiny"), and barely got warned off in time - I spotted him snatching his hand back. Random little moment, but it made me chuckle.)

With regards to the thunderstorm - I heard "Storm Giants", not "Stone Giants", whoever it was that heard it the other way.

The cave scene was quite touching - Bilbo had enough doubts to consider really going home without Thorin getting cranky about it, but his own acceptance of the fact that he's not cut out for adventure makes his eventual decision to stick with it all the better.

The dwarves' escape from the goblin halls fed my love of extended, inventive hand-to-hand combat scenes perfectly. Not much to say other than that I was inwardly cheering them on the whole way. :D

The Riddles In The Dark scene. OH MY VALAR. It was everything I could have hoped for with the exception of one or two omitted riddles. I very nearly squeed on seeing Gollum just as I remembered him from LotR, and the use of his split personality was brilliant. The final, dawning realisation of "...what has it got in its nasty little pocketses?" sent chills down my spine.

Bilbo's own escape from the tunnels was amazing. His struggle with his decision over whether or not to try to kill Gollum had me wibbling just a teensy bit, especially the moment where he chose not to and just leapt for freedom. His return to the group was less triumphant than I'd hoped, but his answer to Thorin's "Why did you come back?" made me melt. Because the dwarves haven't got a home any more, and he's going to help them get it back - it's such a hobbity, kind answer, it really shows the essential Bilbo-ishness.

The scene around the trees had me on the edge of my seat. Thorin's battle with Azog was rather nerve-wracking, and the most bewildering bit - his friends and relatives are struggling for their lives, but he forgets all about them just so he can go fight his mortal enemy. On the other hand, Bilbo's Tookishness in running to help, even if he didn't have a clue what he was doing, made me have to muffle the cheering. I'm a sucker for heroics.

On a similar note, I very nearly gnawed my nails off waiting for the eagles to arrive. Every time the tension wne t up a notch, I was thinking "surely it's time for them to show up? ...well, it's gotta be now, surely... any moment now... What the - THORIN IS AMOST DEAD WHERE ARE THE EAGLES PETER JACKSON GIVE ME THE DAMN EAGLES DWARVES ARE FALLING OFF THE CLIFF oh thank the Valar there they are".

And finally, the point where Thorin pretty much apologises to Bilbo left me practically skipping out of the cinema at midnight, and coming online as soon as I got home to spill all my excited thoughts at you guys so I can calm down enough to sleep.

So, here they are. I hope this isn't too much, but I wanted to share my opinions. It is, after all, a continuation of where the PPC first came from, and now, more than ten years later, the story - and the adventure - lives on.

I quite liked it, myself.

First off, as a film: I described it at the time as a mix between The Hobbit and LotR - not quite epic fantasy, but a lot more than the children's book. A fair number of people here have said they disliked that - I disagree. I think it worked well - the light and the serious in the same story.

Particularly given the framing device - that this is Bilbo's version written specifically for Frodo (as opposed to 'My Diary - My Unexpected Journey - There And Back Again - And What Happened After' - that telling of a lightened-up-epic-adventure is pretty much what you'd expect. Frodo is turning 33 on the day Bilbo thinks of writing it - or in Mannish terms, 18 or so. A fairly lighthearted story with some blood-pumping action scenes is about what you'd give him to read at that age.

But I also thought it worked for the audience (of which there were... um, not much more than a dozen, for some reason). The pocket handkerchief probably caught my attention first on this front - we have Bilbo's childish demand to turn back because he's forgotten his (similar to the book), but instead of someone having a spare, Fili (I think) throws him - a bit of his coat he rips off. Which is realism but also funny.

I also liked the way they used the songs - while carefully cutting out things like 'Tra-la-la-lally'. It is a shame about Fifteen Birds In Five Fir Trees, though.

On the filmic aspects I didn't like: the Goblin King was not very nice to look at, and didn't really seem to fit with his people. He seemed like he was about to pull out a novel or something. I can see why they did it - in fact, I agree that it's a good way to go with the character - but... not and make him look like that. The Hobbit is not a film you make to play games with your audience.

... kind of the only thing, really.

---

Okay, the adaptation. First off, the main plot:

Yeah, they mangled it around a bit. Thorin arrives late to the Party, they're not even heading for Rivendell, Bilbo loses them earlier, the whole Five Fir Trees scene was scrambled. But... really, they're not significant changes. Most of them - even the minor ones, like the way the troll scene ended - are within the realm of 'Well, I remember that differently, Bilbo!'. That troll scene - they used Bilbo, not Gandalf, to play for time, and then Gandalf broke a rock. Well, you know, the whole thing where the sun SUDDENLY was up and turning people to stone never made sense to me. Sunrises don't do that. Whereas stalling until sunrise and then making a way for it to get in is pretty darn clever.

(And yeah, they cut out the giant talking eagles and the 'let's have cooked breakfast in the Eyrie' scene. Can you blame them?)

As for the specific characters: I admit I can only identify about half the dwarves (Thorin, Fili, Kili, Gloin because I was looking for him, Balin, probably Dori, Bombur of course, and... one I gather is Bofur? Although I didn't get his name at the time. The Cossack). On the other hand, in the book I can only do Thorin, Fili-and-Kili, Bombur, and Balin. So that's kind of a plus.

I liked Thorin. My main problem was the amount of time he seemed to spend lying on his back with half-lidded eyes, glowering at people. But I liked the Lost Prince vibe.

Gandalf... um. Ian McKellan's a fan, isn't he? I actually think he overacted a lot of the lines from the book (I am Gandalf, and Gandalf... hmmm... hmmm... means ME), which is exactly the sort of thing a long-term fan would do with lines they know (think of people declaiming 'To be or not to be' - that sort of thing). But when he wasn't overacting, I liked him.

And I adored Bilbo. To the people who say he was barely in it - well, he was barely in that part of the book, either. He pretty much tags along and gets picked up by dwarves. The only things he does after leaving Hobbiton are a) bungle the troll scene, b) alert Gandalf to the goblins, and c) the Gollum scene. So this version was a lot more pro-active. And very well acted, in my opinion.

Specific scenes: Riddles in the Dark was very good. I felt for Gollum, I really did, and again - it was more serious than the book, but less than LotR. The problem of how to make a hungry monster volunteer for a game of riddles was well handled - and made use of Smeagollum, rather than just putting him in for fun.

Five Fir Trees was very much scrambled, but... again, it worked. (I assume none of the dwarves were in a position to go and help - we saw that with a couple, but it could have done with highlighting for the others).

(And I like the Stone - not Storm, Hellga, I think you misheard - Giants. They were fun. ;))

Um, essentially, and unlike 'Faramir is evil! Sam turns back! Elves go to the Hornburg! Flaming Denethor!', none of the changes broke character. If Thorin had been faced with an archenemy, he totally would have gone murder-happy. The only character changed was Bilbo - but we watched him gain more confidence during the film than he did in the book, so it didn't bother me.

So: as an adaptation of the book plot, it throws it around a bit, but not badly enough to bother me. But there's another aspect: the history.

---

Oh stars they messed that up. A quick count:

-Thror's gold-fever: actually pretty canonical, but I saw someone mention it. He wore a Dwarven Ring of Power, guys. The Seven are canonically attested to not sway Dwarves to Sauron, but rather to turn them inwards and fill them with gold-lust. So yeah, he probably would have been. And, Neshomeh, I didn't get the 'Smaug showed up because' vibe - I guess that's an interpretation, though.

-Azog, Thror, Khazad-Dum and Nanduhirion: Oh dear. That was a royal mess. From 'Thror enters Moria alone and is killed by Azog, so Thrain, Nain, Thorin and Dain wage war and kill him (but are scared off from entering Moria by Durin's Bane) we get 'Thror is killed in battle by Azog, Thorin fails to kill him, he goes wandering across Eregion hunting dwarves'. Yeah, pretty sure the Rangers would have something to say about that. 'The Wargs have come west of the mountains' is a significant thing in LotR - not so the movie version, since they were happily wandering over there all the time.

I don't think they needed a running villain - but it's the same decision-making process as brought down Dawn Treader, when they decided they needed to turn the book into a quest for seven magic swords. And no, Orcs - even Orcs from Gundabad - shouldn't be running around in the daytime (though did anyone notice how fast night fell after Bilbo returned near the end?). So I disagree with this change - I think it was pretty pointless and stupid - but fortunately, it wasn't that big a change. It lead to angsty!Thorin, some pointless Wargs (and Rivendell Lancers, which are from a computer game), but not much else. So there's that, at least.

-Radagast: I have gone on at length as to why I like this Radagast. I won't even try to rehash it here.

-The White Council: Again, I have no problem with them meeting while Mithrandir was in Rivendell anyway. They met several times as it is. I think Saruman was well-written (and very scathing - but as mentioned in the Radagast post, he never got on with the Bird-Tamer), and I liked the Galadriel-Gandalf interaction. I'm assuming Apparating!Galadriel was for dramatic effect, not an indication that she can either teleport or trap Gandalf in an illusion. Not sure what they were forshadowing with that 'If you ever need me' line, but I'm sure we'll find out.

-The Witch-King: Oh... dear. Assuming that was him in Dol Guldur, I guess Radagast would be able to see him - like Glorfindel, he was in Valinor at the time of the Trees, so he should live in 'both the seen and unseen worlds' (even if being a demigod doesn't automatically give him that power). But. Er.

'After the fall of Angmar the men of wherever took the Witch-King's body and buried it deep underground, blah darkness, blah never find, BUT LOOK SWORD'.

... which part of No living man may hinder me did they miss? It's not like Tolkien was subtle about this, you know - Merry's attack specifically 'pierc[es] the sinew behind his mighty knee', not some ethereal wossname. The Morgul Lord isn't a ghost - he's essentially a terrifying invisible zombie. The one thing he isn't is dead.

The only way I can reconcile that is by assuming the unheard name of who buried him (yes, I missed it) was his own allies, and that's just what they said when captured. But I don't think so, somehow.

---

So, final tally: I liked it as a film, wasn't too bothered about the plot changes, and was squirming through several pieces of the introduced extra plot. But overall, I enjoyed it, will see the other two, and will hope they mess things up less, not more, next time.

hS

I loved this movie! I haven't read the Hobbit since freshman year of high school, so I'm sorry to all the hardcore Tolkien fans who didn't enjoy it as much. But I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I didn't find the serious and humor bits to be that disjointed. It's the result of blending the original Hobbit style with Middle-earth's main storyline, and I think it works. It shows that, even with all the strife happening throughout the ages, there were still simpler moments being enjoyed by the average denizens of Middle-earth. (Not that Thorin's company are exactly ordinary, BUT)

I LOVE RADIGAST. Based on other comments, it sounds like he was pretty different in the books, but holy crap, I love him. He's probably my favorite Tolkien canon now, and I don't think I even had one before I watched this movie. Being someone who likes animals more than people myself . . . I didn't find him that strange. <. and as odd he acted still showed off some impressive talent what with evading the wargs fighting witch-king holy crap that entire scene was just utterly terrifying so i think portrayed a plenty competent wizard.>
The scene between Bilbo and Gollum was awesome. I do dislike when they replace an entire character with CGI, but in Gollum's case, I don't mind it, since a living actor could never portray his wasted-away form properly.

The thing I am most sad about is that they cut out ♪these silly little birds, they have no wings; oh what shall we do with the silly little things?♪ I get that orcs haven't really been established as a race that sings at all, but that was still an awesome, awesome song. ;_;

I wasn't bothered by the rehashed music; I had expected it, actually, and it feels like a natural choice, since it takes place in the same world/story.

I see what you all are saying about the changes - and some of them are more irritating than others, but I have learned with PJ to view movies as a rather AU fanfic rather than straight translations of books to the screen... so I don't get so worked up over all the differences. It's oodles better than the Two Towers, and I am glad for that. :)

____________________________(copied from my LJ)

I actually loved the movie quite a bit - though I tend to like almost everything I see in the theater, and my opinion may change a couple years down the road as I keep watching and rewatching it.

I would rate it 9/10 as a movie, and 5.5/10 as Tolkien adaptation.

I think what the movie does beautifully is show Bilbo's character development, and build Dwarves into really sympathetic characters, though there really was no opportunity for most of the Dwarves to develop a personality. Really only Thorin, Bofur and Balin get much speaking time, and out of the rest of them only Dwalin and Kili get a chance to do something more...
Thorin is not quite the book's Thorin in terms of his looks, though I think the personality of the Prince in Exile was captured quite well. And movie!Thorin is one hot Dwarf. The only character in the movie I really wanted to fangirl.

The prologue with Bilbo and Frodo - I think it was unnecessary, but I can understand PJ's desire to connect this movie to the previous ones for the non-Tolkienite audience. It does work, so I am not against it.

The Erebor part of the prologue did bring out sarcasm in me. I do buy into the idea that it was a great and powerful kingdom, but not to such an extent. Dwarves did not even live there for that long, with moving to the Grey Mountains and then back... I intensely disliked them showing Thranduil coming to pay homage to Thror... as if!!! I should also say I don't like PJ's vision of the caves - any of them. Makes me wonder if he has ever seen a real cave.

I did love how the Smaug's attack was shown. And his lovely tail. The pinkish tint to his red color made me wonder what a hot pink Smaug would look like. What I did not like is that the Elves arrived there to watch the attack (how did they get there so quickly?) and then watched until it was all over - then turned around and left. At least they did not applaud... I simply don't get why PJ wanted to amplify the dislike between Dwarves and Elves to such an extent. Makes me really wonder how he is going to show the whole Mirkwood portion of the movie...

I liked the Bilbo-Gandalf meeting scene, and how at times they quoted the book directly. While hobbit-hole being overrun by Dwarves was slightly different from the book - it was quite well done. And I *love* Dwarven singing. I loved it in the trailer and I loved in the movie.

Bilbo's decision to join the group is all his own, without Gandalf's interference (though here he did not have to clean up after Dwarves' breakfast - that could make a difference ), but dynamics between him and the Dwarves is more based on the Unfinished Tales and the Quest for Erebor than on the Hobbit book itself.

The whole Troll scene plays out rather different from the book in the beginning (though the end is the same). The Trolls were rather sympathetic in their own way, I must say, and their culinary discussion reminded me of the Ratatouille a bit. I actually liked that the Dwarves were more battle-ready than in the book, though why were they so incompetent? Was that the first time they ever encountered a troll, or what?

I liked the realistic depiction of their cave - with the flies and the stench, but the Elvish swords made me wonder. Why did the Sting glow blue but not Glamdring and Orcrist? They are all three made in Gondolin... Sure, the books don't specifically mentino Glamdring or Orcrist glowing, but is that the question of Aragorn's pants or is there something more to it? I invented a theory that maybe Bilbo's sword, being small in size but shaped more like a sword than a dagger, was a child's sword. And that's why it glowed - a child may not be able to discern approaching orcs, but an adult elf should be able to.

The battle of Azanulbizar was shown as a flashback and on the whole I rather disliked it as a Tolkien adaptation, though it does fit with the way PJ wanted to build the movie. The story was told by Balin to Bilbo and Fili and Kili - I am surprised those two did not know it, being his own nephews. Sure, they were too young to have taken a part in it - but surely they have heard it many times before. I was disappointed that there was some random battle cry instead of the famed Baruk Khazad! - probably because most of the Dwarves, for whatever reason, used weapons other than axes? I also disliked how the battle flow was shown. Azog beheaded Thror - Thrain instantly went mad - Dwarves started running in panic instead of going to avenge their king. Then Thorin did remember he was a Prince and a Hero and attacked Azog (I understand not introducing Nain and Dain here, there is barely time to develop the major characters). Somehow ended up without a sword or a shield (I always imagined that he lost his shield when it simply ended up cracked by taking too many strikes in the course of the long battle!) and defended himself with an oak branch (more like oak fireplace log!) and then managed to chop off Azog's hand (not the head). Also, I couldn't help laughing every time I head The Pale Orc - made me think of Die Blonde Bestie...

Even though Dwarves have won the battle, there were not enough of them left alive to retake Moria and so they had to remain exiled homeless people. And Azog became the main enemy of this movie (and possibly movie Number 2 and maybe even Number 3 since he is left alive at the end of this particular movie. He also put a price on Thorin's head and sent out his Orcs to hunt for him - while camping out on Amon Sul. Made me wonder how Dunedain allowed that - then I remembered that in the Jackson's version of Middle-earth they do not exist.

Radagast episodes were not as annoying as they could have been, though I think they were quite unnecessary nonetheless. I think the story of Dol Guldur could have been retold by Gandalf, as in the book - even if they wanted to show it as a new development instead of a 400-year old story it was... Cutesy animal scenes I did not care for.

I intensely disliked the Dwarves being chased into Rivendell by the Orcs. First the incompetent Dwarves who can't dispose of the single Orc scout with less that six or so blows, allowing him ample time to alert everyone. Then Elrond and his little army riding out to fight the Orcs who have crossed!!! Bruinen!!! and not even managing to slay all of them...

Elrond was the same rather grouchy movie!Elrond and mockingly fed the Dwarves only salad accompanied by Elvish music. The White Council was taking place in Rivendell at the same time Dwarves were there. I suppose it is OK for it to be held there - I don't think books specify where it had taken place... even if I personally have a hard time imagining Saruman leaving Orthanc willingly by that time... What I have an issue with is why the Council discussed Thorin's merry band instead of Dol Guldur. And the idiotic phrase about 400 years of peace - where was that peace, pardon me? And where the heck did you get the 400 year mark from? What the scene did show well was the dynamics of Gandalf+Galadriel vs Saruman. Galadriel was the same as in LotR - though I liked here a bit better here than in FotR. The little nitpicky things - her silver nail polish (did not know Elvish manicure techniques were that advanced) and that she was only at most an inch taller than Gandalf, instead of good 10-12 inches...

I had no problems with pacing of the movie (some critics complained it was rather slow) up to this point, but after Rivendell I did have many issues with it. The battle of the mountains coming to life (Storm Giants, they called them in the movie) was utterly unnecessary, full of cheap CGI and far too long. The other scene that was far too long was the whole running through the Goblin Town.

I really liked the conversation between Bilbo and Bofur on the steps of the Goblin Town. I think it is a key scene for the movie!Bilbo character development and a very strong scene in and of itself. In the Goblin town itself, I missed the song - that was the one thing I really liked in the Rankin-Bass cartoon... The King was ugly but not so ugly as to distract from the proceedings. The whole scene should have been edited to about half its length, especially the part after Gandalf rescues the Dwarves. Though I really liked the one minor detail - the scribe!

Almost every reviewer I have read so far has loved the Riddles scene. I must say I did not find it that impressive - maybe because it was interspersed with the chase through the Goblin town? Gollum is very good, but really quite the same as we have seen him in TTT and RotK. The Gollum scene I really loved was the one at the very end, where Bilbo was thinking whether to kill Gollum, and poor Smeagol was so crushed by the loss of the ring...

Then the famous flaming fir cones battle took place. It was not too bad, but I rather disliked one change PJ has made. Thorin jumped out of the tree to fight Azog - OK, that part I can buy, it is not out of character for him. What I refuse to buy is that no one, not even Fili and Kili, followed him - but Bilbo Baggins the Amazing Fighting Hobbit did. And even was more successful against the warg-riding Orcs than the warrior Thorin. The only reason for this scene to be there, I suppose, is that they could then show Thorin finally accepting Bilbo as the member of his company, but I still did not care for it.

The Eagles did come but they really did not talk. They simply deposited them all atop Carrock and left. The final few moments were quite well done...
I am looking forward to seeing the movie at least one more time, and to the two films that follow. After FotR, I had very high hopes for TTT which unfortunately were sorely disappointed - I hope with the second Hobbit movie it will not be the case.

I saw the movie last night and I have to say that I probably would have liked it more if I hadn't read the book first. Overall it's a good movie, but all the canon discrepancies really detracted from my enjoyment of the film.
The biggest thing that bothered me was Radagast. I'm not really sure what I was expecting from him, but that was definitely not it. We're talking about a wizard who's supposed to be at about the same level as Gandalf, but they made him seem like just some reclusive loony who enjoys mushrooms a bit too much. I also was somewhat bothered by that fact that even though Bilbo was the main character the focus wasn't really on him as much as it was on Gandalf.
Other minor bothers include the lack of new music, Thranduil on a moose, and at the very end when the eagles just drop them off on a mountain in the middle of nowhere.
I think that the underlying issue is that they tried to direct The Hobbit in the same way that they directed The
Lord of the Rings. The Hobbit was originally written as a children's book, while The Lord of the Rings is a lot darker and more complex, so trying to direct them the same way is just looking for failure.
Just one last random little tidbit: even though Smaug didn't speak once Benedict Cumberbatch's name is still in the credits. I have no idea why, maybe he voice-acted the roars? :D Just the thought of that is hilarious to me

I saw it on the midnight showing with some friends, and I thought it was pretty damn good. I'm still not quite sure it really NEEDS to be three movies that are three hours a piece, but I like this one so far.

I won't speak to what I thought of it as a Tolkien adaptation, because I haven't read The Hobbit since the late 90's. What I will talk about is how this stacked up as a movie.

Let me break down what I thought. The pacing was atrocious. There was no time to breathe between some action sequences and yet there were large portions of the film that were, to me, composed of useless filler. They needed to use their time more effectively. For instance, after three hours, I still had no idea who most of the Dwarfs were. I knew Thorin, Fili, Kili, Bofur, Balin and Dwalin. That's it. Out of 13 Dwarves, I could identify six. The rest will have to get used to being "the fat one" or "the one with the funny hair". Cut some of the sweeping panoramic views and use that time to flesh out the characters.

I would also like to address the crap job that they did with the CG in the movie. I mean, we have seen what CG can do, and this was absolutely sub-par. Thranduil on the moose (don't even get me started on the moose) at the beginning looked plastic. I'm not even sure if there is an actor behind all of that. The CG, throughout the movie, was obvious and without restraint. If you have millions of dollars to spend on CG, you'd damn well better get your money's worth. The CG in Lord of the Rings was better than this, and that was made a decade ago. Shouldn't we be better now than we were back then?

One of my biggest disappointments was that they reused so much of the music from the Lord of the Rings movies. I was looking forward to a lot of new, awesome music but we mainly got rehashes of the same themes, with the exception of the Lonely Mountain song that the Dwarfs sang early on, which was everything I was hoping for. Then they played that over and over and over again until I got sick of hearing it. Then there was the random Isengard bad guy music that they played when Thorin was being badass near the end. It made no sense and I expect better.

Now, let's get down to the biggest problem I had with the film. It has no idea what it wants to be. It is trying to be both a serious action/adventure and a light-hearted cartoon. The problem is that it doesn't do either one very well. Each action scene went on way too long and then, like I said earlier, slammed right into the next action scene without any real break. As for the light-hearted cartoon, all the jokes were cliched and you could see them coming a mile away. Some of them were even stuck into sections where they were trying to be dramatic, which completely destroyed both purposes.

So, overall, I have to give the movie 4.5/10 as a film. It isn't the worst movie I've ever seen, but it wasn't even near the standard that Lord of the Rings set.

-Phobos, Theatre Professional

Not in DMS or Floaters... Maybe the Department of WhatThe. Or DoGA. Or some other under-loved department that could tackle the incoming Hobbit badfics...

(I'm on vacation!)

kkrone@carthage.edu

You never know - not to toot my own horn, but I know it's perfectly possible for a teenager to get flash-fiction published. (Granted, I submitted mine to a literary magazine that was for teenagers and they were running a contest, but hey.) Best of luck to you!

Can't someone just release a movie without people making bad fan stories right after opening night? It is very insulting to the people who made the film.

I noted how many fanfics there were in The Hobbit section of FF.net before the movie opened... and it is exploding. Before we know it, it will be a 1000 stories, and I don't believe a tenth of that number would be goodfic...

Tashadar is a last name, maybe a self-insert?

Oh joy, more Sues, as if we didn't had enough.

EW GRELVISH. Also, what I don't understand is why she learned to fight with swords if she was in the modern word.

Borimere. I almost had a heart attack.
Borimere and souroman.( 2 new mini-Balrogs!)

Maybe Sauron sent her because he wanted to torture the Fellowship?
He's evil after all.

Erudessa Nuneth. A pretty dumb name, that one.
An elf went to the Shire to be the cook of some hobbit?!?
Why? And she has a twin...
They're going for Fili and Kili, of that I'm certain.
Stupid Mary-Sues.

The last one, oh the last one is so painful to look at!
WHAT THE HECK IS SAURON DOING THERE?
Sauron is a friend of Aragorn.WTF.
The entire badfic makes no sense at all.
I want to spork it so badly!

Here's an in-post piece, from the Department of Intelligence.

*****

Amber Dashel was one of the few Intel Agents who still worked from her RC. She liked it that way, mostly because the sounds of other people trying to deal with what had come up on their screens put her off. A lot. It was much more peaceful in her room as she scanned, assigned and investigated fics (although that bit wasn't always so peaceful, even if she was fairly good at keeping out of sight).

On this particular day, she'd just got back from a quick lunch, bringing with her a coffee that was actually drinkable once she'd added about ten pots of creamer, and sat down at the console when it went off with one of the most ear-splitting [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]s she had ever heard.

She shrieked, managed to upset the lukewarm coffee down herself, and fumbled for the mute button only for the sound to be replaced by a klaxon-like wailing. A message flashed up on the screen.

[Calling all Spies. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey has been released in World One cinemas. We have already received reports of major activity on fanfic websites. Get in there and start investigating! The Action Departments will kill them as fast as resources and weaponry permit. This is a FANFIC EXPLOSION, people! Thank you.

The Sub Rosa.]

Amber stared at the screen, and then groaned and sank her face into her hands. "Well," she muttered eventually, "at least I'm not going to get bored."

Seriously, here's one:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8798902/1/Home
Rating:T
-It was the moment Bilbo shared what home meant to him that Thorin understood the phrase 'home is where your heart is.' It was after Bilbo saved his life that he realized his heart was with Bilbo. Thorin/Bilbo
-In which Thorin is incredibly sappy and I'm too lazy to do HTML to make that look pretty.

And another Sue: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8802761/1/The-Journey
She tells people in the description not to be "harse". I don't think I have to say more.

I find Tolkien-verse Sues to be both disgusting and boring at the same time. Even if they break the mold, they're still a cliche Sue by being in Middle-Earth.
Since this is probably the new badfic report thread, have some Percy Jackson dreck scraped up from the Circle of Lemmings.

http://www.quotev.com/story/1257169/When-Two-Worlds-Collide-A-Percy-Jackson-Harry-Potter-Crossover-and-l/ Two canons for the price of one! Oh joy! And it's incredibly long.

http://www.quotev.com/story/1955711/The-Forbidden-Daughter-Percy-Jackson-Love-Story/10/ She's the daughter of APOLLO AND ARTEMIS?!?!?!? Twincest, much?

http://www.quotev.com/story/2300377/The-Broken-Vow-A-Percy-Jackson-Story/3/ Excessive linkage. And a circlet that apparently is permanently stuck to her head. Sounds like a Suevenir.

http://www.quotev.com/story/1867111/Percy-Jackson-Love-story/1/ Some sections literally copypasted from The Lightning Thief. Plagiarism! And why are all these fics subtitled "A Percy Jackson love story"? It's like they're screaming "I'M A SUE! PLEASE SPORK ME!"

And a Star Trek fic, but you don't have to know anything about Star Trek to know that it's PPCable. Just read the first line.

That sounds like a PPC version of Warheads. I like eet.

Also, all of these Sues are mind-numbingly stupid. Im'ma go claim one right now. Grr.

Well, given that there are no half-elves as such in Middle-earth - after the First Age anyone with mixed blood is automatically an average human unless he/she is technically an Elf but happens to have human blood (Arwen and her brothers). But known examples of half-elves from the First Age aged just like normal humans (Earendil, Elwing - Dior too, but with Dior the question is still open whether he counts as a half-elf or a full human, I am leaning towards the latter).

As far as why Sauron would send a Sue into Middle-earth? Sauron is evil. Inflicting Mary Sues onto unsuspecting words is evil. Bingo!

The Nobody (A Lord Of The Rings The Hobbit Romance)
-"You know how in school everybody had a nickname, even those who you would think no one would ever see; and how once you have been given a name it can either give you the world or the garbage that nobody wants? Well, I am here to both confirm and disprove that theory for I have a nickname that gives me both the world and the garbage that nobody wants .I Have a Nickname and that is, The Nobody."
-Another reason to hate the Circle of Lemmings is that it lets you just put videos in the middle of the story. It's just... I don't know why anyone would just put the video for the Hobbit trailer after they say they're going to watch it. Also, why is she watching the trailer instead of the actual movie?
Basically, Sue is bullied because she likes reading and then gets sucked into Middle-Earth. Becomes a Fifteenth Walker, has angst issues about her name and consistently calls Gandalf "Gandulf". Fun. And Thorin has this creepy father complex for her and calls her "my child", wtf.

All the rest are LotR, but they're equally bad. They kinda remind me of the Sues from the Original Series, just because they're so stereotyped and bleeegh. I can't speak anymore.

That one just... the closest I've been to that kind of hiking is a one-day thing in Maine and we were back before lunch. I STILL think I could do better at packing, just because I know you don't bring fresh vegetables or tie pots and pans to your pack (without even asking the dwarves what THEY brought) and... Urgh. I just don't even.

Have a MLP badfic:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8686593/1/A-New-Life
Twilight is fed up with her friends after they turn their backs on her at the wedding. So after the defeat of the Changelings she set off to find a new life living with humans. How will she cope with this new land? And is she starting to have feeling for one of her human friends? I DONT OWN MLP OR ANY SONGS I MIGHT PUT IN. I OWN JUST THE OCs AND PLOT and the characters are anthro


And a goodfic:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8746660/1/Sick-Time
Rin does not get sick often. And when she does, she does not take it well, much to the dismay of her beset-upon Archer. But still... there really should be a LIMIT to just how badly a little cold should be taken. Written for Elf. Hi, Elf!

I see you have based the corridors on the PPC HQ theory - always fun. I suppose, then, that the only way a fangirl could reach the room of their LO would be to not be thinking about their LO - so very good security, there.

Ah, and Spock teaching logic - I wonder if fangirls and logic actually mix (because 'Sues and logic don't)?

I can't wait for a few more classes and the fangirl plots to begin. I also agree with Lily - if you can make the chapters longer, please do, because I am (and probably a good number of others are) really enjoying this.

Also, if your beta gets ill again, you can always ask here on the Board.

Allow me to clamp myself around your shoulders in an expression of happiness and friendship.
Really, it's just cold outside and you're absorbing warmth at a near constant basis, but the friendship is still a valid excuse.
ANYWAY, I love you and wish you well in your next year of life.
Now come here so I may set fire to the rain as I touch your face.

Guess who gets a birthday hat?! Lovely mission by the way,I liked the whole plothole thing, it made the mission unique, and it was definitely nice to see Mycroft snark.

Too bad the world's ending on Friday ; ).
Have a shiny balloon anyway!

Have cake and ice cream and Pin the Tail on the Balrog* with which to celebrate your day that was yesterday!

*Now with 7% more flames!

...Because everyone was saying that in English and I wanted to break the mold :B
Two birthdays at the same day! Odd, but considering the amount of people here, I guess it was bound to happen.
Here, have a Sherlock plushie and a piece of convenient cake!:D

Of to read your work,

Givala~

John nudged Sherlock.
"What?" the detective snapped, not looking up from his experiment.
"Say happy birthday to Lily," his friend told him.
"Why? I'm in the middle of something."
"Because that's what you do when someone has a birthday."
"Social conventions. Dull. Go away."
"Just say it, okay? Show some appreciation for the person who created MBSFA!"
"Fine," he said. "Happy Birthday, Lily. Happy now, John?"
"Yes. But I'd be even happier if you cleaned up the flat and got those Sue parts out of the fridge…"
"No."

Boring mission? What boring mission? I clicked on the link and it brought me to an interesting, well-written mission involving agents interacting with each other in amusing ways and a private plothole (only the best for Mycroft!). I think it was unique that it was a Mycroft Sue and that it was Mycroft who was character replaced. Eledhwen and Christianne are, as always, fun. Especially the bit with the tatoo.
I still look forward to your Circle sporking, just because I love your missions. :) Yes, I am a fangirl of your work.

Have some concrit... and a Minecraft dog.

I have to say this mission was far from "boring". It was actually very well paced and the section with Mycroft in the plothole was perfect. I liked the fact that the mission incorporated a lot of Eledhwen-Christianne interaction: it reminded me a lot of TOS. Well done! I look forward to the Circle of Lemmings mission.

And you're such a selfless person, you've given us a mission as a present on your special day!

You did an excellent job of fighting off the boring in this mission. You gave the agents and Mycroft enough to do and deal with to keep the mission's action moving, even while the badfic's action was . . . nonexistent.

Mycroft's private plothole was quite funny. I can almost imagine him arguing with the standard plothole to get better arrangements and see what was happening, and the plothole finally bowing down to his wishes. I'm also amused by the idea of Christianne posing as a nurse for some length of time waiting for Rosh Hashanananana to show up.

I also liked that the kids and dog all went different places to get cared for. It helps reinforce the fact that the PPC and its close allies are dedicated to helping harmed characters, in addition to fighting those causing the harm.

I'm curious about how Mycroft "is" the British government. That must be a BBC Sherlock thing, since I don't recall him wielding that sort of power in the original Holmes adventures.

And boring? What are you talking about? I thought your agents had some serious funny banter going on, espcially considering they had almost nohting to work with, except a lot of fluff. And I loved the bit with the tattoo! I reminded me of classic Jay and Acacia, who would also play pranks on Sues to pass the time.

Here, have a triple chocolate cupcake! Don't forget to blow out the candle!

Two birthdays in a row! Is that a Board record??

Also: -huggles-

I remember beta-ing this one! Also, good luck with the Circle thing - I've found an ungodly amount truckload few fics that I'm definitely going to be looking at later... Once I get through my massive backlog of stuff.

Also, happy birthday! Have a miniature version of the Serenity !

Hm, my birthday's tomorrow. Anyone want to figure out the mathematical odds of three Boarders having their birthday within two days of each other?

Have some Nm&Nms!

Mathematically one PPCer's birthday being the same as another PPCer's birthday was inevitable, but for one specific date to be double-booked with PPCer birthdays is somewhat less likely. Oh well!

Have a rowan wand, pre-soaked in moonlight. I'm on a Young Wizards kick and it's the first thing that came to mind.

*Produces a cake covered in glitter from Hammerspace.*

On the mission note-- email me or set up a Google Doc when you want to start on our collaboration.

I bequeath to you an urple Awake. Treat it well, for it has a great destiny before it. Or gas. It may just have gas.

Seventeen, A ripe, good age I have not reached yet (soon...)But I missed it! I'm sorry, but what can I possibly give for compensation... hmmm... Oh, I know! It's supposed to be for my brother, but since I did not miss his birthday, and after-birthdays can be even more fun than the actual day, here is a certificate to one Pinkie Pie Party for one whole day! It will be insane, but if you know Pinkie, then you know how nuts it can be. No garantes you won't die in a terrible forth wall acident though.
(But hey, come on, how cool would it be if you were crushed under the forth wall!)
You're dead.
(Yes, but imagine millions would be *sunglasses* watching the funeral.)
That was a terrible joke. Still, being crushed by a immanganary force used for theater... It would be talked about for years.

Ummm....*goes through pockets*...here it is! Have a Mini-Saber Lion named Artura.

Never mind the Twilight similarities, seventeen is a lovely age, not that I would know... *coughI'monlyfifteencough*. Have a birthday hat as a celebratory gift!

The game of Pin the Tail on the Balrog shall continue! This time with a cake in the flavor of your choice and some confetti.

*Throws an entire basket of confetti in the air and walks off to let someone else clean it up*

I personally liked 19 the most... Lucky you, for you it is still something to look forward to. :)

Herpy birthderp! Have some lemming repellant!

Wow 17 already!^^
I feel so young xD
Anyways, enjoy your day! Eat lots of cake! :D

Have a Minecraft dog!

You are now of age, if you're living in the wizarding world. If not, you have to wait another year. (Or not, depending on your country of residence.)

For that astronomy reference, have a full color map of the solar system. And my nostalgia. (I was a huge astronomy nerd as a little kid, and you saying "orbit" triggered memories)

*Solemnly places a party hat on Lilac's head, then leaves as mysteriously as she came.*

♪And a happy new year!♪

Also, Twilight.

Have a special triple chocolate cupcake! Don't forget to blow out the candle!

Have a Balvhakara suit of power armor!

Hey, my birthday is tomorrow. I wonder how many other Boarders had their birthdays within the same two days or so?

Yay, happy seventeenth! -huggles- Here, have a war moose as a present.

And if movie!Thranduil comes asking where you got it, it's totally not his. :D

And have some Nm&Nms!

...I wonder if this is too far down the page for all to see. Hm.

Anyhoo, the third installment of the (Un)Intelligence series is ready for beta-reading! Two or three beta-readers should be able to cover this: it's five-ish pages in GDocs and clocks in at a little over 2000 words. Since my access to the internet is somewhat restricted right now, I might not answer your emails right away.

Any takers? Please leave a email address and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks!





(Insert obligatory I'm-going-to-release-Episode-3-before-Valve-will joke here)

I mastered the art of anime cramming in my weaboo phase, so I can get a semi-comprehensive grasp of Nonoha soon enough, and I enjoy BBC Sherlock. I am also an okay Britpicker; however, that's usually Lily's area, and if she doesn't catch it I am not likely to.

I'll beta for Nanoha. And whatever SPaG mistakes I can catch. Mail is sur DOT nhm AT gmail DOT com.

I know neither of those fandoms, have a tendancy to miss grammar mistakes, and have no been around long enough to build up any reputation other than, "He's fun, but can't spell too well."

HOWEVER

I am a story critic, that is what drew me into the PPC in the first plase. You lot get angry over grammar I might not catch, but I can rant and rave on a story's quality much sooner. If I see a fic has a promasing story with bad grammar and structuraly poor writing, I will be far more likly to help. However, throw in too many memes, plot holes or mary sues, and I will rip into a story relentlessly. Even if it is original. (end rant)

Perhaps a person who can look at the fic with a completely open mind to check for plot holes or confusing aspects of the story would be helpfull, to check for holes in a reader's ability to understand. Afterall, don't want a Nahona fan who knows next to nothing about Sherlock, vice versa, or a fan who has thus far only seen some episodes to be completely out in the blue.

Still, if you don't think I am the kind of editor you are looking for, that's completely understandable. Just extending the offer.

E-mail in case it does not show (for some reason): tds3ak@yahoo.com

I just haven't seen quite enough of it to qualify for missions... I've only seen the first episode and most of season two.

*Snickers* If you've ever had a terrier, or known anyone who has a terrier, you'll know why they can qualify as small hell hounds. Also, yay for a canon way to show the stupid lemming picture thing!

Dawny wings. I hope they're full of Dawn soap, not shiny and sunlight-filled.

An IQ of 360? That just all around doesn't work. They have trouble measuring above 140. But yay, Agatha Heterodyne! (If the Foglios don't start making headway in that battle soon, I might just burst...)

Those wings, man... (I don't yet get why the RMC and Mittens would be inconvenienced by the devil's trap...)

It eats punctuation marks! I want to hug the RMC.

And then, at "poltergyste," I completely lost it. Just, no! I mean, I'm still laughing, but it's the urge-to-kill-rising laugh...

Oh, that was a very good way to kill off the sue. Makes me wish that someone would semi-recruit the Winchesters like they've done over in Fanfic World for John Watson and Sherlock Holmes.

I think this is a good mission! The jokes were good, and I did like the execution. We need more of those that aren't 'insert bullet/knife/lightsaber into Sue.'

There were a few SPaG errors - I think an it's/its, a who's/whose. But it wasn't that distracting.

Where are you transferring Mittens and the RMC? I'm curious. Also, I have a method for getting text from the Circle without having to rewrite everything; if you want the link I can give it to you.

All in all, very interesting!

But Happy birthday anyway! Here, have a triple chocolate (chocolate with chocolate chips and chocolate icing) cupcake!

Don't forget to blow out the candle first!

Have a convenient cake and a brand new, shiny sword ^^

Have some lemming repellent!
And geez, I still can't believe you're younger than me. I think I can hear my joints creaking.

Just wait... the first big line is 25. Then your body will actually complain if you abuse it by things such as lack of sleep or too many sweets...

Happy birthday, Firemagic. Many happy returns. Though, to be honest, I find the fact that I am older than you quite odd, for some reason...

One last party before the world ends, eh? *dons party hat*
Have some flavor-changing cake! It can't decide whether it wants to be chocolate or vanilla.

Here, have a giant huggle! -huggles-

You may have this shiny Awake I found while cleaning the breedi- I mean happy fun time pits. It's the colour of a carrot, so maybe it has a bunch of antioxidants along with it's caffeine. I have no clue. Anyway, here you go!

Have this absurdingly cute Moemura plushie!

Thou Shalt Not 'Dumb Down' the Language in Thy Fic. For in Doing so, Thou Insulteth Thy Reader's Intelligence, and Verily, Doing So Maketh Thee Sound Preachy and Patronizing.

Thou Shalt Not Name Thine Characters After Thyself, For Doing So Inevitably Leads to Self-Insert Sueishness, As Well As General Fail.

Thou Shalt Not Place Badly-Labelled Author's Notes in the Middle of thine Fic, Lest Thou be Cast into Iniquity.

Thou Shalt Not Create Ships that Make No Sense, For We Do Not Do That.

(Should we make a Wiki article about the Thou Shalt Nots of writing fanfiction?)

Have I written badfic when I was young? Well, yes. Did it get published? Hell no. I do remember writing a Red Alert 2 badfic for a creative writing lesson back in elementary school, but I think I threw it away last time we moved house. Or the time before.

To the point that I considered making Agent!Sergio Turbo go on a mini-mission spree to kill his alternate universe versions... as they were all self-insert Stus. Blatant ones too.

So, here's a couple of Thou Shall Not

- Thou shall not make Mickey Mouse the mentor figure of your OC protagonist if all the other characters are from anime. (Don't ask.)
- Thou shall not make your character into an improbable detective who has to save the Cartoon World from an even more improbable supervillain.
- Thou shall not give your character improbable stun laser weapons to try to put together "cool" and "non lethal".
- Thou shall not give your character an absurdingly powerful car that makes you need to upgrade the antagosists' ones too in order to make a chase scene longer than fifteen seconds.

http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2322724/Qwizbo There, take a gander. There's five fics there, and only one of them is complete. Not coincedentally, it's the only one I'm even remotely proud of. But I had major plans for all of them, and I keep wanting to write something new someday. Who knows? Maybe I will...

A lot of the worst stuff from grades 5-8 was wiped out in the great hard drive crash the year before I went to high school. I didn't know fanfiction existed until I was 18, so... yeah, my original fiction was terrible enough to make up for that. I just started early enough that none of my peers ever noticed, and had limited internet access until I was fifteen anyway, so I never discovered fanficiton or fictionpress until much later.

However, I have a lot of Thou Shalt Nots

- Thou shalt not assign a seperate color and font to indicate the thoughts of each character.
- Thou shalt not designate clip art to show transitions between points of view.
- Thy character shall not have been orphaned, abandoned or disowned of more than one set of parents or parental figures.
- Thou shalt not romanticize Epilepsy. (Yeah, that one makes me cringe worst - I don't really think I understood it at the time other than that it made for medical drama that didn't have to be life-threatening... no, wait, I'd just read The Last Book in the Universe, and I was dumb. [and twelve, that helped too.])
- Thou shalt not write original characters that can be summed up as "A blend of Sabriel, Ged, and Gandalf," nor shall you exceed more than one magically pulled from thine pants new power per person.
- Thou shalt not spend eight chapters cataloging all the obviously alien furniture in a house in order to establish that the occupant can travel between worlds. (In my defense, this story was almost a complete fanfic of Myst, except without any reference to the main plotline of that series, because I'd only ever played Riven.)
- Thou shalt not defeat laser guns with tinfoil suits, ray-bans, sheilds made of trashcan lids, and a slip'n'slide.
- Thou shalt not introduce mystical species that have no reason other than to be a conveniently intelligent pet of your main character.

... I'm sure if I actually dug that stuff up I'd have more, but...

I tried writing a story once, when I was in Year Nine. The plot was tacked together from whatever I thought was cool, the characters had no depth and the whole thing was completely and utterly sad. I'm so glad I abandoned it.

There was this one, okay three, okay three OCs and two corrupted next gen canons. In one story. And that's without mentioning Morgana's angsty backstory, Jen's telepathic manipulation skills, Sebastian's Heroic BSOD at being Sorted into Ravenclaw, Morgana's insane skillz with the shield charm, James Sirius Potter owning the invisibility cloak, Scorpius' mad potions skillz, the fact that they were all Animagi or the time travel. Oh and the fact they were all basically in one big polygamous relationship.
It was about this time I discovered a Mary Sue litmus test and having failed spectacularly hid that notebook from the light of day.

Including me, and it's so horrible, that is painful to look at.
I completely understand how you feel.
-huggles-

If you guys really want me to, I can upload for your viewing... pleasure???... my very first crossover fanfic.

Oooh yeah. Nope.

…Kidnap characters and force them to go to your high school and fall in twoo wuv with you and your friends' blatant self-inserts.

…Or attempt to parody Sues without the writing skills to do it (which leads to it backfiring and creating a Sue).

I have done both of them. Thank the Powers That Be that I didn't have a ff.net account when I wrote the first and that I realized the second was a Sue in time, so neither was ever posted.

For this very reason I still have yet to delete my old Happy Tree Friends fanfics. They're complete crap, and I still die a little inside whenever I get an email alert saying someone's favorited it.

I wrote a handful, but they never got beyond (quite short) first chapters.

So, are we doing a Shall Not of writing in general, or can we toss in specific fandoms?

Thou Shalt Not overdescribe thine characters, unless thine description beith plot-relevant. If thine character's emerald eyes, glittery tank-tops, or flawless skin play no part in the progression of thine plot, thy description shalt be deletedeth. And nay, thy use of descriptors to explain thine character's True Love doeseth not counteth as a part to play.

Thou Shalt Not over-reference other works, especially when thine has only seen the first episodes (I once did something where I described a process as 'basically the beginning of Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles' opening sequence. *shudder*)

Thou Shalt Not use the 'makeover' sublot, especially if thine makeovered character is A) already attractive B) of a character to object to said makeovering C) is directly antagonistic to the makeovering party. Neither shall thine characters kidnap the makeover-ee or in any other way disrespect personal boundaries because that gets awkward and Unfortunate-Implications-y real quick, unless you're aiming for that sort of thing, in which case proceed with utmost caution... eth.

Thou Shalt Not overuse thou, thine, or similar Ye Olde Butcherde Englishe, unless thy be parodying said writing style or if a character speaks canonically in such a way (see: Princess Luna). Should thou be writing a character for which this be appropriate, thou must researcheth the proper grammar. Thou shalt not approach writing in this style without a significant amount of research into said writing style.

...Their Gender.

To this day, I cannot bear to write fanfics about Neji Hyuga. I really should have waited to see an episode where he got to say a few lines before trying to. You haven't lived until you've written badfic that accidentally turns your future favorite male character into a chick...

Also, Thou Shalt Not Write Thy Character Into A Four-Way Love Shape With Characters She Would Logically Hate. That one got ugly...

And Thou Shalt Not Name Thy Character After GEMSTONES. Nor BIRDS. Nor SENSATIONS. Nor ANYTHING ELSE THAT INDICATES A SUE, EVEN IF THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT SHE TURNS INTO BY CHAPTER THREE. -weeps-

If I ever find my (hopefully lost to the Internet) Naruto badfic, I will slaughter it gleefully.

...

Also: RIESE. -tacklehug-

You are not alone.