Sep 2011 Archive, part a

Hi, have some fudge?

Which version of D&D do you play? I gave up when they started talking about the 3.5 to 4 change.

Hi Nord!

Have a Holy Hand Grenade (not to be used near rabbits)

Have some Bleepka, your two cents, and a Dramatic Thunderclap.

You're new? Seriously? Huh. I'm also a newbie.

Welcome to the Board! Here, have some chocolate, and enjoy your stay!

Great to see another Dragon Age fan. We really cant get to many of those.
Have some dwarf bread and some spiced rum (can be exchanged for a non-alcoholic beverage, in case you don't drink)!

I don't really know you like the others seem to, but hey anyway. Have a stapler, good for putting up wanted posters.

Hey, I know you from IRC! Hullo there! Have a green textbook cover.

Official welcome, old friend! Have an old laptop, like, slightly shotgunned!

Welcome to the Board! Please deposit your sanity in the provided receptacle. *indicates bucket marked "Warg Fodder"* You shan't need it here.

This one here is a Fallout/Dragon Age crossover called The Knight of the Wastes. Here's the quote from the Unclaimed Badfic page on the wiki:

Canon disruptions? Check. Improper use of spelling and grammar? Check. Misuse of magic? Check. A poorly-written F!Lone Wanderer/Alistair? Yep! Thankfully, it's about two chapters long, but watch out for paragraphs that are about half a page long.

is this, I don't even. . .
Why?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Why is Rose traveling back at 143? Why does she swear so much? Why,as Hermione's daughter, would she have such horrible grammar?
WHY? WHY? WHY?
Imma gonna go into my sad corner now.

what is this i don't even...

Because some don't like it when Harry is hooked up with Ginny. Others are either stupid or just doesn't know how to write a good story, SPaG or other stuff.

I agree, this needs to die. I mean, the grammar is atrocious-if you're going to do paragraphs in the middle of a monologue for the ENTIRE CHAPTER, do it right!-and there was all that crap about Snape...urgh. That's it, I'd like to claim it.

Well, I read the fic, and while there are serious indicators that this is a Suefic (first chapter is essentially a description of Miku and her backstory, she's a relative of a canon character, she "looks like a rebel" but is actually "sweet, nice, sometimes shy"), she's barely in the second chapter, so we don't know how the canon characters react to her. It's probaby a Suefic, but too early to spork.

I was able to translate some of it, and yes, it's very, very bad. The name is only the beginning. But really, I don't feel comfortable enough with my french to translate it all. I send out my prayers to anyone who attempts it.

It's really short, only two short chapters long, so there's not a lot to work with, but... well, here you go.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7330409/1/La_niece_de_John_Watson

My French is okay, so I might be able to decipher it. Alternately, you might be able to get an idea using Google Translate or something like that. Either way...the name definitely raises a red flag.

Miku... Miyazaki? ...I don't think that's a name you'd find in Sherlock Holmes... well, maybe unless she was a traveler from Japan, but I really doubt that...

I can't really help with the French, my knowledge of it is patchy at best, but... the name Miku Miyazaki is eerily similar to that of a character from a webcomic called the Order of the Stick - Miko Miyazaki. If you find someone who can help translate, letus know more? I know it's shaky evidence, but that just screams crossover.

But oh god, poor Fiver.
I pity both your agents and the bunnies.

And we thought they were annoying enough when they stayed dead!

Nice job. Watership Down is one of my all-time favorite books, and one of the most appealing aspects of it is the very obvious non-human nature of the protagonists. Rather than being anthropomorphized animals, they're quite simply animals. Sure, some liberty is taken with giving them a language and more culture than they have in reality, but they are definitely not humans, and that is the charm of the book--it lets you read about people who are very different from anything you are likely to encounter, without confusing you with their alien nature. To read a story where someone turned them into furry humans would justifiably enrage anyone!

Good first kill, interesting agents, etc., etc.

I should have put this in the main post, but I didn't, so I'm putting it here.

Anyway.

Loot:
Nothing, unfortunately.

Minis:

1 (1) mini-Woundwort ('the Thereah')

I laughed so hard at the colorzapper sequence. And I like your Agents, too. If all your next mission will be as funny as this one, you've gained a regular reader.

I felt it took a bit to get really into it, but once you got into the jist of things it was hilarious. Grace and Ally play off each other very well, and with them I especially liked how Ally would get so clueless at some of Grace's pop culture references.

So the mission itself is good. =D

Now, for posting the mission, it's customary to put a list of the minis and the loot you've collected when you post the mission on the board. Nothing wrong with making a new post to cover that now, but just keep it in mind for future reference.

What an utterly pointless fic. Good to see it go.

I'm such a sucker for genderbent stories, and Hemlock and Dee make me d'awwww :) glad to see more!

1) You mean like as a sort of 'observing the newbie in the field to make sure they don't freak out' or something like that? I don't see any problem with it, so long as you work it out with whomever it was that created the observing agent (unless it's an NPC like Lux or something.)

2) 'Bot character' ...I'm guessing you misspelled 'bit' there. But yes, bit characters can be recruited as agents. Technically, one of my agents was a bit character herself. If you actually did mean 'bot characters' as in 'characters who are robots,' then that isn't a problem either. We have several AI agents already. Oh, and it's FicPsych, not FieldPsych.

Hope this helps!

Thanks for all the help, everyone. I think I know what to do now. *hugs*

I left a review on it about two years ago. It looks like he actually made some of the changes I suggested, too.

Still doesn't fix the canon-breakiness, unfortunately. Nobody in their right mind would give fire-lizard eggs to candidates/new weyrlings. {X P

Regarding the non-canon Weyrs, as Cassie says, it just depends on what works best for your mission. Two of them don't really make an appearance, so I'd personally be comfortable just letting the canon annihilate them as it snaps back, but the one the story is set in may need more extensive action (read: burning).

As for the OC, if you're talking about "Lisa," I'd let it slide in this case. I think he just missed correcting it to Lesa, or forgot. If he'd done it more than once, it would still be fair game in my book, but just once is an honest mistake that anyone could make.

To reiterate, though, it's your mission, so do whatever works best/is funniest. {= )

~Neshomeh

1. While I don't know the canon that well, it sounds to me like you're dealing with geographical aberrations - geography that doesn't exist in canon. If you were to ask for the advice of the Department of Geographical Aberrations, they would generally say to burn or explode the Weyrs. (There is a reason they're also known as the Pyros. :P) They are very large, Weyrs, aren't they? Like mountains?
   
   If you'd rather take a more peaceful approach, the Weyrs should disappear once the world-warping Sue/Stu is out of the picture. Though if the Weyrs are defined enough by the words, instead of being just vague "these are Weyrs, now let's get to the action!", they may not melt away so easily and you might have to resort to the first approach mentioned above. It's up to you how hard these things are to eliminate and how you go about it, but the two main choices are what I mentioned.
   
   2. Again, this one is your choice. Either nothing can happen, or you can get a mini-OC, or you can get what looks like a mini of the canon except it's pink and sparkly. Or you can invent your own description.
   
   
   Really, writing for the PPC is about choice; there's no "correct" way to deal with things, just approaches that have been tried before, found effective and used again. People are always coming up with new ideas. Given the Agents have such a heavy workload and equipment that's very prone to malfunctioning, things are often made up on the fly out of necessity.

She appears to be a normal princess except she dresses like a sorceress witch, her eyes can find the weak spot of any foe and her hair is golden and she wears it just like sailor moon, but secretly she is actually a half-catgirl.
She is an interdimensional traveler created to be the next step in mankind's evolution and she will fight her enemies with the power to summon meteor strikes by playing on a magical flute or to impale people on her dick.
Her friends and enemies call her Soulfur Riverbreath!
Her constant companion is a living amorous cat who is also one of her failed experiments.
Her favored weapon is a magical freezing flamethrower which will automatically protect her friends.

...she's a girl. She should not have male parts. *shakes head*

"She appears to be a normal woman except she dresses like a sorceress elf, her eyes reflects your soul when you look into them and her hair is brown and sparkles in bright light, but secretly she is actually a half-pixie.
She is a megalomaniac raised by wild animals and she will fight her enemies with the power to seduce any mortals or to corrupt demons.
Her friends and enemies call her Mysterylover Riverbird!
Her constant companion is a sparkling invisible neckbearded man who is also her superior officer.
Her favored weapon is a poisoned steam-powered rapier which makes anyone hit with it her slave."
This website is Comedy Gold, good sir!

"She appears to be a normal student except she dresses like a foxgirl monk, her eyes are multifaceted and her hair is five different shades of red and is so flexible and strong that a single hair can be used to make bowstrings, but secretly she is actually a half-fire-elemental.
She is a lost time-traveler working for the church and she will fight her enemies with the power to seduce any mortals or to eat demons.
Her friends and enemies call her Lightcreator Skytree!
Her constant companion is a enslaved brain washed fertility goddess who is also a figment of her imagination.
Her favored weapon is a burning legendary knuckle dusters which will appear in her hands when she calls it."

...now I want to write that. Just to see.

She appears to be a normal journalist except she dresses like a punk rock skateboarder, her eyes can see people's chakra flow and her hair is crimson red and is worn in large spikes, but secretly she is actually a half-catgirl.
She is a holographic projection in search of true love and she will fight her enemies with the power to corrupt mortals or to absorb enemies into her body.
Her friends and enemies call her Dayhammer Candyblossom!
Her constant companion is a flying young dog who is also secretly in love with her.
Her favored weapon is a conscious poisoned dagger which can be made invisible at her will.

It's...not actually as self-contradictory as a lot of them.

"She appears to be a normal lawyer except she dresses like a gestapo officer construction worker, her eyes reflects your soul when you look into them and her hair is rainbow colored and flows like silk but is stronger then diamond, but secretly she is actually a half-slimegirl.
She is a megalomaniac who is the last of her kind and she will fight her enemies with the power to take the shape of anyone she ...s or to charge into battle riding specially trained battle-retards.
Her friends and enemies call her Dragontits Deathspring!
Her constant companion is a angsty young werewolf who is also her father.
Her favored weapon is a adamantium legendary whip which makes anyone hit with it her slave."

...Dragontits? That's a new one.

She appears to be a normal mechanic except she dresses like a gangsta schoolgirl, her eyes reflects your soul when you look into them and her hair is rainbow colored and is long and straight, but secretly she is actually a half-android.
She is a space traveler travelling through time and she will fight her enemies with the power to re-animate the dead as her slaves or to connect any machine directly to her brain.
Her friends and enemies call her Dragonbeast Cherrybreath!
Her constant companion is a amorous mysterious zombie who is also her means of transport.
Her favored weapon is a blessed shining chainsaw which is covered in rare gems.

...Weird enough for ya?

She appears to be a normal sumo wrestler except she dresses like a pirate shaman, her eyes are multifaceted and her hair is crimson red and is surrounded by a dark aura, but secretly she is actually a half-foxgirl.
She is a secret agent created by Nazi scientists during World War II and she will fight her enemies with the power to eat vampires or to gain someone's strengths by eating their brain.
Her friends and enemies call her Shadowlover Unicornbranch!
Her constant companion is a over-analytical over-analytical super saiyan who is also her mentor.
Her favored weapon is a poisoned steam-powered poleaxe which can be made invisible at her will.

I... what...

She appears to be a normal nun except she dresses like a elf witch, (I doubt elf witches dress like nuns, so I doubt she appears like a nun) her eyes glows (sic) with arcane power and her hair is white and is short cut, but secretly she is actually a half-zombie.
She is the leader of a ninja clan devoted to the gods of chaos and she will fight her enemies with the power to impale people on her dick or to transform into a dragon. (A hermafrodite half-zombie who can shape shift into a dragon? I think we passed Sue and went straight into TROLL territory.)
Her friends and enemies call her Sparkleender Skyviolator! (SS for short.)
Her constant companion is a murderous mysterious Space Marine who is also secretly in love with her.
Her favored weapon is a blessed ancient sniper rifle which shines bright like the sun. (I like these last two bits. I could work with those. Can I has a few more goes on the machine till I can mix and match a Sue I can work with? )

She appears to be a normal teacher (A normal teacher? I never had one of those.) except she dresses like a J-pop star mad scientist, (I really hope she covers "She Blinded Me with Science" frequently) her eyes can find the weak spot of any foe and her hair is navy blue and she wears it like an afro, but secretly she is actually a half-werewolf. (When the full moon rises, her legs are transformed into those of a monstrous hound. You could also correctly refer to her as a merwolf.)

She is the daughter of the president with a mysterious past and she will fight her enemies with the power to summon the angel of war or to corrupt mortals. (That seems kind of redundant. The angel of war ought to be able to corrupt mortals all on its own. Why would the Sue have to do it herself?)

Her friends and enemies call her Peacegirl Heavyviolator! (Peacegirl, summoner of the angel of war. That does strike me as a heavy violation.)

Her constant companion is a murderous friendly dog (So it...what?) who is also her guardian angel. (That makes "murderous friendly" an even more confusing contradiction.)

Her favored weapon is a conscious bio-mechanical katana which will imprison anyone damaged by it in a parallel dimension. (This is the most normal thing yet.)

She appears to be a normal girl except she dresses like a mad scientist foxgirl, her eyes are surrounded by tiny ice crystals because they are so cold and her hair is navy blue and changes color depending on her mood, but secretly she is actually a half-unicorn.
She is a living time-bomb devoted to the gods of chaos and she will fight her enemies with the power to make puppies appear anywhere or to chew through any metal.
Her friends and enemies call her Magictits Featherstar!
Her constant companion is a befriended special needs zombie who is also a projection of her evil self.
Her favored weapon is a holy magical rapier which strikes fear into the heart of evildoers.

She appears to be a normal teacher except she dresses like a vampire skateboarder, her eyes are so kind that she can soothe wild animals with a glance and her hair is black with streaks of white and is short cut, but secretly she is actually a half-slimegirl.

WTF is a half-slimegirl?

She is the last of her kind from another planet and she will fight her enemies with the power to absorb enemies into her body or to turn anyone she bites into a unicorn.

Her friends and enemies call her Starbeast Soulsong!

Her constant companion is a young sparkling faerie who is also her father.

Erm... I'm not even going to touch that one...

Her favored weapon is a poisoned bio-mechanical javelin which is covered in glowing runes.

Is it bad that I kind of want this weapon?

She appears to be a normal princess except she dresses like a elf raver, her eyes can see better then an eagle and her hair is colored like peacock feathers and can be used as a whip, but secretly she is actually a half-lizardwoman.
She is the leader of a ninja clan raised by wild animals and she will fight her enemies with the power to puke acid or to grow huge claws on her fingers and toes.
Her friends and enemies call her Magicmistress Dragonegg!
Her constant companion is a catatonic murderous fox who is also her legal guardian.
Her favored weapon is a freezing burning whip which will imprison anyone damaged by it in a parallel dimension.

( ... )

A Random Mary Sue Generator...

THE MARY SUE FACTORY IS RUNNING AGAIN.

*is rightfully shot before an Emergency can happen!*

She appears to be a normal girl except she dresses like a princess shaman, her eyes are so intense that she can frighten demons with a stare and her hair is jade green and full of neon-colored extensions, but secretly she is actually a half-android.
She is a goddess cast down to earth to become mortal born from a scientific experiment gone wrong and she will fight her enemies with the power to extend her tongue and use it as a razor-sharp whip or to call for a precision air-strike.
Her friends and enemies call her Magicsinger Swallowbranch!
Her constant companion is a friendly invisible vampire who is also a figment of her imagination.
Her favored weapon is a demonic unbreakable mallet which will cut through any material.

*twitch* Now I feel dirty.

I have a proposal to make. Hear me out.

We have to build a writing challenge around this - generate a character, then try to write an actually plausible story around her. Or just the most insane Exploitation B-Movie nonsense possible.

Not only because this would be /lots/ of fun, but also because we just can't miss the opportunity of telling the story of Soulfang Murderviolator and others.

Just let that idea sink in.

She appears to be a normal princess except she dresses like a catgirl druidess, her eyes have one blue and one green iris and her hair is crimson red and she wears it as a pigtail, but secretly she is actually a half-ghost.
She is a secret super-soldier destined to save the world and she will fight her enemies with the power to call for a precision air-strike or to corrupt unicorns.
Her friends and enemies call her Sparklemistress Riverspring!
Her constant companion is a catatonic special needs faerie who is also herself from the future.
Her favored weapon is a glowing glowing flamethrower which acts as a phylactery for her soul.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMbjK1m6alg

Moving pictures to Man Without A Body's dramatic reading. It's hilarious.

And then I found this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMbjK1m6alg

I can now say I've literally ROFL'd.

(and then I got into live-action adaptations of My Immortal and it just got hilarious, but that's beside the point)

...so it's hard to type.

It only gets funnier the more I watch it.

I have never seen anything so narmtastic and ridiculous since I saw the Nostalgia Critic's review of the "Dungeons and Dragons" movie. HA HA!

Oh, I needed that. I don't think I've laughed that hard since...yesterday. Thanks, Ladburnum!

Oh god... I lol'd. Especially at the ending, what with the absolutely baffled expression on the face of the Dark Lord...

I laughed hard at all this, even though I've never actually read legolas by Laura. Fun times are had for all.

I for one hadn't seen it. Sporking that fic never gets old.

Why would you want to use a weapon to kill a Sue that only has that effect in one out of every ten shots?

I know Acacia used curare to kill Sues on occasion, but I'm not familiar enough with LotR canon to be able to tell you whether that plant was canon to LotR. (I doubt it actually.) So, using a noncanon weapon might have been established as possible by TOS.

The important thing, though, is: would that weapon work in the fandom. For instance, in Harry Potter canon it has been explicitly said that electrical appliances can't be used at Hogwarts. Trying to kill a Sue at Hogwarts by throwing a toaster in her tub is not going to work, because canon says so.

When I first started writing missions in A-Team fandom I picked a handgun that would have been available in the time period the canon is set, but was not actually ever mentioned in canon. It's thus a noncanon weapon, but as a handgun, it could work in that canon.

As for making the death of a Sue an ironic echo, that's for agents with too much time on their hand. There's no rule that says you have to. If you want to kill the Sue quickly (with a neath shot through the head or simply breaking her neck) or slowly with time to run for cover (one in ten shots hitting the target?!) go for it.

By the way, you do not need permission to write missions to ask questions. Even if those questions are about things you would like to do in a mission.

First, have you permission yet?

On to the actual answer now...

I actually once brought a pulse rifle from a sci-fi continuum (Mass Effect) to kill two Stus (out of a trio of Stus and a Sue) in a Dark Fantasy continuum (Dragon Age), so it's possible to bring in a wildly noncanon weapon into a 'verse and get away with it. But I think it depends on what you're trying to do with the Stu in question. I killed the two Stus with the pulse rifle to give them a death not related to their canon of origin (Kingdom Hearts), mostly because it's an ironic echo of the fact that they both killed darkspawn in ways that would be more fitting in the Mortal Kombat continuum than they would even for the Dragon Age continuum.

Usually, we try to make the deaths some kind of riff/ironic echo played on the Sue/Stu the agents are killing. So keep that in mind when you do stuff.

This looks like fun - I especially like #1 and #2. I'll definitely have to write something for one of these...

As for a photo, I love this one:

8: [http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Laser_Towards_Milky_Ways_Centre.jpg]

It's the Wikimedia Commons Picture of the Year 2010, but I thought it was just too cool to pass up.

http://fatpita.net/images/image%20(12134).jpg

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jdhancock/4280113811/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/oldflowers4me/2544660350/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/alviswright/4671245620/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/eglantine/3860853052/

And gets my creativity going a bit more than the others, but yes, it would be more of a serious story than a silly story, which the first four pics definitely have a mood for. Even so, here's a little story inspired by that pic:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/john_coffee/6093480855/

The Stairwell

Ten... eleven... twelve...

Rufus' gaze lifted from the step before him, falling over rows textured gray bricks, worn two by fours and tattered metal railing, his vision finally obscured by the brilliant light that flooded the top floors of the building.

Twelve is good. Today felt like a 'twelve' day. He reverently retreated back down the stairway, his footfalls cautious so as to not cause the wood to groan. It had taken a week of passing by that abandoned stairwell before he built up the courage to take the first step. At this point, a month later, it wasn't fear or anxiety that kept him from sprinting up the rest of the way. It wasn't about finding out what was at the top of the stairs, it was about pushing himself forward.

Some days he'd go a bit farther than other days - when he got a bicycle for his birthday he made it up the first flight. When Colette waved at him he made it up two. When news that his father wasn't coming back from overseas arrived, he stood on the very first step for hours.

He idly wondered if he'd ever see that top of that abandoned stairwell; not out of curiosity for what existed at the top, but for what life had in store for him to propel him that high.

Well met, rookie! Please enjoy this super-sized sugar cookie as a welcoming present.

Hello, one with an awesome name! Welcome, and have a Holy Hand Grenade (Do not use against rabbits)

Howdy and welcome to the community.

Hi, have some fudge!

Welcome to the Board! here, have some chocolate, and enjoy your stay! And don't worry, we don't bite... much.

Allow my to present you with your two cents and a bottle of Bleepka. Also, have some Foobar Cola (it's on sale this week).

We love new guys! Come on in!

Here, have some Bartok for the road:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6R4uw-Bapc

Have a tisket and a tasket and some Sangria (can be exchanged for a non-alcoholic beverage in case you don't drink).

And X-files, eh? Been a while since I saw the series last, but I would love to see a mission done in that continuum. ^^

Here, have some paste and a large handwoven net.

Welcome, new friend! Have a remote-controlled bird cage! You'll have to supply the bird yourself... >.>

Greetings, new one!

Have a box of Generic Brand noodles and a bottle of brain bleach.

I like your mission. I'm not up on Pern, but I know enough to recognize badfic when I see it! I like the idea of the Canon Bomb too--you should do a Wiki page on it when the wiki stops being stupid. Of course, it's experimental technology, so there's no telling how it'll go oh-so-hilariously wrong... Link it to the DoGA page; I think they'd be the ones to use it, mostly.

It's good to have another Pern mission done. ^_^ Your writing is good, but I'd like to see more of it in the actual mission. The beginning and end bits are engaging, with fun agent interaction and silly things happening, but the mission body seems basically like chunks of a charge list stuck between chunks of story. There's a lot of humor potential lost there.

I have a few specific quibbles I want to point out:

1. "'And [charge] for misspelling ‘filling’', Grace concluded." —Actually, I think he misspelled "flying." The phrase in the fic is "bronzes, browns, blues and greens fling in the sky."

2. "It should be ‘H’tl’." —It was before, but in my review I advised the author that that is unpronounceable, and he changed it.

3. Not a exactly writing critique, but I disagree that the Brekke/F'nor story has "Rape Is Love" in it, and it gave me such a start that I had to go re-read that first encounter between them. When I read the scene in question, I see Brekke worried that they'll wake up Wirenth and trigger her mating flight, not specifically telling F'nor she doesn't want him. She definitely doesn't seem to think she was raped afterward, even with her Crafter morals.

4. I thought the same thing about the number of fire-lizard eggs being inconsistent at first, but then I looked over the hatching scene again, and there are just four: only Stannor, Mack, Zoey, and Emily Impress (blue, green, green, and brown, respectively). Despite the mention of Lisa/Lesa, she is not actually present and does not get a fire-lizard. (The fact that the event occurs at all remains as ridiculous as ever, though.)

5. I'm positive they have hammocks on Pern, especially in the Southern Continent. Why wouldn't they? They're just made of rope with some wood and metal bits. They do have sheep (ovines), too.

The good things, as I said, were all contained in the portions that took place in the RC. I like Grace poking around with machines that do silly things, and the agents have some good dialogue between them. Try to carry that into the missions, and have some fun with re-writing the fic as the agents actually perceive it rather than just quoting the whole thing and pointing out charges. We get the charge list at the end, so we don't need the whole thing in the mission body anyway. {= )

~Neshomeh

Loved the random stuff that Grace builds, and the prototypoe Canon Bomb. Can I hire Grace for maintenance and upgrading of my Agent's fighter jets? ?cause stuff not working (or working wrong) is better than stuff that blows up. Expecially if you're sitting in it.

That Canon Bomb is quite dangerous, though. Use it the wrong way, and you disintegrated a duo of Agents and all their stuff. Still, those are perfect for bombing runs on uncanonical place.

Loot collected:

Nothing.

Loot generated:

One (1) tulip kitten ('Aniseed') which is available to be adopted by anyone who can take care of her and who doesn't own any kind of tulip-eating organism.

Cara couldn't help but chuckle a bit at the impressions Jake and Boston were trying. "You're not in the costume to be trying that," she pointed out to Jake, patting his shoulder. "I'll leave you two to chat, anyway." With that she kissed Jake's cheek again and slipped away.

The door opened again, letting in a rather mixed group. The tallest was a solid, red-headed man in his thirties, who was practically being dragged by a boy of about five who could be none other than his son. On seeing the other children, Owen whooped, let go of his dad's hand and charged into the crowd, leaving Luke Celinus looking very relieved.

"For a minute I thought he was going to drag me into the middle of it," he commented to the blonde woman beside him. Vicky Hayles, an Intelligence Agent and Owen's mother, smiled faintly.

"Might do you some good," she replied before heading over to say hello to Cara and William and leave Stephanie's present on the designated chair, leaving Luke alone and very nervous-looking.

The last person to arrive was a petite, dark-haired woman just into her twenties. Freya Rowlands had taken full advantage of the come-in-costume suggestion, and was wearing a rather lovely Elven gown. Sidestepping small children, she made her way towards Terry, though she wasn't averse to chatting to anyone else on the way. DoSAT wasn't always the best place to socialise.

((OOC: Feel free to have anyone you like swarm, talk to or otherwise distract this bunch. :P ))

The door to the Really Very Tiny Auditorium opened, and the first guests arrived.

Kieran had not really bothered to put on a costume for LOTR or Potterverse, either on himself or on Artemis, reasoning that his Redwall attire was close enough to the former just as Artie's World One clothes were to the latter. Muggles were part of Potterverse, weren't they? Lucifer the cat slunk along by his footpaws, glaring at anyone who bothered to give him a second glance.

The young fox's nose twitched at the smells from the snack table, and Artie scrambled up to perch on his shoulders. Black wings emerged from his shoulder blades and fluttered excitedly. "Food!" the two-year-old squealed eagerly. "Foodfoodfood!" He punctuated his observation by tugging on Kieran's ears.

"I see the food, Artie," Kieran murmured, before turning to the hosts with a bright smile and a wave of his paw. "Hi, everybeast! Happy birthday, Stephanie!"

I've seen this one before, but I've never read it.

Hey. Nord. What did I tell you about putting this in a badfic thread that already exists? Didn't I tell you this, and how to do it, in explicit terms, twice? In one chat? What, did you wait a day and forget or something? :<br>
I reiterate, if there is a badfic thread already on the frontpage, don't make a new one. Go to that thread and link the badfic in a reply, instead.

That out of the way, this is a pretty awful fic. I'd go after it if I wasn't up to my ears in prospective sporkings already.

I believe the proper internet response to that fic would be 'what is this I don't even." I mean, ARGH. The writing in the second chapter was driving me up the wall!

I usually avoid Marriage Contract stories on the basis of finding cross-generational pairing generally squicky but I found a rare one... that I liked. I ran into this interesting example in my trevails through the Pit of Voles. Yes, the contract turned out to be fake but...

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7306781/1/The_Contract

Perhaps it's my shipping inclinations or my funnybone, but in light of the despairing turns the Authors current project is taking (thus alientating many of the current reviewers) I found it quite nice. And that's despite the possible OOCness (being a fanoneer now, My scale is rather imprecise) and general ridiculousness of the scenario.

This is one of TVtropes's "Fandom-Specific Plots" (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FandomSpecificPlot, under "Harry Potter"). According to that page, it "originated as a fanfic-writing challenge on a Snape/Hermione mailing list." And I guess for whatever reason, the concept just became really popular with the fandom at large.

There is a question on some Mary Sue Litmus tests that asks: is she trying to escape an arranged marriage?

I'm not into HP and haven't clicked the link, but by "Marriage Law" I imagine you mean: the law says that so and so have to get married. And not some law that says: two people voluntarily sign a contract that they will take care of each other and the law offers them certain tax benefits.

So the idea of forced marriage is a trope across fandoms. It's just that there's more room to imagine there will be laws that force marriage among wizards because they have a different culture.

Arranged marriages may seem romantic to those that never have to deal with them.

I should find myself a fic written in first person to spork. The dummy seems to be an unending source of comedy.

I am not really much sure that that child is material for a PPC Agent. Well, she has at least five years to become one, though.

Looking at the reviews, it doesn't seem like anyone's told him yet. Shouldn't someone?

At least, if you are trying to create a fanfiction, you are drawing inspiration from canonical sources and adding your own twist on the fandom - whether through original stories set in the universe, original characters becoming involved or other such ideas.

But this, this blatent disregard for an author's original fanfiction work ... This. IS. AN. OUTRAGE!!

I mean, what on Earth? How the heck did the author in question get away with this blatant rip-off? Has the author of the original work caught on?

I'll totally help, I'm just not quite sure how to. Basically:

1: Will Grace and Ally meet Sergio and Corolla in the Armoury or somewhere else?

2. How exactly are we going to write the ensuing conversation?

3. If we write it separately, where do I put my bit when I'm done?

and you're more than welcome to use Ian and Lee, if you like, but not for the chasing scene.

Chalk and Jenka are available for use. If you want your agents to get assaulted by a hyperactive girl, Chalk would be happy to oblige. Jenka would likely be there to keep Chalk from getting into too much trouble.

I just got Permission a while back, can I join in? What's the background details, anyway?

So after last chapter's efforts, it is clear that I am NOT looking forward to this. But still, “Knowledge is Power", so on we go!

Now, I have to give the writer credit – this chapter does try to present a lengthier narrative. But, the old problems still remain … and in some cases might be worse; I defer judgement on that matter.

Anyway, as is the norm, we have the opening spiel from Vail and AGAIN, we have no indication of what planet Cain and co are on, so it just adds to the confusion. Additionally, once again, we have the author's jarring punctuation and sentence structure.

Now call me pedantic, but I find this excerpt from the introduction rubbing me the wrong way:

“… While there he had a chance encounter with a Sisters of battle unit. As you know, the Sisters is military force composed of only women. Though they don’t have the super human abilities as Space marines. They try to model themselves as such.”

I can already see this is going to go down the poop chute, but I'll go into the Sister issue later.

Alright, so basically, ANOTHER hive city has fallen under attack, only this time the attackers are the Chaos Space Marines, one of several canon baddies. Problem is, Chaos Marines are normally broken down into Traitor Legions and rogue elements – throughout the ENTIRE fic, we have no idea as to what faction within the CSMs this warband belongs to.

Worse, it looks like the author's perversion of Cain seems set to continue. Here's an excerpt:

“...Thinking about all the wonderful things he’ll do once back at the base. Maybe the female soldier who likes to rack up infractions will be there waiting for him. Speaking of racks, ‘she sure has a nice one‘, thought Cain. He, and she would figure out interesting punishments together. Sometimes Cain would take her punishments for her.”

Emperor protect us!

Eventually, the convoy Cain is returning with falls under attack by … possessed Thunderhawks (?!) and in the resulting confusion, Cain is separated from the others and is forced to make his way back to an Imperial Guard encampment on foot. However, on his way back, he stumbles over a 15-(wo)man squad of Sisters of Battle – again, the author gives us a basic description of them, but does not specify if they belonged to a specific unit or not. In other canon where there aren't any major sub-factions, this would be fine, but in a wargame like Warhammer 40,000 – where all major factions are broken down into individual regiments, Chapters, warbands etc- this can be downright confusing.

The apparent leader of the group, Sister Mary (yes, that is her name!) assigns a squad-member, Sister Cindy (*sighs in annoyance*) to check Cain for weapons. Whilst doing so, Cain has perverted thoughts (like THAT is any surprise here!) and the Sister stumbles across....

No. No, I dare not say! If you want to know the gory details, read the fic yourselves. I dare not put the exact details to print. Sufficed to say, I quote:

“ “Wow”, said Cain with a dumb look on his face [...] “ I thought you Sisters couldn’t have sex.” “We can, but don’t tell a lot of people about it. Otherwise, they’d want sexual favors all the time. Even if people talked, nobody would believe them. We pick men we like to help us out from time to time. Especially when it comes to the initiates. We use men to smarten them up, and besides, every girl want’s her first time to be with a handsome man,” said Sister Mary. ”

Are. You. Kidding. Me?!

After that little escapade, Cain and the Sisters continue en route back to Imperial lines when a roving Chaos band jump them … as well as some kind of creature the author fails to describe that manages to freeze up the Sisters who weren't killed. Cain, at this point, gets the hell out of dodge then, after a 30 minute pause, heads back to the ambush site. He observes the aftermath of the skirmish and is SOMEHOW able to pick up a conspicuous trail the Chaos squad left behind them- without the author telling us what that might have been comprised of. After following the Chaos Marines, Cain manages to locate the craft the Marines evidently have come down planet-side in as the crew and some of the Marines' minions emerge to take the spoils of war inside the vessel... barring Sister Cindy, who the previously undescribed, mutated Chaos Space Marine promptly separates from the others in the ship's cargo bay and begins to have its way with on the spot. Cindy's Sisters fare no better with the crew.

Cain manages to find a loading crane nearby and having figured out the controls (failing to explain where and when), he attacks the mutated Marine and drags him away from the helpless Cindy. He then, bolt pistol blazing, attacks several crew members as he drags the stark-naked Cindy out of the Chaos warband's clutches as they mount a war-bike and make their escape.

What follows is, to me, probably one of the most poorly justified sexual encounters within this work. And that's saying a lot. Having evaded the mutated leader of the band, Cain speculates that because the creature screamed out “Virgin!” in anger (or something like that, the author doesn't say), he believes that 'doing the deed' with the Sister of Battle then and there would throw it off their trail. I quote:

“There was a crashing sound through the woods. A loud hideous bellow of “Virgin!” was coming from where Cain, and Cindy left their break area. Cain knew they could not outrun the monster. They would need food, and rest while the creature wouldn’t. There was only one thing that could be done to get it off their trail, and hopefully lose interest. When Cain thought they were far enough. He turned to Sister Cindy. “Do you trust me enough to keep this monster from following us?” asked Cain. “Yes,” said Cindy looking him in the eyes. Cain walked up to her sliding his arms around her...”

What?! How the heck- WHAT?!! That's pushing it, even within the madness of the 41st millenium!

So, four paragraphs later (in which, I kid you not, the pair have been described as LOVERS (HERESY!)), the little moment is rudely interrupted as (surprise, surprise!) a mushroom cloud appears on the horizon and alerting them to the presence of the mutated leader who had been stalking them.

I'm sorry – What? Stalking them … in a wooded area …. in THREE INCH THICK POWER ARMOUR?! You know why there was a reason the Imperium Space Marines have Scout squads (apart from recruit training)? Even if you are careful, POWER ARMOUR IS NOT SILENT!

So, with the Chaos Marine hot on the pair's heels, Cain and Cindy bolt, heading towards an open field. Unfortunately, once they reach the clearing, Cindy trips and falls, with the Chaos Space Marine closing the distance rapidly. Cain is rammed into and sent spinning to the ground and, just when it looked like he was about to be crushed, a series of bolt rounds slam into the traitor, blowing him clean in half.

It is revealed in the last paragraph that a Space Marine (loyalist) Thunderhawk had taken notice of them and had opened fire. Landing, the transport disgorges a Space Marine squad, as well as their leader, a Captain of no particular Chapter or name. When Cain questions the Captain as to how he was able to locate them, the Captain replies that they had been tracking them every since the Chaos frigate - which I am assuming was in orbit, as those things are normally about three kilometres long- had been destroyed (which was never mentioned earlier in the fic).
It was also revealed that the groundside vessel had been destroyed by Sister Mary, who now stood proudly with the others, battered and sans armour, weapons and clothes, but alive.

The final passage ends with the following exchange. I'll let it speak for itself:

“ … “Maybe you can brief me about it,” said Sister Mary with a smile. “Sure, a long hard briefing with the three of us sounds good.” said Cain. “Captain is there a place on the thunder hawk that me, and the Sisters of battle can debrief in private?” asked Cain. “Yes, we have a guest lounge that you can use,” said the Captain who misunderstood the humans’ real reason for the room. Since Space Marines weren’t made that way. ”

So, that brings us to the end of this chapter and the current fic's progress. Is this chapter an improvement? I'd say yes … barely. To the writer's credit, it looks like the narrative had been given a bit of thought and the action is drawn out a bit more. Unfortunately, the majority of the old problems within the first chapter are still there – Cain is still horribly OOC, the narrative is contrived and lacking depth, social norms and law of the Imperium are left in the gutter and the sheer implausibility behind the scenario is almost laughable.

I especially reserve criticism for the portrayal of the female protagonists of this chapter – the Sisters of Battle. According to established material, the Adepta Sororitas are an all-female warrior order dedicated to the protection of the Ecclesiarchy (the Imperial Church) and its personnel and assets, as well as acting as the Chamber Militant for the witch-hunters of the Ordo Hereticus (one of three major sub-divisions within the Inquisition). These women are constantly involved in their duties – when they are not involved, they spend their time in training or in prayer. They are indoctrinated in the teachings of the Imperium and are fanatical, practical and down-to-earth.

Because of this and their appeal, it is also presumed that, similar to nuns of the Roman Catholic church, that this order would be celibate. This question ran back and forth amidst the fan community and remained as speculation until “Cain's Last Stand”, where Sandy Mitchell provides her own input on the topic by having Cain observe a strange occurrence – a Sister of Battle discreetly leaving a representative's quarters late at night, concealing herself with a robe over her clothing. Inquisitor Vail's foot-notes read:

“... Contrary to popular belief, the Adepta Sororitas doesn't require its members to remain celibate, though few find the time to take advantage of the fact.”

So, it could be said that the Sisters of Battle are NOT required to be virgin in order to serve, but even so, I found the portrayal of the Sisters in this chapter very jarring. Instead of acting like the zealous and faithful warrior women within Warhammer 40,000 background, they initially act more like sexually-repressed women who haven't “gotten involved” for decades. It is an offence against their tenants, their faith and their creed and this interpretation destroys any believability about Sister Mary and the others and their impending plight.

So, what's my conclusions on the work thus far?

Overall, S.P&G for this story wasn't bad – just a few minor errors and multiple sentences that could be joined together to make sense.

However, here's, in my opinion, why this fic just doesn't work:

- Any fan derivative work of a canonical source needs to adhere to established social and cultural norms within that universe, with leeway provided for unusual situations or any facts that are open to interpretation. This work does none of that. Any form of established Imperial law is more or less out the window in favour of providing pointless, plotless graphic material. I'd be a little more convinced if it was, for example, an incident between a Guardsman and, say, another Guardswoman or civilian (at least THEN, we'd be given benefit of the doubt), but a Commissar, an enforcer of Imperial Guard doctrine within the rank and file, openly cavorting with a Chaos cultist and a member of the Adeptus Sororitas WITHOUT repercussions? Rogal Dorn is rolling in his grave!

- A PWP is a very risky form of fiction to construct because the writer has to justify the situation that (inevitably) takes place and establish this through strong narrative material. This fic is badly constructed and offers little to no reasonable justification for the situations that occur. For example, in the case of the incident between Cindy and Cain: if it was established they may have known each other through the Scholea Progenium and may have possessed feelings that had been suppressed in their respective organisations, then I might be convinced. But as it stands, lack of justification for the incidents, as well as the implausibility behind them, only serve to degrade this work.

- Worst of all, this fic fails to connect between the canon characters of the original canonical material and the cut-outs we are presented in this. The entire writing is dry and humourless, providing none of the wit and characterisation that author Sandy Mitchell has crafted over eight years and all canonical characters are clearly OOC. I could easily replace Cain with a rogue Imperial/traitor Guardsman and it would have no impact on the fic's direction whatsoever.

But, as I mentioned earlier, this is till a work in progress. Whether the author will improve or not, I can only speculate. For now, I watch, pray and hope...

+The Emperor Protects+

I'm not much of an expert on Warhammer, but I have read the first Commissar Cain omnibus, and I would say that it sounds like you have a solid case.

But you say that it is only two chapters so far. Is the author still in the process of writing? Because in that case you might want to consider something else for your first sporking and leaving this for now. It would be a shame if you gave it a really good spank... um, I mean sporking and then a new chapter was added with even more potential for comedy.

I'm only familiar with the basic tenets of the 40K universe from reading TV Tropes, and even I can see problems with this story.

Were you planning to request Permission? You can put a claim on this story with the note "Permission Pending".