Dec 2010 Archive, part b

Because of course it's reasonable to expect an author to go by social mores and standards which weren't common until fifty years after the books in question were written! *sigh*

I seem to be running into a lot of frothingly angry rants about popular fiction lately. Some of them have a better point than others. This isn't one of the better ones.

Now, when I was eight I got through the first three chapters of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe before losing interest, and I never got around to trying them again, so I can't give much of an opinion in terms of accuracy.

That said, I've taken Honors English classes all throughout high school, so I know what a good essay is and this is not a good essay. While it's important to avoid having a wishy-washy or passive voice, this author's tone is far too forceful, almost insulting to the reader. It relies on the use of strong language to make its point, and thus it's difficult to be taken seriously.

Furthermore, in all the types of essays I've ever written, be they persuasive or analytical or any other, my teachers have stressed the importance of evidence to back up one's claims, and clear, specific examples from the work that are explored, explained, and connected to the writer's point. The few examples this writer brings up are vague and confusing, making it clear that it never occurred to this writer that there would be a few readers (like myself) who are not familiar with the series. I always learned, when writing essays, to assume the readers know nothing of the issue or piece of literature I'm addressing, because there will always be a few readers who do.

Now that I've said this, I have the sudden urge to lock myself in my room and read every single one of them straight through. I'll try and wait until winter break rolls around.

Having read the article and the discussion so far, I'm content to dismiss the article as the drivel it is. As Sylibane points out so entertainingly, the author fails at every turn to support his arguments with evidence, and therefore can be dismissed as a serious essayist.

I actually considered that it might be a piece of sarcasm, mocking other people who actually do believe those things, but I doubt it. It's just a screed.

Now, I do take issue with anyone applying this kind of thinking to a fantasy world. Here's the thing: if you're writing about countries that are at war, you are naturally going to characterize the "bad guys" in a way that makes them seem bad to your audience, so they can cheer for your protagonists. If you're going to tell me that it's racist to characterize cannibalism and/or human sacrifice and/or serving an evil demigod as bad, or that it's racist to make people from a hot place have dark skin, then we have a serious problem. Using the prejudice of your audience as a shortcut for that characterization--"brown people = evil" in the absence of any other defining characteristics--that's a different issue, but I'd like to see the proof for that in Tolkien's or Lewis' case.

~Neshomeh

The article (near as I can tell) is by Philip Hensher, who wrote it for The Independent, which newspaper he is a columnist and book reviewer for. Kathryn Lindskoog is the editor of the journal entitled The Lewis Legacy, in which the article was reprinted.

That said, while several of the points he makes are sound, the tone of the article leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Hensher vastly overstates his case. I understand that he was writing for a newspaper and therefore impartiality wasn't really what he was going for, but when you call the subject of your article "ghastly, priggish, half-witted, money-making drivel" I begin to think that you're either compensating for the weakness of your arguments, or attempting to manipulate me with a kind of appeal to emotion. Personally, I don't like being manipulated. I really don't like being manipulated.

On a personal note, I have burned two books in my lifetime, simply because having them in my house gave me a sick feeling that wouldn't go away. It was an emotional thing. I didn't talk to anyone about it, just quietly tore them up and fed them into the fire at a family marshmallow-roasting session. It was extremely satisfying. While there are things in the Narnia series that struck me wrong, they don't even approach that level. And, furthermore, they're fun, interesting stories that hold a special place in my heart.

And with that, I once more retreat into the shadows of Real Life and Lurkerdom (TM). ;)

In the Appendices to LotR, it is quite clear that the white, racially superior Numenoreans caused one of the greatest catastrophes in the world and that their colonial enterprise in Middle-Earth was concurrent with and contributed with their moral and physical decline. Not merely that, but later in the timeline, the only King of Gondor (a Numenorean remnant state) who actually cared about racial purity was a Complete Monster who nearly brought his kingdom to ruin (but as he discriminated against Blonde-haired people, albeit ones with a shorter lifespan and inferior material culture, that may not count *snigger*).

As for the Orcs, while Tolkien did describe them as "Mongolian-Types", he carefully added a parenthesis saying (To Europeans). While further background material (Morgoth's Ring) showed that he may not have intended for the "Orcs are converted Elves" thing in The Silmarillion to be canon, he still agonized over how Orcs can be "Always Evil all the Time".

Speaking of The Silmarillion, background material to it shows that Tolkien had always intended for many, many, Elves to be foolish, violent, and impulsive Jerkasses. That said, the Blonde ones (Finrod Felagund and his family) are the most good of the lot, but they no racism whatsoever to Men, who are racially inferior except for some esoteric gifts (the ability to leave the world after death and to control their own destinies, but those are obviously not genetic). In fact, one of them even sacrifices his life for a non-blonde human so that an interracial marriage can occur.

Now, back to LotR. While it is true that the Easterlings and Southrons (who may or may not be different from the Haradrim) are described as "Dark Men" under the service of the "Dark Lord" Sauron, the Appendices reveal that said "Dark Lord" had many White-skinned minions as well (in fact, the Cosairs of Umbar were descended from the followers of the Gondorian king I mentioned earlier, the one who belived in racial purity). Not just that, but a noble of Gondor (Forlong the Fat), had Non-Numenorean blood and his followers fought just like the Easterlings. He later dies, but all mentions of him are of a positive nature (all this is omitted in the Tv.Tropes article "Gondor Calls For Aid, which is just sad).

Not just that, but other examples of Good Easterlings also appear in The Silmarillion and the background material to it reveals that originally, all Easterlings were to be given the chance to rebel against the first Dark Lord, Morgoth. Not merely that, but the Southrons/Haradrim (the supposed african analogues) were established to have been deceived by Numenorean agents (Herumor and Fuinur, I may be misspelling the latter) under the service of the Dark Lord Sauron.

-End.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AyxZnAVoh4Y7T-bIepZ-G7cIDT5oRElb33tczBGXoB4/edit?hl=en&authkey=CMTN_PkI&pli=1#

Whew. That was a doozy. My comments are blue.

Calling C. S. Lewis unimaginative? Oh really? Makes it hard to take the author too seriously. One point I do agree on is Susan's being kept out of Narnia in the end. It struck me as a sudden chain-yank in the midst of the feel-good uniting of all the former Narnia protagonists. There was never any previous evidence in Susan's character of her being less devoted to Aslan than any other Pevensie, though to be fair, we hadn't seen her for a few years before The Last Battle. Some of the author's other points are also at least somewhat justified, like the negative portrayal of the Calormenes as stand-ins for Islamic nations, but the fact is, the Chronicles were all written over fifty years ago, now, and C. S. Lewis can't help being a product of his time anymore than another person can.

It looks like the person who created that website was merely collecting articles written by other people and hosting them on her website.

As for the article itself, well... Given that we don't know much of the writer's background besides the fact that he apparently didn't like the books as a kid, I can't honestly rip this article apart. Yes, it makes me angry to see drivel like that, but I also have to realize that since I don't know the context of said piece, I can't properly rationalize going into a tizzy about it.

Here, have a generic book of your choice.

It has over 100 hours of The Three Stooges, in all their comedy goodness. You can use it to help stave off Badfic induced insanity. If you ever find the time that is.

Well met rookie! Please enjoy this coupon for the bionic limb of your choice as a welcoming gift.

Have a folding car. It becomes a rather heavy case when not in use. Careful, thing things unfolds itself whjenb it shouldn't. Pay attention to fragile things.

Don't feed it Cute Animal Friend.

Nice to meet you, Whin! Have a bag of pebbles and a Random Shiny Object. May they aid you in your defence of Canon.

Here, have a pelican bag. It's enchanted with the rune of the pelican, which gives it Hammerspace. (It's from an original fiction piece of mine.)

Feel free to trade around with other borders to eventually get the whole set! Also, I will not be held responsible for any damages that may or may not occur should you choose to incinerate any of the bobbleheads in an attempt to burn any of the Flowers That Be in effigy.

Outside of that, I once again welcome you to the board and to the PPC, and I do dearly hope that you will enjoy your time here. For now, I have one more gift for you, the most useful gift I could ever give you; Information, in the form of The Links that all new boarders should have.

http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/FAQ:_For_Newbies
http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Slash-Sporking_Guide
http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Mission_Writing_Guide
http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Guide_To_The_PPC
http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Permission
http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Killed_Badfic
http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Help:Editing#Neshomeh.27s_Editing_Tutorial
http://community.livejournal.com/the_ppc/20306.html

Those eight links there are the data that every single member of the PPC must read, memorize, and be able to quote perfectly upon request. Failure to do so is TREASON, and is grounds for termination!

... Okay, not really, but it's all really good stuff you should read anyways, especially if you plan on being involved in the PPC as more than just a boarder. Heck, even if you just plan on hanging around it's good stuff to know. Either way, hope to see you around!

Welcome, new friend! Have a baby llama! It is very soft and ill-tempered!

Hello, and welcome to the PPC! I hereby bestow upon you three things:

A (highly inaccurate) map of HQ that looks like a chrysanthemum caught in the act of exploding, a large plushie Companion Cube (guaranteed not to stab you and which you don't have to incinerate in an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator), and a Frying Pan of Doom^tm. May they serve you well.

Here you have some random food I stole from Cafeteria. I strongly recommend not to eat it, but it can be used as a deadly weapon to kill Sues.

I haven't done that in a while. I should get back in the habit.

Anyway! I'm glad you found your way here. You may have noticed we have a Wiki, and there's a bunch of useful stuff on there. There's a link at the top of the Board, so check it out.

There are a lot of spin-offs out there, so if you want some guidance, here's my top three favorites (in no particular order):

Dafydd and Selene, Department of Geographical Aberrations

Trojie and Pads, Department of Bad Slash

Suicide and Diocletian, Department of Mary Sues (Freelance)

You might also like to peruse the rest of the Lost Tales site, where Su and Dio's missions are hosted. A lot of the stuff there was written contemporarily with Jay and Acacia.

And, if I may plug myself, I think I might be the only person currently writing for the Department of Implausible Crossovers and Fictional Psychology, so here's Supernumerary and Ilraen's home page and FicPsych.

Since that's more than enough to be going on with, I'll again say welcome, and enjoy!

~Neshomeh

Welcome to the Board! Here, have some chocolate, and enjoy your stay!

And, if for some odd reason, you're allergic to chocolate, here's Foodstuffs, a commonly used material that authors enjoy including because it requires just about no description.

Fair winds!

Now you can throw BBQ parties!

Have a pet cat, a pie of Rassilon and a slice of toast. You can eat the toast and the pie, but I think the cat would put up a fight rather than become food.

Hello and welcome! I'm pretty sure I've already met you on the chat, but in any case, it's always nice to meet new people.

In honour of your arrival, have this conical hat. It's made out of tin foil and duct tape, and is both conical and comical.

And welcome!

As a somewhat new person myself, feel welcome! :D

Have a scarf knitted from the spun fur of Cute Animal Friends! Sure to keep you warm in the most cold, lonely, and emo of ill-contrived settings!

They actually made 'Bad Romance' listenable!

The entire thing was very impressive.

That. Is. Cool.

What CAN'T be done with PVC pipe?

~Neshomeh

Have a generic book of your choice.

It's about the size of a regular knife, and is around the same weight. Make sure to use it for the good of canon everywhere.

Well met rookie! Please enjoy this oversized foam cowboy hat as a welcoming gift.

Do not feed it Sues or Stus.

Have a folding car. It becomes a rather heavy case when not in use. However, do not put it near fragile objects. The flding mechanism is faulty. As nearly all the tech here.

May I ask, new series or old?
Anyway, have a pet cat and a Pie of Rassilon. You may name the pie whatever you wish, and eat the cat. No, that's not right...

Have some Bleepermint Bark! It's made with Bleepolate (chocolate and Bleeprin) and crushed up candy canes. (If you're an avian or cannot have chocolate, sorry. I might be able to come up with a substitute.)

This limited-edition bobblehead was made in the likeness of the Hippie Sequoia, head of what may have been the first ever division of the department of Mary Sues, the Star Trek Division. Feel free to trade with your fellow boarders to get the whole set! Also, I will not be held responsible for any damages incurred by incinerating any of the bobbleheads in effigy of one of the larger, actual flowers.

Next, I have a set of eight very important links that every boarder and every PPC'er should read. Without further delay, I give you The Links!

http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Help:Editing#Neshomeh.27s_Editing_Tutorial
http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/FAQ:_For_Newbies
http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Slash-Sporking_Guide
http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Mission_Writing_Guide
http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Guide_To_The_PPC
http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Permission
http://community.livejournal.com/the_ppc/20306.html
http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Killed_Badfic

All of these are super-useful, ultra-important to read, and mega-helpful when one needs to write for the PPC or try to understand some of the more exotic terms we may throw around. Enjoy!

Welcome, new friend! Have something old, something new, and something borrowed!

Hello, and welcome to the PPC! I hereby bestow upon you three things:

A large plushie Companion Cube (guaranteed not to stab you and which you don't have to incinerate in an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator), a Bag of Near-Infinite Holding, and a Frying Pan of Doom^tm. May they serve you well.

Here you have a baloon. It's red so goes with you!

Welcome to the Board! Here, have some chocolate, and enjoy your stay!

Heya, person-who-is-slightly-newer-than-me! Have a stylish bowler!

Fair winds!

Now you can throw BBQs!

Now that I've wasted your time, I'd like to conclude by saying that you, from what I have seen, are all awesome. Except for some of you.

You belong here. You really do.

Welcome to the Board! Here, have some chocolate, won't you?

Have a generic book of your choice.

Have a pet cat and a towel emblazoned with the words 'Don't Panic'.

Do not feed it Sues or Stus.

Nice to meet you! Have a bag of pebbles and a Random Shiny Object. Good for distracting people!

Here you have a six-pack of Japanese Bilk, a beer that tastes like milk. I think the AUs thing depends if they have some kind of widely-agreed canon, for example if in some types of AUs the characters are written in a specific way, for exmple in Death Note it's believed that one of the characters has red eyes, but it is never said in the canon story, it's just a widely-agreed thing. Hope it helps a bit.

Fair winds!

Now you can throw BBQs!

Have a folding car. It becomes a rather heavy case when not in use. Careful, do not put it near fragile things. The laws of narrative comedy would make it unfold.

Welcome, new friend! Have couple bottles of Super Repel! I've found they're good for keeping hobos and drifters away, in addition to Pokemon!

Well met rookie! Please enjoy this six pack of Nuka-Cola as a welcoming gift.

I'm not sure what others might think, but I personally believe that AUs are far more generalized that genuine spin-off canons. AUs can be boiled down to a few types: the High School AU, the Zombie AU, the What-If AU, and so on.

Actual spin-off continuities should be able to stand on their own in some regard and should have some measure of recognition from outsiders. They should have their own characters and own rules. They've also usually either been running for a while or have racked up a lot of stories in a short amount of time. The machnima series Red vs Blue, for example, is set in the Halo universe but has developed enough of its own characters and plots to be considered a separate entity.

While I am not familiar with Pokegirls, a cursory read-through of the appropriate TV Tropes page makes me think that it would stand as its own canon. It has its own rules and backstory as established by the community. Fanfiction about a canon like that would probably come from outside of the community, stuff from non-approved writers. It's a bit like PPC stories in that regard, actually.

I hope this all made sense. It did in my head.

Hello, very-slightly-newer-than-me person.

A gentle warning: Some people don't take kindly to chatspeak, (e.g. lulz). Don't worry, I just thought I'd give you some advice for the future.

In the meantime, you're a nice shiny newbie and you can have 5 t-shirts, two brownies, and some C4.

Wecome to the PPC Posting Board! Here, have some chocolate, and enjoy your stay!

Oh you're an Eleven fangirl? Brilliant! *Huggles her poster of Ten* ^^;;;

Welcome to the board! And have a woolly hat and some candy.

Have a generic book of your choice.

Have a folding car. It folds in a rather heavy case when not in use. Careful, tends to unfold itself when nobody is looking. Do not put it near fragile objects.

Don't feed it Suevian Honey.

Have a pet cat and a Pie of Rassilon. Be warned - nobody here has tasted the Pie and lived...

Wow, we have a lot of new people arriving recently. Where are you all coming from? :P

Welcome to the Board. *hands over a bag of pebbles and a Random Shiny Object* May these gifts serve you in dark places, when all other lights go out... no, wait, I'm quoting Lord of the Rings. May they come in handy!

Welcome, new friend! Have a set of centurion's armor, fresh out of the time machine. I hope it fits!

Here you have sunglasses. They won't protect you from sunlight.
It's also good that you keep secret if you like or not ancient Greece, because everyone has the right to have a secret. I was born in the last decade of the century, but I'm not telling which century, for that's my secret (also Groucho Marx's secret).

Greetings, less-new-than-me-person!
Yes, ancient Greece is awesome. Many a night have I loathed Disney's Hercules for that very reason.
May we be noobs together! THEY SHALL FEEL OUR WRATH! Or not. Whatever works for you, I suppose.

Fair winds!

Now you can throw BBQ parties!

Have some chocolate of the dark minty variety! And look, a new DVD! (I'm not going to tell you what movie; you can decide for yourself...Boarder magic makes for good gifts, eh?)


"Fair warning, though I tend to brush off some changes to canon in fics... There is a line. You cross it, I kinda lose it. Same with gratuitous use of Vampires as plot devices. Eheh... I'll try not to leave a mess."

Glad you said that up front. Everyone's ideas/beliefs are allowed here (and we do indeed have a bit of everyhthing), just so long as you're prepared to explain yourself. Vehemently. Possibly multiple times and in multiple ways.

Don't worry, though- this community strives mostly for 3 things:
1) Being opposite of Suethors
2) Being snarky, sarcastic
3) Having fun

And I daresay you can deal with at least one of those! :)
-cough-numberthree-cough-

Welcome to the Board! Here, have some chocolate, and enjoy your stay!

Have a generic book of your choice. Nice to meet a Yu-gi-oh fan. I read a bit of it, and I'm starting to check out more.

Have a folding car. It folds itself inbto a rather heavy case when not needed. (And, if someone is asking, is from the Back to the Future animated series. No, this one doesn't travel in time, sorry.) Be careful, it has a faulty folding mechanism so it can unfold itself randomly.

Don't feed it Sues or Stus.

Have a pet cat. You may name her whatever you wish. She comes with a limited edition, free-range apple. Oh yes. Worship the apple.

Glad to have you here. ^_^ If you've looked at our handy guidelines, then you'll know you need about a month of activity on the Board before asking for Permission, so's you can write your own missions. In the meantime, glad to have you here~

Have a bag of pebbles and a Random Shiny Object. They come in handy for throwing at annoying people and distracting the easily distractable.

Here's a grill. It runs on charcoal, mini-Balrogs, and/or flames. You can keep it on the ship, if you like.

Welcome, new friend!

Let me hook you up with the Deluxe Vampire Resistance Kit and Hot Plate. You've got your freeze dried garlic, three-sizes of stakes, as well as an pair of iron hammers, which can be crossed to form a crucifix if stakes are unavailable, whittling tools for making new stakes, and a specialized flashlight that recreates sunlight's effects in the undead (good against certain zombies, too!), plus a year's supply of batteries for same. There's also a hot plate.

Here you have a bag of sour candies and a random Gainax ending. It seems to be the one from Evangelion, so keep it away from angels or the world will end.

Fair winds!

Now you can throw BBQs!

For example I, being from Italy, use an Italian blog thing called Splinder. Anything stable and that will not erase your missions for copyrights or similar matters will be fine.

A lot of people like LiveJournal or Dreamwidth or something similar--the benefits include not having to know HTML or having to worry about being deleted, but navigation can be an issue. Some folks do use Fanfiction.net, but there is a risk of being reported and taken off.

Other people use a free web host, like Webs (formerly Freewebs) or Tripod. I've been using Tripod for years with no complaints; others really like Webs. Both have options for either using your own HTML (I taught myself how to do this; it's possible to learn if you want complete control over your site) or a site builder that lets you customize a pre-made theme without knowing any code.

I suppose it would work to use deviantART, too, especially if you're an artist as well as a writer. There are lots of PPCers with accounts there, though I don't think anyone currently uses it to host missions.

So, like I said, it's really up to you. All the above have their pros and cons. You just have to decide what most appeals to you.

~Neshomeh

((((((Holly put a hand on Artemis's shoulder, "Are they fond of gold? Are you going to kidnap a lady for ransom?''

Artemis got up from his study chair and went to the door.

"Oh come on Arty, will you relax? Sit down and learn to take a joke." Holly called after him.

Artemis sat back down the way a small child would go to the naughty step.))))))

OOC in the first paragraph. Pretty good call. D'you want it?

Sorry for my ignorance, but I can't catch the meaning of this:

Artemis sat back down the way a small child would go to the naughty step.

Can someone explain it, please?

In case anyone doesn't know, this is already on the Unclaimed Badfic list. I'm not normally this stupid, I swear.

No, really, what? Also, why is Holly calling Artemis 'Arty'... More important, why is he standing for it?

Well, at least the grammar and spelling seem half decent... Ugh...

Sounds like a trollfic to me, I'll have to check it out.

I've gotten a virus from the Yu-gi-oh section of FFN in the past, and something this bad... argh. Good luck to you if you take it, though.

Blech.
It's a bad sign when the character declares their crush on the canon main character in the second sentence.
Also, it's terrible that she has 45 minutes to get to school? Heaven help her if she went to school in my district, where high school starts at 7:15. And how is 45 minutes not enough time to get ready?
For a fic set in an originally Japanese fandom, this fic (I've only read only the first chapter) is sadly un-Japanese. It's also riddled with punctuation and spelling errors.
Straw misogyny? Great.
Is it a little worrying that the Sue's evil self is meaner than Dark Yugi. And that crap about her 'little star'...

I'd say put it on the unclaimed list, see if anyone wants it, and if not, nab it if you fancy when you get Permission.

Also, can I request that any more badfic reports go on a current thread, rather than starting a new one? Every new thread on the Board deletes an old one from the very end, and we don't want too much of that.

You can put it on the unclaimed list if you want to. Just hope it is still there when you get permission.

Another option is to put it on the claimed fic list. You don't need permission to claim a fic. You only need permission to do something about it.

...That's it. I'mma go get a chainsaw, a flamethrower, a porcupine, some shaving cream and a jar of pickles.

Anyboy want to come with?

Argh... No one should have to have their childhood memories defiled like this. I grew up on Bill Nye videos! I loved every single part of the Back To The Future trilogy! NOBODY should be able to do this to these men of science and science fiction! Not even as a joke!

WHAT...WHAT WAS THAT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT BACK TO THE FUTURE IS, AND THAT MAKES MY BRAIN HURT. HOW *DARE* THEY DEFILE THE ULTIMATE SCIENCE GUY IN SUCH A WAY.

They make up the entire category of "better than the original". At least in my opinion. I've never read Eragon, though, so I can't judge this. Glad to hear it exists, though :)

Don't feed it honey.

Here have a slim jim newer-than-me-newbie

Welcome to the Board! Here, have some chocolate and enjoy your stay! And don't worry, we don't bite... unless we have to.

Fair winds!

Now you can throw BBQ parties!

Welcome to the board! Have a Generic Book.

Have a pet cat and a tin can. The cat is for hugs and snuggling. The tin can? Well, you can do many things with a can. I'm sure you will find something.

Jere, have an Adamantium Knife! it about the same weight and size of a regular knife, and cuts through almost anything (especially Sues). Make sure to use it wisely, and keep it away from Wolverine, he gets suspicious when people have Adamantium anything.

Hi! I'm only barely newer than you, but welcome! Have an empty ballpoint pen and a spoon.

Hi! Welcome to the board, let us delve the secrets of it together!
Have some orange juice, it's very good for short-circuting things. Or to drink, either or.

Have some Bleepermint Bark! It's made with Bleepolate (chocolate and Bleeprin) and crushed up candy canes. Good for getting bad 'fics out of your head, and festive too!
(If you're an avian or cannot have chocolate, sorry. I might be able to come up with a substitute.)

Have some chocolate.

And while you're here... why is it that I can never figure out how to say anything on the Why God Why board? Do I just have technical problems? Is it an oldbie thing?

Greetings, Rune-San! Have a Silver Ticket! I tried to get a Golden one, but they were all out.

Don't be nervous, Privet Runedragon. As Pretzel says, be don't bite unless you're made out of chocolate or you meet a vampire boarder. But I'm not sure if they exist or it's just a urban legend.
For newbie present, here you have a pine-scented fork. It's absolutely useless.

Welcome, new friend!

Have a shape-shifter egg! It will hatch into whatever you're thinking about at the time! Just try not to think of anything too dangerous...

No need to feel nervous; we don't bite here-- Well, unless you're made of chocolate. Then you're on your own. --so feel free to relax and have fun.

For your first newbie gifts, I present to you a spiffy Bag or Near-Infinite Holding, a plushie Companion Cube, and a Frying Pan of Doom^TM. Use them well.

Has somebody done this with other 'verses? (keep tracking of the Sues, I mean)

Not the one to come to for official rulings, but I'm pretty sure this isn't the place for a full post like this. Far as I can tell, it's better suited for another site like LiveJournal, with maybe a link here to there. Don't quote me, but I think this wasn't the best place to host the piece. I'll just hide now.

MiSTers:
Brian: Bored Genius
Micah: Little brother of Bored Genius
Jackson: Meathead best friend of Bored Genius
Kira: Bored Genius' Tomboy girlfriend
Kat: Goth girl with a bad attitude
Keiko: Japanese schoolgirl

>Yami Hakumei
KEIKO: Literally meaning, “sodomized with an inebriated garden tool”.
>The first day of school.
KIRA: And I was pantsed five times before class even started.
> For me any way's.
KAT: Oh gods, she’s going to tell her life story all the way from kindergarten?! Screw this, I’m going to go play Left 4 Dead 2… [Stands as if to leave and then sits down at BRIAN’s gesturing]
> It was the middle of the school year and I had been a
>transfer student.
MICAH: Where I was transferred to was worse than anyone else’s guess.
> I walked through the halls
BRIAN: And soon realized she was lost when she found herself walking on the ceiling.
> and made my way to the office. "Hello how may I help you?"
JACKSON: Yeah, I’ll have a large three-quarter pounder with cheese—
BRIAN: Jax, we already did a drive-thru joke. That’s on cool down for another week.
JACKSON: Shit, still? I thought that was reduced to two weeks in the last patch!
MICAH: Next patch. I’m still pissed at the Death Knight nerfing they’re doing…
> said the woman at the desk. "Yeah I'm new and I'm not
>shore
KIRA: [Secretary] Really? You look more like a beach to me.
OTHERS: …
MICAH: Lame.
KIRA: Shut up.
> where I'm supposed to be." I said shyly.
>"What's your name?" said the woman
>"Yami Hakumei" I answered
MICAH: Oh great. We’re stuck in the head of a Sue.
>The woman looked through some papers and pulled one out. >"Ah yes. You're our new transfer student."
BRIAN: [Yami] Did I mention I was the transfer student?
>I nodded. "Here's your schedule and the list of books you
> will need to get." she handed me some papers
KIRA: [Yami, reading the papers] “Don’t forget… milk, whipped cream, cherries, chocolate sauce…”
KAT: [Secretary] Oh, wrong paper! [Pantomimes taking the paper from KIRA and hands her another.]
KIRA: [Yami reading] “Meet me behind the gymnasium after I get out of school today, I have been thinking about you…”
KAT: [Secretary] That’s wrong too! [Replaces papers]
KIRA: [Yami reading] …Oh, OK. …”Human-dissection…?”
KAT: [Secretary] It’s a new class.
> and sent me off to my first class.
MICAH: After the hall monitor spotted me and set loose three large guard dogs.
>My first class was study.
BRIAN: I get a feeling the author didn’t do enough of that for this.
> I walked in quietly and sat down in the very back seat
> nearest the window.
JACKSON: Obviously the perfect spot for the emo Sue.
> A couple of girls walked over to me an asked me my name. >"Yami Hakumei" I said nervously. "That's quite a name"
KIRA: For a Mary Sue.
> said one of the girls trying to hold back laughter.
KIRA: She remembered this funny joke about Superman, Wonder Woman and the Invisible Man…
BRIAN: Kira, I thought you had taste.
KIRA: I’m going out with you, Brian, what taste?
BRIAN: Ah, touché.
> They walked away and started laughing and making fun of
> my name.
MICAH: I Mind Crushed them later that day during lunch.
> I folded my arms on the desk and put my head down.
MICAH: Assume the Crying Emo position.
> I had nothing to do,
KIRA: All my mindless wandering through the school helped me find the exits to block when I decided to shoot this place up…
> so I just stared out the window.
MICAH: First class and the Sue does nothing but mope because someone’s making fun of her name… What has this to do with KareKano again?
>Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder.
JACKSON: [Student] Can I have my seat back, please?
> "Hi" I said shyly.
>"Hey, your new right?" said the boy.
BRIAN: [Yami] Yeah. I’m going to get my left replaced tomorrow at the shop.
>"Yeah" I answered.
>"I see you met Karei and her posy"
JACKSON: She goes everywhere with that damn flower of hers.
>I nodded
>"I'm Koyuki Kanashimi."
KEIKO: Meaning “Silly windows going justly about apples”.
>"I'm Yami Hakumei."
MICAH: The definition you gave, Keiko, is a little disturbing…
>"Nice to meat you Yami."
JACKSON: You think he was checking out her melons?
BRIAN: With a slip up like that how more obvious can he get?
> he said. Then I heard a yell come from Karei. "Koyuki
> don't talk to her."
>"Why not?" Koyuki yelled back
MICAH: [Karei] She’ll give you cooties!
JACKSON: Aren’t you a little old for that thinking, Mic?
MICAH: …And?
>"She's a loner.
JACKSON: Ew, does that mean she’s a tran—
BRIAN: Loner, Jackson. Not boner.
> And I heard her parents are both dead.
KEIKO: And she smells funny. And she totally eats guys on her date. Cannibalism is nasty!
> Her dad killed her mom and then killed him self. And just
> listen to her name Yami,
BRIAN: [Karei] It’s like calling her Puke or Barf, that’s nasty.
> who wants a name that means darkness. So how many suicide
> pills are you on Yami?"
MICAH: This chick is getting an award for worst antagonist.
>I looked at her about to cry and put my head back own on
> my desk.
BRIAN: This is out protagonist, everyone.
> "Oh she's crying" said Karei sarcastically.
JACKSON: [Heavy Weapons Guy] Go cry, little baby! Cry some more!
>Koyuki walked back over to me
JACKSON: Where the hell did he go?
BRIAN: Probably to get coffee. He was needed out of the shot.
> and said "Hey just ignore them.
BRIAN: Say that when they follow you everywhere you go.
> Your name is beautiful.
KIRA: I thought her name was Yami…?
KAT: Nope. From now on it’s Beautiful.
KIRA: But that doesn’t make sens—
KAT: Beautiful!
[Continued]

Sorry about that. I didn't notice my post got sliced.

Agent concepts:

Aster Corbett: Human female, approximately 18-20 years old. Rescued from self-insert fic that was never finished beyond the first page.

Lore: Resembles a large canid beast, possesses reptilian/saurian feet, and horns. Black, eyes glow. A demigod in original fiction, but if he has powers they're unknown: He refuses to use them save for limited shapeshifting as disguise-- not even in emergency situations. Generally behaves like a (smug but ordinary) 30 year old human male, with no 'special' knowledge beyond what would be expected of a PPC agent: pretty much treat as an alien species.

Story for Mission: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6225510/1/Ganondorf_In_My_Crawlspace

Hormonal young woman with no idea of romance beyond kissing bends The Legend of Zelda Canon to force Link to immediately love her. This is hypocritical because she over and over again berates people who hit on her as 'pervs' while she flirts mercilessly with Link. Defeats Ganondorf with pig latin and Christianity, and receives the Triforce of Power and then it is never mentioned again. Later chapters have no plot beyond 'I wub Link it is twoo wub.'

What happened to the character replacement that Lore said had been taken care of? I know that means that it's dead or something, but what exactly happened?

Sorry. It's just no matter how much I re-read the mission, I just can't find the answer to my question.

It's a good introduction to your agents. I look forward to what you do with them in the future.

I commend you on your killing of it. The whole pig-latin thing was mind-blowingly stupid and the description of Handsome!Ganondorf made me crack up simply because of trying to imagine a cross between Christopher Eccleston and Edward Cullen.. *snickering.*
And I don't even know the Legend of Zelda canon beyond seeing my little cousin play it occasionally. Wow.

For some reason I can only see page one. Is there something I'm doing wrong?

That was a bit terrifying. The 'fic, that is; the mission was thoroughly enjoyable and elicited giggles. Thank you for that.

There is one thing I have to ask: why always Aster Corbett or Agent Corbett? I don't think I once saw her referred to as simply 'Aster.' Is that a stylistic thing? I am curious.

"She sparkles with the force of a thousand disco balls"

This is a masterpiece sentence. I'm still laughing!

The bit about the Quantum Warlord made me laugh. A very good first mission.

Very well done. Paticularily the fitting punishment at the end... Epona, you have done a service to us all.

Weloem to the Board! As is my custom, I'll give you some chocolate and wish you ane njoyable stay here!

The ...place... was full of humans/humanoids, all falling in slightly different categories and degrees of insanity. In their scratchy/pure, wavering/monotone, low/high and random voices they replied, "Do you expect us to know where we are? How the heck are we supposed to know where you are?" *stares all around*

Question: Did you make it into LotR through the movies, or the books?

How did Animorphs end? (I didn't read that far.)

Would you prefer this gift basket with knitting supplies and daggers, or this one with C4 and chocolate?

*Silmarillion

Han what? I like Han!

Have a pet cat and a lot of snow. Please take the snow. We have too much of it. Also, there may be a Deadly Looking Icicle embedded into it, so be careful.

Don't feed it Sues or Stus.

Welcome!

Have a soft hat, knitted from the spun downy pelts of Cute Animal Friends! It is sure to keep your ears nice and warm in the coldest, most unforgivably chilling badfic! And the depths of space too, I guess-- so long as you wear it under a helmet or something.

Welcome, new friend!

Have a Bug Fighter! It will aid you in traversing the spaces over which you govern.

Have a generic book.

Have some cookies. They're made of awesome.

And: Yay, Stargate! *squeedances**


* Don't actually imagine this. If you do, here's some bleeprin. *points at jar*

We've been getting a lot of newbies on the Board recently...
Anyway, have a festive holiday tin of Bleepermint Bark! Made with bleepolate (chocolate and Bleeprin) and crushed-up candy canes.

Fair winds!

Now you can throw BBQ parties!

Welcome to the Board, it's lovely to have you here. :) Have a bag of pebbles and a Random Shiny Object.

Also, you made a mini-Balrog! *pets Simeralion* I think you meant Silmarillion, but it's no big deal. I'll just take the little fella off to the Adoptions Agency. ^_^

Ah, Xiaolin Showdown... Thank CookieJar they're producing 26 new episodes. Season 4, here we come!

Also, not too shabby work on the MST.

I don't recall having seen this used as a comment on particularly creative things. The only times I have heard it used both in Real Life and online is in reference to acts of extreme stupidity.

Such as "What was he smoking to think that pouring all the powder from an entire case of bullets into the barrel of a gun and then pulling the trigger repeatedly was a good idea?" (Real life incident by the way, I think he kept all his fingers and the fire was contained to the kitchen--I'll have to ask my sister for an update).

Or "What drugs was that author on when they decided t at one in the morning to write the untold pornlove story of Frodo and Aragorn and post it before they went to bed at four that same morning."

Using it toward any act of creativity would be annoying, and there are much more creative insults that could be hurled in the general direction of the people creating either of the above situations, so I agree that it could be retired.

It's one of the many frankly stupid jokes that people seem inclined to make without thought or warning. But I actually haven't seen it that much.

"The next person who says 'Hur hur they must have been on drugs' gets punched. And the one after that gets stabbed."

Sounds like Kit belongs here.

Are you a Slacktivite? I lurk there.

There's an excellent TV Tropes page to the effect that actually making certain creative things while on drugs is difficult. And then we have that one poem about Kublai Khan in Xanadu that the author claims to have made on drugs. So... yeah. I guess dismissing anything odd as having been made on drugs is stupid. After all, something Axe Cop is excessively weird not because it was made on drugs, but because it was written by a creative seven year old.

I would provide linkses but I have no experience with this type of board and don't know how. I'd look it up if I had more time, and I apologize in advance for not doing so.

But it is very highly recommended. Kit Whitfield's an excellent writer, and her blog is very cool indeed.

I can't read either, because I can't access ff.net. And I really wanna, because it sounds like a really good read.

I haven't read Good Omens, so I couldn't tell you.

Does it seem OOC to /you/? Because if it doesn't...good. If it does... then don't post. PitViper's post looks like a vote of confidence.

And now my brain has exploded with showers of candy and caramel chunks. Yum yum, tasty brainsplosion.

The last time my brain asploded, I was watching two small children hatch a blue winged kitten from an egg. It was beautiful.

...It's from an anime. and believe me when I say it makes sense in context.

...I'll... have to give this one a look.

Since it's not a mission, do I have to post it in the Wiki? And, if yes, how?

It kinda sounds to me like the author was a kid, maybe about eight. Of course, if that's not the case, it just makes it so much worse.

It bugs me that there's a real phone number in the fic. I have to wonder if it's one the author actually knows, in which case that's kinda dangerous. {= P

~Neshomeh

The Department of Redundancy Department stuff cracked me up. Good on you!

That was entertaining. Except for the bits that were actually from the fic, of course.

And I liked how you threw in a reference to me and Laburnum's last MST, that was great.

Nicely done here, especially since this fic os so... terrible... *shudder*

The riffs were nicely done here, and helped distract from the awfukness of this fic. There is a reason why I don't like tentacle hentai...

(Also, I think a well-done Kingdom Hearts/Teen Titans crossover would be a good read.)

About the MST: Good! Really funny!

About the badfic: It's... horrible. Cannot say another thing. Brain melted out.

OK, stupid question.

I've had my LiveJournal for YEARS now and only recently have I been putting MiSTs on it. The process is slow and painful.

What's your secret to make it look so pristine? Or do you take hours on end, like I do, going through and bolding the badfic in context?