Dec 2011 Archive, part b

"Hmm? Um, not really. I just started dating Cali. Not sure if you know him... How about you?" Cadmar didn't notice how awkward Thomas looked.

The Roleplay is for anyone with agents, I believe. I don't think you need permission.

I can see if she wants us to take it on? I can't guarantee that she'll say yes, though.

If no one is interested in sporking your old badfic right now, feel free to add it to the Unclaimed Badfic list later.

http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Unclaimed_Badfic

Someone might see it there down the road and decide to use it!

Yes, you can call badfics, even if you don't have permission. To claim a badfic, simply add it to this list on the Wiki:

http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Claimed_Badfic

Also, you'll need to find badfic that you plan on using for your first mission for when you ask for permission anyway, so it's always nice that you're thinking about that now.

As for sporking your fic... Well, we'll have to see. I don't know the Naruto fandom that much, but if someone else does, I'm sure they'd be more than happy to spork it.

Not that that's a problem or anything, since I'm one of 'em. XD
Anyway, for my first ever PPC Newbie gift, I present to you, in the spirit of the season, a StCT (Sue to Christmas Tree) Transmogrifier! You make up some excuse for the Sue to touch it of her own free will and *poof!* She becomes a Christmas tree within thirty seconds!
Please note that it /is/ a new invention; if it doesn't work, let me know so that I can take it back to the lab and figure out what's wrong with it this time.
Also, on the off-chance that anyone noticed that I've been gone (considering that I'm pretty new myself), I'm-a back!

You like History, you like LOTR, Doctor Who, and Harry Potter, you like drawing... You seem AWESOME!

*waves enthusiastically* Hello! Have a pot of striped paint! :) *goes shy and runs away*

Welcome to the Board! Here, have some chocolate, and enjoy your stay!

Hi, have some fudge!

Are you classic Who or NuWho?

Glad to see another Doctor Who fan! Have a cookie!

Have a machete! It is good for slicing your way through thick jungles, and acting as an emergency weapon. I too am a history nerd (specializing in War) and a pretend artist (Faces! Why u so hard!?)

Have a mutant goldfish* as a welcome gift!







*May or may not actually be goldfish. No returns/refunds. Not liable for any damages to property or person should the organism exhibit mutant goldfish powers.

Hello!

Who's your favorite Doctor/Companion?

Also, have you ever read anything by Jim Butcher? (Codex Alera, Dresden Files)?

Sorry... bit of a Whovian here.

Anyhow. Here, have a whisk that most CERTAINLY was not a Dalek laser from an old killed badfic at one point.

Nosirree, it was not.

Greetings new friend! Have an Ancient Artifact with a Mysterious Past and Possibly Supernatural Qualities™!

...I'm now officially going to ship Lucius/Drew. I don't care if it ain't gonna happen, I'm gonna ship 'em! I mean, they're so cute cuddling like that!

Anyhow, this was a really fun interlude. Keep it up, guys! :D

I'm not even a Star Trek fan, and I still love that guy. He is a wonderful, wonderful human being.

"We have vampires that sparkle, and mope and... go to high school."

I died. My Trekkie mother loved this, too. Though, there is nothing inherently wrong with going to high school. Remember, Kim Possible goes to high school, too!

Takei does something more awesome. I am not sure how this is possible. But it is.

And by awesome I mean AWESOME. And kinda true.

"We have vampires, that sparkle, and mope, and...go to high school."

If it wasn't 3 AM here, I would be ROFLOLing.

That was amazing, really made my entire day!

Thank you!!

It's always good to see something fun like this after writing a final paper. Thanks!

for me to love George Takei more than I already did. Yet, here we are. Thank you so much for sharing this!

—doctorlit, proud to be a Star Friend

...and I'm not even that much of a sci-fi fan. I am anti-twilight though! That was glorious!

And suddenly, halfway through the video, Twilight. Most unexpected twist of the century.

Nice to know there's still hope!

(Also, anyone else seen SFDebris' excellent webreviews? He did a great one about the missing episodes. I highly suggest anyone interested look him up on blip.tv if you wanna check them out...)

I need to go hyperventilate into a paper bag.

... and promptly nerdgasmed! Christmas came early for Who-fans this year.
The only downer is the paragraph about how over a 100 episodes are still missing. *sighs*

So here they are, after a bit of revising. Obviously not looking for permission yet, but opinions would be nice :D

Agent Naiton:
Agent Name: Naiton nepos Enfret
Gender: Male
Race: Vampire
Original Continuum: A One-shot MST I did of an old story of mine.
Object of Lust: Thuringwethil (Well, that's what he's telling me...could be lying.)

Tell us about yourself: Basically, The Director hates me. Yep. That's how I ended up here. Oh...what's that? Haven't properly introduced myself yet? *tips hat* Agent Naiton nepos Enfret at your service. Former AEIMS agent, currently working for the PPC.

*sighs, rolls eyes* If you don't mind, would you please stop staring at the tattoos? Yes they cover my entire body. Long story short I'm a Pict, so yes, that explains the accent as well. *flashes fangs* Nice, huh? Was a Glaisting what did me in. Not really something I talk 'bout though. Don't look at me like that! You wouldn't either if you got the reactions I did every-time you tell the story! Good Lord, you sleep with one blood-sucking goat-shapeshifter and suddenly you're marked for life!

Anyway how'd I end up here? Used to work for another group, the Agency for the Elimination and Isolation of Mary-Sues. We sealed off original fic universes so that Sueish influence doesn't cross over into other universes and break the Multiverse.

So yeah, the director of my former organization hated me. Don't ask me why, I'm a perfectly personable person once you get to know me! Sure I have my weaknesses: sadistic tendencies, a sarcastic attitude, a very, very, very low tolerance for stupidity. Maybe a bit of an ego... but don't we all have our flaws? Anyway, don't listen to what the other agents'll tell you about the reason for my former boss hating me being evil robot armies. It's all lies.

There was also this thing with my partner, but again I don't talk about it. Seriously, what happened between me and Miss Mingan is my own business.

Anyway, the Director had a few talks with the guys over here. Apparently he decided this was a job I was “better suited for.” Apparently, he thought me too bloodthirsty for my own good. I'd like to take this moment to point out, up to that point I had never killed a Sue in my life (though you have no idea how many times I came this close.), and his accusations are completely unfounded. So now I've got a talking flower as my boss. *sigh* My life is really odd. Also I miss my Black Box. 'Least I've still got my Tesla...

My New Partner, Miss Nolórë, is a bit of a thorn in my side. Haughty and proud as any Noldo could be expected to be. Also, she's just no fun. Won't let me near any of her cool toys and she complains about my music constantly! Not to mention how she just ignores my obvious flirting. Not that I like her or anything, I do that with most women. Mostly, I try to avoid her when I can. Either that or try to get on her nerves.

So yeah, anyway, If I'm not on a mission you'll usually see me working on my computer or something. You know, making it better, I do that sort of thing. Techie stuff. Usually it's for the better, though there was that one incident with the killer toaster.... I don't really talk about it.

If I'm not responding to you check my ears. Headphones are probably in and I can't hear you. Listen to a lot of different stuff, mostly metal, but not always. Favorite bands: Battlelore, Blind Guardian, Sonata Arctica, Hammerfall, Omnia.

Well, it's been a pleasure, now if you don't mind there's a robotized i-pod walking around somewhere with a laser and an urge to kill. Don't ask.

Agent Ataralassië:
Agent Name: Ataralassië Nolórë
Race: Elf, Noldor.
Original Continuum: LotR/the Silmarillion
Object of Lust: She won't tell me!

*watches Naiton wander off. Shakes head.* He is more trouble than he is worth. Don not let him near anything you have a close attachment to.

So, you wish to know about me? What is there to say, really? I am a rather simple Nissi. I grew up in Tirion, of course. My family was in the service of the House of Fëanor. I could tell you about my life up until the Rebellion of the Noldor and our return to Endórë, though I imagine you would get bored rather quickly, it is perfect in Aman after all and while perfection is a wonderful state to live in, it- unfortunately- makes for a very poor story.

But, I shall tell you a few things I suppose. I had two younger sisters who could not seem to go a day without causing some kind of trouble for me. Somehow though, I managed to put up with them. Ammë once said I had “unending patience.” Considering that I put up with Naiton on a day-to-day basis, I am rather inclined to agree. I spent my free time either exploring and wandering or buried up to by neck in old lore books. I have always been a seeker of knowledge.

The Kinslaying. *sigh* The acts committed there are deeds that still haunt me. They are the one thing I will not speak of. I can still hear their cries sometimes, and at night, visions of that bloodshed still haunt me. Does it effect me when dealing with Sues? No more than dealing with an orc, perhaps even less. You cannot hesitate when dealing with such creatures. Though they wear the mask of a Child of Ilúvatar (usually), they are worse than the foulest demons of Morgoth.

So no, I do not let it effect me. I try not to at least. Naiton says I act cold sometimes. I respond by telling Naiton that he acts like an idiot sometimes. It all balances out in the end.

Shall we talk of something else now? Please? What is that you say? You wish to know how I came to be here? Very well then. Though you must promise not to laugh, you might aggravate that pride we Noldor are known for and then who knows what might happen? *is only joking...mostly...*

Now, we all know of the plot-holes and such that began to appear in Arda after the release of the Lord of the Rings movies? The fictions made by some of those authors warped the fabric of Eä so much that it created plot-holes back as far as the First Age.

I fell into one. Quite literally! I was was walking along and I er...just fell into it. Admittedly, I have always been rather absentminded. I do not really pay as much attention as I should to my surroundings. When I came out of the other side of the plot-hole I ended up here.

I wonder sometimes if it isn't the result of the Doom of the North. “On the House of Fëanor, The wrath of the Valar lieth from the West unto the uttermost East, and upon all that will follow them it shall be laid also.” and let's not forget this line: “To evil end shall all things turn that they begin well.”

Making Naiton my partner is most certainly an “evil end.” I am also considered one of the unluckiest Agents in this place. Shall we get into how many times I have nearly been shot, run over, hexed, Sued, and, in one instance, pushed into a Volcano? I do believe they are running bets over what turn my fate will take next.

*Shakes head.* Well, is that all? I- *hears a crash. Turns around. Face suddenly turns to a mask of rage.*

Enfret! What are you doing with my bow? *grabs sword and stalks off to the other room, where Naiton is.* What did I say about touching my things?

Except mine is a group of OCs and bit characters, called the EEC (Exterminators of the Enemies of Canon) that actually do go around killing Sues, but who accidentally mess up the canon even more in the process. I was planning on broaching the subject soon anyway... Based on the general reaction to yours, I think I'm okay introducing it, but official word on the subject would still be appreciated.
Me personally, I like the idea of AEIMS (although I'd imagine that they have a little less to do than the PPC; it's easier to Sue a canon universe than to make up an entirely new one to Sue). However, being new and not in any way official, you shouldn't take my word as PPC gospel.
Unless I'm quoting the Wiki, anyway. XD

... I'm going to express my support for this idea ;). Seriously, the number of Transdimensional Organisations has needed boosting for a while.

... in fact, how many are there? In the Canon Protection Initiative we have:

-The Protectors of the Plot Continuum (PPC)
-The Official Fanfiction Universities (OFUs)
-Jurisfiction
-The Interdimensional Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Elves (Ispace - oh dear)
-(Possibly) the Agency for the elimination and Isolation of Mary-Sues (AEIMS)
-(Defunct) the Department of Character Protective Services (DCPS - merged with the PPC proper)

... any others?

But then on the evil side we've got the League of Mary-Sue Factories and PPC Biotechnology Inc... and the Enforcers of the Plot Continuum (EPC) too, I suppose.

Seriously, there must be others. And the PPC should be interacting more with them (except Jurisfiction - they won't talk to us for copyright reasons).

hS

I mean, there are other organizations that are dedicated to sporking badfic out on the web, like the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Extermination Society. The PPC is aware of the ACMSES' existence (I think) but so far, there have been no crossovers between the two. I think it *might* be acceptable for the PPC to accept an "exterior" or freelance agent but I'm really not sure.

Out of sheer curiosity, can we get a character profile for your agent?

Yeah, it's not that good, I had to beat some of the rhymes into line with a wrench. I tried to filk 'Silent Night' and 'O Christmas Tree' because I hate them, but it didn't work. I tried to filk one of the only Christmas songs I do like, Paul Kelly's 'How to Make Gravy' but that one was too hard, so I resorted to the only other one I can think of that I like. The entire song's from the Sue's point of view, BTW, and her love is Legolas. (I don't even know why I did a LoTR Sue).

'Fairytale of Mirkwood', sung to the tune of The Pogues feat. Kirsty MacColl's 'Fairytale of New York'

It was Christmas Eve, babe
On the hillside
An agent said to me, won't see another one
And then he sang a song
‘How to Kill Sues’
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you

I was a lucky one
I played my cards right
I've got a feeling
My luck’s just run out
So Happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
But not without you

I’ve got eyes big as pies
You’ve got rivers of gold
And I get what I want
There’s no place for the old
When I first took you, love
On a cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Mirkwood was waiting for me

You were handsome
I was pretty
Queen of Mirkwood City
When I finished singing
They howled out for more
Thranduil was swinging
And the Fellowship were singing
We kissed at the castle
Then loved through the night

The boys of the old Mirkwood choir
Were singing "Born This Way”
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

You're a fool, I’m a punk
You know nothing of funk
Standing there with eyes glazed, so totally fazed
You scumbag, you traitor
I’ll not see you later
For Christmas is past,
And I know it’s my last

The boys of the old Mirkwood choir
Aren’t singing "Born This Way"
And the bells are ringing out
For Christmas day

I know I was someone
And not just anyone
I knew my dreams complete
When I first found you
I want to see them on
I want to have you back
I don’t want to die
But this Agent says I must

The agents of the PPC
Now singing ‘Kill the Sue’
And babe, there's no more time
For me and you

It's not great, but ah well. This was fun.

"Here Comes Mary-Sue" (to the tune of "Here Comes Santa Claus")

Here comes Mary-Sue
Here comes Mary-Sue
Right down fanfic-net lane
She's got pink hair and speshul eyes
To warp canon again
Bells are ringing, Sue is singing
Pop songs in Rivendell
Grab a sword and a charge list
And a candle, book, and bell.

Here comes Mary-Sue
Here comes Mary-Sue
Why aren't you impressed???
She's a rebel who'll dye her hair
And refuse to wear a dress!
Leggy falls for her "clever" "charms" -
What a sickening sight
Facepalm now, and take some Bleeprin,
For it will get worse tonight.

Here comes Mary-Sue
Here comes Mary-Sue
Tenth Walker supreme
A trained assassin, slaying ringwraiths,
Who has prophetic dreams!
Mary knows that she's a Maia
That makes everything right
Fill your hearts with vengeful cheer,
Cause Mary-Sue dies tonight.

Cause we'll kill the Sue tonight!

(To the tune of "Please, Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas". Written with Molly in mind, but could be any of the more troublesome nursery kids - change out "Uncle" for "Auntie" or whatever as necessary.)

Please, Uncle, do get drunk this Christmas
I don't want you to see me misbehave
Please, Uncle, do get drunk this Christmas
I don't want you to see me misbehave

Just last year I'd never had a Christmas
And I was fascinated, you could see
But you came home and caught me in your bedroom
Ripping up your lovely Christmas tree

Please, Uncle, do get drunk this Christmas
I don't want you to see me misbehave
Please, Uncle, do get drunk this Christmas
I don't want you to see me misbehave

Sometimes you come home all mussed up and swearing
Drinking something that begins with "Bleep",
And Brother and I notice when you drink it
Very soon you always fall asleep

Please, Uncle, do get drunk this Christmas
I don't want you to see me misbehave
Please, Uncle, do get drunk this Christmas
I don't want you to see me misbehave

(To the tune of "Let It Snow".)

Oh, the Mary Sue is so frightful
That her screams will be delightful
The canon's pleading, we know,
"Make it go, make it go, make it go!"

She doesn't show any right spelling,
And the plotholes leave us yelling
Does she punctuate either? No!
Make it go, make it go, make it go!

When she finally kisses her prey,
We can strike - how we loathe the wait!
But the chargelist needs writing today
Or a lecture we'll get, which we hate.

The Sue is finally dying,
With her gold some Bleeprin we're buying,
To erase the thoughts of her show,
Make it go, make it go, make it go!

Note: Sung to the tune of The Boar's Head Carol, which is a resounding and solemnish melody well-suited to people who are just a little bit full of themselves and exceedingly drunk. Here's a good example: http://youtu.be/9pj5BnQlMCk

I've done my best to amend the Latin, though not being fluent in it, it's questionable at best. I hope you'll write this off as the lingering influence of the item in question.

The Sue's head in hand bear I
Still dripping glitter from its maw
And I pray you, o agents, be merry
Quot estis in convivio (As many as are in the feast)

CHORUS
Caput bellum defero (The beautiful head I offer)
Redens laudes exigo (Giving praise to this conclusion)

The Mary Sue, as all understand
Says she is fairest in the land
So the head, bedecked with a fine garland
Let us now servire miror. (Serve with a smile)

CHORUS

O Sue, we here make show of thee
As reminder of our Duty
And on this day to be mocked is she
In flos loqueris atrio (In the talking flowers' hall)

CHORUS
. . . I put way too much thought into this.

Another little fail!filk I did.

An Agent got run over by a Sue
Walking from the HQ Christmas Eve
You can say there's no such thing as Sues
But as for the PPC, we believe

She'd been drinking too much Bleeprin
And forgot there was a Sue on the loose
But she'd left her weapons in her RC
So she walked out and the Sue ran her down like a moose

When they found her on Christmas mornin'
At the scene of the attack
There were heart marks stamped on her forehead
And incriminating sparkles on her back

An Agent got run over by a Sue
Walking from the HQ Christmas Eve
You can say there's not such thing as Sues
But as for the PPC, we believe

Now we're all so proud of her partner
She's been taking this so well
Killing of Sues by the dozens
And sending them off to Sue Hell

It's not Christmas without all the Agents
(She's still stuck in the hospital ward)
They don't really wonder what to do, though
They sent her things to make her un-bored

An Agent got run over by a Sue
Walking from the HQ Christmas Eve
You can say there's no such thing as Sues
But as for the PPC, we believe

Now roast Sue is sitting on the table
Chocolate pudding is being passed around
And it's already Christmas
(And the Agent's coming around)

We've warned all the other agents
Better watch out for yourselves
Because you never know when a Sue might escape
(Not to mention those cannibal elves)

An Agent got run over by a Sue
Walking from the HQ Christmas Eve
You can say there's no such thing as Sues
But as for the PPC, we believe.

"Christmas in Headquarters" by Phobos
Sung to the tune of "Christmas at Ground Zero" By "Weird Al" Yankovic

It's Christmas in Headquarters
There's swearing in the air
The consoles are beeping ‘cause the agents were all sleeping
While the Sue raid sirens blare

It's Christmas in Headquarters
The canon has been breached
And Mary Sue just has to do
An epic deathbed speech

Everywhere the f-bombs are a’dropping
It's the end of all our sanity
Into bed the characters are hopping
It's time somebody called the PPC

It's Christmas in Headquarters
There's a Ypur in the hall
We can cope with slash if we smile and bash
Our heads against the wall

Marquis de Sod (Spoken):
Well, your first mission is only a few hours away now.
I'm sure you're all looking forward to it.
Now go away.

You might see some squicky things on missions
Like Legolas molesting Aragorn
But if you stomach’s climbing up your throat then
You’d better get some Bleeprin for this porn

It's Christmas in Headquarters
And if the glitter saturation's okay
We will go fix all the geographical
Aberrations on New Year's Day

It's Christmas in Headquarters
Ten chapters left to go
I'll swear and curse at the horrible verse
Cause my Bleepka level’s low

It's Christmas in Headquarters
Now the agents are on their way
It will make you puke, while your brain gets nuked
On this jolly holiday

It will make you puke, while your brain gets nuked
On this jolly holiday!

To the tune of the Christmas hymn "A Day, A Day of Glory". In dedication to the Department of Floaters:

A day, a day of glory!
A day that ends our woes!
A day that tells of triumph
Against our vanquish'd foes!
Yield, summer's brightest sunrise,
To this December morn:
Open up your doors, ye Flowers
And let the Floaters come forth.

With Gloria in excelsis
Their fellows tell their mirth:
With Kyrie eleyson
Men answer upon the earth:
And badfic quakes in fear
As canon sounds its horn,
Open up you doors, ye Flowers,
And let the Floaters come forth.

They come, no praise desired;
They come, the pen, their sword;
Canon and logic, their masters
Which write and govern all:
Though none may know their birth place,
Their goals are for one and all:
Open up your doors, ye Flowers,
And let the Floaters come forth.

Then bar these gates, that henceforth
None thus may passage win,
Because these PPC Agents
Alone hath entered in:
No earth, no Words, no fiction
Their passage mark e'er more:
Open up your doors, ye Flowers,
And let the Floaters go forth!

Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away. Bella died and Jacob cried, Potter all the way.

Not my song, found it on dearblankpleaseblank and it's not a fanfic but ah well. :)

To be sung to the tune of 'Kidnap the Santa Claus' from 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'. I have had this idea since Halloween, where I was listening to the soundtrack and noticed that the words Sandy Claws could be substituted with Mary Sue.

It is slightly violent, but no more than the original.

Also, Saxo and James are my two new agents. I am writing on their first mission.

So, here goes:

[Mittens, James & Saxo]
Execute the Mary Sue

[James]
I wanna do it

[Saxo]
You got the Stu

[Mittens]
We can kill the Sue together

[James]
All at once

[Saxo]
Agents in leather

[Mittens]
We're out to get her

[Mittens, James & Saxo]
Wheeee
La, la, la, la, la

Kill off the Mary Sue, stab her with a knife
Twist it once or twice and then
watch her lose her life

[James]
First we're going to smack her hard
but that will only be the start
We will keep on doing it til
she can see both moon and star

[Saxo]
Wait! I've got a better plan
To kill this thief of Arwen's man
We'll throw her in the Cracks of Doom
Orodruin will be her tomb

[Mittens, James & Saxo]
Kill off the Mary Sue
Kick her in the head
Chop her with an axe
and just repeat until she's dead

[Mittens]
Then the Floating Hyacinth

[James & Saxo]
Will reallly have to take the hint
She'll be so pleased, she'll have to say

[Mittens, James & Saxo]
That we can take a holiday
Wheeee!

[saxo]
I say we should use the Balrog
Put her at its door
and then, call for it until it shows up
Mary Sue will be no more

[Mittens]
You're so stupid, think now
We will have to read the charges first
Otherwise it's simple murder

[James & Saxo]
And the free time bubble bursts

[Mittens, James & Saxo]
Kill off the Mary Sue
Drown her in a swamp
Midgewater will do just fine
There's so cold and damp

[Mittens & Saxo]
Because wangst and OOCness will really make us frown
If I were on a agent's list, I'd get out of town

[James]
Then to the cafeteria, yay

[Mittens]
To get the special of the day

[James & Mittens]
Perhaps they'll have their special brew

[Mittens, James & Saxo]
Of snake and spider stew
Ummm!

We're the flower's henchmen
And we do our jobs with pride
We do out best to please them
Abd stay on their good side

[Mittens]
I wish my brain weren't getting numb

[James]
This fic is awful

[Saxo]
It's so dumb

[James]
Kill it!

[Saxo]
Will do

[Mittens]
I've thought of something, pay attention
This one could really work, I'm sure
We just need something really cute
That we can use as bait to lure

The Sue away from Aragorn
And into Mirkwood on a tour

[Mittens, James & Saxo]
And with the help of giant spiders
Then her death we
will ensure

Kill off the Mary Sue, beat her with a stick
Thrown her out from Orthanc, she will fall just like a brick

Kill off the Mary Sue, Shelob wants a snack
Get behind her with a club, give her a good whack

Kill of the Mary Sue, she's not Strider's wife
We'll think of the perfect way to make short her life

Jingle bells
Exploding bells
Yelling all the way
Oh what fun
It is to kill
A Sue on Christmas Day!
HEY!
(repeat forever)

I don't even know.

A song for the Bad Slashers, set to the tune of "Merry Christmas Everyone", a very cheesy pop song from 1985, by Shakin' Stevens. I took a lot of liberties as regards fitting the words to the tune though. >.>


Canon's mending
All around me
Slashwraiths wailing
Then they're gone
Sam and Frodo
Not smexing for hurt/comfort
Hail the Slashers, ev'ry one!

Armed with big bells
And lots of hardbacks
Badslash fighters
They march on
Legolas is
Kissin' Aragorn again
How is canon so undone?

We're gonna exorcise the canon tonight
Gonna find those canon boys
Underneath the mistletoe
And set things all to rights

Snape is crying
Over Lily
All the cliches
We love to hate
Bits of Harry
We did not need to see
Won't Queen Anne's Lace
Pity me?

We're gonna exorcise the canon tonight
Gonna find those canon boys
Underneath the mistletoe
And set things all to rights

High King Peter
Molesting Edmund
What'd Aslan say
If he were here?
I don't think that
The Deep Magic covered this
Lucky we've got DBS here
Lucky we've got DBS here
Ooh, lucky we've got DBS here

William Turner
And Jack Sparrow
Just another
Day at sea
'Til they get whacked
With steel-encased DVDs
Neuralyse and
Get outta here!

Canon's mending
All around me
Slashwraiths wailing
Then they're gone
We stand ready
To face another bad slashfic
So hail the Slashers, ev'ry one!
Hail the Slashers, ev'ry one!
Hail the Slashers, ev'ry one!

1. No, don't post the entire fic elsewhere. If the writer took it down, then it should stay down. Complete the mission, but note that it's a deleted fic.
   
   2. Yes, jumping unnecessary and repetetive moments via Remote Activator (aka the "portal thingy") is very popular with Agents. Skip to the chargeable bits and save your Agents' sanity.
   
   3. If it's a LOTR canon-beta you're looking for, I could do it. That's one of my most favoured fandoms. You can get in touch with me at cassie.dramateacher AT googlemail.com if you'd like.

Thankfully, these are all questions I've dealt with before. So here we go...

1) Generally, it's seen as being in bad taste to reproduce a fanfic on the internet if it's been deleted. Trust me, I did it once, and it didn't really go over that well.

2) Yes. One of the great things about portals is that you can skip the less brain-killing moments and get to the meat of the action, and I think you'll find that some of us do it a lot.

3) I don't know if I can help you with a beta reader, but I know that July, Data, Nesh, Aster, or VM would be willing to help in this situation. Just ask around, and you should receive at some point.

Granted, I was loafing around and giving myself all the points possible. And then I remembered a conversation between my, ahem, love interest and I where he was like "flaws? I see no flaws".

I AM A MARY SUE SHE IS ME.

I'm a Non-Sue...

I scored 50 when I ignored the fact that the "character" was me. When I skipped those questions, I only got a 7.

I do not have sparkly blood, thank you very much! :P

37 to be precise.

Does anyone think the PPC count as organised crime?

I scored myself a 48! I'm just a plain old ordinary Mary Sue!

I am bland. I scored a 7 not counting the comparison to me things. 38 with the things that compare me to me.

Okay, I'm really that bland. (Not counting the comparison to me things.)

Counting author resemblance puts my score at 105, on the same test.

I had to restrain myself from lying about my hair/eye color... and my anime obsession... and getting good grades... at least I'm not sparkly.

Maybe I should embrace my Sue-ness and go as a Sue for Halloween next year.

And here I thought I was boring.

I, the great Marl Duothimir, conqueror of universes and devourer of breakfast cereals, have a score of... -3.

I think I did something wrong.

I didn't check any of the ones about sharing things in common with the author, though, or the high school stuff (I'm well out of high school).

I did kind of help a friend out of a nasty place in his life and then date him in high school, though, so yeah. That and I figured divorced parents count for an angsty childhood. >.>

I agree with Calista: characters just don't have the same amount of detail to their lives as real people do.

~Neshomeh

I attribute this to the fact that I have a number of nasty flaws and have screwed up massively in the past. Go me?

Scored a 32, borderline. Should it really count that I have the same taste in books as me?

Apparently, I scored a 48 on that test. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go hide from the Agents. *puts on sunglasses, activates neuralyzer* You never saw me. *leaves*

I feel both shame and wonder how high a score the average celebrity would get.

Probably because I thought "Well, I do have my own name. Well, I do share my own interests with myself. Well, I do have the same taste in books, films and music as myself."

I got a 36. Odd. Now to test all my other characters!

I get a 22. But that's only if I don't pick the answers that reflect the fact that the character I'm testing is myself--you know, same name, same taste in books, same career, that kind of thing. I gained some points for childhood trauma and being really good at school, looking younger than I am and being good at understanding animals. I wonder if I gained points for owning cats, or if it had to be an unusual pet?

If I added all the stuff that involved the character's similarity to me, it'd probably score Uber-Sue.

It does make me think though. A true self-insert--a real person, written into a story, rather than an idealized version of the author--would still score as a Sue, even though if they hadn't been based on the writer, they would be a pretty realistic character.

And then there's my own "borderline Sue" status, even though I'm a pretty average everyday kind of person. I think, maybe, it just comes from the way a real person is quite detailed and complex--more so than a fictional character. When you write a fictional character, you don't add every single detail about them, just the ones that are relevant. So, if I were a fictional character, the fact that I look younger than I am or won the school spelling bee mightn't even be mentioned, because it wouldn't be relevant. But, since I'm not, I know all those little details, and some of them are Suvian traits.

Maybe part of writing a Sue is just giving the character too many traits, period. You give her a beautiful face even though her beauty isn't driving the story; you give her powers she never really uses; you make people love her even though it wouldn't matter to the plot whether they did. The character gets cluttered with traits that she doesn't need to have and that don't need to be mentioned.

Everything you write about a character should drive the story. For the Sue, that's the other way around--the story is just there to show off the Sue.

...including you and me."

(Credit, of course, to Neal Stephenson, bastardized though the quote is.)

I got a 92. *cough* I... don't even know how. I blame highschool!VM.

Somebody de-glitter this Boarder!

I scored a 34 on the test. I should work to de-Sueify myself...

Congratulations! Your piece was really good, and I can't wait to read the mission.

In the RP, I was excited to see that Frédéric was in FicPsych, and I'm glad that there will be a new nurse in the department. ^^ I'm curious about when exactly the family joined up, since this, set in 2008, pretty much only contains characters that had names at the time. Did your guys join after that?

Also, feel free to put up a little bio of Frédéric <a href="http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/FicPsychPersonnel">here.

I'm thinking of adding another section for each nurse's style (e.g., Mirrad is more spiritual, Elms kinda works like a barman or that good buddy you tell things over beer, Jenni gets into people's heads and pokes buttons, etc.), so I'm curious about how he works, and how he'll get along with everyone else.

... I'm super excited. ^_^

~Neshomeh, who hasn't seen a new FicPsych agent with a name and everything that wasn't hers since Nurse Barker, and his writer hasn't been around for a while.

First of all, I love the fact that your agent will be in Intel. Those guys need all the help they can get.

The writing sample, though not humorous, was well written. I feel bad for that guy, and want to know more about his story, before and after this event.

Keep up the good work.

-Phobos

I believe I have the perfect trump card to this argument on if Eragon is a Stu or not.

When I was at Comic Con two years ago I saw Paolini speak. There he admitted that Eragon is a Gary Stu.

If you can't believe the author, then who can you believe?

As I see it (and this is my basis for the new definition on the Mary Sue page), the main thing that makes a Sue or Stu is that other characters don't react to the Stu in ways that make sense, and neither does the Stu behave in ways that make sense. "Sense" is relative, but it takes into consideration the reasonable expectations of the reader and the rules of the world set up by the author.

To use the swordsmanship example, if the rules were that anyone in Inheritanceverse could pick up a stick and learn to be a master swordsman in a couple of weeks, then it wouldn't be Stuish; however, not anyone can do that. Only Eragon can, because he is speshul. It's not really the what that make a Stuish trait (becoming a master swordsman), but the how (doing it in a ridiculously short time when no one either in the real world or the fictional one can do the same).

If Eragon had to work for his success, he wouldn't be a Stu; however, these things are all handed to him on a silver platter of plot contrivance. It makes him boring, as doctorlit noted, and it makes him a Stu.

~Neshomeh

I only read the first book because I found it really boring. The setting was boringly generic, and most of the characters felt like vaguely-described fanfic characters. Eragon is the most boring of all, and gets the most screen time, which is probably why he feels so Suish.

Personally I did and do enjoy the Eragon books for one main reason. I am easy to entertain and they weren't badly written. What I mean is the wording, grammar, use, descriptions, and the actual world itself is actually fairly entertaining.

Yes I have ready many books far superior to the series, but its still enjoyable even if he is a Gary Stu. Admittedly there is some excuse for how much stronger he is over the norm by dint of being a "dragon rider" who are supposed to be powerful due to their very nature, but just by being the last dragon rider, that is also a Stu trait, or so I think. I could be wrong on that last.

I do think that Eragon is a Stu, but I'm of the opinion that, if well written, Stu's and Sue's can actually enhaance a storyline. Depressingly, these are very rare, but I suppose Eragon falls into this category.

Irrelevently, I tried to write an intentional Stu for a JuNoWriMo once. It failed epicly. He ended up one of the most flawed characters I've ever had.

That skill with fighting? He learned it in days, if not hours. It has been some time since I read the first book. And only that. He also gained the full ability to read and write within an even shorter period of time.

The fact that only major threats are threats at all is a problem.

He starts off the story with no real ties, let alone concerns about what happens to the others, or what might occur. This is self centered behavior, and a common trait of a Sue or Stu.

Arrogance and self considered superiority is still a Stu/Sue trait.

The story is focused- to unfair and ludicrous degrees- on Eragon and his accomplishments, which are completely out of balanced with what should and ought be considered possible by a single character in his home verse. His accomplishments cannot be- and are not- duplicated by anyone else beyond the characters who have been, quite randomly, chosen to be his villains and opposites.

Reconsider the behavior and actions of Galbatorix- who, if I remember rightly, is the ruler. He keeps the land in a state of stability, and moderates it. Law is provided. Things are done to keep unlawlessness and what results from it to a minimum. In many considerations, he has the area kept in a state where he is indicating that his rule is a successful one.

We don't see anything that tells us he is an evil ruler. We are only told it to ensure that Eragon, as the hero, has a villain to fight against.

These are off the top of my head. I haven't read them for about eight years now, and not interested in doing so. If you like, I can link Kippur's excellent sporkings of the whole series which tells you exactly how it is one of the most terribly written and hackneyed stories and poorly made worlds of fantasy in this last decade.

Don't let the Hyacinth be too hard on Fritz (and Silas).

That was a sweet little story. I like that the Hyacinth wasn't a complete hardball in it. Fritz could have an interesting relationship with his mom from here on out . . .

I especially like Helena's no-nonsense attitude.

I know this is completely off-topic, but may I please include a cameo your agents Narain and Snapshot for the Intelligence spinoff I'm currently writing? There won't be any interaction between my agent and your characters, just a passing mention.

That was a really sweet interlude, and quite interesting as well. It was kinda sad to see that Fritz's family has split so far apart. Well, at least Fritz had Christmas with his mom, and with a canon character to boot.

Also, it was kinda sweet that Applejack was there. *fistpumps*

What ... is this? Is it a trollfic? Is it a serious attempt at writing gone horribly, HORRIBLY wrong?

No matter - it's got to go!

This is one of the most terrible monstrosities I've ever read in my entire existence, and I read Fanfic Friday on Topless Robot and they have some pretty bad stuff!

What was this person thinking?! The crossovers make no sense, the terms are spelled wrong in so many absolutely stupefying ways! Please, for the love of the Emperor, someone tell me this is a crackfic, trollfic, but please don't let this be an actual attempt at writing a good story!

*Huddles in a corner, trying to gouge out his eyes.*

Hands over a chest of Bleeprin-related alcoholic products.

Pokémon + Nobunaga's Ambition will be a canon AU, like Marvel Zombies or the musical adaptation of Wicked. (Pokémon is hardly a stranger to alternate canons itself, what with the games, anime and manga all having different characters and events.) The Mewtwo in this new game will probably be a different Mewtwo than the ones that have appeared previously—if it gets any backstory at all. I suspect the Pokémon are just being thrown in as fan candy to draw attention to a less popular game series.

The PPC recognizes all published canons, even ones we don't necessarily enjoy or "believe" in. *coughTwilightcough*

I really liked both interlude and mission. The Fisherman surely has the same luck The Doctor has about ending up in odd places.

And... Cybernetic pidgeons? Really?

The mission felt a bit short, but tthen that was how the fic was too, so I'm not going to complain too much about that. It was a fun mission, though, and I'm hoping to see more of the other person who was there.

And yeah, any fic that twists the mentor/student relationship out of control doesn't do it for me with MLP:FiM, so...

As for the interlude, that was also fun. :D

Fun reads! I especially liked the interlude. We need more "adventures in HQ" stories. The mission maybe could have been a bit longer, but I guess it had already been in progress, and the main problem with it was prominent anyway. I didn't get the talk about Arume, since I don't watch anime; you maybe could have gone into more detail there for the unenlightened.

I'm calling troll because of the spelling. That, and there's really no background to the plot. Go ahead.

That was an excellent mission. It felt a lot like the older LotR missions from Jay and Acacia's time. And how awesome that one of the Original Series' minis got to make a guest appearance!

I was hoping the actual Black Riders would figure in Roselyn's demise, but I liked your assassination even better! Especially the actual ending. Brilliant.

*climbs on the Feeling Old wagon*

(No, I'm not joking. "Fellowship of the Ring collector's set," featuring: Bilbo, Frodo, Sam, Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Gollum. I facepalmed.)

But wow. This sorta puts a timeline in perspective. To LotR! To Tolkien! To Peter Jackson, even! To Miss Cam, to Jay, to Acacia, and to Boz4pm, wherever they all may be! *toasts flagon*

*raises glass*
To the Fellowship of the Ring! To Peter Jackson! To the entire production team of the movies! To J.R.R. Tolkien and everybody else involved in the creation of Middle Earth and Arda!

No way. I could NOT have been nine when it came out. Ye gods. *can't tell whether she feels old or young now*

But in a good way, I guess. I was sixteen then. I'm glad I'm not sixteen and in high school anymore. >.>

The Lord of the Rings trilogy has taught me in so many different ways, I can't even begin to count. I just know my life would be completely different by now if not for the books, the movies, and all the various fanfic. I wouldn't have my current job, for starters, since the person who got me the interview is a fellow PPCer, and I certainly wouldn't be here without LotR. That's enough to be going on with.

Hurrah for a new DTE mission! I can't read it right now, but I'm looking forward to it! {= D

~Neshomeh

LET'S PARTY! (Blows into party horn) Who's got the lembas?

Ten years!?! Makes me feel so old.

*joins in the toast, raising a flagon of fine 1420 beer!*

Elcalion, celebratory

I'll be honest, if it weren't for fanfic I probably wouldn't have gotten into LotR, and if it weren't for LotR and the Silmarillion I probably wouldn't be writing fanfic.

*joins others and raises a glass of Dorwinion's finest red.* To the Fellowship!

Loved the celebratory fic, by the way. The Sue's death, it was beautiful. Never thought I'd be cheering for Sauron, but there ya go!

Ye gods, I was only thirteen! Now I feel old. XD

*grabs a glass of finest Dorwinion wine and raises it high* To the Fellowship!

*finds cake and sets it out, because no celebration is complete without cake*


The celebratory mission is made of awesome. I giggled all the way through. Excellent job!

I'd like to quote what Araeph said when he shot down my Permission request:
"Also: we PGs are not trying to make you miserable, honest. I know I'm a harsh critic, but that doesn't mean I don't want you on the Board, or that you don't have anything to contribute here. The fact that we're going over your work so thoroughly means that it's worth taking the time to consider."
So don't get too down-trodden, exarion. Try and improve yourself; also, you can ask for help in the PPC's IRC channel, most of the people there are very nice and willing to help.

Okay, to begin with the agents themselves: You have an agent from a terrifyingly overpowered race, which Wikipedia tells me are super intelligent and are learn-all to know-all types. This does not give me great confidence, and goes somewhat crosswise to the general idea of ordinary- or at least not super special- agents. Especially given Lovecraft. If anyone else reads this who is more familiar with Lovecraft's mythos and this particular species, I'd like you to chime in here as to this agent and their viability because I, personally, am not sure of this one working well at all.

Your second agent appears to be all of six years old, sets all the things on fire, and given your character description, does not seem to be controllable in the least.

The age factor makes me- and probably most others- uneasy. The lowest age I've seen for a field agent is twelve or thirteen. Youngest agent I've seen at all was eleven or so, and she was not a field agent at all. This is, of course, going with apparent age/acted age. (Ilraen, for example, doesn't count.) Your badfic linked has sex in it. You're pairing that with the intent of having an apparent six year old as an agent to take part in killing it. The reasons why this is a bad idea and will make many, if not all people here uncomfortable should be clear.

Second point: Setting all the things on fire is her thing? Okay. Is there anything else? Apparently not. 'Sets everything on fire' is not a character trait. Well, pyromania is a character trait, but it doesn't make for a character.

Third point, and possibly the one that needs to be elaborated on the most: She cannot be controlled. This is not a good thing. This is not a 'oh, this is so funny!'. This is the point where one wonders why she is still around. PPC agents might rail against the establishment, or they might dislike the Flowers, or they might hate their partner, but they are able to be check in check under normal situations.

I was reading the Christmas party RP, and I noticed your posts. Kasaiko, you made evident, has no sense of self control and cannot be controlled even under normal circumstances. (You also godmoded to ensure that, and make it clear.)

This character would make a terrible agent because she has no personality traits whatsoever, does not work with the PPC because of the issue with control, and would make people feel distinctly uncomfortable at best, and like utter scummy creeps at worst, and also have the potential for getting people in severe trouble due to the combination of what is in fics and her apparent age.


Now, to move on to the writing sample.

This is bad writing.

Your sentences have no structure at all; let's take this first paragraph you gave us.

Ekaes, a lady of the wind, and small so, again flew from her home in the high peaks of Celara, because the earth rumbled about her, and so she thought that a fourth war had come. She possessed little, so she flew away unencumbered. Ekaes was always flying somewhere, moving as often as someone of the flame, though she had not fire’s courage. Indeed, moving without purpose was common for the people of the wind, but when the third war was beginning, she fled from the old world, and so she survived.

This is purple prose. These sentences have little, if any, grammatical structure behind them. This whole paragraph has me utterly baffled as to how you are trying to say this that I'm not even sure how to say it's wrong besides that it is wrong.

The rest of the sample fares even worse- there are outright contradictions and things that make no sense. "Even though the people of the wind wore light clothing, because thicker clothes would merely weigh these small people down, Ekaes felt the heat." Thin clothing does not stop heat from reaching you.

I could- and probably should- continue, but it is past two AM and I have work.

Also, fire does not need to be in all capitals.

Permission not granted.

Welcome to the PPC, Aile. Give me a moment to roll out the welcome cake. It's made with chocolate and cheap liquor.

And it's always nice to see another SRW fan.

Welcome to the club! Have this chocolate cactus in welcome! Don't eat it, feed it to a Sue and watch the taipan venom within do its dreadful work. *evil grin*

Hi, have some fudge!

And for that, I will share you the site's link that I've went into. Since most of us are probably too traumatized with what we see in the internet all day that our brains are adapting to frequent mind rapes, I'll just give you the link on the said site. But first:


BE WARNED! YOU WILL BE ENTERING THE UNCANNY ZONE, NO TURNING BACK NOW! YOU MUST BE 18+ AND WILLING TO LET GO OF THE COMMON KNOWLEDGE ABOUT MYTHICAL AND MAGICAL BEINGS AS WELL RELATIONSHIP AND LOGICAL BOUNDARIES BETWEEN HUMANS AND MONSTERS WHILE IN BROWSING SITE!

http://www.monstergirlunlimited.com/forum/


You will need a lot of Bleeprin after going in there if you didn't like what you have seen and read. The good thing about the fandom is that the plot of the entire set-up is almost undetermined and the canon is more of a guide and less of a story, making fanfic writing about it easier (depends on the writer). Bad thing however is that it revolves on the Id personality.

Anyway, good luck and have fun browsing the site that I've shared.

Greetings, new friend! Have some Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder.

Have a Random Shiny Object, and some Bleeprin. *stabs trolls*

Welcome to the Board! Here, have some chocolate won't you? Also, it appears we have a minor troll problem... (Stabs one)

Welcome to the madness! *shoots passing troll with EMP gun*

Have this hovering Christmas tree! Just don't try to water it, I'm still cleaning up after the time I did that...

Ooh, if you're going to the Cafeteria, be sure to try the custard... ignore the fact that it looks like molten scenery from Twilight. For that matter, ignore the fact that it is molten scenery from Twilight.

Thank you for welcoming me into the fold.

I can't help to notice the fact that I have a Doppelganger already and saying "LOL phail harder". I thought my account got hacked by someone and changed my password immediately.



Anyway, I also found a strange fandom about monster girls (not Touhou). I won't talk about the site nor share the links to protect your sanity, find it youself.

I checked out their fanfic forum and I'll give them credit on being good at writing and great at killing Sues and Stus.

Here, have some troll repellant. It also does a reasonable job of preventing 1% critical hits from killing your characters and countering mech spam.

Hi!

I also happen to be an avid gamer! I think a lot of the people here are too. I love Final Fantasy IV and VI as well, but I've only ever played the DS version of IV.

In any case, have some rainbow pudding!

Please ignore the other person down there claiming to be me, that's a troll.

Anyway, Welcome! Good to have you here. Another history lover huh? Awesome! For your welcome gift I present to you this genuine psudo-antique, semi-magical, egyptian-roman-celtic artifact of POWER! Don't worry, It perfectly safe...I think...

And look, it's a Fire Emblem fan! Sweet!

*fistbump*

Well, I'm a former FE fan, but hey, it's nice to see more Fire Emblem people enter the fold!

Here, have some Monteverdi for the road: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQCOr8UiS7I

Welcome to the group! I certainly hope you enjoy your time here.
I'd give you something, but I'm afraid all of my welcome gifts were eaten by a pack of rabid beavers. Fierce beasts, them.

Welcome to the PPC! Have some hydrophobic water. It's more entertaining than a lava lamp, guaranteed!

I present to you a bag of plastic, polyhedral, random-number generators. Use them wisely.

One small point before I go: We are anti-bad writing. That covers a wonderfully awful range of things from Mary Sues to poorly written crossovers, bad slash, and everything in between. Feel free to explore the Wiki to see what sort of horrors you can find. The world is your bi-valve mollusk, as they say.

Also, try not to breathe if you find yourself in the kitchen. And don't ask too many questions about what is in the pots, especially if someone is hitting said pot with a spoon and saying, "get back in there! Get back in that pot, you." Just saying...

Thank you Admin!

The Nameless Admin is about, and all that.

Must be a pissed off author of a recently sporked badfic.


*talks to nameless troll like a little child*

Hello nameless troll... My name is Aile Harper... I'm a newcomer here... And you are... A complete failure... And a fecking... Noob... Have fun... Trolling...


But I guess the nameless troll won't understand what I've just said since all he can understand is 1337 and has a mentality of a spoiled brat.

All we can do is ignore him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCbfMkh940Q

I love that quote so much.
Jokes aside, "Keep calm and Carry on". It's only a voice over the internet.

that because this is an old board it is just some clowns going from board to board on the hosting service to extract lulz. They don't know who we are or care.

It's a pretty poor attempt, anyway. The whole point of trolling is to get a rise out of others but all I can say in this post is that I seriously feel bad for them and hope their lived improve. This is all kind of pathetic and pitiful.

It is indeed quite annoying. Fortunately, though, we do have some recourse in the form of the Nameless Admin, who will no doubt deal with it as soon as s/he has time. Meanwhile, I suggest we all go about our business as normally as possible. Don't Feed the Trolls, after all.

~Neshomeh