Aug 2008 Archive, part b

-I will not kidnap Rikku (FFX/X-2) and drop her in FFVII, especially right next to Yuffie. Nor is the reverse acceptable.
--Nor will I point the two at someone extremely rich and hint that he/she might have treasure/materia.
--Nor will I bring the two to HQ and hint that someone I particularly dislike might have treasure/materia.
--If they have already met via crossover, I will attempt to mitigate the damage, not add fuel to the fire by dragging in any of the following: Norma Beatty(Tales of Legendia), Anise Tatlin(Tales of the Abyss)... or any other canons who are even vaguely obsessed with unclaimed properties of a valuable nature. Captain Jack Sparrow is right out.

-I will not steal a necromancer's bells and attempt to use one of them for an exorcism.
--Especially not Astarael. Killing everyone in hearing range is not funny.
--Also not Kibeth. The Walker has a sense of humour.
--No. Just no.

-I will refrain from making bad puns regarding Jewels within earshot of anyone from the Black Jewels Trilogy and related works. They are not likely to be appreciated, by the canons or my partner.

-Captain Jack Sparrow does not need to know about the Legacy(ToL), no matter how funny I think the resulting bit of attempted piracy might be.

-I will not steal the weapons of any video game hero; they are likely to need them. Soon.
--Even if I am a raging kleptomaniac.

1. I will not introduce Sylar to the Master.
   --Or the Joker
   --Or Stewie Griffin
   --Or any other homicidal psychotic bent on world domination
   
   814. I will not claim Ianto Jones is Alfred Pennyworth's long lost son.
   --Even if it makes sense.

1. I will not mention cross-pollination around any of the Flowers.
   810. I will not allow King Leonidas and Davy Crockett to meet.
   811. I will not allow Zorro and Robin Hood to meet.
   -Even though that would be so many degrees of awesomeness.
   812. I will not tell anyone that they are the Banana King.
   -Nor will I tell them to put a banana in their ear.
   -Nor will I force them to go on a journey to "Candy Mountain".
   -In fact, Charlie the Unicorn reenactments of any sort are strictly forbidden.
   

On encountering any vampire, banshee, werewolf or undead agent I will not scream, "Back un-holy beast of the night!" at them.

-Nor will I atempt to ward them off with garlic, crucifixes, mirrors, pigs etc.

1. I will not tell the Doctor to "get over it, you've killed lots of women."
   --Or Angel.
   --Or any semi-imortal canon with a penchant for killing people.
   --Seriously, they have a reason to angst.
   
   807. I will not introduce Ned from Pushing Daisies to George from Dead Like Me.
   --Or Rube.
   --Or Mason.
   --Or any Grim Reaper.
   --Even if I want to find out what happens when he touches them.

• Or to Tattoine
  - Or Mount Doom
  - Or to any other desert/volcano canon location
  - Even if I am doing research on how to melt his bankai

1. I will not introduce Dr. Horrible to Lex Luthor.
   -Or any other supervillain.
   -Or any other superhero, for that matter.
   797. Bad Horse is not a Cute Animal Friend.
   798. The Freeze Ray song is not to be sung in DoSAT.
   -Or the laundry room.
   [Do we have a laundry room? There must be one somewhere, right?]
   799. I will not introduce Rorshach to the Question.

meet Lessa and Ramoth
- Or F'lar and Mnementh
- Or any other Pernese dragonrider pair.
795. I will not feed Sues to Pernese dragons.
- Listen, we don't need Suvian dragons
- Pernese dragons don't eat humans anyway
- Feeding Sues to fire lizards is also forbidden

1. The same goes for Lord Denethor and Lord Vetinari.
   773a. They probably keep in touch anyway.
   773b. Addendum: none of the following are to meet either:
   - Iron Man and/or Iron Monger and any Transformer.
   - General Grievous and the Daleks.
   - Cthulhu and the Ood.
   - The cast of Avatar The Last Airbender and the Planeteers.
   774. Galadriel is not Cersei Lannister.
   774a. Nor is she comparable to River Tam.
   774b. Although she can kill you with her brain.
   775. I am not allowed to lock Finrod Felagund and Remus Lupin in a room on the night of the full moon to see what happens.
   776. I am not allowed to portal Buffy the Vampire Slayer into the Twilight series.
   777. The same goes for the Winchester brothers.
   778. Just because I've seen the abridged series of a show doesn't mean that I know the canon and am able to go out on missions for that fandom.
   778a. No, reading the TvTropes page for it isn't enough either.
   779. I am not allowed to set up statues around HQ and broadcast a warning about a group of Stone Angels infiltrating the PPC.
   

1. I will not portal Lux into the Hub.
   - Not even if Lux asks me to
   - Not even if I think Jack would appreciate her
   - Not even if it's the only way to get her away from me
   766. I will not insinuate that Inuzuka Kiba and Akamaru are partners in that manner
   - Especially not within their hearing range
   - If I do I will not complain about my injuries later
   
   768. I will not allow Kurotsuchi Mayuri to meet Michael from Stargate Atlantis
   - Nor will I allow Szayel Apollo Grantz to meet Michael
   - Introducing them to each other outside of battle is right out
   
   769. The Shinigami from Bleach are not the same as the Shinigami from Death Note, and I should stop insinuating this
   - If I do so in hearing range of any Shinigami Agents (of either sort) then I shouldn't be surprised at the resulting injuries
   
   770. I will not refer to Kuchiki Byakuya's kenseikan as 'hair noodles' to his face ever again.
   - Senbonzakura hurts. Senbonzakura Kageyoshi hurts even more.
   - Agent Cerrin will also show her displeasure, in the form of her pyromaniacal boyfriend.
   
   771. I will not refer to Edward Elric as short (or any variation thereof) within his hearing range
   - Even if the resulting temper tantrum is funny
   - The same goes for Agent Trip; his fireballs hurt and rarely miss

1. I will not recruit more than one replica of a canonical character.
   -And preferably not replicas of canonicals who look extraordinarily alike.
   -Especially not until canon sorts that mess out.
   757. I may not clone characters myself.
   -Not even for stress relief. There will always be Sues to take it out on.
   758. I may not injure canonicals I find particularly aggravating.
   -Even if the injuries wouldn't show or be noticed.
   -Even if the injuries can be healed after.
   -Even if I neuralyse them afterwards.
   -I may, however, dress up a Sue like that character and punch her in the face.

731) Yelling 'Thunderbirds Are Go' every time you launch a space ship was funny the first 15,325 times.

732) I will not ask Professors Oak, Elm, Birch or Rowan how their Pokeballs are.
-Or Ash Ketchum.
-Or Gary Oak.
-Or anyone from the Pokemon World.

733) I will not allow Agent Arti to access a TF-Gun, even if the photos would be great for blackmail.
-Particularly if they would be good for blackmail.

734) I also will not allow Agent Arti anywhere near the choir. This is for the safety of everyone.

735) I will not portal to Paragon City if I believe I look good in superhero tights.
-Or the Marvel Universe.
-Or the DC Universe.

736)I will not portal to the Universe of 'Celebrity Deathmatch' just to arrange the deaths of my most hated celebrities or characters, even if it would be canon.

737) I will not go anywhere near DoGA if I use a lot of hair gel and / or come from a Final Fantasy Universe.
-Nor will I direct anyone wearing hear gel to DoGA.

738) I will not mention the name 'Robecca' in earshot of Aslan. If I do, I will only blame myself for the consequences.

739) I will never call a 'Digimon' a 'daemon'.
-Or vice-versa.

740) I will not portal another Agent into the middle of a Super Smash Brothers Brawl. Link's Triforce Slash [i]hurts[/i].

741) I will not tell Tidus from Final Fantasy X that he is such a dream.
-Just because it's true doesn't mean he'll take it well.

742) Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin must never meet.
-Even if the ensuing hilarity would be unlike anything the world has ever seen.

743) Just because I dreamt of fighting the Battle of Helm's Deep with a machine gun, does not make it canon.

744) I will not answer any Sue's insult with 'Yo momma' or 'Yo face'. This will often enrage them.
-Particularly Abused!Sues.

745) Wearing Airgears will not allow me to get places faster in HQ.

746) The 'Power of Three' won't set me free of the Sues, no matter how many times I repeat it.

747) I will never pit an army of Mary-Sues against the hordes of Heartless in Hollow Bastion. Though the results would be amusing, we do not need Sueified Heartless taking the hearts of PPC AGents just by thinking about them.

748) I will never put another Agent's name on the Death Note.
-Even if we can resurrect them.
-Even if the way they die would be hilarious.

749) I can not steal the Keyblade from Sora. My heart is not pure enough, nor am is it powerful enough to do so.

750) I will not burst into singing 'Stick to the Status Quo' when in the HQ Cafeteria.

751) Nor will I sing 'I Don't Dance' in response to 'Stick to the Status Quo'.

752) Actually, there will be no random songs inside of HQ other than in specially designated areas.
-Abusing the Specially Designated Areas may result in a conductor's baton being shoved up your nose.

753) I will not require a dance-off to settle disputes with other Agents. This may give the minis ideas, and we do not need holes burnt through the floors from the mini-Balrogs break-dancing.

754) Happy thoughts alone will not make me fly.
-I will also stop telling the New Recruits this.

755) Tinkerbell has enough issues already. I will not add more by kidnapping her so that I can fly.

(apologies if something similar has already been done; I've read the List before, but I can't remember all the details)

#. I will not portal into a Potter fic set in book six or early book seven to rescue Remus and Tonks
- No, not even for sake of little Teddy

#. I will not debate the qualifications for being a "star" within earshot of Yvaine.
- If I do, the resulting incineration is entirely my own fault
- even if I WAS innocently referring to celebrities

#. I will not kill Eragon
- or Sapphira
- or Arya
- or Paolini

#. I will not call Worf "Mr Woof" and expect to live
- only Lwaxana gets away with that
- same applies for "Will Scarlet"

#. I will not pretend to have missed rule #_[Trojie's] and give Edmund Peter's crown
- no, not even if the gold-versus-silver thing is blatently unfair
- we all know silver's better anyway

#. I will not annoy Lucy. Her aim with that dagger is too good... and SHE'S the one holding the cordial

1. I will not go on missions 'skyclad'
   - Or 'naked, like the celts'.
   -No, not even if the console beeped while I was in the shower
   -Walking around HQ like that is similarly discouraged
   -I only have myself to blame if Lux misinterprets it
   729. I will not take Napalm into Mirkwood
   -Or Mossflower
   -Or Lothlorien
   -Or any canonical wood or forest.
   730. I will not switch a Pernese dragon with a Hungarian Hornback
   -Not even if I think Lessa can handle it
   -Not even if I think Harry deserves something a bit easier during the first task
   -I can, however, switch a Sue's dragon for a Hornback

1. I cannot, and will not try to, simply rock into Mordor.
   715. I will not teleport an army of zerglings into Middle-Earth and zerg rush the Black Gate.
   - I will also not zerg rush the Citadel in City 17.
   - Or any of the Horcruxes.
   - Or Klatch.
   - Or any prominent building, land or object in any
   continuum outside of the Starcraft universe.
   716. I will not introduce Wall.E to Johnny 5.
   717. I will not teleport Goku into the Heroesverse, or Peter Petrelli into the Dragonballverse.
   718. I will not teleport Star Wolf into the PPC.
   - Not even at the request of a Flower.
   - The PPC can't let you do that, Agents.
   719. I will not make reference to Sharpteeth around the PPC Nursery.
   720. I will not attempt to kill off Mutt Williams if I enter an Indiana Jones 4 fic.
   - Nor will I try to kill Anakin Skywalker if I enter
   a Star Wars prequels fic.
   - No matter how much I want to send a message to
   George Lucas that his meddling kids are not
   appreciated.

I am a PPC Agent, not River Tam. My combat skills therefore DO have limits, and I DO need to practice to acquire skill with an unfamiliar weapon.
- However, just because she has incredible innate combat skills does not mean River Tam is a Sue.
- If she finds out you've been insinuating that she's a Sue, she'll take you to the forking cleaners, mate.

I may not kill Peter Pevensie and install Edmund as High King instead.
- No, not even if Edmund is the more sensible of the two and would therefore be a more suitable king.
- Peter isn't a Stu, honestly.
- I know he's irritating, but still.

On that note, I am not allowed to rip movieverse!Susan away from movieverse!Caspian at the end of 'Prince Caspian'
- Movieverse technically is a legitimate canon, okay?
- And the fact that her name is Susan does not make her a Sue.
-Ripping Susan away from Caspian and substituting Peter or Edmund, while tempting, is not allowed either.
- While we're at it, ripping Susan away from Caspian and substituting yourself is RIGHT OUT.


I am not allowed to take an MP3 player into fics in order to play 'Smack My Bitch Up' when I assassinate Sues
- Ditto 'Battle Without Honour or Humanity'
- Ditto 'Back in Black'
- I am not allowed to play any song when assassinating Sues. That's only one teeny step from having a theme-tune.

I am not allowed to hit Agent July in the head
- She gets concussed enough as it is by herself, she doesn't need help.
- If I have reason to need to stop her from doing something, I should hit her somewhere else instead.

I am not allowed to mention the Kraken from POTC in the hearing of Agent Trojie if I value my own ignorance of invertebrate anatomy.

I am not allowed to pit Jadis the White Witch against the Witch-King of Angmar.
- Not even if I think it would be a bitchin' fight scene.

Building Maintenance do not go armed and are not generally proficient with weaponry in any case. This does not mean I can irritate them at will, as they are EXTREMELY proficient with electricty and explosives and can collapse my RC on me if I piss them off.

1. I will not lock Agent Stormsong in a small room with Agent Ansela and her bagpipes.
   
   702. I will not lock Agent Risa in a room filled with reptiles.
   -If I do I will take full responsibility for the resultant injuries
   
   703. Kira Izura from Bleach is not Kira from Death Note. Therefore I will refrain from tying him up and dumping him in L's room with a note saying 'I am Kira'.
   - Tying Kira up and kidnapping him for other reasons is also out.
   
   704. Setsuna F. Seiei is not Yagami Light, therefore I should stop asking him to use his Death Note to kill Sues with.
   
   705. Sentient Gundams do not belong in HQ. Especially not if they are Stus.

Is there any way this differs from the Historical Innacuracies Division of the Department of the Department of Technical Offences?

hS

My agent is in what often seems like the ultimate history-muck-up fandom around, so I'll stick her in. Eni'll work Ancient Chinese history (and anything else I know something about) if needed.

I've handled a few fanfics that mucked up history. But is this department specifically for fandoms that have a historical setting or does it go everywhere?

Agent Allison might be interested. Her knowledge of history is anekdotal and mainly covers 19th and early 20th century West-European and (some) American history.

Would definitely say expand it. And then post it.

Very well written.

Wikilot's kinda... uh... dead. Apparently they only gave one day's notice, so... um... no one was really happy with them about it.

Most of the stuff was saved, though, and there's a new wiki... I believe it's here. The front page looks kinda barren at the moment, but it looks like most everything is there.

Does that help?

If it's adding club, like the PPC orchestra for example, then I shouldn't think so. If, however, you want to alter the history of the whole organisation, then yes. You'd need to give more details on what you want to do before you get a proper answer, I think. I could be wrong; I'm just a humble midbie, but I don't think you've given enough information.

I can do technicalities, and I have no problems with smut. Send away!

I have gmail so googledocs is great

*gives a Ypur calf* It's like a tiny yak, except it's blue, eats sausages and has really spiky horns. It's really cute, though.

Welcome back to the board! :D

Welcome back to the board! :D

Lurkage is all well and good, but welcome back to the active life. Witty sarcasm and odd opinions rarely hurt anyone. And then only if they're written on a stone and thrown at them.

Glad to see you're not yet dead.

Thanks for the help, but I've since decided that it was fantasy. Supernatural is probably only ghosts etc, isn’t it?

Sorry that I couldn’t give a better explanation before, but my time at the library was almost up and I was about to get booted off the computer because of it. Anyway, here's the plot outline. It's still only a draft and could potentially change at any time. It's met with mixed comments from the few I've shown it to so far. I've also just recently changed a few things, so if something doesn't make any sense, call me out on it.

The year on Earth is 22?? (unsure of exact year. Probably the latter part of the century). Kyle Redfield, Europe’s stealthiest burglar, has been a thorn in the side of the police for over fifteen years. When a strange woman arrives at his door, bloodied and beaten, he feels a strange urge to take her in rather than send her to a hospital. As he nurses her back to health, he hacks into police files and finds no mention of the woman ever existing.

Demanding answers, Mala tells him that the worlds of magic and science used to be one, but split apart centuries before because of an unknown cataclysm/someone who wanted to separate them (haven’t decided). So far, so cliché. But don’t worry. I try to put an original spin on all clichés.

During the time they were separated, the magical world, Orlornu, faced a deadly danger and so the Circle was created, a ruling council with absolute power composed of a male and a female of every race: elf, nymph, troll, pixie, ogre, vampire and more. The Circle managed to save Orlornu from destruction, but the power they wielded began to corrupt them. Within a century, they had almost total control of Orlornu, but they wanted more.

Some of the rebels who refused the Circle’s rule attempted to fight back, but most fled through discovered rifts in reality and arrived on Earth in the early 20th century. Since then, the rebels have slowly tried to convince humans of the coming fight while the Circle’s minions hunted each of them down. While the rebel’s numbers were slowly whittled down to less than a hundred, the Circle’s power somehow continued to grow. Now, as their invasion force numbers into the millions, they have almost enough power to start to directly affect Earth and cause chaos throughout the planet: alter human minds on an immense scale to tie them up in massive, senseless wars; alter Earth’s geography to cause volcanic eruptions under major cities or even, if they so chose, burn away the atmosphere entirely.

Kyle refuses to believe her at first, thinking her to be a crazy woman who somehow escaped the government’s records. But when Mala is attacked by the ogre who caused her so much damage before, he starts to realise the truth of what she said. But will he be able to fight against the magic slowly polluting the world?

The answer is obviously yes as he’s the main character. I just nicked part of this off of a blurb I once wrote for it. It was riddled with clichés like that. Try this one: “If he wants to survive, he must fight for everything he believes in before it is destroyed by everything he doesn’t believe in.” Clichéd or what? Sounds like a B-movie.

But anyway, the magic is sort of undefined. If you want to do something, you can do it, as long as you have the power and the will to do it. It seems like a deux ex machine, but the Circle are the ones with the real power, not the good guys. All of the races have magic with the possible exception of vampires and the like. They might have something else. Cloaking and disguising spells are the easiest, which is how everyone moves around Earth without detection. Fire magic is the most commonly used as it’s one of the easiest things to summon and control.

This leads to the only way to detect a cloaked/disguised person: infrared (also the title of the series). Under an infrared detector, the person shows up as pure white because of the energy of the fire magic inside them. They can contain it inside them so that they don’t burn anyone they touch (though their skin always feels hot), but they can’t control it enough to appear as anything other than white on infrared. On a related note, exactly what temperature is white on an infrared scanner? Because I may need to change this slightly if it’s stupidly hot.

Yes, I know this sounds so dreadful that I should probably just give up now, but a) it sounds far, far better in my head and b) I just want to give it a try anyway. But any other helpful hints?

If they're the only magical element in an otherwise realistic setting, I'd say Supernatural. If there are other magical elements, it's more fantasy.

Myself, I'd use LiveJournal. There are numerous fiction communities there. You might not get as many reviews as you would on FictionPress, but the overall quality of your fellow posters is much higher.

If they were, in fact, supernatural, or other elements in the story pushed it into the supernatural, that might be different. As in, if you actually were using the Norse roots. But if you're not, then I'd say probably fantasy.

http://www.fictionpress.com/ is FictionPress's website. I don't know about where else to post original fiction, but I'm kind of afraid of that website because of the ties which link them to the Pit.

Have a pair of ice-skates!

I'm desperate to ask what Jay and Acacia were like, if one can know someone over the internet, but I'm trying my hardest to be a good little fangirl and not pester the oldbie. :P

Um, yeah.

I think I recall you too. *pokes cautiously* Box of biscuits? *offers said item*

Wow, you really make me feel like a newbie. Or maybe LVJ from HFA. Seriously. I'm not really babbling nonsense like an actual baby, but I still feel like one...
Or maybe I am rambling.

Don't know if you remember me, but I definitely remember you being on the Board. High-five, old-timer!

Oh my God, a dinosaur. Why aren't you fossilized yet? *pokes suspiciously* At the very least you should've been stuck in a tar pit. Or frozen in a glacier.

...what I mean is, um, hi. And a Ypur is a furry blue yak thing with spiky horns and a taste for sausages, born from a spambot's typo. You can make scarves out of its hair if you want.

welcome back to the Board! Have welcome-back lembas!

I gift you with a welcome back egg whisk, because everyone needs one. It's shiny, gold-plated, and whisks not only eggs, but spambots and author wraiths! Use it for good and not much evil.

Hope to see more of you!

I already said hello on LJ, but I'm saying it again: Welcome back!

I'm sure JulyFlame has given you a link to the Wiki--I strongly suggest checking it out to acquaint yourself with the goings-on of the last four years.

Wow... compared to you I am among the newest of newbies. That aside, I gift you with your very own bag of pebbles for throwing at Sues and a Random Shiny Object for gazing at.

It's always nice to have new faces around, and I think you qualify as one :)

Refamiliarise away. The PC's been through some major upheavals since you left.

Have an iguana, since I wasn't around to give them out the first time.

Your name sounds familiar, perhaps we share livejournal friends. *is Elvenpiratelady over there*

You won't know me, I'm sure, but that's okay. Nice to meet you!

I was still a Suethor then, but welcome back.

Do you want your Agents to live in a Response Center or a TARDIS?

Anyways, though, welcome back!

I already gave you the wiki link, but once more won't hurt, right? XD

So once again, welcome back. ^^

Seriously, the whole thing was just one Crowning Moment of Awesome after another.

Relentless.

That was pretty awesome.

But betaing's easier with your email address...

One word: Bloodwrath.

He hasn't yet gotten used to some of the weirder aspects of the PPC...the snaperrifle will utterly freak him out. He may start hitting things, and he may become convinced that this is somehow Maria's fault.

you can have Cassie, Nat or Tyler.

Cassie might not realise straight away, but when she does she'll panic and ask everyone in range what to do. Nat will realise that instant, and she'll go methodically berserk. As in, hunt down whoever did it and threaten them (maybe even get a little violent) till they change her back. Tyler would just be bewildered, and probably try to take the snaperrifle to DoSAT for examination.

It's really up to you. Lunac is more straightlaced, so if he got shot with sugar, he'd really let loose for once. But if it were Arti, considering he's many-times over insane, having just turned much of the PPC temporarily into females, then you're asking for insanity in epic proportions. Anyways, either is free for you to use.

admittedly, I'm a little fuzzy on the details of Myst, but aren't Sirrus (is that even the right spelling?) and Achenar brothers? the author shouldn't put this one under "family/general" if I'm right.

"Family/General" is not quite the genre I'd have put that thing in.

Unfortunately, the canon is wholly unknown to me, and, I think, to Trojie too.

Sorry

All My files are .wav-s.
And The Mp3 player I use to record is hard to work with.

Could someone post a converter? It would go a long way toward getting these lines in.

Should be recording mine today.

I never knew that...*sulks* I always miss out on the good stuff.
I play piano and sing...maybe I could do soundtracks or something? (But then I'd have to do something regarding recording...)
Just wondering.

Trojie should have my lines in her inbox.

~Neshomeh

I was just posting as a reminder to mke sure everyone wouldn't forget. We don't have any rush. There is NO deadline.

I'll just be posting a reminder, maybe once every two to three weeks, with an updated list of who's handed in their lines. It's a memory jog for the people whose memories aren't too good, not an accusation or a request to hurry up or anything.

Sorry, my memory is sort of shot to hell...

Got them recorded, only to realize that they're in .wma. Which is unhelpful. Just need to figure out how to either convert or how to record in mp3.

But I'm on it, I promise!

I just finished the final exam for this half of the trimester last night, so I should be able to do at least two characters in the next two nights. At the very latest, you'll have them by the end of next week.

But you'll have to remind me every so often. My memory's not terribly fantastic. :P

Job searching, working on OFUR alone since Kit was busy with his exams, and lack of a functioning mike kind of got in the way. I will get it done ASAP.

i'll get mine to you as soon as possible. it'll have to wait until i have complete use of my hand though, since i need to move things to plug my headset in.

And to Trojie's gmail address, too. Odd. I'll send them again, I suppose - it'll have to wait a few hours until I get home from class, though.

Also - should Le Jai bring a cardboard sign? Y/N?

I checked it out about a onth or so ago, wanting to know if it had been sporked. I'm pretty sure it was killed by Agent Daffyd. I might be wrong, but you should probably check that out.

Wasn't hacked, it's just part of an epic trolling.

Because, after all, My Immortal doesn't get a Legendary Badfic label for nothing. I'd love to see Ebony Whats-her-face murdered. But I'd also fear for your Agent's(or is it s'?) sanity, so...good luck with that. Maybe Upstairs will grant you a vacation after the mission.

Every time I see it, I click it. And every time, I wind up hitting my head on something. Ugh. It's hard to believe someone might be writing it seriously.

The hacking is... okay, I guess; kinda interesting. But I'd also be very, very interested to see the trauma inflicted upon the poor Agents who have to kill it.

And, mind if I ask who the lucky person you're planning to collaborate with is?

…Shakespeare badfic makes the Bard spin in his grave, right? And when anyone makes Shakespeare spin in his grave that's moving his bones, right?

Excellent mission. I gather that the Sue has "twenty trenchéd gashes in her head/The least a death to glitter?"

And I think it was plenty funny. Poor Agent Glass... at least the mission went off mostly hitch-less.

...but wow. Sues for Shakespeare. That almost hurts my head.

I thought it was very funny. It can be really hard to write solo missions, but you pulled it off very well.

I can't believe there's Sues for "Much Ado About Nothing." That's just...gyah. Well slain.

How dare a Sue mess with Shakespeare like that? And her backstory was so ... dumb ...

Not that you expect much better from a Sue, of course. Nice work!

I'm stoopidly late, but hey!

Argh, no more lolcat for me, I think. Welcome to the PPC!

On a completely unrelated note, you have possibly the best name for Scrabble I've ever seen. 13 points!

...because I can't think of anything better. *is sheepish*

Ah, well. Welcome! Good to meet you!

- Sedri

It's a tasty baked treat, unless you've been warped by carrying an artefact of Ultimate Evil ... which I'm sure you haven't.

Welcome to the PPC Board!

What 'verse did Heinlein write?

*gives a box of biscuits*

Use it to melt 'Sues. Literally.

Slayers AND Heinlein? I think I'm in love... Platonically, of course.

Here, have a spatula, since people have already given you the spork and the whisk.

*platonic glompage*

So which ones d'you like? I became mildly (okay, extremely) obsessed with Tunnel in the Sky around third or fourth grade. (I think I even created some fic in my head but abandoned it within a few hours. Such was the workings of my mind in those days. :P)

Any agents?

Have a P-90. It's very good for killing Sues with. I see July has already given you a link to the Wiki.

Come on in and say goodbye to your sanity. It will not help you here.

I gift you with an egg whisk! It's shiny, gold-plated, and it whisks spambots, author wraiths, and eggs! Use it for good and not much evil.

Welcome to the insanity!

*slightly boggling*

How'd you end up here, outta curiosity? Plat?

A link to the PPC wiki.

Welcome! I give you...a shrubbery!

You can find fic for anything. The question is, do you want to?

Hi there! Welcome welcome. Have a spork and some duct tape, and good wishes and luck for the future.

Of course, I know you already, but welcome to the Board!

I present you with your very own bag of pebbles for throwing at Sues and a Random Shiny Object for gazing at.

I shall refrain from going on too much, as I can get over-enthusiastic in my greetings, but I am sure that people will be along shortly to give you the usual links and newbie-presents.

The PPC might have enough opponents.

The idea has come up before, too, though it doesn't appear to have been continued past the second chapter- Ashes to Glory, archived about half-way down here. I don't know… maybe it's not a project for one person. Might have potential as an RP, but I'm not much of a fan of the fodder idea. I understand you mean characters who aren't much liked any more by their creators, but… it seems off, to me. *shrugs* I'm not sure about this.

Before I say anything, I'm just going to point this out. This is my opinion. No one else's, this isn't Official, hell, let's say this really isn't even PPC related, yeah?

Let's just pretend this is me and you.

I'd like to know what made you think that you could delete some entries off of the wiki's badfic list since they weren't "brought up here". See, there's thing about a wiki. Anyone can add anything. And anyone can delete it, too. But the thing is, no one needs damn permission or needs to give notification to add something to it. So I don't see why you saw the need to give that reason. By and large, your reason for taking those off? Excuse. Bad excuse. To me, all that first sentence of yours says is "BAWWWW. SOMEONE HURT MY FEELINGS.". I'd have to say that it's probably bad manners for the author of whatever was posted up there to remove it his or herself, that should be something a third party does.

People can take a fic off that list if they think it doesn't belong there if they have a look. Some of those fics? They probably don't deserve to be up there. After all, a lot of those were probably added after a look at the summary and a cursory look at the the first chapter or so. Maybe even less.

If someone added it there because they have a grudge with you, well, that's between them and you. Leave the PPC out of it. Getting other parties involved in a two way arguement just leads to more problems. So stop that garbage NOW.

And okay, so you think your fic is okay. You think it's written well technically, but you're thinking it's boring. You wrote it, you completed it. FANTASTIC. Unfortunately, it's not really your opinion that matters if you put it online for others to read, is it? It's the readers that decide if a story is good or not, if they think the writing is good or not, and so forth. All the proofreading in the world is not going to change that. And putting down the word you think it's boring too? That's not how it works. You do your best to make a good story, and good stories are not 'dull and uninteresting'. And as the Trojanhorse said, parody Mary Sues are difficult. It's hard to carry a parody off properly no matter what. Parody and satire are dangerous beasts, and people can and will read them improperly and your 'parody' Sue is going to be just a Sue. They're going to take it at FACE VALUE.

And hip hip hurrah, you want to write a PPC emergency where the PPC has to deal with destruction coming from within or without by a person or persons that know how stories work and are intelligent. Shall I point you to Huinesoron's Reorganisation? Or the as of yet uncompleted Crashing Down? How about Tawaki's subplot that involves Big Brother? And on the subject of normal characters being turned into Mary Sues, there's Suedom. And this is the stuff that's on the top of my head, there's probably quite a bit more out there.

Also, C-List? There are no 'C-List' Agents. There are Agents still used by their creators. There are Agents that have officialy retired. There are Agents that are in that limbo of being unwritten since their creators left and might return, or not. Thinking of any character as being C-List isn't right, because you know something? This is a shared verse. What I might think of a C-List Agent is right at the top of someone else's A-List.

And what would happen if someone came back, wanting to write a mission with their old Agents, and got told, 'Oh, sorry, you weren't around anymore, so we figured it'd be okay to use your old Agent as a dramatic sacrifice basically since we didn't think you'd ever come back'.

Killing off someone's character is not cool unless you have permission from them and you're totally sure they'd be okay with it. Plenty of us have made characters purely for being 'Red Shirts'.

And you don't think any of us have thought about the 'oh, wait, won't my character be a Mary Sue' issue? I promise you, quite a few of us have. And the thing is, most of us succeeed at preventing our characters from being Mary Sues.

Want to know how?


Because the PPC is, first and foremost, just a humor thing. It's a shared universe, and it has its serious moments, but for the most part, the PPC is comedy. While the characters might not get into serious trouble or mess totally up, it's because there's only so far you can go before it is no longer Funny. Everyone asks themselves, how much humor can we get out of this happening to this character? How bad can my character screw up without getting hurt or waist deep in serious trouble?

And as to Mary Sues in the PPC? Some of them are ex-Mary Sues. And others, well, you saw the DIO page, didn't you?

We don't really have 'C-list' or 'cannon fodder' Agents in the PPC ... kinda goes against the whole idea, y'know, since we Don't Leave A Man Behind, and the latest thing with the Mary Sue Factories ... mass produced is for the enemy, dude. And since people only create a few Agents, usually, and get attached to them, I sincerely doubt anyone will volunteer their characters. I certainly won't be.

I can't vouch for the quality of your stories as they aren't my fandom, but if they were on the page then someone at least thought them worthy of sporkage. It's my experience that parodying badfic only ends with worse badfic; perhaps try and steer clear of it? I don't doubt that you tried very hard, but a Mary Sue, even one developed carefully, is a Mary Sue, and you can probably understand why it's hard to differentiate between one done as an 'anvil to the head blatant parody' and one written by someone with too much sugar in their bellies.

Just saying, is all.

- Trojie

Here.

Have an Evil Manatee Fun Ball. 8D

Trust me.

I'm also pretty paranoid of any of my OCs being 'Sues. I've put some of them through the litmus test about three times, just to make sure. Stupid thing was, they WERE 'Sues, but I totally didn't lie on the test! >
Erm, yeah. Welcome!

Not going to say much besides that they annoy me to no end and that I'm really paranoid about any of my OC's being Sues, to the point where I actually slammed them through the Litmus Test just to make sure.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one. Better safe than sorry, I suppose...

We differ in that I'm actually terribly fond of slash (to the extent that Bad Slash fills me with uncontrolable rage)but other than that we seem to be okay. *shakes your hand* Nice to meet you. I know you didn't list any of their titles in your list of fandoms but have you ever heard of the group CLAMP?

Because it suits your name so well. Do note the bunny ears and bloody dagger attatched to its brim. ;p

Great to meet you!

- Sedri

Speaking as someone who also seeks to find the worst she can and kill it from a sense of Duty, welcome!

I officially heart you. You are on my list of awesome people. Invader Zim and Kingdom Hearts?

Have a pointe shoe. Nice and hard, good for smacking things with.

And welcome. I'm kinda new myself, but... well, you know. ^_^

Under starlight, under something-that-might've-been-a-moon-somewhere-else light, under- well, whatever light happens to be going your way currently, I guess. *grabs hat so's she can tip it at you*

*headtilt* …'ve I seen you elsewhere?

Which fandoms were you around first in? Might not be relevant, I just wonder, since- as I understand it- slash's meaning has kind of changed over time.

*glees at fandoms* Fun!

…there could be physical pleasure. Maybe. Me, I, uh- snakes. *twitch* Though more the other one.

…that one might've been a troll though, given the last line.

Anyway. Welcome! *hands over a box of biscuits*

Welcome to the PPC!
*grins at a dark-skinned man who is glaring in The Mad Hattie's general direction*
Ignore him - he's one of my agents (and one of my OCs generally. come to think of it). His nickname's actually Mad Hatter, which is why he's glaring...I think. Although he could just be glaring at you for the hell of it. He does that occasionally.
So, anyways, have a top hat. They are most cool and awesome. And this one has sporks sewn into the lining.
Oh, and yayness for more FMA fans XDD

Here, have some cookies. I baked them myself and I hope they're not too badly burnt. Bon Appetit!

made of blue ypur fur. It's nice and fuzzy, although it tends to look a bit ridiculous.

A ypur, actually, is a blue yak in appearance, with extremely spiky horns and a taste for sausages. Spambot sausages they like the best, since they were born from a troll's misspelling of "your". How that happens I really have no idea. o.o

Anywhoo. *waves madly* *cackles*

Wiki link has been given out already, so I have nothing to give you.

Aside from chewmarks.

I probably don't have rabies though, so aren't you lucky?

Apologies, I am a little hyper. Greetings, hail and well met, and other such welcoming phrases.

*hands over a bag of pebbles for throwing at Sues and a Random Shiny Object to gaze at*

July and Ansela seem to hand out the links now, which I used to do till July yelled at me for it. :)

Anywhoo. Lovely to have you. As others have said, the place for sanity is at the door. You may as well leave it there till you head back out. Everyone else does.

*hugs*

Ahem. Um.

Have an egg whisk! It's shiny, gold-plated, and whisks spambots, author wraiths, and eggs! Use it for good and not much evil.

Welcome to the insanity!

Welcome. Have a P-90. It's useful for killing Sues.

Have you checked out the PPC Wiki yet? It has quite a lot of useful information for anyone involved with the PPC. Also, read The Original Series (not to be confused with Star Trek) if you have time.

You say you don't like slash? What about canonical homosexuality? Or fics set several years after the canon ends, when the characters could plausibly have entered into a relationship with someone?

Welcome to the PPC and leave your sanity at the door. You won't need it here. *laughs madly*

Welcome, Hattie! I give you a quartrain.

Welcome, new person, to the PPC
Where things are weird but very fun
When faced with Badfic Legendary
Don't read a word, just start to run.

...I never said it was a good quatrain.

Hiiiiiiii. It's about bloody time you joined. Have a spork and some duct tape. Nice to have you on the crew. And I can't *believe* you included Okami :P (FUNBALLLLL!)

I'll leave the more informational and business-like stuff to those who usully do it (Cassie, etc.). Yay for joining!

SealRat

Forgot to post the link.

Linky: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1247682/1/Dont_look_for_trouble_it_will_come_to_you

Anakin's mysteriously disappearing apprentice, I mean. The writers seemed hopelessly in love with her.

... that until this year, the only section to exist at all was the PPC one. This year I said that stories could be written for any of them, but as it turned out I was still the only person who did anything in the Wiki (and that took effort). But yes, they'll all be open next time, too. No pages until someone writes something, though.

hS, general-purpose busybody

That you missed it. Last month or so. And I believe hS the Fanfic Land Admin does that once a year or so. Lurking a bit more often helps you keep an eye on the cool stuff like that.

I can volunteer Agent Arti for this. He needs a bit more of a background to him. My expertise is mostly in the Keys to the Kingdom, so I can help out there.

Intriguing idea, by the way.

hi guys i am young boy like you i have free candy and yummies at my house pls come and get free candy like haloooweenie and you wil be very happy go to red van by house with scratching FREE CANDY and eat candy and have yummy yummy feeling then sleep at my house and lets HAVE FUNNY FUN and CANDY pls come i am young boy lonely 11 male lonely

I'm usually one of the people going, "Ooh, badfic, let's see just how painful it is."

...this is so way over my head. I agree with Skid; I am actually frightened of reading this story. After all, it appears that the person writing it not only has good grammar and spelling, but is doing it in all seriousness.

...and wait, average of 5 stars? Out of... 5? *shudder*

I'm going to hide under the table now, 'kay? To those agents who might be brave enough to read through and attack this fic... good luck.

I'm actually afraid to read this. I just got into Bleach and I don't want it to be ruined forever.

I'm envisioning someone making the comment

'One went to the Department of Mary-Sues, to destroy the immortal, wisest, and fairest of all creatures.
Three went to the Department of Bad Slash, to kill the Angsters and masters of the male hoardes.'
And Five. Five went to the Department of Geographical Aberrations, who above all else, desire fire.

And one... One actually became a Mary-Sue and was killed after glomping Agent Suicide! Squeee!'

For those of you who missed it, there was a bot spamming the board with the same post at a rate of several posts per minute for several hours last night. I posted the above post at about 2 in the morning, when it looked like the bot had stopped for a while. I've been exchanging E-mails with both the server.com folks and the hosts of the server doing the spamming, we'll see what happens with that. The posts around here will be more than a bit weird as all the (hundreds of) spam posts were deleted, leaving our inserted comments without context.

Plainly our dropping a 5,000 pound rhino on the first one made them angry... Maybe a 10,000 pound rhino this time?

...again, dunno the continuum ...

Maybe we need some DBS agents for the anime/manga continuua. Any volunteers?

Though I do find the memes amusing, and some of the Holders are fun.

Would it count as Sueism if my agents tried to give a Sue or a /b/tard troll to a Holder, then realised that they were within its line of sight and the only way to actually get out was to pass the test to get the Object?

Wheeee!

I'm pretty good with stylesheets. Let me know what you need tinkered with.

awful timing. I blew in in the middle of your spam crisis, looking around at places I used to lurk such a long time ago.

But hooray! All is not lost, and you have a delicious new refuge!

The links... they're blue. I feel like I've wandered into an AU by accident.

... okay, it doesn't look very different. But the ability for security guards (cheers on that title, by the way) to block bad IPs is, I think, the best combination we could ask for in terms of keeping things the same and not being so open to attack.

I'm quite happy for a permanent switch - just so long as we don't end up using both interchangeably, because that will just drive us all mad. One or the other. I'd favour this one simply for the password guards.

I was wondering whether you were still around, hS. Good to see you're alive.

Is anybody else wondering "Why now, after all these years with no serious spam problems?" Or am I just paranoid?

Style sheets... I know a little bit, but I'd have to see the thing. It's been a while since I took that HTML class. There would probably be trial and error involved.

As for moderators, we've never had official mods, but there have always been people who stepped in when stepping in was needed. If we were to have official mods, we'd just have to appoint those people.

Perhaps it is time to stop being so very resistant to change.

~Neshomeh, rather annoyed.

Wiki front page has been updated with this news.

I'll be sure to keep that updated on the situation.

And if this is a permanent switch, I can offer the wiki page for the Constitution to be linked to, or if not that, we could always whip up a freewebs or something for it.

Seems to me they'd be less like authority-wielding mods, and more like kind of security guards. I think that kind of a system would mostly be used just when we needed to get rid of a troll or something, like you said. It doesn't necessarily mean they'd have to act as moderators. (We could give them Dandelion uniforms or something.)

Nonetheless, I'm in favor of keeping the old board, if only because we don't need to update the web address or anything and it makes it easier for those of us who have the old URL memorized.

Also, far from being silly, you pretty much become Board Hero for the moment. I think. Do we have hats or something for this kind of occasion? (on pressure from outside sources, I also requisition a hat for July and Dann, for also saving the day.)

And welcome back! Unless you've been just lurking all this time. In which case, welcome back to... Posting.

Different, though. And blue. But at least we have a Board again!

Seems okay here. Nice to have a backup, at least.

Much better without all the spam.

PS Did anyone else see that spam message that was different? The one about little boys and candy or something?

Should I (or someone else) post every few weeks or so on the old board? Just to stop it going down?

That's weird.

Thank you very much, hS. This is very nice.

Aww, a new place. Which is nice, but...not as good as being able to post at one board without fear of evil spamminess.

Evil evil spambots.

*flips off troll*

Temporary sounds like an excellent idea, unless we really do have to leave the old place for good. Which hopefully we won't.

Cassie, who is always encouraging.

Didn't someone volunteer to make a list of them like the Mini-Balrogs at OFUM?

are about to get their RC flooded with ypurs. You can adopt from there, if you like.

I dunno, first thing I could think of.

All the spam messages seem to be gone. Yay!

~Neshomeh

Although this was the same spambot who'd made a brief appearance weeks ago (and was the creator of the ypur). So it might come back.

Or Techno-Dann was successful. One of the two.

But it had done that several times over when it had been spamming.

With help form those who know more about mammalian biology than me *Coughs*Trojie*Coughs*. You know, just for the fun. I did Pokemon fanfics a while ago, and I wouldn't mind creating a fictional background to the Ypur. It would take me back *Reminsces until he gets buried under a pile of Ypurs*
Ok, there's 845 of these, we need to give them something to do...

Ding Dong! The Spammer's dead. Which Spammer? The Wicked Spam!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Spammer's dead.
Wake up, sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the Wicked Spammer's dead!
She's gone where the goblins go,
Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know
THE WICKED SPAMMER'S DEAD!

(... Yes, I have just been watching the Wizard of Oz. Bite me.)

*indulges in nibbles, but keeps her egg whisk at the ready*

Admittedly, I missed most of it because I was at the cinema, but yay for vanished!spambot! :D

*gets a noise maker*

*fweeeee~*

after seeing the new addition to Nyx Nightingale's wiki page, this request suddenly seems to make a lot more sense.

Vitaemo v Ukrainu

Pronounced something like vuh-TIE-eh-mo v(just a v sound) oo-krai-EE-no


My mom speaks Ukrainian ^_^

Try this site: translator

It appears to be completely Ukrainian, and provides a number of different translations, first in the Cyrillic alphabet (at least, I presume that's what it was), then, under that, Roman for pronunciation.

The only thing is, when I typed in the phrase, it spat the words out individually with no regard to grammar...

Another option might be to find a list of Cyrillic-to-Roman characters ~ there's all sorts of things like that for Japanese characters, so it shouldn't be too hard to find... This looks vaguely like the sort of thing you'd need, though I'm not sure it's quite right. Then, if you have a translator that spits out only Cyrillic, you can go through and transliterate...

Eh, well, I hope I've managed to be at least slightly helpful. Dare I ask why you need to know how to say "Welcome to Wales" in Ukrainian?

My anger at this thing knows no bounds.

…DoSAT can cannibalize all the spambots for spare parts.

Just **** off, will you?!

It's a theory. If we are, I wish a frostbite for their evil little fingers, Legendary Badfic for their mind and a plague of fangirls.
I vote we also send a copy of Beethoven's Third Concerto, PPC edition.

Seriously...too many spambots and not enough egg whisks. I wish they'd just leave us alone, as pathetic as that sounds.

Voting for a permanent move here, if it can't be stopped.

...ing spamwraiths. Srsly.

-Trojie the Exasperated

This is the sort of thing trolls thrive on. Troll spamms, people freak out in hilarious ways, lulz ensues and troll is empowered to spam again.

What we should do is have someone like hS or Pidgeon write a mission where an agent pair feed a Fail!troll to the Anon hordes.
Why anon? There have been no memes mentioned. Nor have there have been any previous warnings to the board.

But the Old Anonymous are the only ones off the top of my head who would set a spelling-short spambot on a board that cherishes spellcheck for the sake of lulz.


We are known to them.

We are mentioned in the Entry on Mary sues in the sarcastic enclyclopedia dramatica: http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Mary_sue

I say we mention them.

To Every Single Ficcer of My Work,

Stop. Immediately. That means 'now', in case I'm using a word too big for your tiny little brains. Any other words you don't understand, go get a dictionary. If you don't know what one is, ask an adult and then beat your head against the wall for being such a moron.

I started as a ficcer myself so I'm not at all opposed to the writing of fanfiction. I am, however, totally and completely opposed to fanfic as profoundly horrible as all of you have produced. I am disgusted and infuriated you would so totally abuse what I have spent over ten years crafting and refining and it will be over my cold, dead body such filth and trash is allowed to remain online. I will be contacting whoever runs this archive or hosts this website and making it clear that unless all fanfic for my novels is removed they will be served with a lawsuit. So will every single person--or their parents/guardians, if they're under eighteen--whose work remains posted online and, yes, I do have ways of finding out. Thirty may sound ancient to some of you and you might assume you're sooooooooo much smarter than me with computers and the internet. Keep thinking that. I'll see you in court.

Two things:

1) What kind of crack were you snorting when you got the idea for Kyle/Brian? Kyle and Brian are both straight as a ruler. Maybe it's just me and the dozens of people over the years who've beta'd my stories, but all of us agree there are plenty of reasons why neither of them will ever get their rocks off with another guy. The most they ever are is friends. Period, end of story. It's OOC for both of them and there are gay, lesbian, and bisexual characters in my novels so use them for your slash.

2) Anyone who wrote Laurel/Brian taking place within the timeline of my novels has earned my especial loathing and contempt. Not only is it incredibly poorly written and executed, not a single one of you has given them any plausible reason for him to betray Felicity--his wife and her good friend--in that way. Neither of them a nymphos with hair trigger libidos that explode into mindless passion the moment they're alone together. Brian sees her as a sister, people. A sister. Speaking of sisters, the person who wrote Brian/Shelley has twenty-four hours to remove that fic before I sic the lawyers on you. It's illegal and disgusting. Anyway, like I was saying, Brian sees her in a totally platonic manner and Laurel clearly has more than enough self-control to keep her hands off of him.

Everyone who wrote a rapefic has twenty-four hours as well before the lawyers start getting involved. Kyle wouldn't rape any woman, especially Laurel. You all disgust me, using rape as a plot device.

With complete and total sincerity,

Jill O'Brian

************************************

To the Agents who PPC'd some of the mess made of my novels,

Good deeds should be rewarded, so how about this: autographed copies of my novels for the both of you and a cameo in my next novel. Fair enough? ;)

Dear so called 'fanwriter',

This was supposed to be fanfiction. With emphasis upon FAN. I find it difficult to believe that anyone fond enough of my work to term themselves a fan could churn out the drivel I have witnessed from you. Reread the books, please, until you remember that as my characters, they are and remain as I imagined them, not as what passes for your imagination would mutate them into.

Kindly desist from horrifying me with your illiterate nonsense. My patience is not endless. I may find myself forced to forbid fanfiction based upon my work...and rest assured that I will have you blamed for it. I look forward to either your silence or your improvement.

Cheers,
The author whose books you mangled.

Dear PPCer,

Thankyou for recognising the foul excresence that was that so-called 'story'. Thankyou for your defense of the works I have writer. You, I consider to be a very genuine fan. Would you like a cameo in my next book, or would you prefer a signed copy of the one you defended so masterfully?

Yours,
A very grateful author.

Let's see...
Dear Suethor,
I am most DISPLEASED at seeing your fanfiction about my story posted online for the world to see. It is absolutely atrocious. Character X would have never fallen for your "Princess Sparklypoo of MuffinLand". Indeed, MuffinLand does not even exist in GenericFantasyLand Y!
I used to be a fanfic author, just like you. But what makes us different is that I have an editor, or a beta reader. And I actually listen to them. I place my trust in my spellcheck and I constantly revise my stories to catch errors. From what I can see, you have not.
Do review what I have said. And for ReligiousDeity Z's sake, stop misspelling the characters' names! I have heard of Official Fanfiction Universities, and I seriously am considering opening one for you and everyone else of your writing level.

To the PPC,
I once have read your fanfiction about other worlds in a similar state of disrepair, and I must say THANK YOU for bringing justice to mine as well. I am truly in your debt.

To the badficcer,

This is a joke, right? No one could possibly think that that is a valid piece of writing based on the world I created.

It is creatures like you that make me consider revoking the right to write fanfiction based on my worlds. Rest assured that your name will be listed as one of the reasons if I ever do such a thing.

To the PPC,

Good work. Have an autographed copy of my books for your troubles.

She's a lesbian.

LIVE WITH IT.

Read the flipping books.

Yours,

The Author.

To the PPCers:

Rock on.

Would you mind killing these, as well? *shoves links*

Love,

The Author.

(Except I heard somewhere that authors can't read fanfic for legal reasons. I guess I'll just convince someone else to read it for me. ^_^)

To my dear, beloved, honoured fans,

If one more of you dares to write my boy Sam-chan in a romantic relationship with your little Mary Sue, I will hunt you down. I can put up with it when you make Tamaji-kun or Kami-kun in love with each other, despite their het love interests, as long as you do it well but Sam has said many times that the thought of being in that kind of relationship with a woman disgusts him. Do you know how many of the other fandoms long for a canon homosexual that they can pair with whichever male they want? Stop complaining and send your little female OC after one of the het/bi characters. Unless, of course, she's a Mary Sue. In which case, send her to take a long walk off a short pier. Your meddling kids are not wanted here.

While we're on the subject, leave Ka-chan alone. She gets barely any screentime as it is, because she's busy working behind the scenes, don't start bitching about what a 'Sue she is when she finally gets a few chapters. She's integral to the plot, I promise. Besides, with Kaya we get Tohru and I know you all love him. Maybe that's the problem.

To the PPC:
Thanks, I guess. It's flattering to know that my work can install so much passion in a person that they will really drown someone to make sure it isn't harmed in anyway. Kinda scary as well, but mostly flattering. Keep up the good work.

Yours sincerely,
the Mangaka.

Badfic Author,

How would you feel if I went on the news tomorrow and announced a blanket ban on all fanfiction based on my stories, loudly citing yours as the last straw? I will, of course, make sure to inform every other fanfic writer of your penname, real name, email, and home address.


My dear PPCers,

Would you like a cameo in my next book?

...if any of us were to get published, what would you think of fanfiction (of any calibre) of your universe? Would you go McCaffreyish and reject the very idea, or would you welcome it, frequent forums, talk to fans?

I have no words for how flattered I'd be if I found out that people were writing fic (preferably goodfic) of one of my fictional creations. Finding out that people liked it enough to PPC for it would make me *faint*, srsly.

Let's think... This could be quite interesting. Wonderful idea.


Dear fanfiction author,

Really. If you honestly think this situation is plausible, I recommend re-reading my book(s). Several times if necessary.

I ask you to then remind yourself that this is my world, and I am gracious enough to let you play in it. Continue as you are, and that permission may soon be revoked - reading this "story", and I use the term loosely, was almost physically painful.

Also, spelling and grammar are not an optional part of writing. Your English teachers must have despaired of you, and your math and history teachers probably weren't far behind.

Enclosed are the largest dictionary and thesaurus I could find. MAKE USE OF THEM.

Regards,

Me. <3

And as for the PPC...

Greetings, PPC-ers; I commend the brave agents who took on [story name], and thank you for your dedication to your Duty.

I think certain of my Canons are about to acquire an instinctive trust for people with DMS and DBS flash-patches.

Keep it up; you're slowly making the internet a better place.

Regards,

Me.

[Enclosed, an autographed, collector's-edition box set.]

Let's think... This could be quite interesting. Wonderful idea.


Dear fanfiction author,

Really. If you honestly think this situation is plausible, I recommend re-reading my book(s). Several times if necessary.

I ask you to then remind yourself that this is my world, and I am gracious enough to let you play in it. Continue as you are, and that permission may soon be revoked - reading this "story", and I use the term loosely, was almost physically painful.

Also, spelling and grammar are not an optional part of writing. Your English teachers must have despaired of you, and your math and history teachers probably weren't far behind.

Enclosed are the largest dictionary and thesaurus I could find. MAKE USE OF THEM.

Regards,

Me.
And as for the PPC...

Greetings, PPC-ers; I commend the brave agents who took on [story name], and thank you for your dedication to your Duty.

I think certain of my Canons are about to acquire an instinctive trust for people with DMS and DBS flash-patches.

Keep it up; you're slowly making the internet a better place.

Regards,

Me.

[Enclosed, an autographed, collector's-edition box set.]

What I'd say to a badficcer depends on what the main "bad" part of the fic was. Bad SPAG a la "legolas"? Anatomy fail a la the Spear Incident? Unintentional creepiness a la "soulless shell"'s seventeen-year-old who behaves like a seven-year-old?

What I'd say to the PPC is easy, though:

"Hi, guys. It's me. Just called to tell you that ... well, that badfic you recently sporked? Actually, I wrote that and posted it anonymously as an experiment. I wanted to see how bad I could make it before people stopped telling me it was great. They love it. I'm scared. Hug me now."

To the badficcer:

The book they're screwing up from. And the words "Read it again" printed and underlined in neat handwriting on the first page.


To the PPCer:

Autographed book.

Dear Badficcer,

Congratulations. Due to your efforts, my carefully planned timeline is now so thoroughly off-track that all your favorite characters are going to die and the world is doomed to fall into the gaping plothole you left behind, implode, and cease to have ever existed. Yes, you read that right.

I hope you're happy.

~Neshomeh

Dear PPCer(s),

Thank the Powers! You have no idea how grateful I am--the lawyers would never have got there in time to fix that mess! Thank you a thousand times over for saving my world. You rock.

~Neshomeh

Badficcer
Dear 'fan'

Although I admire your creativity, I would prefer it if you could act out your twisted fetishes with your own characters. There is a reason the book does not correspond to your ideas.

Thanks,
[author's name]

PPCer
Dear [PPCer's name]

I applaud your efforts. Carry on; I have no mind to stop you.

Thanks,
[author's name]